It is officially after midnight, and thus it is officially Friday July 17th. I still haven’t gotten used to the Bay weather as of yet.. the fact that right now it is in the mid 50’s and cool in the middle of summer seems preposterous to me. The other day, I was sitting on TJ’s floor and Dave, Drew, TJ and I were discussing where we came from (geographically) and comparison to the Bay area. The irony is that almost everyone there decided we all missed snow.
My eye is feeling a lot better then it was this morning, but it still is tearing up and is red as hell. I ended up falling asleep whilst I was attempting to read Of Human Bondage. Justin came home from work at about 7pm, bearing wild flowers for me. 🙂
God, I wish my eye felt better. I was so ticked off as Justin and I planned on having an official “date” this evening, going to the Fine Arts Museum, and I end up getting pink eye. blah.
The irony of “dating” whilst living together is numerous, to say the least. Neither one of us expected to have this happen all so quickly, but it did, and here we are.
I swore after the charade with Christian and Danny that I wouldn’t live with another lover for a long time, and then I realized that it had been about a year.
One of my biggest fears is this whole relationship ideal: I don’t have a fricken clue as to what I am doing.
What I had realized is that with my introduction to the ‘Net, in 1994, I had not dated anyone, literally anyone locally since Alan. All of my relationships (save a few quickies) were based off of meeting someone from the Internet. Danny (whom I met and dated in 1996) was a failure, and I knew that wasn’t going to work regardless. Thusly I realized that the reason I was “successful” in on-line/LDR and not “day to day” ones was the easiness of control, ability to remove myself and to present the “best” side of me. I had instilled in my brain that I was going to end up being a crotchety old maid, and I was literally living like one. Having Justin look at me, pink eye and all, and telling me how very beautiful I am is scary.
I’m still grappling with my emotions over all of this, and I have attempted to distance myself away from him, but!, something inside of me is telling me not to.
My friend Jane from work has this rad web page, and I was spending a lot of time reading her stuff the other night. In one of her commentaries, she mentions about how this boy she was in love with, Neil, wanted her (paraphrased) safely locked away in America, and he wasn’t able to deal with the reality of her being there in England with him.
She had hit the proverbial nail on the head with that quote (paraphrased), and I realized that is exactly the same situation I had going with Jeff. It made, in my mind, (finally!) good fucking explanation of why Jeff was such a tart to me. Finally, seven months later, I could make some peace with myself and not feel like so insecure about myself and about my body. I have (yes!!!!!!) finally let him go.
It still doesn’t clear up matters about several different things, and I wonder really how much better I am for it. But Justin would say I was obsessing about things again, and I can’t be doing that.
(If you at this point have taken a look at Jane’s website, and notice similarities, yes, I did “steal” ideas from her. She knows about it, so it’s all good. I just love the design as it is clean and easy to read, and since she and I have similar interests, so :P)