Author: pookiebear

hell

what subjects that you are in hell:
http://www.mtv.com/onair/osbournes/
or
nlog
why i need to read my e-mail more often
from a laurell k. hamilton e-mail that was sent from her publisher:

Would you like to read A CARESS OF TWILIGHT before it’s published & tell
us what you think?
If you answered Yes, send an e-mail message to delrey@randomhouse.com
with the subject “CARESS-review request.” Include your snail-mail
address. We will choose twenty readers randomly from all the requests we
receive. The deadline to request an advance reader’s edition is midnight
on February 19; books will be sent out immediately thereafter. Reviews
are due back to us by March 19.

and I read it today, the 20th.
the gods hate me, I know this to be true!
CopyCats
So I post the random teen blog generator at 12:03pm and then check my friends list later on to notate that they have now started putting it in their LJ.
damn people, get your own schtick! this is all mine.
I love you all still.

five year plan

i wish there was a way to transfer the entries from my head to my computer without me having to actually type it, because you know, my life would be so much more easier that way. I could sit there and dictate my entries (like i do, in my head) and you know, life would be so much more fun. well easier for me anyways.

high and dry

i used to think creating the titles of my entries were the hardest part of writing and now I’m thinking it’s more like the actual intro.
it is hard, you know, to write something and get dialog going within your head and then putting it out on paper (which actually is just bits and bytes since I’m doing this via keyboard and a text editor, and what not).
i honestly don’t know what’s wrong with me and i don’t have sarcastic repartee in my head that gets me going.
i don’t know what’s wrong.
i wish i had the magic eight-ball to shake and say ‘what the hell is wrong with me?!?!’ and get an answer, but life doesn’t’ work out that way and i can’t say that i blame it.
i used to get so wrapped in fantasy from reading books/movies that i used to half think my life was a sitcom where everything got neatly wrapped up in 30 minutes or at the end of the last chapter and that what i was experiencing was merely the epilogue.
and in the interim, I’m on 900mg of lithium, 100mg of Serzone, 200mg of wellabutrin plus i have some anti-psychotic drugs that I’m supposed to use whenever i get angry. Woah, i realised part of today’s issue is that i went down on my Serzone! woo!). But the drugs isn’t the issue, it’s ‘deep seated issues’ i have and why I’m so fucking angry. But here is another thing, I’ve had these ‘deep seated issues’ for forever and a day, and i always felt okay with myself — even if it was ‘deep rooted’, but it was my deep-rooted-ness and i could deal with that, because i still had a personality and it was mine.

happy xmas eve

Today was one of those days where I went to work and got paid to goof off, eat fudge and smoke a lot.
Have I mentioned the horrors of my company? No? Well they cancelled the holiday party this year (some poor soul tried to set up a holiday potluck in our department but no one signed up…), health care has been detained for open enrollment due to “funding” and they even took our GODDAMN VENDING MACHINES! Free coffee went out the window as they are now replacing them with coffee machines (hence why our vending machine was removed — needed room for the coffee machine). Bonus structure has been rearranged. And the sad part? That MY department does FIFTYSIX PERCENT of the revenue for worldcom. Yes. It’s true. I say the company stats. WorldCOm has been in the black for the last three quarters and they are penny pinching to the point where you can feel the collective sigh as the holidays approach.
fucking eh!
So today was a waste.
They kept all of Wcom open but we yelled down “hello!” down Main St. (the main large hallway that connect all the buildings) and heard an echo back towards us. No one called us, as most businesses are closed or closing early on the eve of the holiday. So I did a site audit on myself and basically ate fudge, wrote personal email and smoked whenever I could. A friend of mine who works in a different department is a part-time Rabbi and he said it’s been pretty slow where he’s at as well.
So I left the joint a few minutes early and drove to the grocery store as Paul said he wanted to make creme brulee for dinner tonight (there are three of us and he’s cooking like there is 12..) and lemme tell you, the one if not the MAIN ONE reason I hate the holidays is how effing rude people get. Look, I’m sorry YOU waited to the last minute to get your xmas shopping done, food bought and gifts wrapped but don’t take your anger out on me. One of the reasons that people get so pissy this time of year pisses me off. I’m also a bit miffed because I had asked a friend of mine what she and her family would like for xmas and she said “instead of three small gifts can you just get me one expensive gift?”. I’m perturbed that she had the audacity to /ask/ it in that manner. I don’t mind helping someone else out but shit. I still haven’t even gotten gifts for my closest friends and now I feel effing OBLIGATED to get this thing for her. Feh. It angers me, as you can probably tell. But I don’t have the balls to tell her “no, sorry, can’t do that” because I already promised her we would. We being a few of us who are doing this. Paul’s all pissy because he’s like “well they don’t treat us well, xyz, why should we buy them something?” And I can see what he means — to a point. but I don’t quite, I can’t quite say no.
I’m not in the mood to write anymore. Haven’t been in awhile, so I’ll be back when I have something more worthwhile to say.
Happy Holidays.
x0x0x

warm weather

the warm weather is making everyone cranky.
At least here in Northern Virginia.
We’ve been having an un-seasonal spurt of warm weather, which naysayers are saying is due to Global Warming. It’s been in the high 60s and low 70s for nearly two weeks now and it’s scary. December should be the month for chilly weather, boots and fires. Not me wearing pedal pushers and flipflops.
Maybe it’s the drugs I’m on, maybe it’s because the holiday season is drawing to a climax, regardless of the reason, I’m a bit angry that the one year I want to celebrate xmas and all the trimmings, it feels like we are living in Miami.
bah. humbug.
[Originally published at LiveJournal]

busy as a bee

I never did finish my NaNoWriMo novel, but congrats to the people who did. I had issues, matter and concerns happen in November and it was perhaps the overwhelming stress of trying to be wonder woman that I just threw down my lasso of truth and said ‘fuck it’.
modgirl.net has been nicely updated, much more than my LJ, which is fine. My new project was installing and using the patch for greymatter to add all the old entries in my journal and use a database instead of doing it singlehandedly. If you want to read the past, be my guest. I suppose I have this fetish that I need to get this completed sometime in my life. I have this fantasy where my children will find the web page and get a better understanding of my life. Nothing like living in the ether.
[Originally published at LiveJournal.]

shadow boxer

I slept for nearly 12 hours last night, but I had earned it. I had taken a five hour nap Sunday afternoon and had not gone to bed until after 4am Monday morning. I managed to function on a few hours of sleep and by going to work and was thankful that I had to leave at 2pm to go see Dr. B. for more drug follow up.
She’s changed my meds again so that I’m taking 25mg of Effexor and upping the Serzone to 375mg, which is not even close to being the actual medicated dose, which is 400 or 450, I forget which.
Last night I was sitting there thinking about my friends, both online and off, and their reaction to me. Except for a few emails from a few people who read my journal, everyone else just left me alone. I had not thought of whether or not this made me sad, more than I was disappointed. But I realized, that I really am a tough person to get to know, and it’s fucking hard as hell to approach a conversation with someone who just spent eternity on writing about suicidal thoughts and cutting themselves. How the fuck do you approach that?
You can’t. Even I know that.
But it’s hard though, because I feel like I have to start from point A to start learning social niceties again from the very beginning. Somewhere, back in my past, prior to puberty I would suppose, something changed in me and that brought forth everything that has happened. But I learned that even memories can be deceiving when talking to my mom about the petite mal seizure I had when I was 3, because for nearly 20 years, I thought it was grand mal, which makes a difference.
I always remember being scared, and I cannot remember a time when I wasn’t. I remember I always had to prove myself to someone or something, to say “Hey! I’m here! Hello!” and I don’t know why I did that. I remember, silly as it seems now, when I was living in Toronto that after going to the movies with my dad to see “Pump up the Volume” that I had stood at my window looking at the Toronto skyline and talking into a mini-recorder. I am too easily influenced and some would even say I was horribly naive.
But I suppose that is part of my charm.
When I was getting ready for work yesterday, I realized that I didn’t want to have a kid now because the state of my relationship or my age, but I didn’t want to have a kid now because of the state of my mental relationship with myself. I did not want to put my child through the BS I am going through simply because that to me would be cruel punishment and the cycle would start all over again. I couldn’t let that happen. I realized that my relationship with Paul wasn’t the problem but it proved to myself I had to be somewhere, inside of me, in a grounded place before I could move on to the next phase in my life. I cannot be angry that if it takes me forever and a day to finish school or if I’m 35 when I have my first kid. I just want to be secure in myself and financially before I bring a brat into this world.
Andrew said recently that out of those he knew, i was one of the few (including himself) that he could imagine not getting married or having a child. I suppose I did agree with him that the idea did seem ludicrous at the time, but, the thing is, I do want a child. I want a little girl, and genetically, if the patterns in the family keep on trucking, the first child I have will be a girl and there is an 80% chance that she’ll have brown hair and brown eyes, and basically look like me as I looked like my mother and my mother looked like my grandmother and so on and so forth. I have dreamed, for a very long time, that this child would not grow up in the kind of life I did and all my mistakes would be rendered negative simply by her birth. I almost feel, amusingly enough, that this child would be the second coming to me.
I’ve been at a crossroads for a few years now in my life and I’ve been coasting. I know this. But I did make a lot of changes by getting my ass out of Michigan and out of San Francisco and moving on with my life. Emotionally though, I feel like I’m still in the same place where I was when I had left Michigan nearly five years ago, but I know I have grown and it’s just in minute ways but I have grown. I do not feel almost 30. I look at successful women in their 40s and 50s and realize that I do have a long life ahead of me. I look at my mother as a supporter and a figure of hope because she did go through a lot of fucking shit and she’s still surviving (and even talking about dating again! woo!). But the ties that bind us also seem to gag us and I need to start taking small steps to make that work.
Right now, Dr. B. thinks (and I agree) that I need to work on inner self first before making any major changes in my life and I agree. Some of the stuff seems to work like taking classes online and putting together small goals but I cannot do everything at once nor should I be expected to. But I do have to prioritize and figure out which way to go first.
With that, I bid you a good morning and a happy day.
Lisa

drugco

It’s 3:15am Monday morning, and like all good boys and girls, I should be in bed sleeping. Instead, I stayed awake fretting over the slight idea that my electricity was going to be cut off tomorrow (it’s not) and the added fact that I had a five hour nap lasting until 8pm this evening also did not help.
I’m still struggling with the fact of the amount of drugs I’m taking on a daily basis. Dr. B. says we have to work on my issues one at a time and she’s adding bipolar/manic depressiveness or ADD/ADDH to the mix because apparently while both are similar, I also exhibit symptoms of ADD/ADDH but apparently some of the underlying issues with learning disorders also clearly show to be like bipolar as well. Like how Anthrax has “flu like symptoms.” Bad connotation but you get the point.
I remember, five or six years ago when our GP put me on Prozac and I woke up every morning with suicidal thoughts. Apparently, I am one of the very few that had that kind of side affect happen to them. I think Dr. B. mentioned that Lithium and it’s derivatives are the same way, but the point is to remember it’s the medication and not how you truly feel, which is also my strong point. I’m too fucking stubborn to die. I take my anger out in other obtuse ways, like chopping off my hair (I did mention that I used to pull my hair out in huge clumps when I was pissed back in the day, didn’t i?), dying my hair, getting pierced/tattooed and shopping. When I’m angry, I spend money. heh. Yet I still look at my bookshelf and think I don’t own enough books. I cleaned off my desk while I was getting bills together this morning and found a book I had purchased over a month ago and forgot about.
I keep straying from the point.
So about five or six years ago, GP puts me on Prozac and i felt like a zombie. I did not feel like “me,” i felt like someone who wasn’t me but was sharing my body. I did not know who that person was, but it was pissing me off. I did not feel the highs or the lows like I was used to and that angered me. I wanted to feel the highs and the lows, but that would require me to be off drugs and it seemed everyone wanted me to be on drugs.
It was then and there that I swore that I would use holistics, therapy or other ways to control the body chemistry and not use artificial means. But after having panic attack after panic attack for months in the summer of 2000 and feeling like you were dying will change that in you.
Dr. B. asked me why I was so defensive. heh. I spilled out words to her about growing up in my family and school and what i was like. I was always effing alone when I was growing up. That’s how i felt. I didn’t have many friends and I didn’t have very man confidences. There was me, my books and reading.
Paul was pretty adamant about me going on lithium because he said it was addictive and that he had family members who could not get off of the drug. I asked Dr. B. about it and she said that lithium was not addictive and that really, none of my meds were except klonopin. Even then, because while i have an addictive personality, I’m so afraid of being strung out on drugs or alcohol, I refuse to put myself in that situation. I hardly every drink — last time I had beer was on 9/11/2001 and prior to that was Paul’s 21st birthday. I cannot even remember the last time I did illicit drugs. It does nothing for me. Growing up in an alcoholic family will do that to you, either you become this almost fanatic about alcohol and drugs or you succumb and do it yourself. I choose not to succumb and kept my mouth away from alcoholic pleasures for quite a long time. I won’t say I don’t drink, as I’ve been known to imbibe in a few yummy alcohol laden treats a few times in my life, but I don’t use alcohol as a crutch. Never could get over some of the taste and the smell of whiskey always reminds me of my dad. I never could date anyone who liked drinking whiskey and coke, because that to me along with a few other smells reminds me too much of my father.
I’m still fucking angry at him dying on me. I’m still pissed at my mom. Dr. B. says that I need to let the hurt go and I was almost shouting “I want to! I JUST DO NOT KNOW HOW!”
I don’t know how.
Wish I did.
x0x0x
lisa

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