Author: pookiebear

NaNoWriMo

So,tonight Paul and I are on our way home when I start telling him about doing NaNoWriMo. I will be the first to admit it that I may not finish and that I may not even get somewhat done, but damn it, I want to be able to say I tried. Now, the thing is he said to me something that was unencouraging — and I don’t remember what it is off hand. But it really made me sad (which sounds trite but true) and he said something along the lines of “Well, you have had all these opportunities in these last few months and never followed through” (uh — huh?) and then he went on how it wasn’t my fault and he was encouraging me and that I hardly write anymore — well I DO write — quite a bit. I write to myself in paper journals and I write to friends and I post on all the boards that I’m on. I’m one mad writing fool. I was just fucking pissed that he said that shit to me. This is exactly what I mean by what he doesn’t even have a clue to what I like to do and what I’m about.
Goddamn.
I’m angry.
But yah. follow my progress here on livejournal or here.
x0x0x
Lisa

house of leaves

kara was mentioning on emphamail about this book House of Leaves and how it’s fucking with her mind. ana was talking about it as well. All the time I keep thinking “goddamn it, that book looks/sounds familiar” and sure enough, buried under my other ‘to read’ books was said book.
I’ve started reading and yes, it does fuck with your mind.
frightening.

sonohysterogram

I know you were just sitting there today going “you know, i really need to know what a sonohysterogram is and i really need to know why you would want one.” i bet you even wondered what the procedure was like! well sure folks, I’ll be more than happy to help!
nothing says loving like having me laying on an examination bed, feet in stirrups and the lower half of my body totally exposed waiting for a doctor to shove a two foot catheter up my cunt to find out what the hell is wrong with me. that, i suppose is a bit more detail but hell, your in luck, you are getting more.
the procedure is where they take the ‘probe’ (this is what the nurse called it, I’m not kidding) that’s about two feet long and looks like a dildo with an a/c adaptor. She threw a condom and lube on the probe and inserted it into my vagina. From that point, I could see the internal walls of my uterus, my ovaries and you know, it’s just not the most attractive sight I’ve seen. After probing me for awhile and taking pictures, she removed the probe, had me relax and wait for the radiologist to come in.
His job was more fun. He got to take a speculum, open up the entrance to my vagina, then take a 2 foot catheter and shove that through until it hit the opening of my uterus where the endomitral opening was. There is a small balloon at the end of the catheter that he inserted that they use an syringe full of water to expand. The balloon will start to expand slowly the opening of the endomitral wall and so they can peer inside of my uterus. Now, after having the catheter shoved in, we find out that the speculum they used is ‘too small’. This is something every girl wants to hear right? That she’s gappy? Remove catheter, remove speculum and repeat procedure. Once they started injecting the water, i feel water running down inbetween my legs. It seems that my uterus is contracting and won’t allow the catheter to enter. Repeat procedure again. Still no go. OH! did i mention that they shoved the ‘probe’ back up there to watch all this occur?
Now you are probably wondering ‘lisa, that sounds masochistic’ and you know what, it is and your right. Now why would I choose to have this procedure done?
Polycystic Ovarian Disease (PCOD/PCOS) is very hereditary in my family. My maternal grandmother had ovarian cancer and gave birth to 12 children with one ovary. My mother had PCOD and was told she could never have children. I show all the classic signs of PCOD/PCOS and so at first I had to take blood tests. Turns out the tests were a false negative because I was on the pill when I took them and they would regulate my hormones. Go a few months without birth control and then they redraw the blood. Go back to the Ob/GYN and find out that the tests were still normal and nothing odd was showing up (ie thyroid, diabetes or testrosone). Doctor suggests the sonohysterogram to see physically if there is anything wrong. My periods are messed up for the lack of the better word and i betcha that it’s all caused by stress.
I bet you even wanted pictures of the procedure. I even included those in the email. Aren’t i just sweet?
http://www.webmd.com/infertility-and-reproduction/sonohysterogram
Now if you will excuse me, I’m going to bed.
My cunt hurts.
x0x0x
lisa

today and everyday

this won’t be posted on my site, and in fact, after making it plaid (and earning blog babe of the week), it’s been interesting to see that more my life becomes more complicated, the more i choose NOT to write it.
oh, it’s the twine history of mine, it is. you’ll notice (if you wish) over the last 3 years of steady journal writing, I’ve skipped over large periods when really GOOD stuff was going on — you know, the drama, the intrigue, the etc.
stuff that makes life.
what I’ve been thinking about actually, is that in the last few weeks or so, my heart has been aching. not medically but emotionally. i feel pain. pain is good, is it not? it, at least, renders us alive and verifies that we can feel. i know why i feel pain, and there are many reasons why I’ve been feeling this way but lately, it’s nothing i can talk about seeing as when i have discussed it, shit got fucked up in a major way.
looking at my life from the other side of the fence, it looks pretty damn good. I’ve got a great job (and I’ve been there two years — stable in these Internet times), i live in a great apartment, drive a brand new car, make decent money, and I’ve stated this before.
usually when writing online, i was never afraid to make it known who i was — i was me. lisa rabey. I’ve fucked up a lot, loved a lot, did a lot and was never afraid (so i thought) to show it. i wanted the attention, I’ll admit that — I’m human. Paul’s been saying this a lot. he’s been saying how much i want to be adored and appreciated and loved. I’m an exhibitionist in a very true sense of the world. i climb high, and damnit, i want you to watch me climb and if i fall, i want you to feel my pain and make me feel paid. i want to be able to have that kind of power over myself and over others. i want to control and be controlled.
I miss a lot of things. I miss Danny. I was walking around target with my neighbor Chris tonight and they have all the Halloween decorations up. He loves Halloween like Paul loves Christmas. what the fuck is it about the men that i love that love these holidays? Paul has started, since October 1st, playing Christmas music and watching Christmas movies. he says it gets him in the mood, and i say, that it drives me batty. Don’t get me wrong, i love Bing just like anyone else, but Paul takes it to a new level. I bought a T-shirt at Target that says “evil” on it. Because frankly, that’s how i feel.
i have this uncanny ability to wall myself up and for a long time i wasn’t even allowing myself to feel everyday things. i worked like a robot. this is what you get get get get get. i felt myself like a princess enclosed in a castle with the fire breathing dragon waiting outside. YOU MUST PROVE YOUR WORTHY before i will let you in.
before, I’ve said this. before everything.
the world is this mix and i used to think i was the blender. i could shake up a martini like no ones business. but it was my own special mixture. now i feel like I’ve left out a few of my own ingredients and i have to find a way to piecemeal it back together again.
hubris. i like this word.
long ago, and far away in a bedroom on Paris ave in the city of grand rapids, i still have the vivid imagery of writing in longhand with a shelf over my desk and desk light illuminating the room. flash forward a few years and I’m sitting at a desk, with the same type of wall-fabric, with a shelf over me and the desk light being the only illuminating object in the apartment. but now instead of sitting there writing with a 50 cent pen on 2 dollar notepad, I’m writing in a cracked email program on a 2000 laptop (that i have bought for 600).
i was to have grown, but i seem in many ways not to.
it was there where i wrote and it was there where i wished. it was before i met Danny. before i had gotten myself a computer. before a lot of things.
perhaps i am afraid.
i have become distracted by things that have happened while i was writing. i have often found that chain smoking creates yellow stains on the walls and water not only is a diuretic, it also cleans your face.
Today was Paul and I’s two year anniversary.
Could you tell?
lisa

hot money

Spam keeps getting funnier and funnier.

From: Bank_of_Caymens@excite.com
To: lisa@simunye.com
Subject: Money is WAITING for YOU!
Date: Thu, 11 Oct 2001 13:43:30
Dear customer,lisa,
Notification for Payment Received!
This email confirms that you may have received
a $16,000.00 Commission Payment for August 2001

amusing spam

Spam I got today. Apparently it’s old school, but hey, I’m old school to!

—– Original Message —–
From: “Comfort Sombongo”
To: Sent: Monday, October 08, 2001 9:35 PM
Subject: Investment Pact
> Compliments,
>
> With a humbled heart I commit myself this day to write and ask for your benevolence and kind consideration of my plight for assistance. I am making this contact on behalf of my family not minding
> the consequences but hoping that you would understand our predicament and come to our aid and assist us. I would also kindly apologize for any inconvenience or embarrassment this might
> cause your person, as we neither know each other personally nor have had any previous contact or correspondence.
>
> I am Mrs. Comfort Sombongo, wife of deceased Colonel Bernard Sombongo, who was Deputy Director of Finance and Budgetary Control of the National Union for the Total Independence of
> Angola (UNITA) rebel faction of Angola. He was execution by the orders of Dr. Jonas Savimbi on the 13th of April 2000 after an attempted defection from the UNITA movement. He was assistant
> to General Daniel Fuma both of whose activities centered mainly around the diamonds flown to Europe, through her connection in the London’s De Beers Central Selling Organisation (CSO) to
> dealers contracted to UNITA. The revenue from these trades was basically used for the funding of UNITA’s activities.
>
> Considering the ongoing intensified civil war between UNITA and the government in Angola, my children and I had to relocate to a nearby town in Namibia in May of 2001 after my days of
> mourning were over through the assistance of some UN Officials where I am currently. From amongst my late husband’s confidential documents as I went through them in August this year, I
> discovered a Certificate of Deposit with some other documents to the effect of a set of two boxes formally lodged with a Security Firm in Accra Ghana. A personally handwritten memo by my
> husband addressed to me indicated that he had ordered the Security Firm to have the boxes moved over to their Agent in a European country in February 2000 with order to have them released
> only upon presentation of relevant documents.
>
> As indicated in the memo, there is a total of US$27,500,000.00 (Twenty Seven Million Five Hundred Thousand US Dollars only) as the real content of the boxes, which was done so as to
> disguise the real content thereof for security reasons.
>
> With due respect, I seek your kind assistance in the collection of the boxes containing U.S. $27.5 million from the Security Company’s Agent in Europe. You will be entitled to a 20% percentage of
> the total sum as both compensation and also to cover any miscellaneous expenses incurred by you in the course of this transaction and the remaining therefore to be personally managed by you
> on my behalf. It is my sincere conviction that you will handle this transaction with absolute confidentiality, maturity and utmost sense of purpose.
>
> I am therefore soliciting your assistance in terms of logistics and materials to collect the consignment from the Security Firm’s Agent in Europe as the consignment have incurred a substantial
> amount of demurrage. All documents concerning the consignment are intact with me. Upon an approval response from you to assist me in this endeavor, as a fund manager for this fund, the
> evacuation process would immediately commence as all machinery are in place for a smooth transaction.
>
> If you are capable and ready in collecting and investing this fund on my behalf, please contact me immediately through my alternative email address at sombongo@excite.com for immediate
> action.
>
> Thanks for your anticipated understanding and cooperation.
>
> Yours sincerely,
>
> MRS. COMFORT SOMBONGO
>

here there and everywhere

paul and i got into a huge argument the other day about livejournal.com. he got all pissy because he couldn’t understand why i had this AND modgirl.net. I was like “um, this (livejournal) is for on the fly adding of stuff that doesn’t fit at modgirl.net” and he got angry. as if you haven’t been reading between the lines, we’ve been fighting a lot and I told him i wanted to leave and get my own place — which resulted in a day long argument (which, we did completely over irc – ohh the irony) which resulted in nothing being accomplished. I got in touch with a couples shrink and we have an appointment on wednesday to start working this shit out. he doesn’t get it and i’m sick of explaining this shit to him.
this weekend was rolling stone type weekend for me. i went to the tool show on friday and then turned around and went back to DC to see Tori last night. Heather and I nearly froze our asses off walking from the Metro to the hall, but the show was fantastic. I’ve never seen Tori preform live before, and while I like her music, I’m not obsessed with her like i know some people are. She’s witty in concert, commenting about her new baby. We missed the opening act (Rufus Wainwright), but I was fine with that. Tool had some alterna teen band open for them, and I missed that opening act as well.
For Tool we had box seats, which were pretty decent BUT the particular box we were sitting in had the speaker diagonal to us so it blocked sexy Maynard from my view. But Tool rocks as I’ve seen them twice now. Once in 1996 with Danny and then this past friday. For Tori, we had orchestra seats stage right. About 15 rows back. It was a small venue and i could see Tori’s facial expression. I ran into one of my old friends at the hall (surprise surprise since I’ve only lived here for two years) and I forgot she would be there. We no longer speak, but I had this urge to go say “Hi.” Why I have no idea, but I suppressed this urge and didn’t say anything. The damn seats at the hall were small and built for teeny tiny little waify girls as I had to stretch my legs out to the aisle to get comfy. Then of course there were the obviously ‘freaks’ which were the females who go to Tori’s shows, pretend they were lesbians and take it from there. Why is it that both Tool and Tori had the very stereotypical people there? Why do I harp on this shit?
I’m feeling weird. LIke I miss someone/something and I don’t know what it is.

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