[pfp] search and destroy

Lots of people have been asking me, “how was Denver??” and the most I could tell them was, “great!” or “good!”

But no descriptions or adjectives to describe what was going down.

Why did I, the prolific of them all, clam up?
Especially when it comes to the uber personal crap, which is my forte.

Because here is the deal, shit in Denver wasn’t all that great. Some days it was downright awful. Lots of things were going on: Patrick and I were both sick. One of his bosses had just left Denver the morning I arrived and kept him on a tight leash all week He quit his main job due to personal stress and conflict of interest half way through my trip. My hormones were on fire from the BC. Things were terrible at some points and okay in others.

As I was explaining to darkdepths tonight, the problem with voicing what happened that week on LJ has it’s ramifications, because even if I prefaced with the background I just told you and then told you the facts of what went down, people would be calling for blood — his blood. You, my dear readers as my friends, would be asking why the hell was I still with this man?

Now, before you get panties in a twist, he didn’t beat me, abuse me, cheat on me, rape me, or any other horrible things. He didn’t drink while I was there nor did he do anything that would warrant a lynching. But I also knew, as it were with how we hear stories, save for a minute few, none of you have met Patrick. So even if after all that I had to say and I defended him, I would sound like I needed to be thrown on Ricki Lake or else I was just fooling myself.

Patrick and I talked about what went down before I left. I voiced my concerns and he agreed that I was right and he understood where I was coming from, but that didn’t take away from what had happened. All my defense modes were on and as of right now, I have zero idea where this relationship is heading. I still don’t feel like the problems have been resolved (to me) though he feels differently, he really wants this to continue.

This isn’t really about love anymore, but about if we have what it takes to make it work. The problem (or not) about this is that I know where Patrick is coming from. I understand why he does the things he does and why he sometimes treats me like I’m an object and not a person. I understand from his past why he is emotionally closed and unable to communicate his feelings. I’ve expressed that to him and I also realise that a good relationship takes time and effort from both parties but it’s highly unlikely in this case when we are 1100 miles away and the only time we have together is destroyed because of other issues rising.

But as darkdepths pointed out so wisely, it’s not a matter of him merely understanding what I’m saying but he needs to change several things about his tune if he wants to keep me. But I also know that things have to cool down a bit, work is still crazy and he has an old friend of his (male) in town staying with him. So, we’ll see.

There you have it.