i care because?

Today I got called into the managers office at work, and I knew why I was being called and it was not really that big of surprise to me. I was called in because of my “attitude” and apparently to sum it up telling sales reps to go fuck themselves is a bad idea. Very bad apparently but you know I’m very well aware of what i said and when is said it.

Work-wise, I’m at the end of my rope. I’m angry to start with because I got bumped from being a team lead. Now this doesn’t sound so much like a big deal but, it was because it was important to me. I’ve got this sinking feeling that raises are going to be long in coming because of the new power structure. Off track, anyways, so that’s part of it. Secondly, I’m noticing some coworkers that I am in contact with who apparently feel it’s necessary to speak down and to dummy down everything. It’s not that I don’t like being told what to do, I just resent it, when it feels like i’m being talked down to.

It has also came very apparent that I do not speak english. Really. I speak Lisa- ease. Things that should be very clear because of specific circumstances I have were basically laid out in the open, it has been apparent that it is not. I also dislike being second guessed and knowing I’m right in the first place.

The problem is, literally, if I am having acute paranoia about these things or if they really are true. My thinking as of late has been not that everyone is out to get me, or that it was really negative but more so that x follows y follows z, even though majority of the time it’s all just me being nuts or complete coincidence. But i string the events together anyways to see what happens.

I’ve also been having weird little quirks that are kind of getting to me, like I have to hold the arm rail when I walk down the stairs or I will fall. It’s not because I’m a klutz, it is because I truly feel i’m going to fall and break my freaking neck. And when I was smoking, jesus was that a bitch since i had to walk down a few flights of stairs.

misanthropy/fate

i’m fed up.

Totally and completely fed up.

I had made some new aquaintances (if you will) over the last few weeks and had told them that I was strictly not looking to start a hot n heavy affair but rather i was looking to be friends with them. period. platonic. friendship. that’s it. I know no one in this area other than work related people, and while that’s fine i wanted to find people in my own genre who i could relate to you on a more lisa-type method.

there were a total of 3 people i’ve met over the few local mailing lists. all three saw my picture and of the 3…

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There is an autor, named Paulo Coelho, whom I’ve recently discovered via the book “Veronika Decides to Die”. The books concept and preface seemed interesting, but it was upon futher investigation that Coelho is a prize winning author who has been wrting for nearly 20 years and is from Brazil. Appparenlty his books been…

anger management

in case you haven’t been keeping track, the company i work for “WorldCom”, is going through some hard times. Namely, that we lost our CEO (yay!), got a new one (Generation Sidgemore) and our stock is now tanking at 1.48 down from 46 dollars when i started back in Novemeber of 1999. Many people have talked about the future of the company and about how where we are going. WCom nee UUNet owns over 60% of the internet backbone. We are one of the few tier one level providers still standing after the dotcom breakdown. But bad managment, bad morale in the company, bad planning finanncially lead to the drop in our stock, people not giving a shit about what is going on. The funny part, at leastto me is that they want me to take Anger Management class.

Apparently they feel that I’m too angry to work with and deal within our natural work enviroment. But fuck, can you blame me? No raise for nearly 2 years. No promotions, no merit raises. No chance of moving anywhere within the company. Can’t leave the company for fear of what doesn’t exist outside the system. Everything goes to fucking shit in a basket and it’s like they make you feel like that for every buck you earn for the company revenue wise, it’s fucking pointless because you’ll never see even a penny of that buck.

I know our managers do care and i know that second level managers care but once you start moving up farther the chain, it’s fucking hopeless. I mean if they cared, Bernie wouldn’t have gotten us into this mess and I wouldn’t be complaining right now.

The general consensus is that WCOM is goign to declare bankruptcy but (and this is a big but) concerning our current status in which we have gazillion percentage of the internet, the work census has been that the govn’t will bail us out (either them or Deutsch telecom).

And people wonder why i’m bitter? It’s pretty hard to have faith in something, even as stable as WCOM that falls fucking apart on you.

x0x0
lisa