It is Friday night and I’ve made a very singleton type dinner of pasta with parmesan cheese sprinkled on top, spray butter spritzed on to adhere the cheese to the pasta. Multi-grain pasta, no less, to further infuse the idea that I’m trying to get ìhealthy.î I have a mere few hours between the time I got home from work and until I have to get to bed in order to wake up at 5am to head back to work. I had already walked the dogs, changed into my jammies, swept the living and dining room wood floors, prepped coffee for the morning and paid a few bills. While trying to decide if I was going to read a bit or watch a DVD before hitting the hay, I realised this was my life: and unless something changed, and soon, this is how it was going to be the incessant pattern, day in and day out, with nothing to look forward to and nothing to commend myself on having done, because, I always planned on conquering the world tomorrow and my past was filled with nothing but those empty tomorrows where I just existed and did not really live.
And I felt that sense of panic, that I would end up dead and alone, eaten by ThePugKids, all three of them fighting to eat my hands and feet. I can almost see them burping with a self-satisfied look on their faces. If pugs could smirk, mine surely would in utter defiance of not being spoilt rotten.
But I digress.
Some time ago, a month maybe?, I got this brilliant idea of starting yet another website (yet another vain attempt on my part on commitment and as always, flaking out), which is what you’re looking at now. I had lofty ambitions (doesn’t one always have lofty ambitions when they start projects?), where I would write everyday and it would be about ANYTHING I damned near felt like writing, no matter how trite, absurd, vapid or incessantly boring. I started creating tag after tag because I have IDEAS! PLANS! GOALS! It would be culture of Lisa, and I could finally start getting down what the fuck I wanted out of life without just thinking about it, daydreaming while I shelve books day in and day out, and then wonder how my temporary job has landed me an anniversary date.
Tonight it just clicked, hard for me, as I sat there straining the pasta before spritzing the I Cant Believe it’s Not Butter spray: I’m 34 years old, it’s a Friday night and I just feel like I’m totally left out of the world around me. I seriously am beginning to feel that I have nothing in common with most of my friends anymore and I spend my free time escaping via books, music, and television. And this is not where I want to be. That was the driving force, still is, of purchasing this domain and getting started on where I’m going and how I’m going to get there. Because I’ve got plans, goddamnit, and some how or another, I’m not going to remain another retail monkey working for people who are seriously dumber than a box of rocks (and I put myself in this position, exactly, why?).
Working in a bookstore wouldn’t be SO bad, because where else can you fondle for books for a living, tell people your unadulterated opinion for free and get paid? But the pay is killing me (and today’s check, sans a day when I called in sick last week due to pink eye) just infuriates me. I have a fucking college degree and I’m barely scratching poverty level wages!
Okay, look, I’m going to stop myself right there before I become way too disjointed about this initial entry. Here is the website, here are some of the goals I plan on working on and this here website is where I’m going to catalogue every stinking inch of the way, $deity help me:
- Take the GRE and get into a big girl grad school (I’m currently taking graduate classes via Central Mich)
- Quit smoking (already started, tracker can be found here).
- Lose weight
- Join a gym and actually go! (Already joined and went once. Yay me.)
- Write a book or twelve
- Actually learn how to casually date and not refer to men as being moronic half-wits who have more baggage as UPS, FedEx and DHS combined.
- Get into freelance writing as a job.
- Find another job!
- Put together the “100 things to do in 1000 Days,” encompassing weight loss, travel, quitting smoking, learning new hobbies, etc.
I’m sure there is more, there is always more. But now is my time, while I’m still young, have all my teeth and the energy to do it. Nothing is stopping me other than me, and if takes warm fuzzy bullshit to get self-motivated to do what I need to do and get it done, than so be it.