i’m da man

the head honcho for our company asked me to fix his PDA. Seems that it has an infrared device that allows him to export files from the PDA to a desktop computer, so that he can interchange the information when he needs to. I had attempted to, and got as far as, getting the software functioning properly for back-ups on non-used machine (he said it was crashing on him all the time when he attempted to do it on three different machines).
I spent the better part of my day yesterday researching the stupid thing: downloading the pdf manual of the PDA, reading the instructions for the infrared device and attempting to track down a human at sharp. majority of it ended in vain as i wasn’t able to get very far in my research. the phone numbers by sharp for an ‘authorized’ dealer were actually to: a home and a cell phone. the phone numbers given to me via their voice prompt to a place in Texas, was no longer existing. so i packed it up and went home.
this morning, i got the bright idea of installing the damn thing on my machine at work (running windows 98). amazingly, the software installed with no issues, and with some jiggling and muttering “work you piece of shit,” i got the zaurus to communicate to the infrared device. i was able to export the files to a .csv files, and finished within 30 minutes (more time spent getting the two infrared devices to see each other and communicate).
I walked in and told don that i had it working and backed up the files. he said ‘your da man!’. I grabbed my crotch and went out for a smoke.
i love you. i love you not.
last night, as justin and i were lying in bed, i started speaking in this monotone voice about how it all was -before-. it encountered my walks through life, and with how my previous relationships were corresponding to my depression. i talked about danny a lot, because that is all i kept remembering. i thought about what it was like when he and i were living together, and how trapped i felt. how i felt that i could not possibly feel for him as much as he felt for me.
sometimes, when i see justin, i still see danny. it hurts you know, to look at one person, think of someone else for all the wrong reasons. both danny and justin have the same gentle manner, both just want to be happy, and both loved me beyond reason. but, i feel like it’s hopeless. that i will never ever allow myself to be content enough to settle for one person. i’ve often thought of polyamory as being my main choice of how i will handle relationships, but even then it feels tainted. i don’t know what it is about me. i know a lot of how i feel is correlated to my depression, but how much and why? i said to justin last night: i wish things were much easier for me. i wish i could be the kind of person that could find the one person that i could say was the ‘one’, like everyone else does, but, i can’t. i have so many ‘ones’ that it’s just a joke now. i smiled sarcastically when i said this, but justin understood.
i spend a lot of my time thinking about how justin feels as he watches me go through this. i know things that i say or might say will be painful to hear (they are painful to feel), but if i don’t tell him, our relationship (which is hanging by threads in some areas) could fall apart. he’s given more to me than anyone else in my past and i do not want to not lie to him.
so it’s a tough decision.
i feel so detached from him and from anything else. i want nothing more to have the same problems that everyone else does, but i can’t see my life living in that way.
right now, as i wait for my ramen to cook, i’m typing this up. i’m looking at a black/white picture of justin & i together, that was taken at one of those cheesy photo-booths and I can’t even recall what I was feeling on that day. And that only happened less than a month ago.
yesterday, when i was updating the lisa chronicles, i had inadvertently dumped the main index file for my personal site. i was going to upload it again last night when i got home, but winders 98 and photoshop 4 seemingly are arguing, and just gave up. i’m redoing the index page anyway, so it would have changed 🙂
something neat
every now and then i go looking for myself on the internet and see where i’m linked from. chances are, more often than not, i find myself linked from the same people’s page (of people that i know). But here is some cool stuff i’ve found about me or my namesake, simunye:
– my friend dan named his car after me, and it won a race.
– from my days of hanging out with the hax0rs
– someone had one of my old ass pages in their bookmarks. i did email them to let them know i was no longer at that address.
-University of Georgia Augusta has access logs for April 21, 1997. My reverse dns shows up as i had been to the site.
– A quote that I had in my sig file that actually made it to someone’s page. I’m so pleased 🙂

a poem
one thing i found on the net was a poem that i had written on the day i went to a beat-l party, and found out wm. s. burroughs had died. the poem sucks, but heck. works for me.
a generation gap
a sparking of times, events, and people
i scarcely recognize
grabbing together all pieces in my memory
of who these people are
and almost succeeding
talking of times, events and memories that
occurred before i was born
of sex, drugs, events, places that no longer exist
a matter of bridging together those who knew
and those who are just beginning to know
of sparking interest in new blood to
rejuvenate the passion and the rawness of the
beat generation
of drinking wine,
of laughing,
of smoking dope
and feeling like a child sitting at the adults party
just listening and absorbing everything in
and learning along the way
-a ‘poem’ i did for the death of wm. s. burroughs, 8-2-97. it’s crappy, i know but i found it on the net 🙂

shiny happy people

so i’m sitting here at work, which is constructively known as a lunch break. justin is now working the 9am-4:30pm shift as a telemarketer, and he swapped his hours to be in sync with mine. he commuted this morning with me, and this was probably the first time he had to deal with morning Bay Bridge traffic. we held hands, and joked as we slowly made our way into the city. it’s nice having him there in the morning. it doesn’t feel as lonely as it used to, when it was just me and Howard Stern/Vinnie & Sarah. I am attempting to recruit daniel from work to ride with us as well, so that we can grab the car pool lane and save $2 bucks a day. Doesn’t sound like a big deal, but, car pooling also allows us to zip past the backup at the toll booth.
Since I just got paid this past friday, it was one of the first times that i had paid bills straight after I got paid. Generally I just do things like go out and go purchase crap i think I need. I’ve noticed a trend in my spending habits, is that the more depressed I get, the more I spend on crap (does someone really need 30 pairs of shows?). Needless to say, it was weird to pay off things, and look at my pile o bills and notice they weren’t so high anymore.
however, this is not the real reason why i started writing this in the first place. this morning, my friend AntKnee, from sf-fumblers, posted this story about how he was a party this weekend, and one of his friends stopped breathing. Only one person out of the whole group knew how to do CPR, and it was frightening to realize that this was damn near an average statistic. This prompted me to write a reply to how I felt about the whole situation and general health as well.
Last night Justin and I were laying in bed, and I started to talk. I had been feeling so disassociated with everything recently, that I can’t even conjure up (or imagine to conjure up), feelings of anything else other than survival. I can’t imagine that not so long ago I was in love with Justin, and I thought the world was at my fingertips. I spoke of these things to him, and told him how I felt. Somedays I loved him more than life itself, and other days, I felt like I never loved him at all. he asked me if the later was pretty recent, and I said ‘yes, it was’. I didn’t want to say these things because i was afraid of hurting him and myself, for even when i did say them, they felt both true and false. i feel in a way that i’m living life vicariously through other people: i see what they have and attempt to emulate it to some extent. i feel detached and alone. this is not uncommon with me: i’ve felt this way before. but the difference is, that in a way, i don’t know if i want to correct or help this now. it seems to be so heavy of a burden.
but the flip side is, i look at my life within the next 10 years, and i see myself still working for a start-up company, where i’m not making that much money and i’m living with justin hand to mouth every month. i don’t want to live my life like that. it frightens me that i can and would become something like that.
not so long ago, i had these ideals of how life, to me, was supposed to be. it represented this sort of nuance i felt that very few people had or would want to have. this feeling of ‘something’, that can’t be explained and that when i attempted to explain it, would become more of a choked up answer than a reality.
i remember once, jeff and i were talking on the phone. i think it was the first phone conversation we had. i remember talking about this feeling of a ‘whore’ that i felt, that because i couldn’t connect with anyone on any sort of level, that my ability to move from one relationship, almost effortless, raised a few eyebrows. jeff said ‘i know what you mean’, or something like that. i remember leaning back on my bed, closing my eyes and sighing deeply, because for that one moment, i felt okay. one other person in this whole fucked up world could feel what i felt, and i didn’t feel so alone anymore.
sometimes i miss that feeling. and i have had to think about what was it that i missed? did i miss him? did i miss what we ‘had’? did i even love ‘him’? i realized, i missed that feeling of feeling ‘okay’ even for a short while. i didn’t love jeff zapotoczny as himself, i loved the idea of what he was in my mind. parts of me loved what he represented to ‘me’ on other levels. i don’t know if i ever loved ‘him’ to begin with. so much was wrong that i simply ignored it, and thought i could accept it.
the irony is that, now, nearly two years since it began, and nine months after it ended, i feel nothing that would construe as what i felt before. time heals all wounds. time allows you to forget. but time also makes you remember those painful times when you don’t want to.
to justin’s credit, i feel some of those same things i felt with jeff. the analogy, which includes all my past lovers as well, is like a birthday candle: it lights quickly and burns for a short amount of time before dying out. with justin, it’s like those endless flame birthday candles: it lights up, dies and comes back to life again.
i wish life wasn’t so complicated, as to that i feel like everything was happening without me. i wish that i could not be in ‘pain’, for whatever pain it is, so that i can enjoy what i have. justin says, that because of who i am, nothing is going to be easy. and i suppose on some levels he is right, but it would be nice to know that for one day, everything can be okay.

talk about the passion

this has probably been one of the most shittiest weeks i’ve had in a long time. starting off with the insurance company fucking me over several times (and not using lube), and ending with me almost quitting my job, i guess nothing could get any worse. well, save for the fact i was to be in sf to finish working on the project we are doing for alice 97.3, and i didn’t hear my pager, my phone or anything going off to meet dave in the city. i didn’t roll out of bed until 3pm, nearly 14 hours after i crawled in. now it’s early sunday morning and my toes are freezing.
which to say isn’t a good thing.
however, on the bright side, justin cleaned the hell out of my printer, and now the smearing problem is gone. i can now write letters to people, which, i owe some to my mom mainly, and my main excuse for not writing was due to my printer not working properly. now all we need to do is get some rj-45 cable and a hub, and we are all set for our little network.
but what i have been worried about, in a more serious way, is passion. i’m not talking physical passion, i’m referring to passion of anything and everything. the way one likes/loves a movie, an object, a book, something. whatever, it does not matter: just passion. It could be the way you feel about a football team or a softdrink. well you get my point.
regardless, the situation at hand is that lately i’ve been feeling not as passionate. i can’t say how long i’ve been feeling this way, but, all i feel like is that my life revolves around getting up in the morning, going to work (after fighting with traffic for an hour), listen to people moan in the office, come home and go to bed. that’s my life. all the things i’ve been wanting to do or see haven’t been materializing themselves, and i feel hopeless.
i look at justin’s face, at my roommate filtering in and out of her busy social schedule, at the people i work with and their lives, and i still feel like something is missing. i don’t know what it is, i just do. i have never been able to explain the feelings that sometimes rise in my body, and sometimes i’m not able to clarify even when i do say something. i find myself almost on the verge of tears when i see wonderful things occurring around me, and i feel stale and lifeless.
i feel like the plants sitting on our front porch: thirsty for life.
my complete version of things does not always meet what everyone else see’s. mayhap for instance it’s not that i want to go to school to learn (which i do), it’s because i’m hungry for the experience of doing so. i’ve often felt cheated of what i have received in my life, and other times, i feel sickened by what i have let occur. my mind becomes this empty waste pot of nothingness, all because the choices i’ve made. it’s easier to fool yourself into believing you are happy then actually attempting to achieve it.
and justin wonder’s why i’m so ambitious.

hi! my name is suzie (homemaker)

again, i could play catch-up. it’s amazing how quickly the month just zoomed by, and the next thing i know, it’s now almost october, and my poor widdle web page hasn’t been updated nor has it been revamped as planned. such is the life when I’ve been promoted (don’t start counting my sheckles yet. it’s basically in name only.), and my hours have switched from swing, to regular joe (ie: 8-5). because of this, since i was getting up early in the morning to work on my site everyday, i had more than plenty enough time to get an entry done for the day. now, i barely have time to shave my legs, so before i knew it a month went by.
changes and occurrences happen as they usually do. for me the past month involved with: having my first fight with Justin, getting into a fender bender, having a close friend die, being promoted. having one of my oldest internet friends come out and visit me. plus add in driving to Vancouver for the final Lilith fair (which i want to write about asap), going to great america with the irish kids, camping out at montara beach last night, suddenly i’m miz social butterfly with no room to breathe.
i have found it’s stifling, primarily how my life was turning out. i saw myself in 10 years still living in sin with Justin, and then i was so busy worrying about this bill or that bill, or whatever, and it drove me insane. I know a part of me has that ‘maternal’ quality to it, but still, it makes me mighty nervous when it comes down to it.
so justin and i had a long talk, and since he doesn’t feel motivated to go back to college, I am. I have been planning on applying to a community college here in SF until i can get my transcripts from my old school and figure out what i need to do to graduate. so come january, it’s full time school for me! yippee! then I will take over the world. as you know, lisa-ism will be revered in all countries and i will be worshipped as i should be.
keep it simple, stupid
now the whole essence about doing this website, was based on the premise of keeping it simple. i needed a gimmick i could use to keep it short and to the point, while also making it upgradeable. here is the premise: i currently own three domains: simunye.com, trippingonstars.org, simunye.org. simunye.com is the concept that i was going to do internet consultation. at first it was a rocky start, but within the space of a week, i have gotten four contract jobs doing side work for personal and business based clients. everything from basic html instruction to winders instruction. (no can kick my ass in winders, sorry). taking that basis, I’ve gotten pretty handy with hardware, I’ve known software for years, basic lan configuration, some unix (get this: *I* helped justin install linux *tither*), pc crap up the wazoo, and of course, internet crap in general. take my roommate who works for cybercash as a unix support engineer, justin who knows hardware (and soon unix!) like there is no one else’s business. sasha, who knows front page to make bill gates weep and dedicated support (configuration of routers, dedicated lines, dns addressing), and you have talented people who are going to know their shit. christine was bugging me, because already with me doing four clients within the next few weeks, i have overflow, so sometime in my spare time, i have to show her html to make up the slack. argh! but that is going to be the generalization of the business. i figure if these fuck nuts can command buku bucks for ‘NT sever admin’ and don’t know RAS, i’ve got it made.
simunye.org: this is going to take over as my personal site, mainly dealing with the lisa chronicles (which you are reading now), personal stuff about me, my pet projects and what not. plus host the archive for the lisa chronicles. i’m not sure how much space bryan is letting me have for hosting my domain here, but heck, i’m just darn cool as it is.
trippingonstars.org: okay, here is the deal. anyone whose been reading this knows that i’m good friends with will, who lives in seattle with his adorable son liam. will found this place on the web called xlibris.com. what this place does is it will publish your book for a flat rate of $475US dollars. Your book will then be “published” as well as you get a set percentage from every copy ordered. sounds pretty good deal huh? so i’ve been checking into it some more, and i need to find out if we get a Library of Congress number, as well as other cool stuff. so will pitches this idea to me, i think it’s rad, and then I think: the more people who submit to this, the cheaper the cost of the book for the initial start-up. but then the proverbial light bulb goes over in my brain, and i realize that i can also generate money from advertising, and as well as partnering with companies such as amazon.com. at this point though, a lot of this is still ground work that i have to cover, and with three domains now to be filled and idea’s to be completed, i’m going to quite busy.
but the main fucking point i was making here, is that i’ve been spending the majority of my day figuring out how things were going to work, in terms of how i wanted the sites to look. and i realize that the more i spent time on debugging a new idea, the more time i spent making something look like crap. basically i’ll excel at what i know: keeping it simple and to the point. however, the need to be ostentatious is driving me nuts, but i’ll survive.
social engineering for dummies
so tonight i’m whacking away at my web site(s) and justin is sitting on the couch watching the telly. he’s flipping through the channels and all of a sudden i hear an announcer mention something about yobie benjamin. i ask justin to stop and i get off my ass and walk that big three feet into the living room, and take a look at the tv.
i’ve known of yobie (via email, not in person), since about october of 1996. one of my interests then was internet/computer security, and i has subbed myself to several lists pertaining to that issue. one list, dc-stuff (maintained by pete shipley), is basically a bunch of hax0rs that congregate every year in Vegas for DefCon. But you can glean some good information out of the lists, which just like all lists tend to have a bunch of noise.
anyway, yobie is being interviewed about a new virus called “back orifice” put together by a SF based hacker called SirDystic (get it?). Basically, this “virus” is attached to a program, and even with just having the program down loaded onto your computer, enables the other person to have free access to your files. SirDystic’s main point was that it was to show that winders (all flavors) were NOT security conscious, and that anyone can hack into it.
Okay, who cares about hacking into winders? I can see this guy’s point, however, what he doesn’t seemingly get is going to be the backlash of this. now not only are all the kiddie point and click guru’s going to attempt to hack into some poor unsuspecting person just downloading their pr0n off the net or whatever, which is going to translate into mass hysteria if that person suddenly calls his isp (which with my luck is going to be the one i work for, but i don’t do phones anymore, hurrah!), and is there going to be problems!
ugh, never research anything on the net. you could spend hours.
to make a very long story short, yobie mentioned about how the common set of hackers is basically ‘social engineering’ ones: basically ones who know nothing but think they know everything. i quipped ‘hrm, must be talking about se7en.’ Justin laughed.
good night sweetheart, yeah it’s time to go
footnotes now that it is 12:53am, 9.21.98
*The archive for the lisa chronicles should be up tomorrow (or today literally), and no later this week, depending on my work schedule. shit i have to drive to menlo park tonight. damnit. okay, later this week it is.
*hopefully all websites will be functioning at full force later this week, a week and half from at the latest. by the end of september for sure.
*i am addicted to coke slurpees. so you can guess that I’ve been sucking down while doing this.
*any potential authors who want to be included in my little project, smack me on the ass and tell me to get a move on it. oh yeah! send me your short story and I’ll see what i can do. *neither Photoshop 4 OR 5 likes winders 98. hrm. justin just installed Linux. should be downloading the binaries to gimp then. actually, I got the itch to install Linux so bad, i spent some major time dinking around with him then working on this. blow me. 🙂