you’ll notice a few things: new layout and new design. found some older writings that i had written some time ago on various subjects. you can check them out on the archive page, under “misc.”
ooka thought it would be cute if i was a coderbuff chick. tomorrow (or is it today?) i will be the featured coderbuff girl. check “Open Knightly” for the series.
i’ve also started a mailing list where the topic of discussion will be, me! of course, what else did you think we would talk about? sign up at egroups, sign up on the mailing list and email the list talking about: ME.
i’m fucking tired.
damn paxil.
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Month: June 2000
ranting: or why i’m getting annoyed with the whole “generation x” feel good books, websites, cutesy domain names and anything else i can think of
rynsey came over tonight to keep me busy while the boys were watching rasslin’. She and I walked around Safeway and two bookstores gossiping about people magazine (where are they now? issue), thanking god that we weren’t watching the PPV and various other topics. The topic at one point came up to web logging, journals, curtsey domains, and the like:
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU PEOPLE THINKING OF?
Ryns and i were sitting here looking for bras online when i piped up about the curtsey domain names: “Do they just pick out random names from the dictionary, hop over to internic and get a .org after it?” rynsey just shook her head and laughed. she had an explanation for most of the websites i was naming (on why they were named for such), but it seems to me that the trend recently isn’t just getting a cool domain, but getting a domain with any old word or a word you are fond of (however it seems that some of the words i would be interested in using for a domain are taken already by the same said group i am talking about here).
i spend hours upon hours checking these damn websites out. it’s almost an obsession with me. going through blog’s list of “who just blogged freshly” i check to see who has a “cool” domain and who doesn’t. if the blog is on a “free” site (like GeoCities or tripods or crosswinds), i will not check out the site. i am, an internet elitist. (i also do the same thing for diaryland.com as well as other websites for zines/journals/diaries — i check to see the domain name first before i go to see the site).
this goes without saying, that i’m bored with the current trend of things on the web.
i’m bored with going to websites and finding projects started and never finished or never explained why they were abandoned (like teethmag.com for instance). i’m finding it harder and harder to find good information or sites worth reading without finding something similar to someone else’s site. i came across this one only to have Paul and a few people who were standing behind me ask me wasn’t that a site i had already done. when it wasn’t but carried some of i’m also scared about a new idea i came up with as i had found a zine that had the idea, ran with it and has even down to the marketing idea we were thinking for verbosity already in place.
now, you have to understand my thinking: if i see something, i don’t think to make it better or think to make it different — i just wonder why people want the choice — because we have so much available to me. why have three different restaurants offering hamburgers (mickey d’s, burger king and wendys) when one is enough? i’ve thought this way for years. and it’s hard for me to make the distinction — and even more so (however, i’m the connoisseur of pens. pentel rsvps in fine point blue please) now as i get older — i keep thinking: who am i, what do i like, and what do i want.
home by ikea
we love ikea.
almost every room in our apartment has *something* by ikea in it. our living room has two futons, three tables, bookcase, floor rug. bedroom has dresser (new from today’s outing), two end tables. kitchen has assorted things as well as the bathrooms. i heart ikea. the only ONLY fucking problem is that it’s out in Potomac Mills, which on a good day I can do the drive in 25 minutes (and that is getting on four different highways to get to). But the good driving days here are few and far between. I also heart Potomac Mills as its one huge shopping mall that carries nothing but outlet stores. When Jeff saw the Nautica store, he cried. Now i have a dresser (that i put together, thank you very much. all paul did was screw in the knobs — but he is very good with screwing) with two drawers that are empty as i don’t know what to fill them with. figures. i bitch about not having enough space for months and now i have boatloads of it and nothing to put into it.
the funny thing was, that i was willing to pay the 69 bucks for delivery of the dresser when the guy looked at me like i was crazy as this was my only item. if you are not acquainted with ikea, the premise is that the reason why the furniture and crap is so cheap is due to YOU putting the damn thing together as well as taking it home. Generally this is a good idea, but i was already lugging around two huge frames for art work we had bought plus a heavy bag. carting out two heavy boxes for the damn dresser didn’t make sense to me. when i explained to the clerk that we were lazy (we do have to add in that i live on the third floor AND paul is the king of lazies), he just started laughing. the clerk promised to watch my stuff while i trot out to hell (er the parking lot) to grab my car and pull up. right when i had pulled into the parking spot to load my stuff, it started trickling rain. when i threw the frames into the back seat and had gone to get the dresser boxes, it was down pouring. by the time i had gotten the boxes into my trunk, i was soaked and had to remove my shoes and flip the air on as the steam from the heat of my body being wet was fogging up the windows. The clerk helping me load my boxes gave me a thumbs up seeing my “FSCK ME” plates and the “I brake for pornstars” bumper sticker.
i drove home at a leisurely pace (while talking to paul on my cell about buying a doggy — the verdict is still out) and pulling out ont 495 it was clear — no rain, no storm, no nothing. my windshield wipers were making the “squeak squeak” noise of rubber against dry glass. when paul, derrick and i had left an hour later to go to dinner, i got caught in the same storm — and this time i was wearing a white t-shirt.
some days you just can’t win.
not justin
to “not justin”:
i don’t know who you are — but you are giving me the willies. please stop attempting contact with me and please stop sending emails telling me i’ve dumped my dream guy. the past is over and done with and i’m very much in love with paul.
thank you and have a nice day.
fsck me
my plates came in.
i’m so surprised that the state of virginia allowed me to have the plate “FSCK ME”. There were bets going around due to the fact that a friend of ours who wanted “FSCK” was denied due to it’s implications (supposedly). I am now a “Linux Pronstar”. bow down before me for i give good head.
make it stop
i don’t know what it has been lately, but i’ve been feeling like two separate people are living inside of my body. the other day i got so angry on the way home from work that if someone was in the car with me (which they weren’t), i would have killed them. i don’t know why i was angry or why i would have killed them but the rage in my head is driving me insane. now i’m not talking about just straight off pms, this is much much worse. i have had to start taking walking breaks at work because when i get an email from a customer that sounds scratching (even if it really wasn’t), i have to walk away from the situation to see if i am feeling any better.
chances are, i am and i do. but that doesn’t stop making it less scary. i’m not quite sure what i’m going to do now — i’m thinking it’s the new birth control pills but it may not be. but they found me to be healthy.
supposedly.
back to square one.
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lisa
6/16/2000 12:18:22 AM
the dark side
okay. paul had set up m*sql on the box so that i could update automagically off of a webbrowser and then the box crashed and things have been — well weird. i’m in love with blogger these days — the uses for it — and i have succumbed to the evil forces by using it now for THREE freaking websites. silly me. you know times are a changing. i have removed netscape from my machine completely (4.73 seems to NOT like me — and nothing seems stable) and am using IE5.5 almost exclusively now. I say almost as i still use netscape at work on my sparc.
today i had signed onto AOL (yes yes i do run aol sometimes. i had signed up nearly 2 years ago when i was working for slip.net to test connectivity problems with customers) and had forgotten that i had signed up to beta test their new software — and somehow i had gotten accepted to their list (i wonder what they base their criteria on — or the fact that my screen name is linuxgurl) and was reading about the new beta tests when i got messaged by some kid. literally a kid HALF my freaking age. there are many reasons why i don’t sign onto aol anymore (being that i get a lot of messages from newbies due to my screen-name being what it is) and i just felt so OLD.
i’ve been thinking more so about this in the last few days since i turned the big 2-8. I celebrated it with a few friends from work who shared the same birthday and one of them had turned 31. I asked him how it was like being over 30 now and he said he didn’t care. Turning 21 was the big one — after that it was smooth coasting the whole way. and with me, it’s not like that. sometimes i look at paul and wonder — we’ve been together for nearly a year — and NOW it hits me he’s 8 years younger than me. The irony is in a way, i was always the oldest amongst my friends when I was growing up — most of them were always a year or two younger than me. i kept thinking of all my friends from Michigan — josh, sherry, shelly, shane, mike, and scads of people who i don’t remember anymore. Jenni forwarded me the info for my 10 year reunion next month. i don’t know whether to laugh or cry about the details.
healthy as a horse
for months, nay years, i’ve been living under the impression that i’ve been sick with various ailments. none of them terribly serious but concerning for ones health to be sure. within two weeks i got told that the previous doctors assessments were *wrong* and that i’m healthy as a horse.
i’m confused.
and you are probably wondering, why are you confused? that is awesome news. but that still doesn’t explain what seemingly is wrong with me!
you see, about 10 years ago, the doctor confirmed that i had polycystic ovarian disease. this means (basically) i have too much male hormones in my body (which accounts for my agressivness) and causes cysts to be built up on my ovaries causing me to not get my period regularly AND that i could have problems having children. i schedule an appointment with a doctor who specializes in PCOD and i’m excited. all my damn problems seemingly are caused by one singular thing. she talks to me, checks me out. blood pressure normal. has me get blood drawn. slaps me on a new pill that is supposed to make my life easier and bearable — and then…
i start my period 2 weeks early. i’ve been so moody pauls started calling me dr jeckyl and mrs hyde. and the doctor called me to tell me that my blood tests were normal and there was nothing to indicate that i had PCOD. nothing. i’m clean. no problems. so why do i exhibit signs if my blood tests are fine? its frustrating. i’m so sick of my body reacting violently to even the smallest amount of stress. i’m sick of always being grouchy. no one, i mean no one, can be this much of a fucking hypochondriac.
geez.
so now i’m taking my tired ass to bed.
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lisa
birthday countdown part deux
my birthday is tomorrow! it’s not too late to buy me something!
i brake for pornstars
last weekend paul and i were at the mall shopping around. i had no idea what i wanted for my birthday. since we have the means to buy what we need when we need it, i haven’t been lacking in anything.
paul pulled me into a goff-in-a-box type store and i saw the perfect bumper sticker i brake for porn stars. since i’m a pronstar and not a pornstar, i bought it anyways. the following day after affixing said sticker on my car, i nearly got rammed into at least FIVE times from people trying to read it. either that or virginia drivers are even more horrid than i thought.
speaking of driving, on Tuesday i finally took my ass down to the dmv to get my license replaced (i’ve lived in virginia since november, you’d think i’d do this sooner) and to get my tags. now. here is the screwy part:
i’ve been informed by several virginia residents that the cost of getting plates/tags in VA is quite expensive. it’s based on the tax of the car which can actually run into hundreds of dollars. i was so afraid of it costing an arm and a leg, that i opted to get plates in cali before i left (which was an arm and a leg in itself). but then (dramatic pause) my plates expired, i had gotten busted for speeding (twice) and found out my license was suspended (punishable to time in jail in virginia). so i set out to find a list of things to do before heading to the dmv.
in the state of virginia, you need to have safety/emissions test done first. then it’s on to the dmv where you tell the customer information person what you need to do, they give you a ticket and you wait for your number to be called. the cost of my plates were a lot cheaper than i had anticipated. cost of reinstating my license, tags/registration for my car (for two years) plus personalized plates (that say FSCK ME) came to a grand total of 130 dollars. today i love virginia.
the other neat part was that you get your license right then and there. why does that excite me? because i remember living in california and in Michigan you had to wait weeks to get your license. *snap* picture taken, wait 10 minutes, schazam! new license.
28
tomorrow is my 28th birthday.
and i’m having issues. major issues.
why is turning 28 so fucking hard?
if someone has the answer, mail me.
my old ass is going to bed.
birthday countdown
my birthday is in 8 days.
buy me something! .
oops! i did it again!
i’m obsessed with britney spears.
get over it.
the art of death
today i had to run to cvs to grab some stuff for a gift i bought for a friend of mine whose birthday is coming up. while i was perusing the aisles, i noticed the fathers days cards that were displayed so prominently.
——
the other night, derrick, paul and i had gone to barnes and noble (as we tend to do about 2x a week) and both derrick and i laughed at the fact that we no longer have to celebrate fathers day any longer. while it was morbid in thought, it was, in a way, a welcome relief to the realization that we can celebrate our fathers life instead of mourning their death.
——
in the weeks following my fathers death, i’m still shaken by the aspect of the fact that death is all around me. i see it in the animals we eat, the flowers i pick and the obituaries i can’t tear myself from reading in the sunday paper. i’m working (trying/fighting/hoping) on moving off of this depressing kick – but i can’t shake myself from feeling that one day i too will die and what is going to happen next is the big unknown.
i try to keep comforted by the words my mother and paul both tell me: he’s in a better place now. he’s happy now. he’s not in pain anymore. but on the flipside, i still can’t work over the reality of his death: i haven’t seen him in some time, i didn’t call him enough, i wasn’t made aware of his illness. he won’t be around when i get married, have kids or celebrate other fortunes in my life.
i’m beginning to feel that i too will die. not in the way off future that is the reality of it, but in the oh so close future. tomorrow. next week. next month. this is what immobilizes me and this is what eating at my heart. i lash out to paul only to realised this is getting me no where and that everything feels stale and fake.
——
the only solace i’m finding is the beauty in the green of the trees, the look in pauls eye when he says he loves me and the feel of his hugs when we sleep at night.
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