Month: June 1999

muzak

i was sitting here, looking at the stack of 20 or CDs sitting on top of pleiades, and realized that i had nothing but depressing music. GEEZ!
Now Playing: Squirrel Nut Zippers:Hot.
Really bored?
Here is a list of all the cds I own.
I’m so cool beavis.
what’s sad is that i need another cd-rack. mine is erm, filled. i have no where am near danny though — he’s got over 500 CDs at last count. probably closer to a 1000. what’s even sadder is that i look at it and there is NOTHING there i want to listen to. grrrr. but that’s alright though, i have four or five new CDs showing up 🙂
thank god for mp3s. but you didn’t hear me say that.
ARGH!!!!!!!!!
My damn short attention span. I spend too much time at second spin. Here is a list of CDs I want. I’ll take ’em used. I’m not picky:
 


ArtistThe JudyBats
Ibid
Ibid
3rd Bass
Ibid
CDDaylight(cd-single)
Hold Your Horses – Judybats Rarities 1
When Southern Bells
Derelicts of Dialect
Cactus Album

 
Shit shit shit.
I’m sure, there are like a gazillion cds I want. However, I’m having an attack of amnesia.
Now Playing: JudyBats : Pain (Makes Me Beautiful).
Jesus christ on a pogostick!
Amazon.com has NO mention of this cd or anything by the Bats!! lemme try cdnow.com. yeah that’s it. GOOD GOD! Nothing at cdnow! Christ!! SOB!! One of the best bands from Tennessee in gods knows how long and well hell — best band in the late 80s/90s and freaking NOTHING. NOTHING AT CDUNIVERSE.COM EITHER!
It’s a conspiracy!!
I can’t find Judybats but they have Spoken word by Jewel?!? What’s up with that. I read her crap standing in a line one day at Barnes and Noble. The stupid bitch wrote a poem (in tribute to Charles Bukowski) called “Bukowsky’s Widow”. The dumb cunt spelled his goddamn name wrong! Gash.
I’m angsty. Well. Truth be told.
truth, justice and the lisa way
Ed.: Just got back from seeing Star Wars: Phantom Menace for the second time. DARTH MAUL IS SO SEXY! And I’ll probably see it one more time.
but anyway.
I was having a conversation with you know who (I swore I wouldn’t mention him again for a few days. I sound like a sappy high school girl. Next thing you know I’ll be drawing hearts an flowers!), but i digress, about trust, cheating and other predicaments.
now this particular person had has lovers cheat on him. he has trust issues. and i have no problem explaining things to him about people. i know a lot of people.
But again, I digress.
Anyone whose a fan of this site and has read back through all my pieces knows that I’m a HUGE fan of trust/honesty and commitment. Lord knows, all the whining I do on relationships, i was the one getting dumped on FAR MORE often then dumping of people. And in my whole life, I’ve only cheated twice. Once in high school on this guy Chris who I later found out had been cheating on me the whole time and dumped me for said girl. Alan cheated on me, Miguel cheated on me, the list is endless.
The second time I cheated on someone was with Danny, with Michael (I know too many damn Michaels!). (Miguel went by mike as well. Do you know see why my theory of ever male I know named Michael either dates a girl whose with someone or cheats on their girlfriend? It’s impossible!). I’m not proud of what I’ve done. And I have regretted it ever since then. I couldn’t have told Danny “I’m Sorry” enough to make it go away. I’ve done a lot of stupid things in my lifetime and a lot of stuff that I regret, but it has made me the person I am today. This is me.
Now, I used to believe in one-on-one relationships. My experiences with Jeff taught me about polyamory — and then I conceded that polyamory was for people who are afraid to make commitment. On the other hand, polyamorous relationships can have it’s benefits and as long as adults are consenting I don’t see a problem.
I’ve grown up. I’ve matured.
But, in all honesty, when Pawl and I used to talk about relationships and whatnot, and the possibility of US being in a relationship, and he said he didn’t care who I did as long as I came back to him. And sometimes that sounded fine — because I liked the idea of being FREE. But most of the time, It killed me because it showed just how little respect we had for each other. It didn’t grain with me at all.
But for the last couple of months, I’ve been doing some serious thinking. I’ve read all the books on commitment and polyamory, I’ve formed my own opinions for me.
I think, above and beyond anything else, trust and honesty is the way to go. If you are in a committed relationship with someone, and it’s monogamous, then it should remain as such. If you can’t keep your dick/pussy in your pants long enough to break up with the person, that shows, to me, how much disrespect you have for that person. I’ve been down that route. Especially when your bf of on/off of five years calls you and tells you “Hey — this 40yo chick just sucked me off. Everything I do, I do for you baby!” I still cringe when I hear those words.
My own personal experience is that after Alan dumped for another chyk (whom he had been cheating on me with). For three years I was single. I swore that no man would ever have my heart ever again. Not like that. It was too painful. It hurt way too much. I could never ever love like that. Proof in point, when I saw an Alan duplicate last year, my stomach dropped to the floor and I almost started crying. In the middle of the restaurant no less. I still loved the bastard after all these years. It never goes away, the pain just dims to a fading memory.
And I know where my faults lie. The internet is safe, c’mon it’s true. You can form intense relationships that last for days and feel like years. You get to know all the person you can and there is always something missing. I’ve said this publicly to my friends too many times: I like knowing I can see the person when I want to see them. Meaning, they don’t get the full Lisa-effect. They get what I choose to share with them. It’s safe. No real hurt involved. Nothing. It gets easier as time goes on. You put on this mask and you become a shell of yourself. They will never see how you look at certain movies, how you taste, how you feel against them at night. It’s a sham. I hate internet relationships. But in my own shyness offset, it’s the only way I could deal because after putting so much trust and hope into one person and have that person walk all over you — it’s hard.
the irony is that right now, i’m in a quasi-relationship. i refuse to define it. I know it’s there. this is something real. Because I can’t not help what he would look like when he laughs. And I took that piece of information and chewed on it for awhile and realize that i need to make it somewhat real. No more pixilated pictures. Nothing. I’ve spoken on this time and time again. It has to be real or it’s nothing.
i keep digressing.
justin used to laugh at all the mens i would have on a string — and it’s easy and it’s true. and every single one of those men on internet knew as well as i did that nothing would come of this. we would never meet. it was a diversion for whatever reason. and that’s okay too. and i’ve remained friends (for the most part) with those mens for a long time. good friends. more chances then not it was more platonic then romantic because the spark wasn’t there. and on the internet, everything is nothing but undercurrents and what not. they have other dalliances. i have mine. and then it ends.
earlier today when i got home from work, i was thinking about my friend victor.
i haven’t spoken to him in eons it seems, but he said something that struck in my mind: that the more a girl likes someone the more apt that she’s not going to use protection with that person. at first i laughed and said he was wrong, but went back to him a few days later and told him he was right. i looked back at my own relationships and knew that i was more apt to go condom-less the more i liked a person. but lisa has more self-respect for herself. a deep seeded fear after finding out that Alan not only slept with me bare-back but the bitch bare-back drove me insane. there has only been one person in the last five years i’ve slept without a condom on, and that was danny. we were monogamous (i used condoms with michael thank you) and i get checked every year. I don’t EVEN think about sleeping with someone without a condom now. it’s habit. one of the guys i car pool with left a condom in my car. i shoved it in my wallet. i started joking with my friends that it was for the “just in case” i ever met someone that i dug (hahahahahahahah). i always see the humour in that.
back on track lisa.
oh yeah, sorry.
so anyway, i started thinking about what victor said and related it to relationships. love can be defined by me in so many ways and i started thinking about all the guys i’ve liked in the past. how far would i go? for the most part, not very far. it would be as it was an that was that. but i noticed that once i started singling out things about a certain person. how much time i talk to them, email them, want to see them, everything else falls into place. you make allowances for that person that you wouldn’t make for others. what victor said was downright brilliant.
i’ve always been afraid on how to like someone again. really like someone. because the whole world is a stage and your the performer. and you really don’t want to fuck up. and i worry about that, worry that one of my little idosyncricies will shine through and that person will run away screaming in fear. there is so much in my head that has never been let out. i find myself recounting stories to whatshisname that never make it into regular conversation with anyone.
i liked justin, but I didn’t LIKE HIM LIKE HIM, if you knwo what I mean. I’ve only “liked” a few people in all those years — most I could give a shit about.
whoo boy. 🙂
i’ve made my decision, delirious and free.
i had this vision of who i was and who i wanted to be. i’ve recounted it several times over the years and lately within the last year — being in this constant blue funk. and lately i’ve noticed that i’ve been noticing the little things. the way the clouds hang over SF. The way Cat puckers when putting on lipstick, the angle of the shopping carts the homeless leave. the curve of my leg in shorts. things that in the past year went by in a blur.
i used to feel time was running out on me. i wouldn’t live long and that i would have nothing left to show for it. sometimes i wonder just how much you can say before you make a fool out of yourself.
in conclusion, i just want to say this: if you are in a relationship with someone, and you honestly are in love with them. tell them. daily. tell them you care. if you’re not in love with them, break up with them. leave them. find someone who can make you happy. Just don’t ever lie to them or cheat on them. You’ll regret it in the morning.
I’ve got a spring in my step lately and i’ve been feeling good. and maybe it’s because i’m taking time out for me for once. looking at who i am. feeling myself out.
and you know?
for once i like who i am.
and that, in itself is a small miracle.

i dream of you

do i look like a cartoon freak to you?
no?
didn’t think so.
so imagine my surprise (and delight) when i got hooked on Strangers in Paradise.
One of the first emails that Mike sent me, he recommended that I read SIP, and when I first looked at it via Amazon.com site, I thought “comics? ugh no.”
Then Mike and I started recommending movies* and books to each other and he kept bugging me to read SIP. And so, I ordered it Friday from Amazon and it got delivered today.
I sat at my desk and read the whole book within an hour.
“It’s comics for people who don’t like comics” — it just fucking rocks! I ADORE the characters — and I feel like such a mix between Katchoo and Francie. I’m defiently Francie’s body type with Katchoo’s attitude. I was SOOO all over the official site like white on rice. I just spent 25 bucks ordering back issues to start catching up. I fell in love with the characters and was simply amazed at how much like both Katchoo and Francine I was. On the website, Terry Moore (the artist) put up their specs and even my measurements match Francine’s. My personality is more like Katchoo’s though — long ugly past including my own trip into hell with the mafia. (True story. One I will NOT repeat.)
Upon reflection, I was surprised to realize how much of me was given back to me. Really. There is this scene where Francie’s old bf Chuck is talking to Freddie (another one of her exes) and Chuck’s description of Francie described me to a damn T. I got so enamored, I down loaded the desktop theme and made it mine.
The more I searched, the more I found I was glad to have found that the series was NOT discontinued (it always works that way doesn’t it? You find something you really like and then it’s gone!).
So I sent Mike a SIPCard and spent money on the back issues. I’m so there on buying them every month. The really cool part is that Mike is going to a comic con in Chicago in July. Terry Moore is going to be there. Mike is going to try and get something signed for me. I feel so damn cool! I know famous people! 🙂 WOOO!!
Someone mentioned i’ve been in a fairly good mood these last four weeks or so — and I tell you, reflecting back on it, I realize that most of it has to do with talking to mike. really. mike and i talk all damn day at work and when we get home from work. your looking at easily 8-10 hours PER DAY. And i’m not sick of him yet. I asked him if he was sick of me, and he said “Yeah, sure. :)”. Men, I tell you 🙂
okay, the one thing that is trepidatious out ‘us’ (whatever the fuck you call us) is that he’s frightened somewhat by my website. well, not frightened per se, but just that he’s a private person and well — i’m not. 🙂 (Gee Lisa, who would have thunk that!). In a lot of aspects, I am really very private. Again, I must say that what you see here is not all of me, put a part of me. A lot of things I’ve communicated to Mike (and others) would never make it to this website. Why? Because my whole life is not up for show and tell — it’s that simple. But I can’t help talking about Mike. He’s just so damn keen. You know, he’s the first person who really asks the right questions in god knows how long? And he’s funny. And he’s cute. And he’s tall. And he’s creative. And he’s Mike. 🙂 I like Mike. 🙂
Ohh! wanna see something cool?
Unflattering — but — 🙂
imhotep.
darthmaul.
mike.
(chant one chant all!)
As many of you who know me in a day to day basis, i’ve become obsessed with Darth Maul. first it started with the 8″ figurine that i ordered from the Mos Espay “store” on star wars official website. Then I bought the poster. Then I found darth maul legos. Then Cat bought me Darth Maul body wash and a clock for my birthday. Then I bought another poster. Will the madness ever end?!?!
Probably not. The sad truth is that Ray Park, the actor who plays him, is only 5’6″!!!!!!!
and BLONDE! to boot.
SOB
Life sucks sometimes, I tell ya.
new do
Since December, I’ve been slowly cutting my hair shorter. a few weeks back, I went to a high falutin salon that my friend Roxy suggested and had Mark Anthony (no joke, that is his name. there is a joke in there but i’m not going touch it) do my hair. I arrived on time and ended up waiting for over a 1/2 hour for his highness, i mean hairdresser, to get to me. after he pulled and looked and chopped, i was done. the funny thing was though, is that he put in like 10 different hair care products in my hair. he blew dry my hair into this big hair helmet and i felt like i had stuck my fingers in the light socket. i shelled out close to $40 bucks for said hair care products and left. I looked in the mirror and felt like i should have been wearing blue eye shadow, pink lipstick and become Ms. Texas. When Rob, Roxy’s bf, showed up the next day, he proclaimed me to be gorgeous and said that when Roxy comes home, she ALWAYS has to re-wash and re-do her hair. And Roxy is beautiful.
but my hair is my hair. it’s thick, it’s wavy. it’s colorized. it sucks when long and it’s sucking when cut certain lengths. so i decided to say “fuck it” and went shorter. i called up SuperCuts in Rockridge and went this past Sunday afternoon to have my hair cut again. it was funny, sitting there having this little Asian woman cutting so effortlessly at my hair — thinking about Mark Anthony’s work going down the tube (if you would have seen how he sat there scrutinizing my hair like it was art — you’d get that). But the end result was much shorter hair. It didn’t dawn on me till I was looking at myself in the mirror glass that is on the first floor of my office that i looked — BUTCHY! I screamed, I cried, I cursed my impulsiveness. i went in and pouted to mike. he asked for his daily picture — i said no. and he pouted and i caved in. and he called me gorgeous. i was like “shush your mouth boy. you’ve been smoking too much crack.” he said “no really, your cute but this is the best pic of you yet.” i was like “What!?!? my hair is fucked up and i have no makeup on.” He said he didn’t matter. I started blushing wildly. The bastard. 🙂 They can be so insensitive.
so, check out the picture to your left. that’s my new do. i’ll be coloring it this weekend. again. haven’t decided on WHAT color as of yet. probably dark brown or red again. we’ll see. i’m awfully pale. next thing you know i’ll be pissing black and farting bats.
oh la mour
i actually have a lot on my mind other than seemingly superficial stuff. justin. well, justin is sleeping on the floor now. finally made the move to prepare him for when i do actually leave this joint. i didn’t mind it at first with us sleeping in the same bed together after we broke up — but after awhile it started becoming more uncomfortable. there were a few instances where his hands went where they shouldn’t — but he’s in love with me and i felt bad. guilt almost. but it’s defiently not what i wanted.
it takes a lot to push me to do something sometimes. like the length of time it took me to break it off with him (again — i reiterate — he knew since October i wasn’t in love with him) — and going back to school — and moving — and work.
i’m trying really hard to struggle beneath everything.
the other night at my quasi-birthday party, everyone wondered why justin was there. well i invited him and he showed up cos it was my birthday. but that didn’t stop me from having fun. i’m single goddamnit. i can do whatever the fuck i want. there are no rings on these fingers. but i got teased and ragged on for the simple fact that:
a.) we live together still
b.) we sleep in the same bed
And the more I thought about it — how it LOOKED to actual reality and i haven’t been single in years. i want time for fun. and i like other people (well — one person in particular). i didn’t need this shit from my friends. 🙂 Well, they mean well. The whole bit about when I am going to start dating again — but it’s funny — people yell at you to get out of a bad situation and then rag on you for being single. You can’t win.
i’m doing the best i can considering the circumstances i’m in right now. so back off, please 🙂
(this is a much nicer note then what i had in my head the other day — but heck, whatever works.)
past comes back to haunt you
i got really drunk on saturday night. i don’t remember much, but this is what i do remember:

  • flitting around with a purple feather boa wrapped around my neck (must have been thinking of greg dulli — mmmm).
  • Biting and being bitten.
  • being the kissing bandit.
  • doing tequila shots with TJ.
  • Jason likes having his hair pulled.
  • Scott likes me to verbally abuse him.
  • i look damn good in black.
  • propositioning john.

the rest they say, is history.
x0x0x0x0x,
SIPGirl
*Movies I recommend:
Dream For An Insomniac
Clay Pigeons
Buffalo ’66
Opposite of Sex
Pecker

Happy Birthday To Me

Seems pretty self-explanatory to me.
Strangers in Paradise
I can either write a really happy “OH GOD IT’S LISA-MAS DAY” type of chronicle or I can be utterly depressing.
Let’s do both.
I haven’t been feeling too hot as of late. Other than the usual melee of crap running around in my head, there really isn’t nothing that is driving me nuts but maybe the onslaught of my birthday. Everything is coming up Lisa recently but, the problem is that I cannot stop obsessing about the fact that I am getting older. It’s a part of life and i have accepted it as such. as i told Chuck last night on AIM, I’ll always feel 17 in my head. He said he felt 22. It works out perfect.
Anyway, last night I got home and there was a package from my mother in the mail. I was surprised actually that she sent me something because lately I’ve been thinking that I wouldn’t receive even a phone call from her or my dad. So Cat, Justin and I were talking when I opened up the package. Inside I found the following items:
 

  • The deed to the house on Paris St that my mother bought for 70k in 1990. The house is being sold as part of her bankruptcy.
  • Original marriage license dated July 2, 1971 for Marietta K. Preiss and Edison K. Rabey
  • Immigration and naturalization papers for one Lisa M. Rabey dated February 14, 1973.
  • Photocopy for a “Complaint of Divorce” between one Marietta K. Rabey and Edison K. Rabey dated January 22, 1974.
  • Original copy of above.
  • Certificate of baptism for one Lisa M. Rabey dated July 7th, 1973.
  • Birth Certificate for one Edison K. Rabey, born May 22, 1927 in Gaspe Bay North, Quebec Canada to Thomas M. Rabey and Sarah McFee.
  • Certificate of my first communion dated May 4th, 1980.
  • Certificate of my confirmation dated April 13th, 1986.
  • One “child identification card” for Lisa M. Rabey, dated 4.12.86. I stood 5’10 and 160lbs.
  • Copy of baptismal certificate.
  • “Deans List” honor award, dated May 1, 1988 while i was in high school.Mixed along that list was a cartoon my mom sent me (any cartoon she finds that seemingly is high tech or applicable to me, she sends to me) and a letter. Her beautiful handwriting on pink paper.

i read the letter to cat and justin. parts that i couldn’t read, i handed to cat to decipher for us. i joked that in high school her handwriting made it damn hard to copy for “excused absences” when i was off skipping. her letter pretty much said the same thing her letters have been saying as of late. she’s broke. she needs money. an itinerary of her complaints. cat almost cried when i put the letter down. we couldn’t figure out as a collective why she would send me the above stuff and that letter. dated June 2, 1999. arrived June 11, 1999. she didn’t even acknowledge or wished me a happy birthday.
there are about three people in the world that i’m in contact with who know of me from when I was living in Michigan: Sherry, Shelly, Jenni and Danny. Since I communicate with Jenni, Danny and Shelly on-line now, they know (or rather verify) that my mother is nucking futs. or fucking nuts. I emailed Shelly last night right before I watched Swingers with cat and justin.

We’re gonna spend half the night driving around the Hills looking for one party and then leaving ’cause it sucks, then we’re gonna look for this other party you heard about. But, Trent, all the parties and bars, they all suck. I spend half the night trying to talk to some girl who’s eyes are darting around to see if there’s someone more important she should be talking to. And it’s like I’m supposed to be happy ’cause she’s wearing a backpack? Half of them are nasty skanks who wouldn’t be shit if they weren’t surrounded by a bunch of drunken horny assholes. I’m not gonna be one of those assholes. I want to throw up. Some fuckin’ skank who is half the woman my girlfriend is is gonna front me? It makes me want to fuckin’ puke!

vinegette
yesterday was d-day at work. i had to have Y2K crap ready to go for FirstWorld and since all the idiots didn’t get it on time, I didn’t have it finished. And my own stuff wasn’t finished. I was running around like a chicken with her head cut off pulling systems apart. one of the jacks was dead and i couldn’t repatch it via the hub. two computers died on me. otto ripped apart four machines and dumped them in my cubicle to get finished. i said fuck it and left at 8pm. i’ll deal with the shit on Sunday.

Mike has been pushing me to write my book. i started getting all defensive about it and said something really nasty about his cartoons. i couldn’t believe i said it. after i said it, i opened mouth and inserted foot. i kept apologizing up and down to him and i still felt aghast at what i had said. and he said, “yeah i understand, it’s only my lifes work.” all i kept thinking about last night when i got home from work was how awful i felt for saying it. so in conversation last night, he asks me if i had purchased Strangers in Paradise yet. I said no. So I hurried off to amazon.com and bought it. i think it’s important to him that i ‘get’ why he loves cartoons (yeah he’s a kick ass artist. i got two Mikey comix for my birthday signed. i suddenly became cool in my office for his rendition of me looking at flowers).
I’ve never gotten into comix because, well, i dunno. just never thought about it before. in turn, he asked me to recommend a book to him for him to read. we went through a few possibilities and i hit the nail on the head with Heinlein. Since my turn on to Heinlein was by Jeff who thought I would dig it, I suggested Time Enough For Love as a good intro to his work. Mike agreed it seemed good, so as a surprise I ordered it for him. Hey, i’ve been feeling down the last few days and shop when i’m depressed. Thus explains the two new CDs, darth maul poster and other crap I’ve bought on-line. I didn’t think anything about it. So when I told him what I had done, he said he felt uncomfortable with it. I understood that and cancelled the order. Mike even mentioned it in his journal.
even though I understood it, i felt worse. I had insulted him twice. i wasn’t doing anything right, it felt like. it wasn’t me talking, it was the depression i was feeling.
mike kept turning the conversation around and we started talking about my book.
i sent him the two possible starter chapters i had worked on a year ago and he liked them.
now all i have to do is write it, he says. he wants me to send chapter by chapter as i go along. giving objective opinion.
jaffo said to be prepared to say “fuck you” to anyone who says anything to me about writing.
he’s on page 200 and something into his novel.
he’s my hero.

internet luv
From a TLC reader:

“you know, it’s weird you should write about ICQ random searches… Nov. of 97,
Crystal did a random search, found me… I lived in FL, she in MO, to make a
long story short (as I figured that’s the kind you’d like, if you like them at
all 🙂 ) I came up to MO to visit my grandfather the day after Christmas of
97, met Crystal on the 28th, we were engaged on Jan 1st 98, I moved here Jan.
12, 98, and we’re getting married two weeks from today…
BTW… happy birthday :)”

it’s 5:11pm and it’s my birthday. it seemed the more i sat here writing the more depressed i got. i went and did a few shots of liquid courage (ie: Skyy Vodka) and i feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I need to shake myself out of this.
Sonya just called and said that i had to bring girls over for the party tonight as only a few females are confirmed for showing up. All my female friends that I have invited couldn’t make it. I said “who cares” — let me make an ass out of myself tonight. It’s my fscking birthday!
I want to thank everyone for the flowers, books, cd’s, chocolates, cards and other goodies that I have gotten for my birthday. Every present was as unique as the person who sent them. You guys rock. I love you all.
x0x0x0x0x0x0x,
Lisa

internet relationships: the good, the bad, and the ugly

My birthday is tomorrow.
Gifts of luv, money, new life, geeky men can be sent here.
what we lose, we become
in this dust bowl of a soul, of this ego of the mind
just a little too hungry, i don’t know

this is something i’ve been thinking about for the last few years that i have never gotten around to writing about. oh yeah sure, i’ve had internet relationships — i think now it’s more of the norm than anything else. but there is so much trepidation about it and so much myth — i finally had a reason to write about it.
so here you are, sl00ting around the web. you find someone’s website that you think kicks ass. you email them. they email you back. your swapping email back and forth all day at work. next thing you know, you’re sitting up on irc all night talking to them. OR your sitting on icq and you get messaged by someone who is dong random searches and you come up. You exchange a few pleasantries and next thing you know your picking out china patterns. OR you are on a mailing list and you start exchanging words with someone whom you admire for their thoughts.
so then what?
someone once said to me, that if airlines started offering special discounts for people who met via the internet, they would make a killing.*
Back in 1995, when i met my first person off the internet, i was scared. At this time, most of the people i hung out with on a daily basis didn’t “get” my obsession with computers or with the internet. My friends didn’t get “it”. But they were intrigued. They thought i was crazy to have been meeting someone, who while i “knew”, i never literally met in “real” life. And that’s how i met Matt.
The basic jist of the story is this: i met Matt on irc one day while i was wasting time instead of working on homework for Trig. He was a student at U of West Georgia. We started talking back and forth and things just clicked. i thought it was silly to have “like” text, but, anyone who knows me knows that i’m pretty stubborn and that nothing stands in my way of things. i liked this person, i liked him a lot. The little thing called geography didn’t bother me. But then there came a time when you can only do so much talking and have to make the decision on whether or not your going to carry the relationship farther than what it is. We made that decision to meet.
i had told all my chums about him by this point and they were as intrigued with meeting him as i was. So, one fine day in October of 1995, he flew to Michigan and we met.
My job was to reserve a motel room and meet him at the airport. My friend Jenni was along for the ride as she had also talked to him via irc and on the phone. i still remember standing at Kent County Airport, smacking on gum anxiously as he debarked from the plane. My breath caught. When he entered the gateway for visitors, i ran up to him and gave him a big hug.
Nervousness was all around.
i remember sitting in my car, getting ready to get out once we hit the bar to meet my friends and he looked at me and i looked at him. i just melted. He learned over and kissed me so right that i became a puddle on the floor. We walked, hand and hand with sheepish grins on our faces to have him meet my friends.
A few foo-foo drinks later, i was calmed down enough to not feel like i was going to throw up. Matt held my hand at the bar as everyone chatted around us. The DJ was playing a slow song when Matt asked me to dance. My friends were looking at us in awe.
When he left a few days later, i cried so hard i thought my heart would break.
Of course, things weren’t as perfect as they had seemed. Matt and i had talked about me flying down to Georgia for his birthday which was also Christmas day. in November of that year, i was planning on going to a journalist conference in DC and had called him to see if wanted to meet me there. He started hemming and hawing about it and told me that if i met someone, to go for it. i was like “what the fuck are you talking about? i’m dating YOU!” he kept telling me that he would understand if i met someone closer and that it would be “okay” if i did that. He also didn’t want me to spend my money on a plane ticket to come down for Christmas. he wanted me to save it. i argued that was whole point of having that money — that was what i saved for.
i flew to DC with the rest of my friends from the college newspaper i was on. ironically, all the girls in the group were dating someone — and i was the only person who didn’t cheat on my “bf”. i did meet RJ — but that is another story in and of itself.
When i got back to a cold and snowy Michigan, Matt called me. i was at the newspaper room working on edits for the next issue. He wanted to break up — he needed time. He needed to make sure this was what he wanted. i couldn’t believe it. i was absolutely aghast. i cried and begged and pleaded. i had convinced myself that i was in love with him and i thought he felt the same way. That is what he told me. i had put my faith in someone and i got my heart broken.
The truth came out a few years later:
it seems that while matt was finishing his degree, he had short funds (who isn’t in college). A good friend of his was going to live in Atlanta and was going to sublet her apartment. it was a two bedroom and she was going to sublet it to him and to another girlfriend of hers.
He and the other roommate started dating and had been since the summer, while i was under the impression that we were a “couple”.
Matt found me a few years later on irc and wanted to call me — he had things to tell me. i had known about the story from him previously — but he needed to tell me something he said.
So i was living with Danny then and even though Matt and i had worked out our differences as a couple, we were still friends.
He told me, that he had fucked up. it had been eating away at him for the last couple of years of what he had done to me. He knew, he said, that i was the one for him. But the whole distance thing and my faith in him drove him mad. He got shit over (who hadn’t?) by his last girlfriend before me and he just assumed that i would do the same. So, to protect himself, he started dating the roommate. The ended up living together later on. it wasn’t that he really loved her — he did. But he wasn’t in love with her like he was with me. He knew he fucked up. He knew that he had let fear and uncertainty eat away at his soul till he had to cut me loose. He couldn’t apologize enough he said. He wished he could go back to make things right. but by this point, years had traveled between us. i was living with danny — we were talking about getting engaged. my heart broke even more because the girl in 1995 would have said yes to him in a heartbeat. and now things had changed. he loved me he said — and he always would. he would never forgive himself for letting me go. he told me he loved me and that was literally the last time i heard from him.
on the ride into work, Cat, Scott and i had the conversation about internet relationships. i needed feedback. i wanted to know what they thought about it. Cat had scary stories — not of her own personal relationships but of freaky friends she knew. Scott was more positive about it. He said, if it weren’t for the fact that he was meeting new people off the internet, he wouldn’t know what he would do. He’s extremely shy — this gives him a chance to open up and talk to people he would have problems talking to in face to face conversations. Scott moved to SF for someone he had met on-line, and they dated for two years. Cat told me of a girlfriend of hers that had been “dating” this guy for about seven months before she actually met him. The friend flew to be with him for the summer, they fell in love even more so and got married.
For me? Well, that’s a whole different story in and of itself. Out of the countless 100s of people i have met off-line that i knew on-line, the relationships are really no different than in a face to face encounter. i love going out drinking and having fun, but i do not think highly of meeting people in bars. Four years ago, the one person i had met in a bar had attempted to rape me at his house. if it weren’t for the fact i had brought a friend with me, it probably would have happened.
But out of all those 100’s of people i’ve met, 90% had been platonic relationships. i’ve meet people from user groups or mailing lists of common interests. i’ve gone to parties and what not. it’s no longer weird or strange, it just /is/. Living out in SillyValley, where everything is internet related, it’s hard not think that you met someone off-line as opposed to online. This past Christmas time, i was walking around downtown with a bunch of people i had met from the mailing list FTE. it didn’t seem strange to me that the i wouldn’t have met any of these people if it weren’t for the fact that i had to take the initiative and sign up on the mailing list.
i’ve heard people rag on the fact that people who are on-line have no life (i find it amusing they feel the need to say this on irc — hypocrites?). But, if someone was out going out every night and partying and wooping it up — that’s having a life? it’s a contradiction in terms to me. Like what i said above — that i am weary of meeting people in bars — but on the flips ide, where else am i gonna find someone with similar interests but at a like gathering? it just doesn’t make sense to me why the common thread seems to be that people are all over the fact that it’s okay to do one thing and not okay to do another.
a few years ago, i came up with a book idea about two soul mates who lived 3000 miles apart from each other. each chapter of the book flip-flopped between the two characters: each telling their own side. i hadn’t thought about how they had met yet, but the idea would be that they would have a relationship /before/ they met. that they knew upon meeting that the other was it.
i’ve always been a mind person. i would rather have dated someone who thinks similar to me than to date some gorgeous stud muffin. eye candy isn’t enough — i need mental stimulation or else i’m gonna get bored. and where else but the internet are you gonna find it like that? And the same thing flips both ways. i want someone who appreciates my head first than my body. that’s important to me. i’m not always going to be young and beautiful, but I’ll always have my mental facilities about me.
i hope.
it’s now June 12, 1999. And i should really get to the point of what this long rambling chronicle was about:
Lisa’s Steps to a Successful internet Meeting:

  • internet time vs Real timePlease be aware that things are highly accelerated in meeting someone on the net. The very basic conversion that for every one month on-line that you know someone, it equals 6 months in a day to day “face to face”. Why? Because of the lack of interaction with that person, everything is going on by feelings and words, which we all know is very intense. How you choose to act with that person is your call, but feelings and what not can be very harsh and unreal it seems. So take it slow.
  • On-line personality vs real-life personalityThis is a big one. The huge argument that i’ve heard about meeting people off-line is that you really don’t know them. My devils argument is that you probably know them better than anyone else. They choose to revel to you what they might not revel to their day to day counterparts. Be aware of that. it’s important that you go by gut instinct and how you feel. if something doesn’t feel right about the person, don’t put yourself in a position to disappoint yourself. Too many times people say “Well i didn’t know!” and they did know, they just choose to ignore it.
  • Timing is the keyWhen the words “i think we should meet” come out — be prepared for your relationship to change. Once you start about meeting face to face in the BBR (big blue room), you’ll find that anxiety and fear can start replacing your calm cool collected feelings about the person. While yes, it would be great to meet the person casually, don’t rush. This is very important. if you have interweb-newbie friends, they are going to think that meeting someone off-line is going to be weird. Go with what feels comfortable with you. For some people, meeting the next day works while with others it’s a year later. When and how you decide to meet is totally up to you, there is no set limit.
  • Friends and Familyif you are involved in an internet relationship that is of the romantic flavor, and you tell your friends they may think you have been hitting the crack pipe a little too hard. it is MUCH MORE common now to meet people on-line then ever before. They may disapprove. They may say harsh things. i’ve been on both sides of the fence, but once my “real” friends got used to the idea that i had “on-line” friends they were more willing to accept me meeting them. There are always going to be stories about people who got killed, raped or what have you from meeting someone online. Most of these stories can be traced back to urban legends and or myths started from something else. Meeting someone on-line and carrying it over to “real” life is no different then meeting someone from a personals ad or meeting them in another medium ie: through friends, blind dates or what have you.
  • Common Sense When you are planning on meeting someone for the first time, keep in mind the following items, which is basically all common sense:1. Meet in a public place. For coffee or dinner or what have you. Most of the friendships i have kept and generated from being on-line, those friends tend to be 1000’s of miles away. if i get really good vibes from the person, we will make arrangements to stay at each others house. My friend James flew in from England on five days notice and stayed with me and my roommates to go see Star Wars: Phantom Menace. Since James and i are platonic friends, there was no pressure other than nervousness (which is normal) when we met. We fell into our roles in real life as we did online. Because neither one of us really talked about the “stress, fear, anxieties” or even felt it before we met, our meeting was like two old friends who hadn’t seen each other in years.
    2. Out of town trips. if you are planning on meeting for the first time, take the time out to plan a trip. Again, work with what’s best for you. When i lived in Michigan, i drove everywhere, which i loved doing. i would crash at someone’s house and we would go to an irc party and have fun. Now, that it seems that most of the people i keep running into live more than 1k miles from me, flying to see them is the only option. Going by the rules above, when a date is planned, talk about the transportation. Split the cost of the plane/train/bus ticket. Decide what feels right to you about where to meet (whose city) and where you are going to stay. For some, staying at a hotel is an option or staying at the persons house. go what feels comfortable for you.basically, i could go on and on about this. but when you come right down to it, each meeting is unique and individual as the two people meeting. keep your wits about you, don’t let fear or anxiety override your feelings for the person and everything will be fine.

luv,
the birthday girl

this much i know is true

My birthday is in two days.
Gifts of luv, money, new life, geeky men can be sent here.
i had just finished the tome I Know This Much Is True by Wally Lamb. what else can you say about a 900 page tome about twins, incest, drugs, AIDS, SIDS and other fun stuff?
the ending was tied too neatly and everything fell into place.
all i wanted to do was give someone a hug, and i had no one to do so.
i’ve been thinking about death recently. and life. i can’t help not thinking about. i’ve been obsessed with the thought of death since i was a wee tot and had seen this television show on cryogenics. i laid awake in fear, thinking that someone was going to put me in a big freezer and never let me out.
would explain where the insomnia came into it place.
i spent hours tonight talking to cartoon boy. and most of it just me talking with him listening. i appreciated that. because in all honesty, no one, in a long time has ever really asked me about stuff in general. about me. questions have arrived, looking for answers, about why i do this site? there are no real answers or any that i can think of. but the context always begs “what will she say and what won’t she say?”. and i find that i don’t dwell on anything in particular and i find that i don’t speak of any particular subject. however, it just is. it’s something and it’s nothing.
when i think about love lately, i think about why people fall in love. is it mutual attraction? loneliness? what?
i spoke to my friend sherry yesterday to wish her a happy 26th birthday. 10 years we have known each other — amazing. she’s living with ben now – finding that hard to believe. i told her that we have swapped roles — she’s now settling down while I’m jet setting around. she laughed and said that i never expected this from her did i? no, i knew it was coming. i never told her that. and now it’s true. all my friends are either married with children, married or just have children. I’m truly the last one left. we’d joke, shelly and i about sherry — about how she would never settle down. and now she has.
when mike and i talk about relationships, i always go back to Alan and how he broke my heart when i was 21. and it seems, talking with mike more, that the relationships in between then and now were not as important or as life changing. every person you meet changes you, in some way or another, but there are some who alter your life drastically. and Alan did that to me.
I’m not saying that those relationships since then were indifferent, they weren’t. what i am saying is that when you fall in love for the first time in your life, it changes everything.
as i have said before, mike is the type of person i would date in a heartbeat if it were so. but there is 2000 miles of dirt between us that cannot just be upped and gone. (is that even proper English?) the funny thing is, i gave up on irc relationships years ago — and i find myself into another one. is he my bf? no. but is he just a friend? no. then what the fuck is he? i dunno. he’s a keen guy. i likes him a lot. he’s’ tall, funny, southern, smart, likes the same music and movies (!) (dude, he knows of greg dulli — you cannot go wrong here) plus he’s creative. I’ll whip his ass in trivial pursuit. you know it. BRING IT!
the problem is, in the past, i have gone places for the sake of love, knowing it wasn’t going to work out. but i gave it that old heave ho try to MAKE SURE cos i didn’t want to leave a stone unturned. and my heart always got broken. in some aspect anyway.
this saturday i will be 27 and 30 is looming right ahead. i am frightened by different things and doing the whole dating dance scares me. there is no rhyme or reason why I’m not out and about with my friends here in SF — but partly the reason i have for hesitance is because SF has tainted itself and I don’t see it as being the city of dreams i thought so many years ago. however, i grew up a lot our here — and maybe some of the choices i make in the future won’t be so damn retarded. sure.
i would like to meet mike.
i told him so early this evening in our conversation. but i find now that i have been left alone to my own mind, that my hesitation grows long and weary. there are no warning signals indicating he’s a freak. i am not tied to anything or anyone in any particular place. i have no fears here or there that would keep me rooted to SF or forbidding me from flying to Graceland to meet a k-rad guy.
the only thing i fear
is falling in love.

home is where the heart is

My birthday is in four days.
Gifts of luv, money, new life, geeky men can be sent here.
home is where the heart is
My friend Jenni from back home, sent me an email with this in it:

you need to come home before it goes…….
for old time sake, we could have a sleep over and I can snap your bra into the ceiling fan.

My mother, it seems is going through the toughest parts of her life. My step-father Robert is finally filing for divorce after being married for nearly 8 years (they have only lived together for aproximently 2 of those 8 years) and my mother has decided to file for bankruptcy. Along the lines of bankruptcy, she’s giving up the house on Paris Ave in Grand Rapids along with all the furniture inside of it.
Danny is making arrangements to have my mothers four poster cherrywood bed, cherry wood desk, my grandmothers rocking chair and the living room couch put in storage for me.
my brother Jeff got accepted to Bradley University, my mother is moving into a mansion outside of Grand Rapids with friends and I’m in SF. Any resemblance of family is now gone.
I remember back in early days, when I was a child growing up in Port Huron, MI, the big family get togethers held for every holiday. My mother is the oldest of seven children, I’m the third oldest grandchild. Now, everything is gone. My older cousins are married with kids of their own. My younger cousins Kevin, Shelly, Chris, and Paul are god knows where. My aunts are all retreated into some sort of weird lifestyle that makes them forever unmarriageable (three of my mothers sisters never did get married and all hang out together in some sort of weird lesbianism way. but they aren’t lesbians. maybe just crotchety old aunts?). My grandmother died in 1972, my grandfather passed away in 1996. My fathers side I have never had any contact with to begin with – and my father is now 72 and holed up in a nursing home in Toronto.
I am, completely alone.
And it’s been coming for years. When my mother in 1985 got the killer job offer in Grand Rapids and moved our little family of three there, all the family get togethers died. Even living just 2.25 hours away from them, I never saw them for months if not years at a time. The last time I made any effort to see my family was back in 1996 when my grandfather passed away, and I stood like an outsider at my grandfathers funeral. I knew nothing of these people anymore. My older cousins Doug and Denise who used to torture me when i was a kid had nothing to say to me. My younger cousins Kevin and Shelly were grown up — and I stood there feeling lonely than ever because I never had what I have always dreamed about: family. And I remember crying on my way back to my apartment that I shared with Danny then, because I had nothing. My relationship with my mother had been lukewarm at best, my father I never lived with save one year when I went to school in toronto, and my cousins never made an effort to contact me.
I remember sitting at my computer the day after I got back from his funeral, drinking down a fifth of absolute and paging my brother to get a bag of pot so that I didn’t have to think. No one could quite understand what was wrong with me. I never drank at home and Lisa buy pot? Oh yeah right — hell must have frozen over. I drove to the funeral on Christmas Eve, came back the day after Christmas and drunk myself into a stupor between the 26th and New Years Day.
Many people don’t understand why I feel so damn down about this — primarily because I’ve always regarded myself as an orphan in all aspects. My mother even said it herself that when I moved to SF that I had cut off all ties to family and never called, wrote or even came home. I tried going back home and making things right last Christmas, but things between me and my mom never changed and while I was happy to be back at my old stomping grounds I found that nothing was the same — and that any life for me in GR was over. I tried telling myself that I wanted to go back — and I still do — but it’s not the same. Everything has changed and I am no longer that scared little girl any more that used to sit in her bedroom crying anymore.
it’s several hours since i wrote the above, and I’m at work now. i hate when i break up a chronicle like this: writing half at home and the other half somewhere else. i lose my train of thought — and the somberness i had earlier this morning isn’t as prevalent as it is now. A good shower, shaving my legs, lots of cawfee, talking to cartoon boy, I can’t feel depressed right now.
But then again, maybe i don’t want to think about it.
it always ends up this way.

the pill vs the springhill mining disaster

My birthday is in five days.
Gifts of luv, money, new life, geeky men can be sent here.
the pill vs the springhill mining disaster
every day my roommate and i have a fight.
i get up, rinse my mouth with plax, plop my contacts in. once my vision is crystal, the first thing i always notice is the case that she keeps her diaphragm in and her damn spermicide. it sits there, so innocent on top of the shelf above the sink. and every day i get this revolting feeling in my stomach. i try not to let it get to me — i mean it’s not like her diaphragm is staring me in the face, winking at me, reminding me that I’m alone. but it’s just the class of the whole idea. i mean, it’s tacky for godsakes. i mean it’s bad enough that no one will go and fix the cracked toilet seat. Cathleens idea was to use duct tape around it the crack. my my my, aren’t we high falutin.
so.
i move the diaphragm and jelly into her bedroom. and that next morning it was back in full force. laying there in its pretty pink case – defying me. taunting me.
it’s annoying the piss out of me.
what jails is like
“I’ll warn you, if cornered
I’ll scartch my way out of the pen
wired, an animal, the claustrophobia begins.”
it’s approximently 3:57am and insomnia is taking over.
again.
it’s a never ending battle it seems. today i was so proud of myself. all of the stuff i had planned on doing i got done (oh yeah, fighting with justin was on the list of priorities, don’t lemme forget that): i updated the site. i did laundry. i biored. i cleaned the house. put the clean laundry away. called the car pool people. it was going swell. so at 11:something, when i laid down to read before i went to sleep, and i check the clock an it’s 12:16, and then 1:26 and then it’s 2:27am. Justin is back to working days now at PBI, so he’s up at the crack of dawn. He decided, at 11pm, to watch Party Girl. I rented it for him, on the basis that there was nothing else at the vid store. And Danny always said i reminded him of Parker Posey. She’s got MOXY! I luv her.
An anonymous email I just sent out:

“It’s 4:16am and I’m still awake.
It’s freezing here.
And i’ve decided that I’m unbearably lonely.
Lisa”

you know, I’m tired of being strong.
Mike and i had this killer conversation yesterday (being Sunday — lets not fuck up my sleeping habits enough).
And I like him.
I like the fact that that I can be something of myself around him. I thought he was being pretty spacey sometimes — you know always good for a few laughs — he’s a funny guy. every time we are on the phone, I’m laughing so hard my stomach aches. but today was different.
and i think it was because when the fun and games were done, we got down to some serious talking. he always pesters me to ask him questions (i hate when people do that btw) about himself. and it’s hard, when i’ve lived in my head for so damn long. almost 27 years worth.
and we talked.
and it felt good — it didn’t feel contrived or that i was using one of my sparkingly personalities to do something. I’m grasping for the words to describe it — but I’m afraid I’ll sully it with some trite description. and this wasn’t really about you know, a rehash of our life — but it was more a telling of stories. about ourselves. and i felt utterly comfortable discussing things with him. it was strange — it was like something had changed. i just felt — me. and talking about my moxy vs insecurities. it was just normal.
i’ve been striving for normalcy for the last few years. a few days ago, i went to Jeff’s website and found that i was a tad green with jealousy. newly married, new loft in downtown Pittsburgh. i don’t know — i just felt sick that i didn’t have that. it’s like a part of me won’t allow that to happen. and i don’t know why. well, yesh i do know why. I know precisely why.
i can trace it all back to specific events in my life of why i am the way i am. i can explain it so clear. maybe you should work on it — i keep hearing that. but damnit. it’s like, mike is so totally the guy that i would love dating on a daily basis (well you know what i mean). not textual. just — you know beers somewhere. a movie. hiking somewhere. where i can give him a kiss on the cheek good night, shut the door and go sit on my bed for hours whispering to my teddy bear, telling him how great mike is.
real.
in your face.
i need that as bad as i need to be whipped sometimes. don’t get me wrong, i love my mind f00ks as much as the next sadist/masochist, but there is something about reality. smelling and breathing. and touching that is just so appealing. it just seems in the last five years i’ve meet guys i’ve liked on-line, we meet and it ends up somewhere has to move somewhere to date. and it’s not even that anymore. it’s like assumed we will automatically start living together. i wouldn’t give up that for anything — it’s experience, i want to be able to say i’ve done it, but the last time i was on an actual “date” was with danny back in 96.
and that makes me sad.
i get so disgusted with the pick of men in SF — hell — i know totally part of it is my attitude since i’ve gotten here — how i feel like it’s tainted and sullied with bad memories. that things shouldn’t be the way they are — that my dreams got dashed by things that i couldn’t control.
now, don’t get me wrong, geeking out is great. it’s fun. i love being online, but there is so much more to me than just what you see here, in this medium. it’s like the whole email disaster — people email me, but i don’t think they really want to know “me” — cos i might say or do something that will totally disrupt them and any illusion they have of me. and that annoys me. or they think I’m so fscking cool. cool about what? I’m just me damnit! That’s all I have ever wanted to be — was me.
Jaffo once told me I was the most complicated woman he ever met. he’s a net.legend, this must be true. he has this thing for grapefruit — Lisa get back on track!
yesh ma’am!
i just think that maybe, I’m growing up. things defiently don’t seem like they used to be when i was younger. things seem more clear — or — just more focused. and that feels like a lie, partly because well, I’m feeling vulnerable right now. and it seemed like a good thing to say.
it’s 5:31 am. Justin is up and told me i was beautiful. i keep staring at the picture to your left — and i can’t believe that’s me. that’s just one of me’s. so it’s been said.
I’ll leave you from a few words from my boy Greg Dulli:
When We Two Parted
baby, i see you’ve made yourself all sick again
didn’t i do a good job of pretending?
You’re saying that the victim doesn’t want it to end
Good. I get to dress up and play the assassin again.
It’s my favorite.
It’s got personality.
I should have seen this shit coming down the hall.
Every night I spent in that bed
with you facing the wall
If I could have only once heard you scream
To feel you were alive instead of watching you abandoning yourself
baby, you can open your eyes now
And please allow me to present you with a clue,br>
If i inflict the pain then baby only I can comfort you
Out of the night we come into the night we go
If it starts to hurt you then you have to say so.

finis
x0x0x0x0x0x,
moi

Countdown

My birthday is in 6 days.
I turn the ripe old age of 27.
beauty is only skindeep
this is a crock of shit.
When Justin and I were dating, we would constantly get into big arguments because his style of dress was anything that was clean: ratty old tshirts and crotchless shorts. When we would go out, it was a long never ending argument that I wanted him to DO SOMETHING with himself. And he would, eventually, begrudgingly put on a pair of dress shorts and decent shirt. and by this time, after i had primped and gotten beautified, i was pissed.
Justin and I spent so much time arguing about this. I couldn’t make him understand that part of having confidence was just the fact that you feel that you look your best. His argument was that if I loved him, I would love him regardless of what he wore. And i wanted that to be true, but lets face it, I’m a snobby bitch. I want someone who looks good, at least in my eyes. I want someone that when I look at, I want to pounce. I want someone who /cares/ about how they look. i tried, really, really hard to not make this an issue, but I couldn’t help it. I felt guilty because it felt like i was being shallow — but when i talked to other people about this little problem, they assured me I wasn’t. Part of feeling good about yourself is how you dress and thus how you present yourself to the world. I’ve always made the correlation that on days when I’m feeling less than good about myself, it’s mainly having to do with how i look. Now honestly, no ones other opinions do matter other than your own — and this was justins biggest argument to me. That if he was comfortable and felt comfortable with himself, why was I making a big deal? The problem was that I knew (because he told me often enough) that he wasn’t comfortable with himself. He would bitch about the weight he gained and then go eat. Or lie on the couch. His lack of motivation, passion and drive drove me nuts. (Intoxicated by your aggression, I offer you my one possession). The arguments would subside and sooner or later would start all over again. This is one of the reasons why I never wanted to do anything with him: he didn’t feel the need to put on anything other than this icky orange t-shirt that was nearly a rag and icky shorts. I would spend the time getting beautiful and I felt like I was going out with my brother. Hell, even my brother had style. He loves Nautica. He takes somewhat good care of himself. He has pride in how he looks.
And i don’t want to hear about how being prideful is sinful or whatever lame argument that is presented. Cos you know what bub? No one is gonna give a shit but yourself. It’s true. Only you and you alone can make the changes and become what you are.
okay, i diverting from the subject.
back on track lisa! whip!
and so it’s much later.
today consisted of me bolstering peoples ego, helping friends out and sitting on my fat ass all damn day. justin and i had gotten into a huge argument earlier this afternoon because i had wanted him to help around the house. many may remember months ago when i had spoken of this very same subject: the plan was devised of a chart of which days on who does chores. This helped out for awhile and then we broke up and we both slide down the hill. For awhile I hadn’t cared much because the house wasn’t falling into the pit of despair it once was — but looking back now i realize i just accepted it for what it was. But I’m fucking annoyed with it. I’m tired of picking things up. So i attempted to rouse Justin’s ass off the couch and he picked a fight with me. And we were arguing in the bathroom and he backed me up against the wall and yelling at me — and i told him he was scaring me. he knows not to yell at me and he commented “don’t worry, I’m not gonna hurt you” — and even if it WERE true — I just felt so damn defenseless standing there.
living with men suck.
i had this long diatribe in my head about beauty and how we appreciate it and i find that now that the day is gone, so am i.
for your amusement however, you may download one of the following:
new pics of me
cartoon pron
x0x0x0x
moi

Happy Birthday

Today would have marked my Grandfather John’s 87th birthday. He died a few days before Christmas in 1996. My relationship with my grandfather can be found in the piece D3buck’s S0d Farm and Gift Shop.
Speaking of D3buck’s Sod Farm and Gift Shop, last summer i received a whacked out email from a woman who claimed to be a representative of the D3buck family. As in the same family who ran the “actually” Debuck’s Sod Farm (yesh it does exist). She claimed the family thought their granddaughter had written the piece and that they had received a copy of the piece via fax from some consumer who had found it on the net. In the name of Jesus, she wanted me to remove it. I forwarded the email to Jericho and he ripped the woman to shreds.
some people have all the luck.
if only i could hear you scream
okay. first off, like the new design? 🙂 Mike from ihatemike.com did it for me as a pre-birthday gift type thingy. I’m totally loving the way this came out. go email him and tell him how much he rocks. 🙂 He doesn’t believe it.
fountain and fairfax
so much running through my head. haven’t heard back from any of the schools as of yet. i can’t make a decision on what i want to do. i can’t decide where i want to go. people are pushing me a million different ways. i don’t know what’s going to make me happy — o better what what goals will need to be done to get to that point.
i feel so shallow.
all i can think of is damn Afghan Whigs lyrics and the fact I’m getting my hair done tomorrow.
hopefully tomorrow i will have something more profound.
“think I’m proud of this, then the shame you never lose”
this must be what jail is like.
someone stop me!

404 Not Found

From Greg: “OK, either you’re being subtle, or you have a bad link. Either way, you have to admit that the answer to “what do you want” being “Not Found” is kinda funny in a Janeane Garofalo-ish web-savvy kind of way. :)”
Uh, well, I went to upload the file what i want and my connection died last night. I dialed into three ISPs and I couldn’t route for the life of me. However, amusingly enough I could route in Linux. But the file is in winders. I’ll fix it tonight. 🙂
99% accurate
I’m not pregnant.
you are probably wondering “what?” but for the last few weeks, the only thing on my mind has been the fact that I “may” or “may not” be carrying another life within me. i was conscious of this as i sat drinking all day Sunday and i was conscious of this every time i lit up a cigarette and smoked.
but I’m jumping ahead.
As many of you who know me fairly intimately know that I haven’t been “right” with menstruation since, well, forever. I was one of those weird kids that got their period at the age of 8 (and had to deal with Mrs. Bruntrock (real name) calling me a liar and forcing my mother to come down to St. Josephs to verify my claims of having to change my damn pad) and got it again at the tender age of 13. I was regular for like a minute and then I stopped getting it. I got examined at the age of 15 where the doctor proclaimed I “may” or “may not” have juvenile endometriosis. he suggested however that i start taking the pill to regulate my periods and take things from there on in.
i think i was the only virgin who has ever been on the pill.
this worked well on and off for the last 11 years, but there has been times where the choice between getting my prescription refilled and eating and eating came out to be a winner.
when i moved to SF, I had my doctor write out a prescription for me for a years worth and diligently took the pill with no problems, however my prescription ran out last July and I haven’t been back to get it refilled since.
In the interim, I was sleeping with Justin, who was by far the only person I was sleeping with, and we were double bagging condoms on top of the pill. When the prescription ran out, I didn’t really think anything about it and just kept screwing Justin and using those damn condoms but kicking myself internally for being too lazy to get the prescription refilled. there has never been any worry of me getting pregnant as we were taking extra caution since i went off the pill.
i haven’t had my period since January.
living with another alpha she bitch (ie: Cathleen) in the house has caused, when even on the pill, disruption in my cycle. Cathleen and i would joke about who was “large and in charge” based on who was forcing the other person to go with their others cycle. it was damn annoying. then i went off the pill. and I didn’t have my period for a few months and then i got cramps from hell and got it in December and January. and i took out my Dilbert planner and marked the days so that i could finally start tracking my period to see who really was large and in charge.
for months I would get “symptoms” that i was all too familiar with: some cramping, craving of chocolate/salt for a day or so. moodiness. and then Cathleen would tell me that she just finished her cycle and it suddenly make sense. so I started jotting down my moods and they completely corresponded with when she was on her cycle.
but no blood.
I kept telling myself that it was just my fucked up body doing it’s thing, but then march turned into April turned into may turned into June.
and then I started feeling “funny”.
Ever since James went back to England a week or so back, my stomach has been acting weird. a combination of cramps and acid and major gas. i felt like someone had shoved an air pump up my butt and just filled me with 10lbs of air. my stomach hurt, i couldn’t drink anything more than milk and sometimes even that was too hard. and i couldn’t take it anymore. i hadn’t told anyone what had been going on. i was in complete denial about what was going on. and when James and I talked about it the other day, found out that both of us were having the exact same symptoms for the exact same of time (since he left). and if i was “maybe” pregnant, did that mean james was too?
so i told Justin what i was feeling.
and he said “you’re not pregnant” and i asked him how did he know? and he said that he had been through this with his ex and he did research on getting pregnant and turns out it’s harder than it seems. yeah sure, i mean if you have real respect for your body, you’ll always use protection, but even so, he kept telling me that there was like a zillion and one chance that i was pregnant (go back to the: ALWAYS using protection and double bagging at that). He said he wasn’t worried. I was worried. I kept talking about going and buying a pregnancy test and never got around to it. I kept putting it off and putting it off. and i had gotten my horoscope on Saturday for Sunday and it said something like “the news you have to tell people will be taken with more sense then you have” or some shit and i freaked out. I had planned, on Sunday to go and get the test and interpreted THAT to mean that if I WAS pregnant that people would be cool with it. So i skipped out buying the test.
But i couldn’t deal with NOT knowing absolutely for sure.
So last night, after dropping Cat off at my house, I screwed up the nerve and drove to longs. I lit up a cigarette even though I knew that it was a 2 minute drive. I parked the car and walked right in with determination in my back and my head held high.
I was so scared.
I walked down the baby aisle and just stared at all that BABY crap and a million things went through my head about abortions and having kids and my friends who had all been done this path before me. i thought about my immaturity (i can’t even take care of a damn cat hello!) and the fact that if i ever got pregnant i wanted to be married or at least very much in love with someone.
and then i couldn’t find the damn tests.
i looked to my right and saw something that said “early testing”
But of course.
Pregnancy tests are located next to the condoms. How silly of me not to have thought of that.
I grabbed the first package and read the instructions. It sounded simple enough and walked towards the cash register. I sat there, shoving the box underneath my armpit. I felt ashamed as i watched the people ahead of me buying Mt. Dew and their damn dr scholls foot deodorant. I stood there with my mind running in a million different directions. I twitched and put the box face down on the conveyor belt and started reading the Enquirer. I kept telling myself “there is ABSOLUTELY nothing to be ashamed of. No one is going to make fun of me for buying a pregnancy test.” But I couldn’t help swallowing hard as Tariq the counter guy asked me how i was doing as he examined the box a little more closely. I said fine thanks and kept my head held high and attempting not to look scared..
I drove home and read the instructions. Now all I had to do was wait to pee.
And I waited.
And I waited.
By the time i went to bed some 6 hours later (and drank enough water to kill a horse), i still couldn’t pee.
I went to bed after working out determined that regardless of what, i was taking the test the next morning even if it killed me.
as par usual, i woke up late.
I had the most delicious dream that I was dating Henry Rollins and had been screwing him in an apartment we shared. I heard the alarm go off and looked at the clock. i was determined to do this. i grabbed a plastic cub and went to the bathroom. ripped open both packages (two tests came in one package). dipped the sticks into the urine. jumped in the shower for five minutes (test takes 1-3 minutes), jumped back out. pulled the sticks out. looked that the information sheet. looked at the sticks. looked at the package. looked back at the sticks.
went out and said “hey Justin!”
got a muffled “wha?” from under the covers.
“I’m not pregnant.”
a “woohoo!” comes through loud and clear. then a “i told you so.”
As to be expected, i can’t but help feeling a tad bit disappointed. i had it all in my head that if i was pregnant i was going to have an abortion. i wasn’t in love with Justin, i was single, i wasn’t making enough money, i wasn’t in love, i wasn’t married. a thousand different thoughts went through my head of the reason “why” i wouldn’t have a child right now. but as i grow older, I’ve noticed that the more i look at some little girl with big brown eyes and dark hair and think “she could be mine”. and i can’t help feeling that all the promises i made in my head to a god i didn’t believe in were not only empty but somewhat full of some meaning. i start stressing out about how now that I’m getting older I’ll soon be too old to have kids.
the irony is that five years ago, i thought i was pregnant with Alan’s child (another “oh shit haven’t had my period in 5 months deal). and i had thought THEN there was no problems in my head with being young and having a baby. now five years later, i found that my expectations of what i want from life are completely different then they were then. i always thought i was strong then, but i was so immature. and i realize now that if i sat here and think about it, i could have handled having a little girl (or boy) NOW as I’m older than when i was young and stupid. maybe I’m not in the right situation right now, and i know there is a lot i want to do before i get married or live in sin again or whatever, but just thinking about the reasons then of wanting to have a child and now —
please god.
let me not turn into Ally McBeal.