Month: September 2001

dance dance revolution

Tonight was supposed to be my first night at dance class, but, work pressure was mounting up today and i got an awful migraine around 4pm that just wouldn’t leave. I called Alisha and told her that I would have to take a rain check till next monday — it wasn’t that I was going to not follow through, fuck, i spent some cash on my shoes (tap and ballet), but for some reason some of the signs of my anxiety flared up (why I dunno, I’ve been taking the drugs), and i thought it was best to go home.
I’m taking a combination of tap/jazz and ballet which is to provide two things a: get me limber and flexible, b: get me in shape and c: so I can dance on the dance floor. I don’t know why lately I’ve been on this club kick even though I haven’t been to a club since, hell, when I left grand rapids four year nearly five years ago, but I have been. I just love dancing. I proudly told Alisha (who is a professional dancer) that I danced from the time I was 3 till I was 9 or 10 or 11 (somewhere in there) where the dreams of a professional dancer sort of got shot with my growth spurt and my big feet (I wore a size 10 shoe starting when I was in fourth grade and I stood over 5′ tall — this has got to tell you something).

alan

I found him after nearly 10 years.
Actually, it was easier than I thought it would be — Shelly has been finding people left and right on classmates.com, and I hadn’t even ever thought to check that out to see if he was listed. Oh boy, today was my lucky day.
And yes I did email him.
backstory: when i was a young lass (now that I’m old and crotchety), i met this guy, named alan, who was the airborne express delivery guy at the place I worked at. Turns out, after I had been working there for about four or five months, alan had the biggest crush on me. Everyone knew it in the store — except yours truly.
We dated and it was — to put it mildly — really intense. It was for me anyways. Alan was the guy who brought the freak out in me — and it was because of him i went and got my nose pierced. Yes, it’s true. Lisa @ 20 wasn’t as bright as Lisa at 29.
Alan and I dated for about six or seven months, and he was — simply put, my life. I lived, breathed, fucked for that man. Everything in my little world was wrapped around his happiness. Then the day after Christmas, 1991, he broke up with me.
We continued seeing each other on the side — you see, he cheated on me with his now-wife, and cheated on his now-wife with me before he got married — our ‘affair’ lasted another 6 months which lead to a blow out of me getting into fisticuffs with her at a bar shortly after my 21st birthday.
I never saw him again.
Alan, heh, I’m laughing now when i think about it, was the end all be all of existence for quite a few years. Last time I saw him was in 1993, and I didn’t date anyone again until 1995. I cried, bled, screamed and tore up because of that man.
See, I don’t know if Alan’s recollection of me is the same of what I have of him. This didn’t actually dawn on me until tonight when I dropped the email to him — thinking maybe i didn’t make that big of impact on him as he did on me. I’m trying not to let wishful thinking get in the way of memory. I remember the really stupid shit — the times when I was strong and I told him to fuck off and he’d show up at my house and we’d fuck for hours. What was it about me that drove him to her? Why wasn’t I good enough for him? All these questions have been burned in my memory — hell, Danny and I talked about this when I was in Grand Rapids. We were discussing about Danny’s reunion and I said “I have no idea what I would do if I ran into Alan again” — and I didn’t. I still don’t. Why does it matter — now, after all these years?
It shouldn’t, right? I mean, my god, look at how my life has changed — look at how much I’ve changed, look at what I’ve accomplished and done with my life with very little to build on.
According to his bio, he’s in the naval reserve now. He’s clean cut and changed — just as I have changed.
Maybe it doesn’t matter if he does respond to me or not — maybe it just matters that I made the first step to getting closure — and maybe he never realized how much he is part of my commitment issues — if only he had been honest.
I’m throwing blame on him, and it’s true. I never could stand for lying cheating and being dishonorable — and he was all three — but that memory, that memory we all carry of our first big love that burns into our hearts and changes us. That memory which we think is buried deep inside us isn’t — it’s always on the surface waiting to get out.
x0x0x
lisa

electric fried eel

Tonight I met my friend Mark, one of my oldest on-line friends, in person.
Mark and I have had our ups/downs in the last five+ years we have known each other. I met him shortly after he got married to now when he is going through a divorce. He’s seen me move from Michigan to California to Virginia. We’ve had our fights and our moments of closeness. Tonight, unplanned, we decided to hook up.
I am, very very comfortable, with meeting people I have first met on- line. A good chunk of the relationships and friendships I have know is due to the Internet (including my fly-by-the-seats experiences and also thanks in part how i got my job). I wasn’t nervous. As stated, I’m very comfortable with meeting people I know on-line. It is, simply put, a further extension of myself by greeting them in person. I told Mark that I would hug him when I see him (typically, i come from a very demonstrative family. i am so surprised that i have yet to get a “sexual harassment” filed on me at work for how friendly we are to each other). A few hours later after work (with him getting lost on 495 — damn beltway), he ding donged my doorbell and there he was!
I hugged him and Paul was being a bitch and didn’t want to meet him, we grabbed my purse and took off for Best Buy.
It turns out Mark has never sat in a Saturn before AND he’s never been to Starbucks! So, i devirginized him in two separate things tonight.
He and I sat outside of Starbucks (which was next door to best buy. I got the “Hannibal” dvd and the dvd of “Memento” — a movie I’ve been dying to see) and drank our coffee and talked. It was such a peaceful night — the air was a tad crisp (perfect for wearing my new cords), the sky was really clear and we laughed at all the idiots passing us by and i tickled him for good measure. Mark smelled great and I was happy to have met him. He looked so angelic compared to the previous pics i saw with all of his piercings. Mark also has a few tattoos and we talked about ink and life and relationships. I had a really good time.
Prior to all of this, I had asked Paul if we had any plans for tonight and he had said no. So when I told him not only was I going to meet mark, but that I wanted him to meet him, he went into bitch-mode and threatened to deck Mark. I told Paul, bluntly, that I had a right to go out with friends and that if i was having an affair with Mark, I would not tolerate this super possessive attitude Paul has been showing of late and he could either accept the fact I was going out or he could be a little bitch. Paul choose to be a little bitch. It was not 10 minutes after our conversation this afternoon in which I told him this (and he had told me we had no plans for tonight), that he asked what time everyone was meeting up for the weekly game of pool at Breakers. I wanted to kill him.
My assertiveness to be ‘me’ and not Paul’s latchkey seems to be working. We talked tonight and decided not to have sex anymore unless we truly wanted to be together — and not have sex for the sake of sex. He wanted to get to know me better and become friends again. I really really appreciate this sentiment and am willing to give it ago because I can admire that he said this to me. I know we have a lot to work out on, and I remain firm though in my decision to start having a life outside my relationship with Paul and if he chooses to come with me on my decisions, than we will be so much the better as a couple.
But no guarantees and no promises of tomorrow. We just have to live our life day by day and see what happens.
x0x0x
lisa

fire woman

I was having a post-coital moment after sex tonight sitting on the toilet reading stuff (the august 2001 issue) when the article on “how to stratify her to tears…of joy!” caught my eye.
Apparently, in this article, the journalist(s) dis on everything from different positions and tantric and kama sutra saying that in short, none of it works. They blamed Sting for how bad tantric is because part of the exercises is that you have to stare into your lovers eyes for hours before even engaging sex. Also, apparently, ‘dirty talk’ (72%) and ‘anal sex’ (41%) were on the list of ‘kinky things’ people have tried. In the category of ‘kinky things we have tried and didn’t like’, group sex (38%) and anal sex (38%) were the top two things people would never try again. Also listed were bondage, role play and voting for a democrat.
Aha. They polled 1200 Cosmo readers. NOW it makes sense.
In any regard, this recent backlash of going to an almost puritanical stint in the terms of human sexuality is all wrong. Women should be gathering and empowering their sexiness, not turning into boring little boards with boobs. it angers me. yes missionary is fine. Vanilla sex is fine. But even after awhile you start to count the threads in the sheets you are so bored.
I’ve been in this mood lately, since i arbitrarily changed my meds to 75mg of Effexor and 150mg of Serzone. When I was on the 350mg EFfexor and 50mg of Serzone, i was thinking clearly but my sex drive was low. Since mid-july (due to when I was in Michigan and having to ration out my crack), I’ve been on this new cocktail, I’ve been feeling more sensual and sexual. It’s like taking a hot bath after days of having no hot water. It’s a wonderful feeling. I can tell by the change in drugs how my mood has changed and how more confident I feel (Don’t worry Dr. B, I’ll be making an appointment again, I haven’t forgotten) both naked and when wearing clothes. I feel more alive, as it were.
This is of course, bothering Paul, to some extent. I took the initiative and put a personals ad on nerve.com to meet people (no, not just for sex but to just make friends with hello) in the area that i hadn’t already met via work or some geeky type of thing. I wanted to meet people that were of my interest and not just the geeky-types. I was getting pretty fed up with how our social life was resulting in meeting people and Paul chubbing a wood because of all the toys everyone has. Not to say our local friends aren’t great, they are, i just need more.
Which is the story of my life.
At any rate, I’ve been striking up conversations with people via nerve and having a damn fine time. I plan on meeting one in October when both of our schedules are free and another longtime ‘net friend this weekend (i hope) since he is finally getting a divorce from his wife and we can hang out without her getting feisty about it. I’m also going to start taking dance classes next week (adult tap/jazz/ballet) as I haven’t danced in years (not including clubbing) and i don’t want to look like a big dork when I DO go clubbing (thanks alisha!).
So sex is on my mind and today i had shaved every hair on my body i could find, even down to my cunt making it as bald as i could with a bread trimmer and my Venus razor. I get so turned on by shaving, I instantly masturbated after my shower thinking of a lisa sammich. Afterwards, wrapped in a towel and a bathrobe, i walked out to the computer room, grabbing Paul’s hand to feel my hairless cunt, telling him, lets go make some noise. As per usual, he was more interested in Tony Hawk than fulfilling my needs and immediately got upset when I had told him I had masturbated. He accused me of cheating. When I asked whom was I cheating with (we were standing in our bedroom at the time), he said Aaron Lewis (lead singer of Staind, my lust for bald tattoo’d pierced men has come to the forefront again). I laughed. At any rate, I attempted to pin him down this evening for some quality pussy time when he kept giving me the jibe of ‘not right now’, and I’m thinking to myself “you know, fuck this, he always put his computers in front of me and I’m sick of it’, so i said ‘are you turning me down?’ and he said ‘no, just not right now I’m busy (playing a video game)’. so i begged and i pleaded and finally we went to the bedroom and started snuggling.
Paul now has this new habit of where he no longer feels ‘dominant’ or ‘aggressive’ cos he’s not in the mood to be. To preface this, we both have ‘issues/matters/concerns’ with our sex life, which has lead heavy discussion with Dr. B on what to do next. Primarily “was it me or is it him or what the fuck is going on”. Partly, he is scared because anything that is beyond vanilla i tend to get upset at. Riguse anything that is beyond episodes within the last few years and now that I’m on crack, i feel so much the better for it. I learned how to deal with my anger and my depression (as it were), and i want to have more. Nothing so far, is seemingly, working. It’s a huge issue between us, as you have probably guessed.
So by this time tonight, I’m hot and horny again (i have no idea what’s been setting me off lately — my trigger points usually are smells and music, but this time everything seems to be setting me off), and I’m rubbing up and down Paul in my grey little nightie and thong looking at him adorably and telling him I want to go make love (I’m changing tactics here, I’m infamous for wanting to just ‘fuck’). I beg and plead some more and we go off to the bedroom where Paul climbs under the covers and starts being passive. I’m trying hard not to get angry, I’m trying hard to be different in approaching him in anticipation he see’s i really do want him. This continues for a few minutes while I snuggle and kiss him and I feel like I’m ‘forcing’ myself on him. I get his shirt and underwear off and climb on top of him, 69 style, driving my cunt into his face with only my thong to keep him from tasting me. Usually, this works. Usually, he is such a cunt-eater, that even the smell just gets him going. I’m giving him head, notating how I give it and paying a lot of attention to his cock, all the while I’m driving and grinding down hard on his face and he is just …. laying there. He is hard and he is moaning, but he is just laying there. So I reach around, pull my thong to the side and shove my cunt deeper in his face. He finally starts reciprocating. After awhile, I get naked, grab a condom, sit on him and place his hands on my breast. I start just moving my hips only slowly, very very very slowly and Paul is like ‘come here and give m a kiss’ and I’m not in the mood to be kissed, i just want to feel his cock inside of me. I’m grinding away and he comes but at the same time i keep mashing his hands against my breasts and he sighs this content of relief.
I roll over on the bed still hornier than fuck (i have only been able to cum vaginally once, maybe twice in my life) and start to masturbate. Paul has referred me to being male as I roll over and just sleep when I’m satiated.
Sex has been figuring heavily in my mind lately as I’m watching friends of mine divorce or break-up and one of the biggest reasons why is “lack of affection/lack of sex” (besides cheating, but I won’t go into that). I value having a relationship with Paul, but this putzy way we are having sex is driving me crazy. We used to have fun in the begriming (as I refer to as the “Atlanta time”) and now i feel like we are an old married couple. We seriously need to start working on this issue before I stab him or something because I do not want to spend my life with someone who isn’t sexually compatible with me. People get married for all the wrong reasons, and while I may love someone deeply or am in love with someone deeply, i DO however see sex and love as being together and not separate. I never thought, in a million years, of being with someone I wasn’t sexually attracted to, had that intense feeling with, etc and staying with them because i loved them. Physical love needs to grow as well as spiritual love. No more compromises and no more ‘another times’.
the time is now.
x0x0x
Lisa
I’ve moved a lot in my relatively young life. When is started thinking about all the places I’ve moved to, I wanted to draw up a list:

  • 1972 – Born in Toronto, Ontario, Canada
  • 1972 – Moved from Toronto to Port Huron, MI
  • 1985 – Port Huron MI to Grand Rapids MI – apartment complex
  • 1989 – GR: Apartment complex to my mothers lovers (Chuck) house
  • 1990 – GR: Mothers lovers house to her own house on Paris Ave
  • 1990 – GR back to Toronto, Canada
  • 1991 – Toronto back to Grand Rapids, MI
  • 1996 – GR: Moved from my mothers house in with Danny
  • 1997 – GR: Moved back to Mothers house
  • 1997 – Grand Rapids, MI to San Francisco, CA
  • 1997 – SF: Changes apartments
  • 1998 – Moved to Oakland, CA
  • 1999 – Moved from Oakland, CA to Virginia Beach, VA
  • 1999 – Moved from VB to Fairfax
  • 2001 – Moved from Fairfax to Herndon, VA
  • 2001 – Herndon: Moved across the complex to a smaller apartment

mother, may i

my mother called me this morning to let me know what was currently going on with her since she had moved to Port Huron. She still gets a bit giddy with the realization that she see’s an ad on television for Port Huron, she thinks to herself how wonderful it would be for her to live there and then reality strikes that she does live there.
Mumsy is becoming the belle of the ball, being the second youngest resident in the independent living apartments she is currently residing in. She goes out, she plays poker, she goes shopping, she’s always on the go. She was lamenting to me that she no longer feels productive anymore and i had to keep reassuring her that she was getting along just fine. I then thanked her for being so damn impatient, passing that trait on to me and making me the anal retentive person that I am today.
A prime example is after we had moved everything yesterday, Alvin and I were in my bedroom unpacking my books. You can tell a lot by what person first unpacks after they move. The three things I was worried about were:
a. coffee machine/grinder
b. the teddy bear I’ve had since i was 3
c. my book collection
Alvin offered to help stack the books into the huge bookshelf i have, when i declined and said no, my anal retentiveness wouldn’t allow it. I couldn’t find the one big box of books i had that i had in my “current reading pile” but started reading About A Boy again by Nick Hornby, after telling Chris it was a load of poo. Well it was a load of poo, but it was a year ago when I read it (after finishing High Fidelity and deciding that the main character was me) and who knows?
Maybe I was wrong.
So far, I haven’t been wrong.
We have no gas and thus nothing to heat up the water heater and we can’t cook. Last night I had to have a shower and stood there under the freezing cold sprays.