never be lost

Dear Internet,

Never Be Lost
I wanted to make sure I could always find my way home.

The unforeseen future was approximately 23 days. Despite my rational breakdown on leaving, I missed this place. This place is something I have created, maintained, and nurtured. Cutting myself at the quick, now on reflection, seems a bit hasty.

Being hasty has been my go-to for nearly a year and definitely not something I want to keep on repeating. Because really, look at where it’s gotten me. Plus, leaving behind nearly 1200 posts? What was I thinking?

(As the trolling has slowed down to a damned near drop here and there, I’ve reinstated the contact form. Comments will remain off, forever and ever. Amen.)

Time is running out on this rabbitry of a life, for I will finally settle in one place after moving around every other month for the last year. Sure, I’ve momentarily got my own digs in Grand Rapids, but I’m never there more than a few days. Sometimes if I’m full of time, a week.

I’m thrilled and terrified about this next adventure but I am mostly upset with myself re: ThePlan. Both my fault and circumstantial, I have been struggling with maintaining some kind of status quo on my daily routines and failing. This is no fault to my hosts who’ve been the closest to me during all of this time, more like my own pure laziness.

Which leads me to something else I’ve been musing.

Even though I’ve been ensorceled with a cadre of people who love me during this nervous breakdown of a time, I do spend a lot of time in my head.

It’s nice here and we have cookies.

A pattern that keeps emerging in my thoughts regards that my platonic relationships are cyclic. Sure, I’ve got some long standing list of people I’ve known for ages but in the day to day routine of it all? In one location? Almost none. I see bits and pieces of my former lives on Facebook — they have moved on while perhaps I have not. I get it, I do. Where I go, drama eventually follows and truthfully, if I’d look out to my life from the outside in, I wouldn’t want to hang with me either.

Some of those people are toxic or perhaps we just grew away from the other, but in this beige time that is beginning, having a local support system would be grand. That has been, almost singularly, what I fight for and if I’m honest, also against. It’s tragic and textbook: terrible childhood, seeks to embiggen social life or hide from the world. I’ve been running so long that it is perhaps time, yes, I’ve said this before and will say it again until I get it right, to stop running and enjoy what I have. Being stripped of everything in the last year, from the dog to my job to my hearth and home, has drilled in that my previous life was not so bad and now I have a chance to rebuild it all over again for what I crave doesn’t exist outside of my own head and it’s time to stop fighting.

xoxo,
Lisa

P.S. Boulder Prep is using this site as part of their resources for a module on online autobiography. Hi!

This Day in Lisa-Universe: 2014

x-posted to Medium