keep clear

my street runs into what is commonly known as a t-section at the main drag. the 100 or soo feet between one corner to another on all three sides has in big white paint “keep clear”. stipulating, that for traffic to make left/right turns onto the main drag or a left turn onto my street, the “keep” clear sign alert people to allow this to happen. Now you won’t see “keep clear” printed on every t-section that you run into — however since the off-ramp light is located about a block from my street, traffic gets heavy and backed up and it’s a royal pain in the ass to make a left onto the main drag or to make a left onto my street.

now the bitch is, is that people are dumber than box of rocks when it comes to driving. too many times when i have come home from work, i have to honk like a mad person because some moron has his tricked-out pinto in the intersection that says “keep clear”. finally, it ends up with the person behind him backing up enough so that I can get through.

there are other “keep clear” intersections that people don’t bother to “read”. one is off of Grand Ave in Lake Merritt, by where Darryl lives. I have to make a left onto a side street to take him home, however since the street between grand ave and lakeshore ave is curved, and the street i need to get onto is a side street, it’s impossible to do so if traffic is backed up from the light. there is only room for about 2 cars before the side street begins. since it’s such a busy intersection, again the “keep clear” is a signal to anyone with half a brain that others need to get through and that at red lights, people should be behind the white lines. think this happens? Fuck no. Yesterday a woman stopped in the middle of the intersection, so that no one could turn left onto the side street and no one could turn left onto the main street. I honked and she finally got off her duff and moved her car up. Other people will blatantly sit there and NOT move. Once I saw a cop who turned on his flashers to get through the intersection and then turned them off as he continued driving. That, Darryl and I both thought, was completely and utterly unfair.

the one thing i have learned since i have lived out in california, is how negligible people are when driving. like when i rolled into this woman’s car doing less than 2 miles an hour at the toll both to get on the Bay bridge. she attempted to claim “neck injuries” until she found out that my insurance for that day had lapsed (it was picked up a day or so later. a fuck up by the insurance company). another example is when my roommate cathleen was driving home late one night, her blood sugar dropped and she ran into a parked truck. she left a note and her business card to get the matter resolved. when the person didn’t call her for several days, she walked over to his house (the accident occurred right around the corner from our house), the guy didn’t even realize that he had been hit. when he took his work truck into be appraised, they said over 2k worth of damage. 2k worth of damage to a small hit, on a work truck that was covered in bondo and had other dents and scratches? cathleen finally got the guy to take his truck to a reputable mechanic and the appraisal was for about 600 bucks (this is cali after all).

and it doesn’t stop there.

arrogant mother fuckers who drive like mad people during torrents of rain and think that gravitational laws don’t apply to them, people who will drive on shoulders for blocks to cut into traffic during high peak times, people who make lane changes without looking. the list goes on and on.

i had read somewhere that if you can drive in the bay area, you can drive anywhere. I’ve become such a good little defensive driver that i about ready to make a career change and start driving professionally.

beautiful day in the neighborhood
san francisco (nee bay area) is infamous for being absolutely beautiful one day, rainy the next and than back to being beautiful again. Wednesday (2.24.99) was so beautiful, i got out off of BART one stop early on my way back to work. i stopped at the San Francisco shopping center and walked down market, enjoying the beautiful day mixed with the always precious site of homelessness and yuppies who convene together on the sidewalks. the wind was blowing just right so that the usual smell of urine was distant.

while walking down the street, i felt this sense of happiness i hadn’t felt in a particular time. I’m still in a quandary about what to do with my life — and i feel that i need to make a decision soon. but the rub is that looking back at the past history of me and seeing the all too familiar patterns that keep cropping up. I’ve been running in this rut now for about four years (long before cali came into the view) and almost every new year, i say the same things “this year is going to be different.” but it never feels like it is.

patterns are everywhere. i read old journal entries from 95,96 (written journal not on-line) and see that my bitch and moans then are the same bitch and moans now. i look through past on-line journals and see striking if not similar patterns in a comparison to month to month of then and now.

i get confused.

I’m not quite sure what i need to be doing. thoughts keep going through my head such as “Justin is the best there is” or “are you going to school for yourself or to prove something to someone” or “you are getting old Lisa. pretty soon you will be 40! (14 more years)”. i run such a gamut from self-pity to being self-righteous it’s almost sickening. i can never make up my mind exactly what i want. my mantra has just been “school, school, school” but i don’t know what i want to do with my life after that. the choices are so overwhelming that i freak and just do nothing. i think about all the stuff i want to do, and feel guilty when people attempt to convince me that i shouldn’t have to do it alone.

then i hear about ex’s who are getting married (those evil fuckers) and i feel like something is inherently wrong with me.

i used to have this strong sense of “worth” to the extent that i knew how my life was going to be going — mainly with my love life. i knew what i wanted from someone and that i was strong enough to say good-bye if it didn’t happen. then i hear other people who seem least likely to be in love — be in love and it sounds almost clinical. i can’t imagine my life with someone, let alone of being in love again. it seems such a 180 degree turn of who i am now — that i fear that my worst fear has come undone.

I’ve become afraid.

last night i talked to my ex Chad (from downpour on my soul) and felt strange. the longing in his voice matched the longing in my own voice — our voices to each other still did the same things physically to us that it had in the past. we talked a lot about our relationship and all the fun times we had and reminiscing about when he was living in Pittsburgh and when i would go see him. over 3 years have passed since we have last talked on the phone and about the same since we last saw each other physically. he’s got a new girl right now and he seems to be completely and honestly in love with her — but i keep getting the sinking feeling of what “could have happened” if i hadn’t done what i did.

I think about that now a lot — about the mens I’ve dated and of those ones, the ones that i had the most significant relationships with. i could have been happy with any of them in the long-term sense — and lord knows i was wildly in love with all of them at the time we were together. but shit always gets in the way and i always end up getting my heart-broken (often for trivial things)


i’ve been home since last Wednesday (2.17.99) with some sort of bronchial/flu/cold dealie going on. I get this every year — and I’m sure if I wasn’t smoking, I wouldn’t get it as bad as I do. So lesson learned today folks that lisa is quitting smoking. have to. i can’t quite get this coughing up my lungs by an early death. i’ve called into work and wrote (well, i’ve been meaning to!) to my prof’s telling them what’s going on. I feel horrible. Today I attempted to take Justin shoe shopping and nearly fainted at the store. I can’t move far and was afraid to drive home. I called in sick tomorrow, planning on even more bed rest and fluids. The only positive thing this has given me is a much needed loss of 5 lbs. score. not water weight — but fat. woo. will make my goal of 10 lbs this month.

so this is part the reason why people haven’t heard from me. one frantic person thought i was personally ignoring him. Nerp. (Kruton, I’m not speaking about you okay?) I haven’t had much energy to do much except sleep, read and watch movies back to back. Reading should equate studying. it doesn’t. instead i’ve been imbibing on all the heinlein books that i have in my library. which doesn’t account for much — really just five or six of his main tomes. I have found though that even though i greedily read his stuff a few years back, i’m not finding it as “entertaining” as i did then. i don’t know what’s changed. it’s still funny and in many ways, many of what he says hits the nail on the head — but from what i’ve understood in the past with old Heinlein lovers — he comes and goes in spurts. heh. literally. i’m not really being dragged into anything “new” via lit as of late. i’ve been reading spurts of Plato/Aristotle/Socrates (not necessarily in that order) for classes and of course, course work. I tried reading a book that i bought several years ago called “Pooh and the Philosophers” in which the author claims “all of modern western philosophy leads up to Winnie the Pooh.” However, when I bought the book several years ago (as a gag gift to myself) I thought it would be “cute” as all theories are possible.

however, when i delved into the book last night — i found it to be boring and tedious. i did not see any Socratic/platonic (heh) view between Pooh and freaking honey. the author — who teaches philosophy at Cambridge natch — has something up his ass — or in his brain. or maybe he’s smoking too much damn crack.

michael wants me to come to his philosophy club on Tuesday nights. he says i have to back up what is say with proof and meaning — none of which i hold dear to my heart (as if!).

however, i get the feeling that it’s nothing more than #philosophy in real life — with just as many ego-iq’s as the channel holds. should be fun. so i will probably go.

Jonathan is trying to get me to go to defcon 7 this year. i have no idea why. he just think it’s cool for me to go. i went to defcon 5. and i really don’t see a reason _to_ go. see friends? maybe. but i can see them anytime. besides, this whole thing isn’t my bag. Jonathan is just strange. even though he looks like chris o’donell.

several people have commented that i look like minnie driver. i wish to hell that i looked like minnie! damn is she fione or what here? anyway, basically people think i look like her or tiffani-amber theissen. and mainly because while both are brunettes, they also have wide faces such that i have. except i chopped all my hair off a few months ago in an effort to go shorter — and then thought about going shorter still — and regret cutting it off. i always fucking do that!

this is so banal and pointless. i just wanted something to show minnie’s picture. *meow*
i’m going to bed.

ps: nyquil gives you some strange ass dreams. that’s all i’m saying because that is all i freaking remember.

strange currencies is up.

friday (2.12.99), i was standing outside of smoking my cigarette when this woman came up to me. she started talking about how for valentines day, her office holds a baking contest, where the first prize is $50 bucks. and after the contest, she says, they go into the lunch room and eat all the goodies. after she finished that sentence, she walked back into the building, leaving me standing there still staring at the space where she was standing. i turned around and stared at the building across the street, wondering if it was worth $400,000 dollars for a loft to live there.

every sunday morning, justin and i make pancakes and bacon. but just not regular pork bacon — oohhh no. we make Jenni-O turkey bacon (95% fat free!). we love this crap so much, we usually make 1 1/2 packages to 2 packages and then munch on it the rest of the day.
we were out of a few items, so i said i was going to the store. i skipped going to lucky’s, because i always get hit on, so instead i went to safeway. i was looking for potatoe soup to use in dinner tonight, when this little short woman (about 4’6″) asked me (6′) to grab a box of pie crusts for her. she thanked me and went on her way.

james says “hi!”
my friend james (who runs DarkNebula) invited justin and i to go on a trek to Yosemite today. however, the roads were so bad that they have closed down access and if you could make it up, they recommended snow chains.
the bitch punked out on us by emailing me later this morning to say that he wasn’t going to make it AND he wasn’t going to come over and spend V-Day with us — the bitch.
but he wanted me to send you his regards.

c:>format c:
i had gotten so frustrated with my software crashing on me, windows was having issues and my system was running so damn slow, that i bought a six pack of hefeweizen and moved everything off my c: drive to my other drives and zip. when that was all completed and i had no personal data left, i reformatted the fucker.

there is something almost pure about having a blank harddrive.

i copied my start-up files from a diskette onto c, and rebooted. it started giving me issues of “non-system diskette. please hit enter to reboot.” what the fuck? i rebooted and went into bios, and saw that it was attempting to boot from the cd-rom. changed the format of boot options and tried again. same error. i started with it booting from the a: drive. same error. i started to panic. i do this on a daily basis. i’ve done hundreds of machines this way — there should be no reason why it’s giving me error messages. i checked and re-checked everything over again. nothing is wrong or incorrect. i grabbed my sony restore disk. last ditch effort. however, i go with sony’s restore disk, and i’m stuck with fucking 95 (instead of 98) and all the bullshit crap they put on. in a very last ditch effort before giving up to the MAN i stick in the 98 cd-rom and pray. it boots and installs 98 effortlessly.

i have been saved.

now, i’m not some neophyte who doesn’t know what they are doing — i’ve been working with computers for eons (so it feels like). and i have done this type of thing a few thousand times — so imagine my perplexity that if this wasn’t working how fucked up that would be! well, for once i would like to thank god (b. gates) and the ability to boot off of cd-roms. mental note: cd-r burn more copies of winders 98 for personal use.

but the only thing i was really concerned about — was my taxes. i had done them via turbotax. after you submit the information, they tell you to check back within 24-48 hours and then finish it. well, i reformatted my computer, and saved my files. only when i re-installed turbotax, it wouldn’t accept my un-lock code — so off to calling Inuit to get the damn code and explain what was going on. the irony, is that while i’m waiting for tech support, i figure out how to get my old info back and finish with my taxes.
the really rad thing?

IRS is going to deposit my refund on or by 2.19.99. Now that is damn QUICK! 🙂 i’m not having issues with the MAN today!

i often write stuff and save it, never to be published in any format. such as i used to write for f.u.c.k., but it’s been nearly a year since i’ve given jericho anything. sometimes f.u.c.k. submissions became a entry update. and i’ve been writing in my journal more. i’ve got time to kill on BART — i need something to occupy me. i’ve been working on lisa 2000, but it’s not finished yet.

i just checked out the work in progress i started on a few weeks ago — i can’t believe i wrote so much in such a little time.

i hope to have it finished one day.

but in the interim, i’ll put up what i have.

erm, maybe not. i’m sick of hearing about 404 errors.

i’m audi 5000 g.