why

“never tell anyone anything, you’ll end up missing them.”
— quote on the halfshell from Catcher in the Rye

i’ve come to the conclusion i’ll never understand people.

ever.

there will be something that will continue to elude me for as long as i live. no matter how empathetic i can get or how on target my perceptions are, people will always remain a puzzle to me.

pawly was right when he said that not baring all was good — too much information was a disastrous thing.

i think my problem is, that for once i wanted normalcy and i got —

i can’t say a bad thing. because more was given to me in the last few months than i remember in a long time. but that doesn’t mean i still know why.

tonight i spent a considerable amount of time pacing the floors and banging my head against the wall wanting a cigarette. bean kept telling me, if i got through this, during this crisis (today has been the day from hell) i would get through all. i would be okay and that i could survive this. justin kept telling me the same damn thing as i cried and begged for ONE cigarette.

the smell of smoke was all around the house, making me sick, but i wanted a fucking cigarette.

and the world should know i decided to eat dinner first and not smoke or go to the store.

so i’m still holding clean.

you walk in, just like smoke
with a little c’mon c’mon c’mon
in your walk, c’mon
i’ve been waiting
are you waiting
for my move
i’m making it
you move me
you do
like i’ve never been done before
you don’t even know
what you do to me

the sad part is that sometimes we will allow our own pride to take precedence over anything else because of fear. and i realize that while a lot things always change, the same things remain the same.

i’ve been smoke free for almost four days now.

i at least have that.

and katchoo and Francine.

but katchoo was a smoker —

SHUT UP! she was also a lesbian! well she didn’t like men. speaking of which, i need to get the latest issues. i’m so behind.

lisa-fan: “heh… i took a picture of you, and pasted it into after dark the other day… so now i have you bouncing across my monitor during the day… it’s pretty relaxing… :)”

i already miss.

i’m so pathetic. aww well. my fault for hoping.

on the half shell
Within the last week i:

  • bought a ticket to Memphis
  • quit smoking
  • got unwanted house guests (who i can’t stand to begin with)
  • got accepted to Western Michigan U
  • lost 5lbs.
  • watched my best friend get proposed to and then jilted at the alter.
  • fall on my ass literally
  • become a raving psychopathic lunatic

I don’t know what’s going on. All I do know is that I keep driving people away. One minute I am “fine” and the next minute i’m a psychotic and depressive, accusatory and pushy. i’m defensive and i’m gonna end up having people hate me.

fast and easy
why is it, that everytime i get motivated to write in this damn thing, it always ends up being 6:28am and somehow or another the last 1/2 hour has been fritted away somewhere. then i say, i’m going to pick this back up at work and then i find i can’t because my train of thought has already disappeared.

funny that, for the last hour i had five different entries of things i wanted to write about this morning and now i’m getting writers block.

is this how a man feels when having sex?

my teeth are coated in sugar. remind me to never ever eat 1/2 bag of jolly ranchers again.

it’s been over 48 hours since i’ve quit smoking, officially. though it’s day three.

I feel like i REALLY owe an apology to a lot of people out there. i won’t name names but, i’ve been treating you rather shitty the last few days. I’m sorry. You gotta understand that the ONLY crutch i’ve had in the last 10 years has been cigarettes and i’ve kicked those to the curb. I never really thought about it, till they were gone, how much psychologically i needed them. How much I associated them with different rituals of my life. It’s scary. I go to grab for a cigarette and find that it’s not there! Woah.

I’m sorry. I’m really really sorry for being moody and paranoid and being a basic pain in the ass. I’m really sorry if I bit your head off, became defensive or picked fights with you. I’m really sorry for being so just damn icky these last few days. I haven’t liked it either, trust me.

guess what. It’s time for worksie!

you are SUCH my bitch

i hate feeling right.

or something.

remember long ago when you would meet someone and you would like them, like, almost instantly. and things clicked really hard between the two. time goes on and you find that you’ve become almost, not obsessed, but, engulfed with that person. and then you’ve changed how you react to that person. and this has nothing to do with liking the person, because you really really like them, but it has everything to do with your immortal soul.

i was thinking of all the relationships I’ve been in and things that have been coming and going in my own life. I’ve been wiggin’ out for the last few days, I’m sorry. i think some people are beginning to wonder if me quitting smoking is really all that grand of an idea. the cravings weren’t so bad today, but, it’s been less than two days, bear with me.

anyway.

i was thinking of how once people get to the point in their head and their comfortable with themselves and they like where they are at. and sooner or later, once they get comfortable and find themselves in a place to be a relationship, they don’t want a relationship. or they are scared. or they freak out internally.

i can always see the signs coming. I’m so used to it by now, that it’s become second skin. first it’s the missing of the cute little nicknames or emails. and the teasing suddenly gets to be wholly defensive. you find that everything you say suddenly is scrutinized. and if you ask them what’s going on, they tell you it’s nothing, they are feeling fine — what’s YOUR problem. so you say okay, because you want to believe them right? I mean, that’s what you want to believe. because they wouldn’t treat you so shabbily.

but then you notice you’re not talking as much anymore and that when you do talk the content is somewhat stunted and slow. you find you no longer have anything to say because you are SO damn paranoid about what your going to say. then you notice that you just don’t talk anymore and then it becomes nothing. they were just this person that you met.

but see, the thing is, I’ve talked to people after that last stage, and it’s ALWAYS the same damn answer: i was scared. scared of what? scared that i would fall in love/jump off of a cliff/lose myself/lose my identity. it always becomes this almost necessant NEED to follow those same steps. and later on down the road, all the damn wondering of what’s going on or what could have BEEN gets to you and so the next person you meet you deal with and it’s okay. your fine. and or maybe they aren’t that intense or exciting or whatever and so you just go with the flow this time because it’s easier.

gash, I’m babbling such non-sense.

i’ve been going around the office going “i don’t want a cigarette, right?” and everyone has been “yep, you don’t want a cigarette.”

I WOULD KILL SOMEONE FOR A CIGARETTE RIGHT NOW!!!!!

I just re-read what I wrote — and you know what, I know most of that is true. But you know, if someone (anyone really) can’t well.

LISA IS WIGGIN OUT!!

god, i don’t know what’s wrong with me. for the last two days i’ve been feeling WEIRD.

Lisa: I forget why I’m quitting.

Bean: because you don’t want to sound like a carpet cleaner when you’re 40.

Oh yeah.

well duh.

You see, Bean quit smoking over a month ago. And has been using wellbutrin to take the edge off.

I have not been using any drugs, stimulants or even books.

I just went cold turkey.

21.5 hours

Since I’ve had a cigarette.

I told Justin that this was going to get damn annoying: me announcing every time I looked at the clock since the last time i had a cigarette. he said that was okay.

but.

please don’t congratulate me yet on quitting. wait till it’s been a few days or a week or something. this IS the longest time I’ve gone without a cigarette, but, i don’t want to give false hope to anyone least of all to myself.

but I know I can do this!

My horroscope told me to be humble and so I’m being humble! Actually it said “Humble yourself by taking public transportation or doing laundry.”

Uh, hello here.

I just did laundry yesterday so BITE ME!

rituals
the one thing i spoke about was the rituals of smoking and that is what I’m going to miss. see, like right now, it’s early in the morning (depending on your view point — it could be late at night), and I’m drinking cawfee. if i was smoking, i would have a smoke burning in the ashtray next to me. just the smell would be enough some times. but see, even then i would let cigarettes just burn out without even touching them.

i told justin i was going to get kicked out of the artists community because i was no longer a smoker. he said writers don’t have to smoke. i said “uh, what about my whole dream of being that husky voiced alcoholic slut sitting at the end of the bar with the 10 best sellers behind me.” he said “oh yeah.”

it’s all about image.

really.

smoking has been a good part of my life for over 10 years. if not longer. i was a young innocent maiden when i started smoking and now I’m a.. 🙂

24 HOURS! YEAH! BABY!

go lisa, get your groove on. it’s your birthday. do the cabbage path. oh yeah.

I’d like to thank the academy and my producer and the director for being so great!

Oh wait, wrong speech.

shuffle shuffle

Actually, I have a lot to say on this subject 🙂 The people who encouraged me. My inspiration. And you know — it’s time for me to go to work! So, I’ll pick this back up at work kids.

will of steel

I’ve quit smoking.

and every once of will power that i own is forcing me to keep my ass to the seat. you see, right about now would be the time i would be outside with Matt or someone else enjoying the view of 2nd street and enjoying a Virginia slim ultra light menthols.

and instead, I’m sitting here chomping on gum that’s getting stale pretty quickly thinking that I’m ghetto girl.

and I’m trying really hard to do this.

because you see, no one believes that i can do it.

i thought i had smoked my last cigarette last night, but i found a pack in the bottom of my bag. for the last time, i had a smoke when i took justin to BART this morning. It’s been five hours. And the day is dragging on ridiculously slow. I took the tin of unfiltered gawth sticks that danny gave me and left them on Shmoo’s desk. Too much temptation for me.

Five hours. May not seem like much, but, for me, with smoking I’ve already had about five for the day. one when i got up, one or two on the way to work, one on break, etc. you get the point. You see, I know if I don’t think about it, I won’t feel the craving as badly, because that’s how I deal being around non-smokers. Like, if I’m dating someone who doesn’t smoke, I would hardly smoke around them and by not thinking about it i was able to go for hours without having on.

i read somewhere that quitting smoking is HARDER than quitting heroin or any other controlled substance. right now I’d rip out someone’s throat for a cigarette.

hi 🙂

deep breath.

(I’m trying really hard not to think about it, so please bear with me).

There are a lot of reasons why I’m quitting. I think the thing that pushed me over the edge was when i saw myself on cam a few days ago, and the person i saw on the cam was not attractive to me. And I’m not talking about physically either (cos well, I’m damn cute!) but the cigarette just seemed — icky.

back when i was in college, heather something or another, one of the OpEd editors on the paper said she couldn’t imagine me NOT smoking. and it was the same from everyone i knew. it seemed that my attitude towards everything including having a cigarette hanging out of my mouth, which i most often did.

but a lot of things have changed, especially with me. I’ve always disliked people with vices.

it’s been 11 hours since a cigarette.

today has drawn by ridiculously slow and almost saline filled. i’ve been feeling like i’ve been swimming in mud. nothing is making any sense and nothing is coming out right. mike thought i was depressed. and i’m not really. i’m not SAD just mopey. but i can’t find the differences between the two even though i told him that there were differences. and i feel so blah, but there isn’t anything to be blah about!

i think it’s just the death of an era if you ask me. lisa and smoking is kinda like rice and beans — they always go together.

i think that is what subconsciously i’ve been thinking about: that things are changing. all around me. I know i’m not making any sense right now, mike thought that i had gotten loopy. just, i can’t explain it. you quit smoking and your whole life changes!

or something.