Month: July 1999

trout fishing in america

les jared was an old friend of mine from college.
les and i formed an unlikely friendship while we were both working on the Collegiate, our college newspaper. We had so many things in common as well as both being whacked out by THE MAN.
Once we had left college, Les went on to work for GR Press (local rag) doing freelance work and I moved to SF. In the past, Les and I had both talked about moving to New York and settling in some walk-up flat in Greenwich Village and working our asses towards working for The Voice. This never occurred, obviously.
Les and I also had this very low-key sexual attraction going on. I found out later that he had this big crush on me — which I had not known about — but I had decided not to play against it as we were so close as friends. The really funny thing was that once I had found out I was leaving, I also found out that Les had met a girl. He told me all about her — she was just like me.
He was in love and I was happy for him and we promised to keep in touch — but I never heard from him again.
It’s been over two years now and looking back within the last year the wonderance of what happened to Les Jared has been bothering me. My impression was that he and the girly girl were moving in together and were talking about marriage. When I was last back in GR, I had asked my friend Adam to do some searching for me and see what’s going on. I gave Adam the information I had and Adam couldn’t find anything having to do with Les at all. I eventually gave up and figured this was another person who had gotten into the void.

a cool, dry place

is a movie that i rented tonight and could relate to on a very serious level. it’s a story of a young father whose wife has left him and their son. in one instance, the wife comes back and while the father is trying to get on with his life, re-asserts herself into his life. well, attempts to. and he looks at her and realizes that he still loves her after all this time and as they lay there, she looks up and starts crying. he asks her what is going on. and she says “I don’t think I’ve ever loved you.”
talk about some fucked up shit.

———-

since I’ve been back from mayumphis, I’ve been sulking around the house like it was nobodies business. i couldn’t figure out what was really wrong because everything seemed to have fallen into place. but i knew what was wrong.
you see, i fell in love. and my affections weren’t returned. pride asserted (and damnable logic) told me it wouldn’t have worked anyway. too many problems and not enough of anything. i knew my affections weren’t going to be returned but as it was once said, i was going to wrap them around my little finger and i had to assert myself regardless. i had to know one way or another. but, it wasn’t to be so.
as i lamented to a few friends about this turn of events, many people reminded me that i still had a large group of people who loved me and cherished me. and even larger group of people who worshipped me on various levels. i know that my own “stupid” actions (as i still see and will forever see) causes me to act in strange ways, sometimes it takes liquid courage to get it out.
part of the problem and what was bothering me is that I’ve been watching people’s relationship fall apart around me. platonic and intimate it didn’t matter, nothing was working out. and the weird thing is that those whom i thought were more emotionally fucked up than me had found solace in doing other things within themselves. finding themselves. getting themselves back on track.
i wasn’t quite sure how i was going to deal with all these emotions — i could (and have) rationalized on many levels about my own emotional state and noticed a few patterns about myself that would have predicted the outcome of the events. i however choose to ignore them and went on my merry little way anyway because i thought “this time was different” and it was. i have made, i hoped, a wonderful new friend and while i maybe too spicy for their mild sauce, friendships are nothing to sneeze at either.
in the interim, i’ve been watching a lot of movies and resorting to my old tricks that i do when i’m down — which causes me to do a lot of introspection about myself. many of the same issues that had been developed before hand were never really resolved — and in a way i had used this person to alleviate those pressures. but a lot of the ground work i made onto myself was done alone — and while they had pushed me to do those things — it was obviously me that did all the work. they may have nudged me in the right directions but it was me who did it all myself.
many people have said that someone who doesn’t fall in love with me is a doo-doo head (to put it nicely) but i can’t fault someone for not liking me in that way. pride has dictated too long ago that i could never ever want someone who doesn’t want me back — and i won’t break that rule now. while too many films have depicted the story of people figuring out later on that the person they never thought they should be with, they SHOULD be with and it was too late — reality begs to say that only happens in the movies. and i can accept that. really. i haven’t come this far in my life not have.
i know, honestly, that many of what i wanted and much that i want is projected upon each successful suitor. i do not take the time to learn but instead foster my own ideas on what that person should be and am sorely disappointed when they are not whom i think they are. i have long have had a habit of falling for people who do not share my own affections, and finding out later on that they end up marrying some female they have just met within 6 months of the ending of any romantic interest between us. i can count at least five different examples of this happening. i met a guy a year ago and during casual conversation he told me his stats were much higher: the girls he has dated have ended up marrying after him — ‘cept it’s been ALL the girls he’s dated even remotely seriously. he had me beat by a long shot. i’m glad, on some fucked levels, to see that it’s not just me.
one of the main reasons i haven’t written since i was in mayumphis and since i’ve been back is partly because too much is going on in my head to really sit down and write about it all. i wanted to put together something that wasn’t so embarrassing and so personal yet i knew not how to do it.
this is my life.
and it’s all about being on the web. i will forever be known as “the on-line diarist known as lisa”. i cannot not be this person. of anything i’ve learned within my 2.5 years in SF was mainly about projection and patterns and other fun stuff. emotionally i think i’m much more stable now then when i got here (though the level of psychodrama has increased “bad boys bad boys” not decreased).
but i still refuse to be afraid to not talk about how i feel. and i refuse to not write about it either. if you are involved with me in anyway — this is something you have to realize and this is something you have to recognize. i will not change this aspect of my life.
but i had to say this. i had to get it out so that it wouldn’t be rattling in my head because then i start thinking about it more so and analyzing it when i need to chill and let it go.
so it’s out.
i’m really really tired. ultra-slacking does wear on you. tomorrow will be the hot topic of where lisa is going to move to. stay tuned.
x0x0x0x
moi

cruisin’

So Lisa wants to drive around Memphis… Unlike most civilized societies,
our public transportation system combined with the vast area that the
city covers only leaves one option. Rental. But hey, she did it in
style! Got a white convertible Mustang! Yow! Hell I just wanted to go
driving in it! All we needed was a cell phone, some helicopters chasing us, and an army of dancing bikini girls, and we would had a rap video!
After work, we picked up my not so happy friend, Ron and headed towards the river (No, not to pour cement around Lisa’s feet and throw her in, but
to show her the pretty side of Memphis). We all walked around the edge of
Tom Lee park (obviously named after the famous “Men in
Black” actor, Tommy Lee Jones…not) and discussed property values and Cybil Shepard’s house. Nothing make you more thirsty than standing in 1000 degree weather, so we hopped in our fly G-mobile and sported off to my favorite watering hole and your too, I’m sure, T.J. Mulligans. Ah, Mulligans its been so long since the taste of their turkey and cheddar had passed my lips, and it was a good thing… Even if the waitress did want to kill me.
We sat. We talked. We all bonded. It was a beautiful budweiser moment. But
soon we all got tired of sitting and the crappy folk singer started to
play, so we hit the streets in the fly mobile again. Drove past Joe’s Cool
Sign (A neon masterpiece that alone should raise the tourist rate here
in Memphis), and dropped Ron off home to his den of a thousand cats. We
thought we could impress Lisa with the massive girth of Lebowski the
hideously obese kitty, but she was not phased. Oh well. After that, my sauntery southern self was ready for a nice 8-24 hour nap, but Lisa seems to be running on nuclear power, so I took her to one of my favorite bookstore’s in Memphis, Bookstar (Yeah, I know its a chain, but they are pretty cool… I mean the idea of turning old movie theaters into bookstores is brilliant). She bought Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil. I had seen the movie, so I didn’t. She tried to explain the difference between Linux and Unix and why I should learn PERL but most of what she said could not register in my primitive artboy brain. The iced mocha was good though.
Came home and argued about who gets the couch and who gets the bed. Never met someone who actually WANTED to sleep on the couch before… Fine by me.. It’s your back, bub.
I’m not for sure exactly, but I think she may have had a party while I was
asleep. A girl gets pretty popular with a car like that!
Yours Truly,
Darth Mike



Wanna know the real version of the story?

	


	





	

		
		
hostile takeover
	


	
	
	

		
There are those who may think that there were ulterior motives behind Lisa’s visit to this here bluff city. Well yer right! It is all part of my elaborate scheme to become famous by taking over everybody else’s website! Yeah sure, I had to trade my daily journal, but nobody ever reads that thing… This is where its at, and Miketron2000 industries is ALL about taking over the world… one website at a time.

Anyways, so far… so good. She hasn’t killed me yet (that’s always a good thing). For those of you who only know of Lisa through this fine website, then I’m one up on ya! HA! Actually, she’s quite nice. Aside from the constant drug use, vandalism, and animal torture, she’s pretty easy going. I didn’t appreciate when she threw my television set into the pool, but its my own fault for not securing it properly, right?

I don’t write as much as Lisa (mainly because I am not a writer), so these here bits probably won’t be as full of the insight and glamour that many are used to… but man can I talk about my cat! Did you know that when I found him he had a hole in his head! Sure nuff, Bob’s yer uncle!

This is my first time meeting a pal over the internet, and its strangely fascinating. Here is a person I have never met in real life yet feel like I am darn good friends with. If there is anything I have learned in the past year, its that one cannot have too many friends, even if you don’t think so at certain times… Good friends are the reason I am still around today. In the past year I have gone from taking my friends for granted to really understanding what a valuable purpose the serve in the grand scheme of things. That may be the reason I overextend myself these days trying to accommodate the few that I have (although I am sure Jason Alexander would dispute that claim of accommodation).

So, there is much time and much stuff to do… These next two weeks will be quite busy for me. Lisa wants to check out the University (one of the reasons, she came y’know), everybody MUST see downtown Memphis when they come here… as well as the hippie charm of Midtown. We’ve already been to Chili’s and gone swimming, so we are just going down the list at this point. Y’know, crack houses gun shows, that sort of thing.

So, that’s about the long and short of it right now… More news as it comes to me.

Yours Truly,

Miklos Nortonski..er I mean, Mike




Wanna know the real version of the story?

	


	





	

		
		
memphis or bust
	


	
	
	

		
in a little over (or under depending on the time frame your looking at here) 6 hours, my ass will be leaving this house to head for the airport. in a little over 8 hours, i’ll be on my merry little way heading to Memphis.

i’ve been getting a lot of flack from friends about packing — basically why do i wait till the last minute? really — i’ve never thought about being so advanced in getting it done.


———-


it’s currently 4am in the morning and i just woke up. my roommate cathleen has informed that her bf Charlie (whose also another roommate) is out jogging and that cawfee is good to go. i just have to flip the pot on to make.

i’m sitting here freezing. i’m contemplating bringing a cardigan with me, knowing once i hit Memphis I’m gonna be sweating my balls off. oh well, who the hell cares. i just woke up. at least i slept. aren’t you proud of me Mike? Now I will be not so dead when I land in Memphis. We are going drinking tonight. He’s Irish, I’m German-Scotch — we will at least have alcohol in common.

for some reason i’m feeling strangely pessimistic. i’m all packed and all i have left is to take a shower and leave. i wish i could say i was worried about meeting him, but strangely i’m not. it just is. i can’t figure out if this is a good thing or a bad thing.

but i’m nervous. 🙂

people are giving me shit about going. talking about how i’m gonna fall in love with mike or he’s gonna fall in love with me. i don’t know why you people be tripping. i haven’t met the guy yet and some people have my wedding all planned out down to bridal gowns. thanks. i appreciate that.

i’m anxious.

and i’m getting grumpy.

i need more cawfee.

i’ll see you all — when i get to Memphis.

x0x0x0x0x

moi

———-

the lisa chronicles icq skin

it’s all the rage

	


	





	

		
		
miss american pie
	


	
	
	

		
when i was a kid growing up in Port Huron, Michigan; I loved summer. I loved waking up and walking outside of my house and seeing the grass shimmer with morning dew. i would hear the birds chirping in the trees and i would sit on the front porch during the day reading or sit on the back porch at night writing underneath the stars. my whole day would be planned around events such as riding my bike down to the lake and sitting in one of the little coves near the entrance between the lake and river. i would sit there sucking on freez-e’s while writing in my journal. i was 11 years old.

there is something about summertime in the Midwest that no one can touch.

i haven’t figured out what it is about it, but i keep noticing that certain things will strike me as being very Midwestern and i would get homesick pretty quickly. but i get homesick quite often…

this past Friday, i had to drive to Fresno California, which is located about 3 hours east of Oakland. Fresno is in the valley and considered to be away from anything/everything that is a happening. last time i was there, i mocked the fact that the biggest days for them was Rodeo Days and that the radios stations played Color Me Badd’s “I Wanna Sex You Up” as a “hot” hit. That even though there was a major university in the town, it still sucked ass. it is hickville. completely and totally. it was not as bad as grand rapids, but it had that dull feel to it and a Midwest smell to it. and i fell in love.

i would go outside for a few minutes and enjoy the HEAT and smell the fresh air. things seemed so different there. i couldn’t put my finger on it and i can’t even begin to describe it. i remember sitting on the porch at our facilities in Fresno and looking around and everything seemed so lush and green. the grass seemed touchable and soft. like i could slip off my shoes and walk around barefoot for a few hours and or lie down and sleep. everything felt alive.

i hate san francisco.

ever since i’ve been here, people have told me time and time again how i fit into the culture here. how i fit the stereotype of a 20 something year old geek. but SF bores me. the few local events i’ve been too didn’t titillate or scintillate me — they bored me. i just feel that we’ve lost all contact with being human in our quest for mechanical perfection.

they have also said that there is something about that i needed to do here: find myself? come to terms with myself? find peace in myself? i don’t know – all i do know is that i left Fresno Friday pretty freaking happy. I was in love. I drove down the highways yelling and screaming and shaking my booty to the music out pounding out of my car stereo. and the closer i got to Oakland, the more tense i got, the more bitter i felt.

i drove past Livermore and started screaming and yelling because I saw a DRIVE IN movie theater actually showing a movie. I haven’t seen one of those since I was a kid.

i realize whatever i needed to do here — i’ve done. it’s time for me to go now. the penance (as only the way i see it) is over with. i’ve paid my fucking dues. no one can understand the hatred i have for this place — but i can see it. there is nothing for me here in SF. I’ve always known this since I had moved out here 2 years ago and everyone keep telling me that I was wrong. My own anger and paranoia — I know that SF is wrong for me. I felt “me” when i was out in Fresno and when i was back home in GR this past winter.

One of the things I’ve been thinking about as of late is when I go to Memphis on Wednesday. Mike and I have been talking about different things we are going to be doing the week that i’m there. the problem is that from his description and my own research, Memphis sounds very lovable. meaning that it’s not as high strung as SF and not as lame as GR. It’s the perfect combination (thus far) of both climates. (and NO this is not some metaphor about falling in luv with Mike — geez). Memphis, in short, sounds perfect to me. I’m free and over 21. There is nothing holding me back or causing me to stay anywhere.

But I told Mike, that I was afraid. i was afraid of getting to Memphis and falling in love with it and having it all blow up in my face like Toronto did back in 1996. I couldn’t deal with that again. And I certainly don’t want to be here.

So, we’ll see. I just haven’t been thinking about it much really. in fact — it’s odd that i think about it that neither mike nor myself bring it up except to say “neat — you’re gonna be here in a few days”. he, the big sweetie, went out and stocked up on trident sugarless gum, chocolate milk and bottled water 🙂 I am, so loved.

speaking of being loved, the last week has been strange. well at least as far as people go. i think i may have mentioned that i’ve been feeling like a bitch in heat and that i’m picking up on peoples smells. it’s horrid. i can smell everything and anything and since i’ve been smoke free (13 days now! woo!) it’s been heightened. First off, I’ve had like two complete sets of bi-poly-girls hit on me. both of them are unix chyks/mac whores who live with their BFs. it wouldn’t be so strange if it were not true. and both of them are adorable! then there is Justin — he says that my secret to getting people hit on me is my own pheromones which have been rather strong recently. i thought he meant that uh, well, heh, that certain areas were rather fragrant this time and he said no — but that i just have this smell of deliciousness. whatever it is, i’ve been getting hit on, stared at and adored left and right. it’s flattering and it makes me feel beautiful.

I get sad though because even though I would love to have one person as my very own teddy bear — sometimes it feels like i do more good for the masses. whatever that means.

speaking of flattering, someone made icq skins of yours truly.

here is one shot.

there is another shot.




something purty

x0x0x0x0x,

moi

	


	





	

		
		
i’m in the mood
	


	
	
	

		
goddamn pheromones.

for the last uh, week or so i’ve been walking around like a bitch in heat. it’s not anything in particular or anyone in particular it just IS. some people were kind of upset that i mentioned it and others took it to mean that this gave them permission to tell me their sex life. it’s neither — it just is. Alan once said when we were dating years ago, that he would hate to see me in my prime as i would probably rip my bf to shreds sexually with my aggressiveness. i think he meant himself. who would know that we would have broken up.

in a way, i like feeling this way. everything feels like liquid against my skin and everything has this slight blur to it. it’s like being on drugs when you aren’t. when bean came up, she smelled so good that i wanted to kiss her — but i never did. she emailed me back today telling me that she thought she should have made the first move. i’m sitting here looking at Justin like he’s a piece of meat. it would be so easy to have sex with him and i won’t: I don’t love him and it would not mean anything. masturbation just isn’t cutting it and i’m torturing myself by listening to the goo goo dolls slide — which is like what i’m so loving right now. AND THEN Mike sent me a new pic after getting his hair cut. drool i mean look at him! he’s damned cute! i don’t understand why he’s not dating anyone. if i were localized to him, I’d be all over him like white on rice! and that neck! my god! i just want to lick it like a lolly pop.

and NO i’m not going to shush.

I’m sick of being told to shush.

I don’t shush.

and it’s not even really about being horny it’s about being in love — this is how it feels to me — but i’m not in love with anyone! when i’m in love, i want to touch, feel and taste everything. i want to swallow and be engulfed. this is how i feel. i can’t even concentrate because mike’s damned neck is diverting my attention and i can’t concentrate.

more later.

missing someone i don’t even know

	


	





	

		
		
girls who wear glasses
	


	
	
	

		
when i was 8 years and in the third grade, i was friends with Audrey and Valerie Ricebeck, who were fraternal twins. Val, Aud and I were like the three stooges: we were never somewhere without the others. While, like most twins, they were as different as night and day, it was strictly because of this that we three got along so well.

as best friends generally go, when one of them got something, the other two of us wanted it.

so when Val got glasses (or maybe it was Audrey — this was nearly 20 years ago — so i don’t quite remember), I had to have them to.

i faked not being able to see the blackboard, forcing my mom to take me to the eye doctors. turned out that i really did need glasses and was given a dorky pair from there on in.

later that year, Aud and Val moved to Ohio and i never heard from them again.

since that time, i’ve always grown up with an absolute hatred for glasses. my aunts tried to make me feel better about it by having gold lettered initials put in the corners (it was all the rage in the late ’70s), getting glasses that auto-darkened to the sun and basically anything that would make my life “easier”.

i never saw this to be so, though, really. you see, i was always convinced that NO ONE would touch me with glasses on. my lack of popularity or what have you was because i wore glasses. so when i started 8th grade, i begged and pleaded for contacts and eventually got them. then Nick Hill thought i was cute and we started dating as far as being in 8th grade goes and dating goes. he was the first boy i had ever kissed. later he dumped me before our “senior” trip to Cedar Point because i wouldn’t have sex with him while my best friend would. He also moved to Ohio later on that year — but that is another story.

it’s been over 14 years since that time — and granted the girl of 1985 is not the same girl in 1999 (though recently, i’ve been wondering if she and i were not the same now). and for a good chunk of that period, a very select few has ever seen me in my glasses.

i’ve worked really hard to live without them.

oh yesh, i’m blind as a bat, but i will not or would not out of sheer vanity wear my glasses. i hated them. i absolutely hated them. the frames were too big, it was this or it was that. while i made sure i went to the doctors every year or so to check my prescription, i would never get new glasses. i’ve always associated glasses with being fat and unattractive and thusly i just couldn’t see myself wearing them on a daily basis. i had brain washed myself to thinking that no one would EVER EVER want me in my glasses.

then justin came into my life and things started to change.

if i wore glasses around the house, Justin could not keep his hands off of me.

I always joked that since he loved me, he would take me regardless of what i was wearing. his argument was no, that something about how i looked in glasses (even the piece o crap ones that i owned) did “something” to him.

the pair that i had were over 10 years old, the frames were beaten, the ovals were WAY too big for my face. i only wore them when i ABSOLUTELY had to. i used to joke that you knew when i really liked you when i felt comfortable enough showing you my glasses. some people would say their insecurities would be about getting naked — with me it as about wearing glasses.

then earlier this year, i finally had enough money to spend on getting glasses AND contacts. i checked around found a place having a 2 for 1 frame sale. scheduled the appointment and viola! I walked out with 6 months worth of disposable contacts, one pair of funky frames and one pair of wireless frames.

I fell in love with my new glasses.

i would put them on when i was at home and just stare at myself. i couldn’t get or understand why glasses made me feel so, good, but these pairs did. both pairs both fit my personality and my facial features. i didn’t look fat or unattractive or trashy as i had brain washed myself to be: i looked CUTE.

but as they say, old habits die hard.

yesterday morning bean and i were playing around with my quickcam when she just adored me in my glasses. pawly saw the pictures and wrote to me nearly poetic verses about me and glasses — he intoned that i could go from “hot lil vixenous sloot to intelligent looking strong woman” in a matter of seconds with glasses on — and the irony was that every male i spoke to that day echoed the same thing!

something about girls in glassess…

i don’t get it — really.

mike said it best: he implied that a woman who would wear her glasses had moxy and self-confidence — which was really quite attractive. well duh — i mean, that is what every says about me as it is in the first place. i got to thinking. I went into the bathroom, put on the black funky pair, slapped some lipstick on and threw a funky barrette in my hair. I looked and looked.

This wasn’t the lisa i knew and adored usually — this was someone different. this was someone, in a way, i always wanted to be.

you see, for many years, people have always assumed that because i was tattooed and pierced that i would want to meet and date tattooed and pierced freaks as well. this is NOT always the case — i’ve always felt like my tastes were eclectic. while i had some common “lisa-isms” about men (tall, cute, goatee), i found that i was attracted to geeky guys. the quiet ones in the corner. the misunderstood guys who had all this passion and verve. the quiet smoldering type. with a hint of ego on the side.

the only person i’ve ever dated that was a ‘freak’ in piecing and tattooing was danny and he didn’t start his road to freak behavior till AFTER we broke up the first time around. Now he makes me look all dainty and pure with as much ink and metal he has in his body. but see, that ink and metal he has in his body makes him look really beautiful to me.

and it would ALWAYS piss me the fuck off when I would be with friends and if they knew or see some guy who had a zillion pieces of metal hanging out of his body, blue hair and wore leather like there is no tomorrow: they would ALWAYS assume that i would want to date this person. it just irritated the hell out of me.

my own reasoning for piercing and tattooing is pretty simple: i find it attractive on me. lisa without pierced nipples just don’t make sense. the tongue thing i keep waffling on (it’s in for now) — but the nipples are so me.

see, people always assume a lot of things about me: and a lot of it has to do with the impressions they get from my website or if they’ve met me in a face to face encounter. some just assume that i am this big outgoing freak and others assume that i’m this big emotional gangbusters or some even think that i can’t have any old fashioned ideas.

but see, that’s all true and not true.

growing up i was /really really/ shy. and in a lot of ways i combated that with being obnoxious and loud: just like my grandfather. i always had a smart mouth on me — and a lot of what my friends saw was that! but this didn’t mean that i never got scared or lonely or felt alone in any manner. nor did this mean that i have a hard time talking to people or feel awkward. but i make the best of it. i have a lot of gumption for a lot of things and in other areas i’m still socially retarded. like i’ve NEVER gone to a bar by myself. Ever. And up until a few weeks ago, I’ve never gone to a party or a movie alone. Those were two huge steps for me. I started hyperventilating — but I did it.

Me and glasses represent a lot of things in my head: and I can still see the very insecure, tall, too smart lisa (uh, i was always the only girl in my AP classes for a long time) who would have killed to be a dingbat if it meant that she would get a freaking date.

it’s funny.

in a lot of ways, sitting here writing this, i’ve realized that while a lot of what i’ve written may seem convoluted, there is a story here and an important one at that. i’m 27 now and i’ve realized that for the first time in a very long time, i really and i mean REALLY like who i am. while things like quitting smoking, working on my book or wearing glasses aren’t really true answers, they are paths that lead to idea of what i wanted. the problem has always been that my own representation of myself has never been as well clarified as i had always hoped it was. i always got so angry when people would just ASSUME that i was one thing when i always saw myself as being another and the wonder why there was always so many misconceptions of me.

i know it goes back to some of the original ideas i had when i was younger, that if someone really liked me (in any sense) that they would get the time to know me on a more intimate level. if they didn’t take that time or energy to invest in me — is this someone i really want in my life?

i’ve spent nearly 14 years shadowboxing the world. and i know it is because of this that people find me “amusing” because f the paradox i seemingly create. all sides are equal but they don’t match up.

i don’t think i’ll ever stop protecting myself from being hurt. likewise i don’t think i’ll stop putting people through tests but i know it’s that wearing glasses and getting pierced are really saying: if you like me, like me for my mind NOT because of what i look like or how many holes i have in my body (this is not discounting physical attractiveness — because i can be fairly shallow — but you know what i mean).

i know this is why i’ll always luv my pawly, because he gets me in a lot of root base desires that others don’t. and my danny for seeing a lot of the sides that i have and still caring about me regardless. and justin for initially setting me on the path. for shelly whose known me longer than anyone else. for bean for making me laugh and being geeky with me. and cartoon boy, who always asked the right questions and got me thinking about stuff and thinking that maybe someone would like me for being real.

a lot of who i am has everything to do with who you guys are.

i seemingly reflect the best that you all are.

i love you guys.




on that note, i’m taking off for Fresno for the day. I have to go do some “work” or something. I don’t know when i’ll be back. i have a lot of stuff to catch up on and then i take off for Memphis on Wednesday. 🙂 i may or may not update the chronicle until i get there — so be forewarned.

my favorite holiday is Halloween.

because everyday is like Halloween.

x0x0x0x0x,

moi a la mode