Wooden bathing suits, supposed to make swimming a lot easier. Haquian, Washington, USA, 1929. Courtesy of The Commons, Flickr.
Dear Internet,
I don’t have much time this evening to write as I’m due to leave in about 15 minutes to pick up Beth from their airport. Tomorrow morning, she and I will head up to Throbbing Cabin where five other of our friends will meet us for a long girls weekend.
Seven girls.
All librarians.
Drunk.
In A Cabin.
In the Woods.
What could possibly go wrong?
Don’t be terribly surprised if communication from me is slow this weekend, namely here on the blog. And I’m not quite sure what the protocol is to tweet from jail.
(If you’re into that kind of thing, you can always follow me on the twitters or instagram to keep up with the antics.)
I was feeling pretty focused on work today, but some of the problems with MPOW’s website upgrade is trickling down to me and that is causing me some frustration. The frustration stems as student report vague web issue to library staff, library staff reports that to me long after the student has left so I can’t trouble shoot or fix the issue. I’ve been dragging my own laptop in to test the complaints but I can’t apparently duplicate them and as the student has long gone, I can’t work with them directly.
See. Frustration.
The problems all stem from students who have their own devices, and I have been walking library staff through asking a series of questions to narrow down at least the general problems but something in the communication either from me to them or from them to the student or somewhere else is getting broken. I just feel like I’ve been repeating myself A LOT.
Today is day #3 of no sleepiness and to test out my theory, I refrained from caffeine long after my morning Red Bull was gone. I drank water for the rest of the day and felt fine. Later in the afternoon I had a ritual Coke slurpee while I ran errands as I needed the extra push to make sure I was up when to I went to pick Beth up.
Much later.
It’s long after midnight and I’m still up. Beth’s plane was late by an hour, which turned out to be a boon to me as I was able to complete some packing and writing before I needed to leave. I smushed her face off when she came out of the gate, whisked her back to Throbbing Manor, gave her the abridged tour of the house and finally got her tucked into bed.
Mood ring says: Feeling pretty good. Pretty even. I’m gloriously enjoying the lack of sleepiness during the day. I’m also absolutely luxuriating in my morning routine, which is now including reading a short story while I eat my breakfast.
And if there is anything I’ve been discovering these last few weeks, the little things are everything.
x0x0,
Lisa (Day #14)
Satire on George IV in support of Queen Caroline, his estranged wife. Circa 1820. Courtesy of The Commons, Flickr.
Dear Internet,
If you have been paying close attention, and I know you have been, you would have noticed I missed a day this week — Monday. As the bugs get worked out of this system of daily writing, I’m sure to miss a day or two and I am allowing myself to be okay with that. But don’t be terribly surprised to find back dated entries showing up in your RSS feeds to feed my OCD monster.
Last night we apparently got a storm that myself and the dog slept through but woke TheHusband. He closed most of the windows in the house to prevent the rain from coming in and my clue was the half-closed bedroom windows that something was amiss. It’s been a cool summer, almost too cool in fact, but the spurts of extreme warmth continue to tease us and the storm didn’t dissipate the burgeoning heat. I ran around most of today wearing a cardigan, which was making me feel like I was sweating my proverbial balls off. Why I didn’t take off the damn sweater when I was in the elements is beyond me.
Work today was slow and not much was done. There was a meeting for the new faculty evaluation program that is coming into place and to be honest, it feels like a lo tof busy work for not a lot of real pay off. Okay, that may be a stretch since the pay off is having a job, but a lot of the documenting, professional development, and the like seems to be rather useless. It’s hard to talk about this here for changes come swift through the halls of academia and I don’t want to take any chances. The process, I’ll document over at Tales of a Cunning Systems Librarian.
I cut out of work early and headed over to the GrandCon volunteer meet-up, which was scheduled for tonight at a local bookstore. The organizer was late (he thought it was 5:30, not 5:00 as he told everyone else) but in the interim, I met a few of the other volunteers and they invited me to play Love Letter which turned out to be quick fun. Once the volunteer organizer showed up, the meeting was quick and there seems to be a lot to do in the next few months. I’m kind of excited about volunteering for this and if you’ve been following me around the social sphere for the last few years, my interest in comics and gaming has picked up considerably. I’m beginning to wonder if I should start putting together a comics resume of sorts because my activity is starting to increase significantly.
An interlude:
Wednesday night is Pub Trivia Night and myself, TheHusband and a few other friends play at a local bar every week. TheHusband and I have been absent the last few weeks as we’ve been up north, but the team has solidly rocked on without us. Tonight, however, we found out after we got to the spot our captains were unable to make it, so four us went for the glory and almost but not quite made it. I like our team and I like our event, but I’m not crazy about the location, the service of the staff, or even the food. TheHusband says he doesn’t care one way or another what we do, but I feel like we’re in a pickle.We’ll see how it is in a few weeks.
I’m thrilled to report that this is day 2 of not feeling like I’m going to keel over and sleep my way to Olympic Gold. It’s also day 2 of my period and day 2 that I went off the Metformin. What does this all mean? How are these related? I’m thrilled that I can get some semblance of focus and life back, but now I’m curious if I should start taking the Wellbutrin as directed by Dr. H. or not. I’d discuss this with Dr. P., but he had to reschedule our appointment tomorrow for Monday so I’ll wait until I see him before making any big moves.
And the coolest part about today? Thorarinn Leifsson, the graphic novelist/illustrator I mentioned earlier this week, found my blog and the entry about him and offered to send me his work in English, in PDF. I was so beyond thrilled, I was high fiving a million angels.
x0x0,
Lisa (Day #13)
Liberal Unionist poster, circa 1905-1910. Courtesy of The Commons, Flickr.
Dear Internet,
Dr. H. has become pushy, for him at least, on what drugs I am and am not taking. I should not fault him too much, because interaction could mean death. But he’s been pretty insistent my Metformin script is causing the havoc with me as of late, and I have to say, he may potentially have a point. I was pulled off of Metformin, after being on it for years, last winter when my GP and I were attempting to figure out if I was diabetic or not when I was going through all my ankle surgery woes. I use Metformin for my PCOD, but since it’s original intent is for pre-diabetics and diabetics not on insulin, it made sense to pull me off of it to make sure my blood work was not throwing up false negatives.
This, of course, all starts before Dr. H. and I start meeting and I’m off of Metformin for months. I think I finally went on it back in March when I got the all clear from the orthopedic surgeon on my ankle and my GP that I was not diabetic. Hurrah! Shortly after I start taking Metformin again, it was around that time when the sleepiness and other bi-product of lithium would appear and then disappear a few days later.
Since my sleepiness has been ebbing and flowing the last few days, I decided to do an experiment of my own by taking myself off the Metformin and see what happens. Oddly the day I stop taking it is the day I start my period, and I hope ultimately this doesn’t end up as a choice: regular, pain free periods OR less crazy.
Dr. H. wants me to start Wellbutrin this week as he’s also pretty convinced this will save my soul, thus once I’ll get my prescription filled, the regime will be:
500mg Lithium, 3x a day
1 mg of Klonopin, night (during day as needed)
Wellbutrin, morning
Daily vitamin, morning
Glucosamine Chondroitin, morning
Metformin, morning (On hold)
I’m ending the Glucosamine Chondroitin as it doesn’t seem to do anything for me anymore. I need to do more research into the vitamin shenanigans before giving that up completely. I’d like to get myself off as many drugs as possible in the end. Too much evidence is showing me a healthy diet and serious exercise regime is much more therapeutic rather than dosing me up with chemicals. Except for Klonopin, as that is the savior to everything.
In so far as exercise, TheHusband and I walked two miles yesterday and today I did entertain the idea of rowing, so there is that.
I’m not terribly sure if it is because I stopped the Metformin today OR if my period started, but what I do know my sleepiness is not as terrible as the day has progressed as it has been for the last few weeks. This morning I still had coffee and later, a 12 oz Red Bull, but I felt like I kept my shit together while I worked and I did drink a lot of water, which later supplemented with a bottle of coke. Maybe my caffeine intake is spiked and I need to adjust that more? I did stop drinking caffeine when I was on the legal meth for my ADHD and didn’t really miss it. I’ve also done routes of stopping caffeine after say noon to help me sleep better.
Right now this is not so much as planning as it is talking out loud to myself. Like I said, the boring bits of every day life but one I would like to track with gusto.
Dr. H’s idea behind the Klonopin is if I take it at night, every night, then a lot of the stress and other triggers that seem to randomly come and go will be squashed. If I can sleep a full night’s sleep, deeply, without fretting then I own’t be tired in the morning, and if I’m not tired then I’m not mainlining caffeine of of a hooker’s ass, and well, you get the picture. The number that is counting up after my name in all these recent posts is the number of nights I’ve taken Klonopin before bed, so that I could keep track in some form.
After a week of this inhaling of my wonder drug at night, and still feeling like death warmed over on a daily basis, Dr. P. suggested I take Klonopin earlier in the evening, say between 6-7PM so that the entire life of the drug would have cycled through before morning. The reason why this is important is because by taking it at my usual time (9-10PM or so), by the time I get up in the morning, the drug has such a long half-life, it would still be feeling the zombie effects come morning.
Makes a lot of sense.
Even with all of the Klonopin inhaling, I am still having panic attacks. Nothing to the extent like they used to be, but they are still there. One popped up an said hello today at around lunch time, so I popped half a Klonopin and did some breathing exercises to exorcise that demon. No one has time for that shit!
My social feeds have been abuzz about Night Vale, the podcast that is eating up the airwaves. Told in the format of community updates of the small desert town of Night Vale, it is the most delightful podcast. The show has been on for over a year now and one of the lovely things about finding out about something long after it has started is that you can gorge on the episodes. I would highly suggest you checking this out.
Finally, after weeks of trying to make this happen, TheHusband and I were able to make homemade pizza for dinner tonight and I did not die! As I’m allergic to cow milk and I can tolerate sheep and goat milk, how would I fare with buffalo milk? Namely, buffalo mozzarella?
Apparently, in all of Grand Rapids, the locations to get true buffalo mozzarella are minute. Once we found a place, I grabbed some gluten free crust for me and made a wheat based crust TheHusband. Below is the gluten free version.
http://instagram.com/p/csNwGivJDP
The taste? Not bad. I like thin crusts so that worked out well, the cheese didn’t spread as much as I had hoped, but as we bought only a single container, we weren’t sure how much would last for pizza. TheHusband made the sauce, which was sweet just as I liked it. Overall, probably the best version of pizza I’ve had since being diagnosed with my allergy and the ability to at least get gooey cheese was orgasmic. We will be making this again.
x0x0,
Lisa (Day #13)
Portrait of an articulated skeleton on a bentwood chair, circa 1900. Courtesy of The Commons, Flickr.
Dear Internet, The 12th Doctor was announced today. I’m not sure how I feel about the selection but as I said on Twitter, it’s not so much they went with a white male but the beeb, the show, Moffat – they have this AMAZING opportunity to take the show into new direction, pushing boundaries and make the show worth a damn! But no. Moffat on why no female Doctor, “It didn’t feel right to me, right now. I didn’t feel enough people wanted it.”
That has got to be one of the most cowardly statements ever published. Will I stop watching? More than likely not.
Today was a good day! TheHusband and I got up early, there was no leaping from the bed but early it was, and made some serious head way into the great weeding with the before illustrated below: The great weeding has begun!
After two hours and stuffing to the gills a 96 gallon yard waste container, our yard looks exactly the same! Well, not exactly – the weeds between the bricks in the walk are gone. So there is something. TheHusband and I keep going back and forth on how to take care of this mess, knowing really if we spent a few a hours a day working on it, it would be fantastic. And knowing who we are, it’s not probably not going to happen.
But we continue to be optimistic.
After cleaning ourselves up, we headed over to antique row, which is a series of antique stores located in the old warehouse district south of downtown. This area, along with other blighted spots, are getting their own gentrification so now instead of it being a sketchy area to park and shop in, the streets are getting nicer and better shops are moving in.. The row has now doubled to contain six distinct antique and speciality stores, such as one store that specializes in Mid-Century Modern and another that does specializes in reclaimed materials. Reclaimed from what, we’re not sure, but it looked too high falutin for us.
Our needs were pretty simple: Look for Fiestaware, furniture, and a few other odds and ends we need for the cabin. We might as well been shooting for the moon. Several weeks ago, we lucked out when we found Fiesta plates at a local thrift store near our cabin for $1 a piece. At every antique store we visited this weekend, they were selling between $10-30 a piece. Now I know some of this stuff is worth the price, but selling contemporary pieces for vintage prices is a fucking dick move! We saw this in a lot of things we picked up, items that were retro made to emulate vintage looks but priced as of original. I Instagramed some choice pieces but overall, our time at the antique row was a bust.
I also feel like I’ve combed through most of the thrift stores and antique markets in our areas and either we’re not getting the right days or I’m missing something. It’s become pretty frustrating.
We ended our pretty busy day out with dinner at one of our favorite restaurants and we both tried something new. The evening was wrapped up with True Blood and some other mindless television before crashing.
So mood – how was my mood. For the most part of the last few weeks, my mood has been pretty steady even and the Klonopin at night has helped taken the edge off. But the edge is still there and sometimes I can feel it like a serrated knife against my chest.
I am so fucking tired. Of being tired. Sometimes I feel like all I do in inhale enough caffeine to keep me functioning for the moment and then I inhale some more. I feel like it’s a lost cause and I want to get off of Lithium so badly but I’m more afraid of the ramifications of going off the drug cold turkey.
x0x0,
Lisa (Day #11)
Wirth Bro[ther]s’ new & greatest all feature combined show direct from America! Lithograph, Auckland, N.Z. circa 1890. Courtesy of The Commons, Flickr.Dear Internet,
A few days ago I came across a chat transcript between TheHusband and I from our early days of courting, circa 2009. There was much gagging going on in my head over the saccharine of the language. Were we really like that? Yes, yes we were. Now, he says, it’s doom, gloom, and despair.
What they don’t tell you, what no one tells you really, is that after you’ve been partnered up with someone for awhile, perhaps you’ve moved in together or even perhaps, you’ve gotten hitched! However the configuration, the daily mysterians of getting to know the other person gets dialed back. A lot. The day to day bits of the relationship – who ate the last of the cereal? Must we have the fan on so high? What’s another puppy? All the daily give and take, the negotiations and compromises – those are never discussed anywhere. It’s all sunshine, unicorn farts, and sparkles. Relationships are hard work and if any writer, nay blogger, worth their salt will tell you, writing about the mundane does not get you hits.
An interlude: Alex Skarsgard taking his shirt off. Because, why not?
When I’m up north, TheHusband and I use our time to do the errands and the jobs that could not be completed over the weekend. Sunday afternoon or early Monday morning, I’m back on the road to GR, the dog in tow natch, to work for the week. Thursday night, I’m back on the road to Throbbing Cabin and it starts all over again. I feel like my life has become nothing more than errands and chores.
This week, however, TheHusband has come home to me for he needs to do some work that can’t be done from the cabin. This worked out well for me because this Friday night, myself and 7 girlfriends are descending to the cabin for a girls only weekend, so the timing works out for everyone.
With TheHusband home, it was to continue the ritual of chores before play. I mapped out our path for the day, starting with getting gas (which was an ulterior motive for getting a slurpee) and ending with antiquing at a few of our favorite haunts. Our dinner plans were to make pizza, using Buffalo mozerella to see how I could tolerate it and maybe see a movie.
Four hours into our jaunt, and no where near completed with our errands, I had to give in and just give up on the day. We moved on to having dinner at one of our comfort places. The rest of the night was slow as I read news feeds and magazines and TheHusband video gamed.
I could not shake the sleepiness, no matter what I did. I slept deeply for nearly nine hours and to top that off drank gallons of caffeine during the course of the day. My energy level remain low, but I powered through what I could, but my limits were apparent and I had to respect that, no matter what my mind says.
Our neighborhood has been going through serious bouts of gentrification in the last five years. An old electrical and heating company building at a corner down from our house, long ago someone had graffitied “life is beautiful” on wall near the roof and it always made me smile when I drove by. Now it’s been painted over and my heart tugs down every so little when I drive by.
x0x0,
Lisa (Day #10)
Johann Georg Hainz’s Cabinet of Curiosities, circa 1666. Courtesy of Wikimedia Commons During the Renaissance, cabinet of curiosities came into fashion as a collection of objects that would often defy classification. As a precursor to the modern museum, the cabinet referred to room(s), not actual furniture, of things that piqued the owners interest and would be collected and displayed in an aesthetically pleasing manner. Collectioun of Cunnynge Curioustes is my 21st century interpretation of that idea.
What the World is Reading 2013 Sampler (Amazon | Google Books)
While at ALA, I was very judicious in picking up ACRs but couldn’t resist this sampler from Penguin. What is brilliant about the sampler is that it gave me bite size chunks of new authors with the downside being that I could not finish the story without buying the book. The first taste is always free.
Out of the dozen or so tales, I was intrigued with three or four of them enough to add them finish later on, but over all I thought the collection was fairly weak.
You can download the sampler, for free, from Amazon and Google Books.
Listening
Now that I’m commuting between Throbbing Manor and Throbbing Cabin, I’ve started listening to my radio shows again. I’m doing a run through of The Castle and Cabin Pressure – both again. Season 4 of The Castle came out last fall and I realised I had not listened to it. And Cabin Pressure? Well bing bong! Next up on the list is Welcome to Night Vale, which has become the new black according to all of my internet friends.
Ice-hockeying women in bathing suits. Minneapolis, USA, 1925. Courtesy of The Commons, Flickr.
Dear Internet,
I’ve been hooked on using IFTTT lately and have been intrigued by some of the recipes that have popped up. One such example is to have a random Wikipedia article sent to Feedly every morning to increase my general knowledge. I thought this was exceptionally brilliant as TheHusband and I play team trivia on occasion and any edge is a good edge. Today’s article was about Thorarinn Leifsson, an Icelandic artist and illustrator whose done a few graphic novels that seem up my alley. Problem is, his site is under construction and his books sites have been taken over by spam. His work has apparently been printed in English, but I’m only able to find German copies at Amazon US and Amazon UK. If anyone has any leads to reasonably priced copies, in English, that would be fabulous.
An interlude:
This morning was glacial, as I dilly dallyed about, spending time reading while I ate breakfast and then continue to read long after the last bite had been swallowed. Work was slow, because no one is around on Friday. I did end up going to lunch with Work Husband #1, which was fun. Sometimes it’s comforting to hear that how I feel about things is echoed by others.
TheHusband came home tonight after spending the last month up at Throbbing Cabin, directing the renovations that have been going on. He’s been luxuriating in all the comforts of the 21st century since he’s been home. We ended up at a chain BBQ place late for dinner and had a really good night. The family, TheHusband, myself, and Wednesday the Pug, were back together again.
Overall, my mood was pretty good and even. Dr. P.’s suggestion of taking Klonopin at 7PM seems to be working. I had my 8 oz Red Bull in the morning, a few sodas at lunch and nothing for the rest of the day. To make sure that my body is not so dependent on caffeine, in the late afternoon, it’s no caffeine. I’m bringing Shirley Temples back.
In other news and world reports, I also applied to write for No Flying No Tights.
Some days, it is all about the banality of day to day life. And that is totally okay.
x0x0,
Lisa (Day #9)
Auchinleck Manuscript – Reinbroun. National Library of Scotland. Courtesy of The Commons, Flickr.
Dear Internet,
I did not so much as leap out of bed this morning in so much as I forced myself to acknowledge that yes, morning was indeed here and yes, it was time to get up. I used to go from dead sleep to out of the house in 45 minutes. But then the ankle surgery occurred and I slowed down a bit. Now with the constant energy drain, I’m positively glacial. Dead sleep to leaving the house is not 45 minutes anymore, it now takes close to two hours. This summer gives me loads of flexibility because I’m not tied to any kind of schedule so I can pretty much roll into work whenever I want to.
But when fall comes, that will be a whole different matter.
And by fall, I mean start of classes which is in about three weeks.
Later
I had the good grace to get this entry started this morning, a running commentary through my head as the day progressed. Let us get the work out of the way first before continuing, and see where that takes us.
On the Wednesday front, she started spaghetti legs again this evening and I’ve started her on a dose of Gabapentin to go with her ‘roids. Like before, it just shows up. She remains as alert as ever, which we’re constantly surprised as she’s 13 years old and you’d think there would be some feebleness to her. Oh, no. She’d cut a bitch for pizza crust, let’s make sure we’ve got that correctly. She’s back to chewing on her raw hides again, which she hasn’t touched in years. It was eye brow raising moment of “Que?” when she picked up this habit again, for she just waltzed into the living room, dragged a rawhide with her (mind you, the same one she’s been working on for 3 or so years) and put a big dent in it on afternoon. Now she does this every night.
This morning, I was up and out of the house within 1.5 hour of waking up, so minor victory! My decision to pre-pack my lunch, pick out the day’s outfits, and get my gadgets in gear helped. Ages ago, I learned the lesson of packing for the day the night before so these are not new introductions to the plan, rather just tried and true ones. Also ages ago, I used to eat breakfast at work, so my lunch bag was doing double time, but lately I’ve been eating before leaving, namely as if I don’t have food in my stomach in and around the time I take my pills, then I start to feel awful and get massive cramps. Eating breakfast at work was to “save time,” but now I found eating at home is faster because I don’t have to prepare and pack more food.
I weighed and measured myself, transposing that into Fitbit this morning. I’m unsure when I’ll keep that active – weekly? Daily? Monthly? Something will naturally occur. I also started, again (always again), tracking my food portions but opted to not finish out the day. My caffeine intake consisted of an iced coffee at 2PM and a 8 oz Sugar Free Red Bull in the morning. I consumed 32+ oz of water during the course of the day and this evening, I’ve been double fisting water and blood red orange soda for I am desperate to not be dependent on caffeine. My food choices were healthy, for what it was worth, and my only indulgence were the aforementioned large iced coffee before I headed to see Dr. P.
My session with Dr. P. went really well, as par usual. The chaos inside my brain seems to soothe a bit after I see him. He did suggest that while taking Klonopin at night was a good idea, it has an extremely long half-life, so I should be taking it earlier in the evening. This means if I take it before bed, as I had been for the last week plus, it has not completely cycled by the time I’m up and at ’em, which explains why I’m groggy in the morning. Then add on the lithium which causes low energy and you have yourself a winner. His suggestion is to take the drug at about 7PM or so, so that it would have cycled by the time I get up, which I’m starting tonight.
(With all the med changes and other special needs I need to be aware of, looks like I’m making another IFTTT recipe. I love this service.)
My mood today, in the morning, was fairly focused as I started getting some work done that’s been woefully behind since I’ve been rarely here. I was still feeling tired for the better part of the day, but it came in spurts. One minute I was fine and then a few moments later, I could curl up and sleep with it disappearing again not long after. Since I took the Klonopin late and I didn’t get a full 8 hours of sleep which is usually needed, I’ll assume this is part of the problem. As I have taken the Klonopin earlier this eve as directed by Dr. P., I will now have a control study of sorts.
While I was fairly focused, I was also feeling very pedanticy, meaning I had this urge to correct and illustrate my awesomeness to everyone. Mainly with vendors. Case in point: I emailed a company that solicited us for one of their products. After going over their website with a fine tooth comb, I could not find the answers to my questions. So I emailed the sales rep explaining I could not find the answers on their site and here were my questions. The sales rep turns around and emails me a copy/paste job of their technical support page. So I responded back that I had already read this, as I had pointed out, and if she could not answer my questions, could she haves someone else do it for her?
She’s working on it, she says.
Variations of this happened with several other vendors today. Is it the fact it’s August 1? Do people not read their goddamned email or understand their products? It just got me really irrationally worked up. But I recognize it’s irrational.
Since my original plan was to head to Throbbing Cabin for the weekend after the session today, it was curtailed as TheHusband is coming home on Friday, I was out of sorts after my session with Dr. P. ended at 3PM. I then got this urge to garden or perhaps use our rowing machine for 1/2 hour or so tonight. Or maybe do both! Also, maybe get some writing done and get caught up on paper reading.
No. No. After beating the exercise and gardening demon back to their black holes inside my soul, the night turned into a lot slower. I was able to clean up some server work and get some digital reading done, but no where near what I had anticipated or hoped. And I’m reminding myself this is okay.
In my session with Dr. P. today, I mentioned the following and about a few other things which I’ll write about tomorrow. I said to him that I don’t know if it is the drugs, or the circumstances, or what, but I don’t like this person I’ve become. While I was never a WILD AND CRAZY GIRL, I didn’t have any qualms or issues about being a bit reckless, or doing things outside of my comfort zone. And now, I’m more often than not, trapped by fear. And that has become the most crippling feeling of all.
Paris Exposition: map, Paris, France, 1900. Courtesy of The Commons, Flickr.
Dear Internet,
I’ve been writing this in my head for days and yet here I am circling the aggressive blinking cursor with trepidation. It begins back when Dr. H upped my lithium dose to 1500mg a day (Two pills in the morning, one in the mid afternoon, last two at night). He soothes that things will change within a week once the drug metabolizes.
And he’s right, it does.
The world clicks into focus a bit better and I do not feel the crushing tiredness that plagued me through most of June. But perhaps it is too soon to tell or it is too late to tell. For the relief is short lived and I’m back to finding myself at a cross-roads, again, with what I need to do.
Or what I want to do.
At my most recent appointment with Dr. H., one where it had been sometime since we had seen each other due to schedule conflicts, my lithium levels were still in the therapeutic range. But all of the symptoms I recounted then in our session in June still exist., the biggest culprit is lethargy.
Lethargy, in any form or from anywhere, is a cruel bitch of a mistress. In my head, I am writing short stories! I am getting projects done! I am curing cancer! In reality, I feel so drained and physiologically exhausted I find myself taking short cuts to save time such as stop washing my hair daily, stop wearing make-up, and pushing off as much as I can to another day.
It’s a relief when daily chores are done because I can curl up in my bedroom and do nothing until I fall asleep, usually to some Britishism. I’m not reading, still. I’ve touched nothing in terms of projects or hobbies.
The days I am home alone in Grand Rapids, when TheHusband is up at Throbbing Cabin, I don’t cook dinner, I graze. I am exhausted walking six blocks to get hot dogs. There are five bag of treats of some sort on the counter, the fridge is full of easy to eat food like hummus and pre-made salads. I have lots and lots of liquids on hand, because sometimes I can’t even be bothered to eat, but I can be bothered to drink.
I medicate my tiredness with Sugar Free Red Bull, starting in the morning and then administrating as needed through the course of the day. Sometimes there is coffee, other times, Coke. Before I could not drink caffeine past early afternoon hour, as a rule, because it would amp me to all hours of the night. Now, I can’t seem to live without it.
There are times I’ve been so exhausted I’ve taken 3-4 hour naps and then still went to bed at a decent hour and slept for at least 8 hours. Then woke up as if I had barely slept at all.
Dr. H’s argument to me is that I’m not taking my Klonopin at night, as I should, to help me fall asleep and sleep deeply and as such, it’s fucking with the rest of my day. Is there some truth to this? Maybe. I’m running out of drugged options here and I’m grasping at straws. I want to have some semblance of life, not a shell of a life viewed through opaque windows.
So here’s the deal: Dr. H. AND Dr. P. have asked me, for months if I’m truthful, to track my moods and experiences, at least daily summary of what’s going on to better serve me and thus them. I haven’t been doing that. My reconstruction at my sessions are faulty at best, which makes for sketchy advice. I am an unreliable narrator.
I have decided, then, after this last session with Dr. H. that I needed to make a change. I needed to change – not me waiting for change, but I needed to change. For months I’ve been darkly hinting like a punk Cassandra that a big THING was going to happen. So maybe part of my lethargy is the waiting for a THING that can finally kickstart into gear.
I miss so much from a life that is just beginning to bloom. So I need to change and I need to figure out how to make these changes to make a real impact and not superficial. It needs to count.
Dr. H. said a week of taking Klonopin at bedtime should help shake out the symptoms from the lithium. It hasn’t. But as I don’t have a clear, written record of what is and is not working, I don’t feel as if I have the evidence to show that it’s not working. Oh, I feel mellow, but my tiredness and energy levels are still in the gutter.
So I’m going to start slow and I’m going to start week by week. The first week, starting with this entry, is to write every day, even if it is only 250 words, how I feel that day. It doesn’t have to a treatise on the condition of modern man, but it does need to be a record of what I’m doing. I may include how much I sleep. What I ate. What I saw.
Each week, I’ll add in something new. I want to start rowing again, to take a yoga class, to swim in a pool. I want to put my Fitbit to work for me instead of just acting like a post-modern adornment on my wrist. I want to cook. And adventure. And a million other things. Friends that are bipolar say exercise helps them immensely, writing helps immensely, talk therapy helps immensely. Remember a decade ago when you were used as a chemist experiment and for a year you felt miserable?
Slow. One thing. At a time. A week.
Then the choice will be easy to make.
x0x0,
Lisa (Day #7)
