okay, i was just reading my friend dayan’s diary and seeing that he had updated his diary (without posting it to his LIST! *smacksmacksmack*) and his color scheme, which reminded me (as i’m amidst of doing bills and yes it’s 3am in the morning) that one of the main reason why i haven’t written is:

I’m bored with

I’ve been writing down actually stuff with what i wanted to do my entries on, and actually a lot has been going on worth mentioning and i’ve even taken my new spankin’ laptop to work so that I could write during down time (ahahah!) but the thing is that i’m bored with the way the site is looking and while initially i loved it, it’s been nearly the same now for a year (and the lisa chronicles is coming up on its 2 year anniversary in july — gasp!). i actually had redone the site about a month ago (while i was in the middle of my great depression) but hadn’t updated it because i decided it was way too complicated to do so. i actually downloaded flash4 cos i wanted something snazzy to do with my site but haven’t had the time until recently to start playing with it (not that I have created anything mind you — just that i have it).

we’ve been bursting with people at das geek-haus and it wasn’t until a few days ago that paul and i finally had time alone — and then it’s like i don’t want to write but be with him.

i’m feeling very gushy and in love at the moment, excuse me. 🙂

anyways, i wanted something that is done by web — so that i can stick this doing things manually up the ass — and the idea of doing it list only comes to mind (nothing to update and it’s all publicly archived on the mailing list site as it is), but there is also a feeling of those who don’t like mailing lists and etc.

so i’m in a bind and i haven’t decided what to do as of yet.

i don’t think we have any plans this weekend other than for paul to hack DVD for linux and me to seriously clean the house (i’m trying to figure who is blind enough to miss the toilet in the second bathroom as there is urine stains on the floor). so i’m making it a priority to do so this weekend.


um. yep.

i’m trying to think of a good excuse as to why i haven’t written in over a month.

none are forthcoming.

actually, everything everyone said would happen would: i handled things way too well. the move cross country, moving to a state i’ve never even BEEN before, starting a new job, getting an apartment, living with Paul. it all came crashing down in an instant.
at first everything seemed perfect when Paul moved in. NYE was a blast, got so drunk I have no idea what happened that night (except Paul tells me that I kept begging for sex in front of everyone all night and then finally passed out around 2am). work schedules, Paul ‘s job at thinkgeeks, the list goes on.

then it started slowly started falling apart. I don’t know what was going on exactly, that except Paul and i just found ourselves sniping at each other for no reason — and every reason. then it came out that we were going to NYC for LWE 2K. It was like one problem after another to get ready for this show. First it was *I* had no place to stay (andover (parent company to thinkgeek) had already gotten Paul’s rooms with a roommate), then i found a place to stay, then i didn’t know if i could go (was going to use all my vacation time and then found out UUNet was now allowing employees to go to cons on company time), then it was how to get there (i had opted for the train, Paul wanted to drive, guess who won?) and finally when i drove up in front of the Fitzpatrick Manhattan on Lexington Ave in NYC, i just started bawling. That got cured with a major gossip session with Kethryvis and rynsey. God, I had not realised how much i missed having “girl friends” (not special friends) around. you know, girl chat. Paul is wonderful, but it’s not like having girl time where we can dish about everything in general for hours at a time.

But the strange thing, and i’m not sure what happened, is that since we’ve been back home (after driving in a near blizzard via NJ and getting lost in DC) is that things have been better. being away from each other maybe? i don’t know. i do know, with long in-depth talks with keth every nights, things felt better between us. maybe because we had time to be away from each other? i thought i could find a reason, but i can’t. i just know that now that we are back suddenly things feel more relaxed. okay, our fish digital died, BUT OTHER THAN THAT, everything is falling into place. Paul has been chirping for the last few days because he feels he finally got the respect due to him (at his age, it’s hard to gain respect for his work because no one believes he is *only* 19 (yesh, the song “Mrs. Robinson” is played in our household) and that he’s come a long way baby). now i’m his good luck charm and *I* feel like it’s more me now.

i’ve been sitting here for the last few hours tonight, thinking about stuff in general, just wondering where my life is going , and the last month, the one thing I’ve realised is that how often i let depression (and panic attacks and paranoia) run my life. and i know I’ve stressed that before. too many freaking times. i know, thinking about it now, that one of the reasons i’ve refused to write is that i didn’t want to divulge all the same crap over and over again. it just seemed — pathetic? is that an excuse? probably not. i have no idea. i’m letting thoughts wander around right now.

looking back over everything as objectively as i can (and having this same conversation with my friend Graham) and realizing that on my own part, I expected way too much way too soon. I never let things fall into place — i just have been running at this speed of wanting things to be “perfect” and finding that they weren’t what I had thought — and that was my mistake. All of my bitching of wanting things to “be” and i was too worried about being like my mother. which is scary. because i haven’t spoken to my mother in almost a year.

another thing i realised this past month was how much i miss not having a family. i could argue, and rightly so, that i never had a family (other than my beloved brother, Jeff). but it was like hearing all this stuff that Paul’s family does (scary they have been to Disney world more times than i could count on fingers and toes) as well as listening to other friends talk about their families and i have — nothing. Christmas sucked major ass (as well as was told by my five line dialogue i sent out) and i just feel so damn alone half the time. Paul keeps talking about how his family is my family (i’ve met his uncle and aunt already) and i’m meeting his mom, dad and brother and sister soon. along with grandparents. will the madness never end?

i’m hitting the sack.

it’s good to be back.