Dear Internet,
HEY! My eBook is officially now live on Amazon:
Morning ritual: Wake up, use the facilities, pop contacts in, take drugs, turn kettle on for tea, figure out breakfast. While the kettle is heating up, fill last nights Bopple and also the humidifier. With tea and breakfast in hand, check email, Facebook, Twitter. Respond as necessary
Planned on going to the gym and co-working space but ended up working close to three hours doing prep for so glad is my heart. (SUBMIT! Please.)
Showered and ran errands: Bank (quarters for laundry), Kohls/Macy’s/Penney’s/H&M (futile search for dress shirts for next week), Yankee Candle, LUSH, CVS, post office, dry cleaners. Took about three or so hours
Came home, depanted, lunched, and then napped
Worked on this entry and prepped Collectioun of Cunnynge Curioustes for January 31
Prepped for my trip to Toronto
Prepped the next issue of Skaldic Press Presents
Filed DMCA take down notice because some twat is stealing my work
Bed ritual: refilled humidifier, grab Bopple for the night, take contacts off and wash fash; use the facilities.
Read Fool by Christopher Moore before having a pretty good physical anxiety attack.
This is where the catch-22 comes in, right? I’m feeling not at all anxious, the anxiety hits as traveling pain that feels like I’m on the verge of having a heart attack. So then I actually start getting panicky and the pressure increases. None of my old tricks were working, so Klonopin it is! When I finally conked out, holding teddy of course, it was around 2AM. I then woke up at 4, 5, and 7. That part has been the same since October — waking up every couple of hours. I’m not dreaming because I’m not falling into REM sleep (not the band), but in the first few hours of my waking up for the day, I feel rested. Then I start to fall apart as the day progresses because I’m so tired.
xoxo,
Lisa
Johann Georg Hainz’s Cabinet of Curiosities, circa 1666. Courtesy of Wikimedia Commons During the Renaissance, cabinet of curiosities came into fashion as a collection of objects that would often defy classification. As a precursor to the modern museum, the cabinet referred to room(s), not actual furniture, of things that piqued the owners interest and would be collected and displayed in an aesthetically pleasing manner. Collectioun of Cunnynge Curioustes is my 21st century interpretation of that idea.
Mark Williams plays the titular character, a wily priest who solves crimes in his Cotswald parish. Three seasons are now out and I’ve been bingeing on them during down time.
Mr. Selfridge
Jeremy Piven plays the titular(I like this word, okay?) character that’s now starting its third season in the UK (to be shown in the US later this spring). Lots are going on now that we’re at the end of WW1, but I won’t divulge due to spoilers.
Billie Piper plays Belle, a high class sex worker, who starts at the beginning of the series with a nice flat that she splits between work and play, who navigates her way through the private sex worker world. I binged the entire series in a week and I really liked it. I liked how they had her slowly progressing over her rather humble beginnings and ends up being one of the best sex workers in London. Some things were never really addressed such as her relationship with her family and several main characters came on and were then, within a season, gone. All in all, I would definitely recommend if you need something fluffy to take the edge off a hard week.
BBC’s lavish production based on Hilary Mantel’s best selling book about the rise and fall of Thomas Cromwell. This is also going to show up on PBS later this spring, so again, no spoilers. Overall, the production may be sumptuous but I’m finding it slow and rather boring.
An Amazon original that’s winning awards, I am torn about this show. Many of my trans* friends are unhappy with the production because a trans* person is not playing the main character. I get that, but this is about the beginning of their transformation, so it makes sense to me that it’s a non-trans* person in the role. The show does have trans* characters played by trans* people and there are trans* folks also act as consultants for the show, so that does mollify it a bit. Overall, there is no one character that is likeable and everyone seems to be pretty dreadful (seems to be the new thing in H-wood) with no redeeming characteristics. It’s simply, “okay.”
Another Amazon original, Gael Garcia Bernal plays a wild yet genius conductor who is hired by the New York Symphony to make it more relevant. There is conflict, passion, and absurdity abound, but it feels a bit staged and formulaic. But I really liked it, despite it’s pretentions. Produced by Jason Schwartzman, same dude who did Bored to Death, it’s got some dark humour sprinkled in which I do adore.
Justified
Boyd Crowder is baaaaack. ‘Nuff said.
Galavant
It’s four week, eight episode has ended. For a musical, I really, really liked this show. Like a lot. I loved the modern interpretations of the costumes, I adored the pop culture references, and how the show was one giant ball of satire. I cannot wait for the second season.
10 episodes of what was essentially a Warehouse 13 meets Night at the Museum, it was neither serious but wasn’t really that great either. I know it raised the heckles of some librarian friends because no one apparently had a MLIS, but for what it was, it was good background watching.
Morning ritual: Wake up, use the facilities, pop contacts in, take drugs, turn kettle on for tea, figure out breakfast. While the kettle is heating up, fill last nights Bopple and also the humidifier. With tea and breakfast in hand, check email, Facebook, Twitter. Respond as necessary.
Showered and headed out for my errands of the day. First up was heading to The Factory to check out co-working space. Loved it, signed up for the monthly basic plan (2x a week, $75/month).
After The Factory, headed over to the YMCA and reactivated my membership. YAY.
Came home, depanted. The rest of my evening was floating around on the interwebs, researching markets to submit my work, and the like. Then I found out that I might have to be in Toronto this upcoming week, so I spent time researching flights and hotels.
Bed ritual: refilled humidifier, grab Bopple for the night, take contacts off and wash fash; use the facilities.
Read Clarkesworld and Apex magazines on my iPad. Started a short story in my notebook and pen! (How 20th century.)
Finally, turn the lights out, and curled around my iPad to watch some TV for a bit before finally falling asleep.
Dear Internet,
Interestingly, the top posts on this site are either HOW TOs (whether about librarianship, packing, or whatever) and raw posts about an uncomfortable subject. With that in mind, and as part of ThePlan, I put together a list of things I need to do everyday, no matter how benign. Some I’ve been lackadaisical on, such as meditation, but others such as a single self-affirmation have been in play since I’ve been here.
One thing I wanted to do during this period was two fold: start a series of rituals I would do everyday to create a stable infrastructure and then journal about my day later. I need to see how I’m keeping time and if I need to either add or remove more structure.
To that end, I decided to keep the journal public, so hopefully these will be daily occurrences. This will not replace my usual written vomit on my feelings, but will supplement them.
Morning ritual: Wake up, use the facilities, pop contacts in, take drugs, turn kettle on for tea, figure out breakfast. While the kettle is heating up, fill last nights Bopple and also the humidifier. With tea and breakfast in hand, check email, Facebook, Twitter. Respond as necessary.
Today was divorce court day and there was a chance we would not have to go, but turns out we are. Get dressed (black fleece tights, grey skirt, chambray button down, black tshirt over the button down, brown ankle boots). I showered the night before so all I had to do was fluff hair, put on makeup, and clothes.
Hilarious story: The fleece tights didn’t stay up the last time I wore them, so I assumed it was because of the fabric of the dress I was wearing and that I was actually wearing underwear beneath them (I typically go commando in tights). Test drove them again around the apartment before leaving for court and they were staying up just fine. Except. Except. They started to fall as I was leaving court and by the time I got home, they were below my ass, taking my skirt with it. Good thing I was wearing a long coat.
Head to divorce court, meet lawyer. Turns out the referee agreed we didn’t have to meet but didn’t bother telling anyone, my or TSTBEH’s lawyers. Divorce lawyer and I talk about future steps (mediation, which will be easy peasy since TSTBEH and I are incredibly amicable about this whole process).
Head home and depant.
The rest of day flowed kind together. I worked on book #2 for awhile, read on marketing and promoting as an indie author; cleaned up and submitted a short story (and submitted a short story the day before as well). Applied for volunteer work at GRAM in their library. Eat lunch and dinner. Watched TV for awhile.
I ordered my print proof for my book! YAY!
Prepped for bed: refilled humidifier, grab Bopple for the night, take contacts off and wash fash; use the facilities, turn all the lights off, and hit the hay.
The second reason for this daily journal is also to let those I talk to daily via the intertubes is that I’m doing okay. I’m always talking or texting someone whether it is TSTBEH, TheBassist, Krazy Kate, or a host of other people. I don’t feel alone and I definitely don’t feel lonely. Sure I have bouts here and there, but most of that comes from the overwhelming sense of the enormity of the situation.
I lead a quiet life and I don’t miss the drama filled Lisa from July – December.
At all.
(Let us thank the drugs for that one.)
xoxo,
Lisa
Dear Internet, TSTBEH and TheBassist have been very concerned about my state of well being now that I’m living alone. Others have also expressed concern so it seemed like a good idea to do an update.
I’ve been busy every day with errands since I’ve been here, so I’m getting out of the house. Today is the first day in over a week I don’t have plans or errands to run so I decided that I’m going to couch all day watching Father Brown, and we all know I have a thing for crime solving priests.
I had a meeting with my business accountant on Saturday and he’s suggesting it would be far easier for me to get a co-working space rather than trying to build out a home office (as you’ll see in a moment, there is no space for me to build out a home office). My talking therapist, Dr. P., is encouraging me to not do home workouts but head to the gym. Originally I was going to sign up for yoga at a local place that Bethums have scouted out for me, but I have to go to the Y so I can get walking AND swimming thrown into the mix.
Those two things are on my agenda this week.
Mentally, I’ve been okay. Thursday night I started crying because the enormity of the situation has finally taken its toll. The tears didn’t last long but knowing I was here alone, without two people who care about me the most. I have friends here, close friends, but it’s not the same.
The interesting thing is that I’ve not been getting myself in knots about any of the messes I’ve gotten myself into. And for that, I am grateful.
I saw my GP last week and she’s upped my dosage of Lamictal, so instead of 25mg three times a day, I’m now taking 50mg in the morning and 25mg in the afternoon, and another 25mg in the evening along with 10mg of Abilify. The ability to feel rational and not overwhelmed emotionally has been fabulous. So far, this has been the best bipolar cocktail I’ve ever been on. If this is what “normal” feels like, I’ll take it.
I’ve been on this particular cocktail since November and this is the longest I’ve felt stable. I had some of the cracks starting to show about three weeks ago which signified that the drugs were starting not to work, which is why I went off to see my GP. I have an appointment with a medicating therapist in February to for her to manage my scripts and see about possibly getting on ADHD drugs (again).
Creatively and productively, I’ve been feeling good. When I’m home, I’ve been working on my book(s) almost none stop. I think I’ve calculated I’ve spent 50-60 hours in designing the cover, editing, and more. Working on the print version has taught me a lot about book design and formatting; I have made numerous mistakes getting it just right but instead of getting super frustrated, I kept chugging along. Hence I know the drugs are working.
Last week I had an interview for an entry level IT position for a local corporate company here in GR. This was approved by everyone (TheBassist, TSTBEH, Dr. P.) because it would get me out of the house, interact with humans, and plus make some extra scratch. My budget right now is super tight but this would give me some breathing room.
With my name being dragged in mud due to the lawsuit, in addition to changing my last name, I’m looking at changing careers. It’s been over a decade since I held a pure IT job, so this look like a good entry point and the money isn’t bad.
The first interviewer said this is the first time in his career he’s interviewed a person with a double master’s for the position. No one asked me with my education and background, WHY I applied until it was time to ask questions of the interviewers. Eight candidates are interviewing for three positions.
So the apartment. Here is a tour. Front of the building.
The building was built in 1870 and was used as a hospital in the area and pre-dates other hospitals in Grand Rapids. There are five apartments, which are cobbled together from patient rooms. Though my apartment is #2, #10 and #9 are on my doors. The buzzer doesn’t work and I will have to make arrangements for shipping items, but all and all, the front of the building is gorgeous. Living room from the front door. Living room from Kitchen door. Living room after. Living room from the kitchen door.
The apartment is only 600sqft but it’s cozy enough for my needs. All the mouldings, floors, and appointments are original to the house. The transom windows are adorable but the landlord leaves the lights on in the hallway so light is always shining through the living and bed rooms.
The apartment faces north and west, so I don’t get early morning sun. Even when it’s sunny out, I have to keep the lights on at all times. Mantel of MINIs. (11 in total.)
Most of the furniture and accoutrements are from Throbbing Manor, what TSTBEH didn’t want or was going to sell to consignment, so it worked out. The couch, bed, and TV were bought specifically for the apartment. When I move out, TSTBEH is going to take some of the furniture (mainly the TV, bed, and possible one or two pieces of furniture) for Throbbing Cabin, which works out for both of us.
Interesting, neither of us miss Throbbing Manor. Nearly four years and we don’t miss it one bit. New kitchen – before. New kitchen – after.
The kitchen is tiny, there is no getting around that bit. The oven temperature gauge doesn’t work (yes, I know. Go buy a manual one) and the stove is a bit sketchy. Thankfully, I am a grazer which means my meals are simple and not overly complicated. If I need something more substantial, I have instant meals (soups, frozen, packet Indian, etc) at my disposal. I was planning on crockpotting meals and freezing them but I haven’t bought a crockpot yet but that is on the list of things to do. New bedroom – before. Bedroom after. Bedroom after.
The bedroom is basic and does its job. Teddy enjoys it very much. View of downtown Grand Rapids from my bedroom window.
I’ve started getting into rituals, which after the last seven months, have been a godsend. I get up in the morning, use the bathroom. Contacts get put in; slippers found and slipped on. I turn the kettle on for tea and refill the humidifier so I don’t strangle myself in my sleep from the dry air. Breakfast is procured and then I check email, Facebook, and Twitter.
I plan the rest of my day, which typically includes appointments and errands. I get dressed and do what I need to do; come home and depant. Then I do the household things and once those are done, work. Work on my writing, work on my books, work on myself.
It’s a quiet life. No drama. After the last seven months, it’s a welcome relief.
xoxo,
Lisa
Dear Internet,
If there is any movie that reeks of saudade, it’s Amelie. While I’m busy moping around the US about life’s hard knocks and as if no one has ever had a broken heart, let’s get on with the show.
The Lisa Chronicles Vol 1: 1998 is coming out soon — January 31, 2015. While it will remain free on my site in its original diary form, if you wish to read it in eBook, you can pre-order it from Amazon for $2.99. It will be available from other eRetailers shortly after and also possibly in print.
As I write this, the final draft was submitted last night to Amazon. I am alternately thrilled and exhausted. I have a few pre-orders, more than I had anticipated, so that makes me happy. I did say to numerous people even if I sell just a few books, the fact I created something and put it out to the world means everything to me. (So go buy my book!)
I’m also thinking of doing an audiobook version of the book as a special reward for those who pre-ordered the book, but I need to figure out logistics on how to make that happen.
Something I’m super excited about is that I changed the cover for the book (which is located on your right) and I love this so much more than the previous covers I toyed with. I even went legit and bought the stock photo so I could have license to use it for the book cover.
What I wanted was something fresh and modern, with clean design and also something that did not necessarily look like every other book cover on the planet.
Pre-orders have been slow but they are coming and the fact I have more than one pre-order thrills me. I’m currently working on ways to promo the book and that should start to come to fruition in the next couple of weeks. But yay! Book! Young Amelie eating raspberries from her fingers, just as you should.
I’m still on track to publish so glad is my heart in February and the submissions have been rolling in.
Don’t forget the submissions cannot be any longer than 500 words and the visuals should be relevant to the ‘zines themes. If you would like more information, check out the ‘zine’s about page. Amelie melting into a puddle.
Here are new posts at Exit, Pursued by a Bear from the last time we met:
Circulating Ideas: Episode 58 #code4lib In which I reveal the interviews I did, for the Circulating Ideas podcast, at Code4Lib 2014. Topic is libraries, technology, and gender.
saudade In which I reveal my version of saudade, the art of intense longing.
Collectioun of Cunnynge Curioustes for January 10, 2015 In which I reveal what I read, watched, listened, and liked in the past week. A weekly feature, posting on Saturdays, that I put on hold since August and I am now rebooting.
And with that, I bid you adieu until we meet again.
xoxo,
Lisa
Dear Internet,
My deadline for completing the book for Amazon was January 22 at midnight. I made it with 1.5 hours to spare. It felt like I was back in grad school all over again! But the book is finished and ready for pre-orders. Operators are standing by! Pre-order me now!
From the forward,
Dear Internet,
In May of 1997 I moved, for a boy, to California to gain riches and fame. In July of 1998, having ditched the boy and gained neither riches or fame, I started putting my diary online. I named it The Lisa Chronicles for who better to tell my life story than me? While I didn’t think I was extraordinary, I seemed to continually get into extraordinary circumstances. What I also wanted was the ability to connect to others who were like me: the scared, the frightened, the unsure, the outsiders, and any other group that felt rejected by society. Adding in 1998 I wanted to eat the world, what better way to do that was through the Internet?
What can you expect from the first volume? Love, conflict, obsessions with people, places, and things. Rotating cast of characters and adventures. Sprinkle of song lyrics here and there. Pop culture references galore. Sex. More sex. Profane words and a bipolar girl desperate to connect with a world she did not understand.
While this work has been edited for grammar, clarification, and the obvious typo, it remains largely unchanged from when it first appeared online nearly two decades ago.
And lastly, every word here is true.
xoxo,
Lisa
I have been asked by several people on the process, editing, and WHY I decided to go to Amazon first. Why Amazon
I’ve been following the self-publishing world for about 10 years (probably longer actually). I wanted to do a chapbook or something along those lines.
What persuaded me to go with Kindle (as the first step in the world publishing biz) and ebooks is because:
Your book is pubbed immediately across ALL of Amazon’s global sites
You can set the price and have control over royalties
You have complete control over everything
You can use Amazon’s print service, CreateSpace, to make print copies
Kindle ebooks is available on all devices via the app, so it’s not necessarily proprietary unlike ibooks or nook. iBook is available on Apple devices only and Nook is now defunct. HOWEVER Kindle ebook format is proprietary while iBook/Nook use non-proprietary ebook formats so you can use any app for those books.
Amazon’s reach is bigger
It’s super easy to EXCEPT the cover creator. I ended up spending $10 for an image from iStock and following Amazon’s guidelines to make the one that I thought was far better.
Now that it is safely up in Amazon’s cloud, I’m looking into adding it to iBooks and other eBook locations.
So that describes the whys, now for the process. Process/Editing
Because all of these were journal entries from my online journal, I cut and pasted them into a Word document. I was pleasantly surprised to find the book was 117 pages NOT 50 as I originally thought. 1998 has 51 entries while 1999 has 88, which means the second volume could well go close to or over 200 pages. Yowza.
After the entries were in the Word document, I began the process of creating a style guide for me to follow. This included everything from how to format dates to whether or not I was to use AD or CE when speaking of years to how to format images. I wrote all of this down to refer to as I worked.
While I was working, I also created a separate list of To Do items as the book got nearer to completion, including book bloggers, writing an introduction and so forth.
On the document itself, with a style guide now more or less in place, I started line editing. Line editing, to me, was to read each line out loud to catch missed words or wrong spellings, correct them and also grammar. As you can image, this took forever. I corrected a lot of mistakes but if you go through it again with a fine tooth comb, you’ll find more I’m sure. The reading out loud is an old trick I was taught in grad school since my brain processes faster than I type, so I drop a lot of words.
I did a massive spell check, which took several hours, to correct all common spelling mistakes and to add words not found in Word’s dictionary. I also did a search and replace function to make sure there was consistency across spellings such as cd’s became CDs and so forth. For images, I decided to use tables to place them and decided on a width of each image for singular and multiples. Additionally, I broke each month out like a chapter to make it easier to read.
All in all, I probably spent close to 50-60 hours doing the line editing, proofing, prepping and other work. Now that I have a process of sorts in place, time frame for next volumes will be more based on length of the volume rather than figuring out style guides. Takeaways
I learned a lot about the process of writing and editing a book, which I’ve more or less outlined above. What was more interesting to me was the comparison between 26 year old Lisa and 42 year old Lisa. I discovered a lot of things about myself that were embarrassing, depressing, enlightening, comedic, and shocking. Some things never change, while others, change was definitely a good thing.
While there are a lot of things about 26 year old Lisa that 42 year old Lisa would never stand for, much of who I am today still shines like a diamond after all these years.
I found that,
26 year old me was a classist, racist, abelist, and other -ists that make me cringe today. I decided not to erase those words because I’m not going to white wash my history.
I could clearly see the patterns of mania vs depression in my writing. When I was manic, it was a hot mess of grammar and spelling mistakes, while I was stable or depressed, my writing was a lot more measured.
A lot of my problems then (instability, unable to commit, etc) are still prevalent today. Now that I see the triggers and patterns, I can easily work on them where I’ve been struggling before.
After reading nearly 118 pages, the startling realization that I’m everyone’s favorite crazy ex-GF smacks me across the brain.
Johann Georg Hainz’s Cabinet of Curiosities, circa 1666. Courtesy of Wikimedia Commons During the Renaissance, cabinet of curiosities came into fashion as a collection of objects that would often defy classification. As a precursor to the modern museum, the cabinet referred to room(s), not actual furniture, of things that piqued the owners interest and would be collected and displayed in an aesthetically pleasing manner. Collectioun of Cunnynge Curioustes is my 21st century interpretation of that idea.
Finished Wedding Night by Sophie Kinsella
(Amazon | WorldCat | GoodReads)
You read Kinsella when you want fluffy, not terrible hard thinking pieces. But the thing I’ve noticed about her work is that underneath the marshmallow, there tends to be some kind of point in play that resonates with the reader. Wedding Night is no different from Kinsella’s previous books, in that it involves a madcap character who always gets herself into scrapes and how she ends up getting out of them. For that I’m grateful that when I need something that doesn’t require much processing while I read, Kinsella delivers. It’s a fun romp that really is a meditation of what is love. Recommended when you need something to brighten your day or just want to have fun.
Currently Reading
Chestnut Street by Maeve Binchy
(Amazon | WorldCat | GoodReads)
After finishing Wedding Night, I wanted to continue on with the “doesn’t-require-a-lot-of-brain-power” books and of course I pick Binchy who is anything BUT fluff. Chestnut Street is a series of vignettes that revolve around, well, Chestnut Street. I tend to love titles that use inanimate objects as a character, and this book is no exception to that love. Even within the humour of the book there are often dark undertones of the human condition we don’t want to think about or even acknowledge. The perfect family but the mother is sleeping with everyone. The grumpy old man whom isn’t really so grumpy as lonely. The girl who lies to her family about her living status so she won’t be shamed. I like that you can dip in and out of the book without having to read it straight through as the, thus far, only connection between all of these characters is the street they either live on or are associated with. Highly recommended. Life After Life by Kate Atkinson
(Amazon | WorldCat | GoodReads)
Status: In progress
Wow. I started this book nearly two years ago and I haven’t barely made a dent into it. Interestingly, I have been carting it around with me from place to place as the only physical book in my possession with the hopes that I would someday finish it. New goal for January: Finish this fucking book!
Bagged and Boarded
Emerald Twilight
(Amazon | WorldCat | GoodReads)
Why is Hal bat shit crazy? What’s going to happen to the Guardians? These questions must be answered!
Watching
Now that I’m settled into my own digs, all of my TV watching is going to be done via apps like HBO GO or Hulu+. I’m just going to touch briefly on the shows I’m on this week since there will be a lot!
Banshee My favorite Amish mafia, anonymous anti-hero, Slavic mob influenced TV show is BACK. I am SO. EXCITED. I don’t know anyone other than TSTBEH who watches this show, so please, if you need a show that has fantastic writing, brilliant character depictions, and great plot lines, this is the show for you.
House of Lies They’re backkkkk. Kaan and Associates are back and ready for action. TSTBEH wasn’t a huge fan of this show, but I love the gossipy, stabby in the back feel to the plot lines and I have a huge lady crush on Kristen Bell.
Episodes Matt LeBlanc parodying Matt LeBlanc. Tamsin Greig. A whole rich cast of supporting characters. Screwing with the establishment. Another great show from SHO and while we wait for Game of Thrones, makes Sundays seems a lot more bearable.
Constantine No one seems to know if this show is canceled or not, at least as of late November. I, however, like this show. I adore Matt Ryan in the titular role and I like the weekly artefact/mystery building. It reminds me a lot of the old Friday night show, Friday the 13th, which ran in the late ’80s. I really hope this show gets renewed for another season.
Marvel’s Agent Carter Strong female lead? Check. Great clothes? Check. Great lipstick? Check. Kicks major ass without the Cap’n? Check. Has a male sidekick? Check. This show is so much WHY we need more female superheros in leads and less about the mens. This is also one show I will totally sign anything to get renewed as a proper series AND will be buying the DVD.
Galavant I am, typically, not a fan of musicals but I do love fairy tales. With that in mind, I was a tad skeptical of this show but ooh boy, am I ever glad I’m wrong. Subtle pop culture references galore, catchy lyrics, absurd yet fun plot line. Timothy Omundson and his magnificent beard! I plowed through the first three episodes in one sitting and I’m hungry for more.
The Musketeers The boys are back! Slightly kitschy, a titch of ridiculousness, but 100% fun.
The Librarians And of COURSE I’m watching. Wouldn’t you?
Dear Internet,
Can I just tell you I find it a leetle bit hilarious that I’m wearing my Captain Canada tshirt while wearing Agent Carter’s lipstick today? Consider I was crying over my breakfast earlier about not having had my teddy bear in almost a month, well, any bit of laughter is better than none.
TSTBEH and I have concluded my drugs need to be adjusted, but it is going to be some time before I can see my mediating therapist (about a month). I see my GP in the week following of my arrival back to GR, but she will most likely just renew what I have and not make adjustments. Thus, I need to keep it together for another month. While I know I can, here’s to future epistles on navel gazing from yours truly. Oh. Joy.
I’m not all over the place like I was before the drugs, thank fuck, but the cracks are definitely showing through and it’s making me feel uncomfortable. Mainly, I feel unmotivated, listless, and tired all the time. To prove how tired my body thinks it is, the other day I had 1.2L of hot coffee, a glass of iced coffee, two venti coffees while we ran errands, and I still fell asleep watching TV later that afternoon. With that much caffeine pulsing through my system, one would think I would be wired and bouncing off the ceilings.
One would be wrong.
I haven’t worked on my line edits for TLC project in awhile (I will regret this, I know) but I have been working on another bit of the project and one pattern emerging from my work is that all of my existential crisis’ start in the fall and go through winter. Every major break-up, bold moves, and the like always happened during the fall/winter months. TSTBEH pointed out that part of his depression was ruled by the lack of Vitamin D in his system, which he now supplements with pills and he suggested, and I agreed, that I should get my Vitamin D levels also checked to see if I’m having the same issues. This was also, incidentally, brought up with TheBassist shortly before TSTBEH suggested the testing. As both men present as physical depressives, I surmise they may be on to something.
Bearing in mind I’ve cut off all contact with TheBassist (which coupled with #teamharpy business meant I deactivated my primary Facebook account and started a secondary, non-Bassist filled, one using my potential new legal name), TSTBEH pointed out I should cut off all contact with him in addition to TheBassist. I heartedly agreed because what was right for one must be right for the other. TheBassist was aghast that I wanted to do this self-care work alone while TSTBEH is in fact encouraging it, but with trepidation. Both men feel that my being alone could be problematic in that I could get wrapped into some kind of manic cycle, and I see their point. But the fact and truth remains I need to pull a Gabor and fix me before committing to anything or one.
Even with all of this going on, in my head and in my heart, I am over the moon about my apartment and my things (hellllooo teddy). My stuff. My garbage. My shit. My dirty laundry. I’m excited about laying about in my own filth and not having the worry that I am impeding on someone’s time. I’m thrilled that all of what entitles this sojourn will be laid on me and me alone, that any decisions or processes I require can be forged by me and me alone.
So even when I’m crying for TheBassist, or pining for TSTBEH, or in desperate need of a kiss that will never come, I will do all of this in the luxury of my own place.
xoxo,
Lisa
P.S. Today’s title comes from the now defunct radio show, Cabin Pressure.
