size does matter

in the whole spirit of this whole spring cleaning ideal, i decided to wear the new Victoria Secret bra/pantie/tshirt combo that i had purchased yesterday to work. And along with this, i decided to wear the new velvet maryjanes i had bought (with paul and derrick glaring at me and jen at the shoe store when i had ran my credit card through with a sly grin). i was thinking about this today as i schelpped around in my new shoes, which were 1/2 a size too big and making my feet hurt. i kept getting these funny looks from people as i walked because due to the humidity, my feet were making squishy sounds in the shoes with every step i took. after a few trips up and down to the smoking area and making general pit stops to the bathroom, my feet literally began to feel like small boats.
for some reason this reminded me of my aunt jackie — who loved to initialize everything she owned. i remember when i was about 6 or 7 (and of course being the favorite niece), that for some occasion she had taken me down to People’s Jewelers (high falutin in Port Huron Michigan, right across the street from the chic Winklemans) to get me a gold initial ring. The ring was a size 7 1/4, and I remember that we made it such a special day to go get this stupid ring. I don’t remember how much it cost, but I do remember it being 14kt gold and that she had it made for my ring finger. in a small oval had my simple initials “lmr”.
i was thinking about this today as i shuffled around work. My shoes were a size 11 and I’m more like a true 10.5 (which you can never find — so i opt for one larger size). I’ve been “tall” as long as I can remember. I remember being measured at 5’10” in the 8th grade and wearing size 10 shoes in the fourth. I can’t remember a time that I wasn’t tall, didn’t have big feet and fat fingers.
And I found it just odd, that here I am, barreling down towards 30, and I still wear the same size shoes and my ring finger is now an 8, when I was 7 it was 7 1/4. That while I’ve held down my own image of still being young, in many ways, i’m still 7 looking at the pretty ring on my finger.

spring cleaning

well, hi.
as you have probably figured out, you have been re directed to a new domain. a few days ago, i had sent out a chronicle to the mailing list only that talked about how i was feeling — primarily with having the domain oh sure, there is nothing aesthetically WRONG with the domain, but after having it for nearly two years and being known as this name for longer, there were just too many bad feelings going on with it. this isn’t a new thought (i had mentioned it before for months) but it was time to do something about it.
i was trepidations about getting another domain. i already own 6 previous to this and other than, nothing else was actually being used (half-hearted projects i had come up with and stuff i had thought about doing), so those domains were just sitting there. my friend dayan and paul both suggested that i use, but that didn’t seem to jibe either.
i really, really wanted
why you ask?
because back in my early 20s, i had bitched to my shrinks that i only seemingly had two redeeming qualities: being incredible in bed AND being able to write. while i’m sure paul won’t let me run off to start making pronmovies (and we’ve been seriously talking about making our own to boot), something about the name pronstar just is so *me*. so to commemorate a new year, a new life, it was time for a new domain name.
in the spirit of cleaning, i’ve removed all dead files from the other domains ( org) and everything points here. Paul and I are going to be working on sometime this week (to celebrate our community we are seemingly founding) and we have also grabbed (which will be especially for northern Virginian geeks as we are now like the social coordinators of everything going on).
so what does all this change mean for you, the average viewer?
basically, nothing. if you are on the mailing list, nothing will change as the name of the journal is still called “the lisa chronicles”. And if you have come here by the redirect from, all you have to do is rebookmark the site. the only thing is that there are going to be broken links here tonight as i’ve been pretty impatient on getting this up — as you will see the design has stayed somewhat the same but the aesthetics have changed. i’m slowly going through broken links and through pictures and finally getting everything straightened out. hopefully during downtime within the following week, there will be very little site maintenance to do other than daily updates.


i finally found a good reason why i haven’t written!
12.28.99: video driver corrupts and my computer barely dies. takes nearly a week to find a working 98 cd-rom in which i can reformat and reinstall the damn os and get everything working again. thank goodness for multiple computers, not so great when one of them is a 486 laptop and a quardra 68040 computer. Needless to say, the main machine is fixed.
1.25.00: I get an email from my friend Jenni who declares “must be some damn good dick to keep you away from the puter”. all i have to say is: 🙂
1.30.00: after not receiving email as often per day as i should for about a week, i get an email (well two) from two separate people who do two separate things for me (one, bryan hosts and the other jericho does some mailing lists i ‘m on. Turns out that someone who was also hosted at dreamhost has been using their box for spamming and thusly, the ip that my domain is sitting on is being RBLd.
my friend dan has a particular entry that is fantastic. while the internet world continues to evolve from something resembling a romper room, you can be sure it’s men like him that make a girls knees go weak.
just go read the damn entry.


okay, i was just reading my friend dayan’s diary and seeing that he had updated his diary (without posting it to his LIST! *smacksmacksmack*) and his color scheme, which reminded me (as i’m amidst of doing bills and yes it’s 3am in the morning) that one of the main reason why i haven’t written is:
I’m bored with
I’ve been writing down actually stuff with what i wanted to do my entries on, and actually a lot has been going on worth mentioning and i’ve even taken my new spankin’ laptop to work so that I could write during down time (ahahah!) but the thing is that i’m bored with the way the site is looking and while initially i loved it, it’s been nearly the same now for a year (and the lisa chronicles is coming up on its 2 year anniversary in july — gasp!). i actually had redone the site about a month ago (while i was in the middle of my great depression) but hadn’t updated it because i decided it was way too complicated to do so. i actually downloaded flash4 cos i wanted something snazzy to do with my site but haven’t had the time until recently to start playing with it (not that I have created anything mind you — just that i have it).
we’ve been bursting with people at das geek-haus and it wasn’t until a few days ago that paul and i finally had time alone — and then it’s like i don’t want to write but be with him.
i’m feeling very gushy and in love at the moment, excuse me. 🙂
anyways, i wanted something that is done by web — so that i can stick this doing things manually up the ass — and the idea of doing it list only comes to mind (nothing to update and it’s all publicly archived on the mailing list site as it is), but there is also a feeling of those who don’t like mailing lists and etc.
so i’m in a bind and i haven’t decided what to do as of yet.
i don’t think we have any plans this weekend other than for paul to hack DVD for linux and me to seriously clean the house (i’m trying to figure who is blind enough to miss the toilet in the second bathroom as there is urine stains on the floor). so i’m making it a priority to do so this weekend.

um. yep.

i’m trying to think of a good excuse as to why i haven’t written in over a month.
none are forthcoming.
actually, everything everyone said would happen would: i handled things way too well. the move cross country, moving to a state i’ve never even BEEN before, starting a new job, getting an apartment, living with Paul. it all came crashing down in an instant.
at first everything seemed perfect when Paul moved in. NYE was a blast, got so drunk I have no idea what happened that night (except Paul tells me that I kept begging for sex in front of everyone all night and then finally passed out around 2am). work schedules, Paul ‘s job at thinkgeeks, the list goes on.
then it started slowly started falling apart. I don’t know what was going on exactly, that except Paul and i just found ourselves sniping at each other for no reason — and every reason. then it came out that we were going to NYC for LWE 2K. It was like one problem after another to get ready for this show. First it was *I* had no place to stay (andover (parent company to thinkgeek) had already gotten Paul’s rooms with a roommate), then i found a place to stay, then i didn’t know if i could go (was going to use all my vacation time and then found out UUNet was now allowing employees to go to cons on company time), then it was how to get there (i had opted for the train, Paul wanted to drive, guess who won?) and finally when i drove up in front of the Fitzpatrick Manhattan on Lexington Ave in NYC, i just started bawling. That got cured with a major gossip session with Kethryvis and rynsey. God, I had not realised how much i missed having “girl friends” (not special friends) around. you know, girl chat. Paul is wonderful, but it’s not like having girl time where we can dish about everything in general for hours at a time.
But the strange thing, and i’m not sure what happened, is that since we’ve been back home (after driving in a near blizzard via NJ and getting lost in DC) is that things have been better. being away from each other maybe? i don’t know. i do know, with long in-depth talks with keth every nights, things felt better between us. maybe because we had time to be away from each other? i thought i could find a reason, but i can’t. i just know that now that we are back suddenly things feel more relaxed. okay, our fish digital died, BUT OTHER THAN THAT, everything is falling into place. Paul has been chirping for the last few days because he feels he finally got the respect due to him (at his age, it’s hard to gain respect for his work because no one believes he is *only* 19 (yesh, the song “Mrs. Robinson” is played in our household) and that he’s come a long way baby). now i’m his good luck charm and *I* feel like it’s more me now.
i’ve been sitting here for the last few hours tonight, thinking about stuff in general, just wondering where my life is going , and the last month, the one thing I’ve realised is that how often i let depression (and panic attacks and paranoia) run my life. and i know I’ve stressed that before. too many freaking times. i know, thinking about it now, that one of the reasons i’ve refused to write is that i didn’t want to divulge all the same crap over and over again. it just seemed — pathetic? is that an excuse? probably not. i have no idea. i’m letting thoughts wander around right now.
looking back over everything as objectively as i can (and having this same conversation with my friend Graham) and realizing that on my own part, I expected way too much way too soon. I never let things fall into place — i just have been running at this speed of wanting things to be “perfect” and finding that they weren’t what I had thought — and that was my mistake. All of my bitching of wanting things to “be” and i was too worried about being like my mother. which is scary. because i haven’t spoken to my mother in almost a year.
another thing i realised this past month was how much i miss not having a family. i could argue, and rightly so, that i never had a family (other than my beloved brother, Jeff). but it was like hearing all this stuff that Paul’s family does (scary they have been to Disney world more times than i could count on fingers and toes) as well as listening to other friends talk about their families and i have — nothing. Christmas sucked major ass (as well as was told by my five line dialogue i sent out) and i just feel so damn alone half the time. Paul keeps talking about how his family is my family (i’ve met his uncle and aunt already) and i’m meeting his mom, dad and brother and sister soon. along with grandparents. will the madness never end?
i’m hitting the sack.
it’s good to be back.