just because

This first appeared in F.U.C.K. as volume 0401

for the hundredth time today i had to walk a “system admin” through installing components on his machine. for the hundredth time today i have had to explain, albeit patiently, that the internet is not down and that the person was dialing their own phone number.
i had to remind yet another person that email is not to be used for transferring large files. i am sick of people customers emailing me asking me for help, when i am at home.
i am burnt out.
i am emotionally tired.
getting up for work is getting to be impossible. I want nothing more than to snuggle deep under my comforter and not move. i want to re-read everything that i own, and spend inane amounts of money on books and just read.
i want to paint.
i want to shrug all my responsibilities and just paint. i have NEVER told anyone of this but i want to go to art school. i know that i will be at best, okay, but its something i want to do.
i want to create.
i want to sculpt, get messy and relax.
i want to be free.
nothing is -mine-. This realization has come to me as of fairly recently.
i have always slept in someone else’s bed, lived with friends/lovers/parents. used their dishes, watched their television, listened to their problems. nothing speaks of me. i always felt like a guest. even now, in the house i share, the only thing that speaks of “me” is the plai trunk in the living room, and the diet coke in the fridge. I am still ruled by my parents 2500 miles away, who buy guilt trips now that my brother is out here in California for college.
my responsibilities have always been to pay rent, council friends/parents/lovers, run errands, take care of them, shop for them, do their laundry and clean their house. it was my ‘responsibility’ because i lived there.
i want to take care of ‘me’ and no one else.
i have never been ‘free’.
i want to garden.
i have been admitting that as of late, this gardening urge. when I was a small child, we had a ‘garden’ that ran the length of the house in the backyard. and i loved to play in the mud. loved to watch the flowers i planted grow, watching the them bloom. it was so beautiful. when se7en and i lived together, it was always an argument when i bought wild flowers. “You said you hated flowers.” how very wrong he was.
i don’t want to be responsible for anyone’s problems. i don’t want to be responsible for someone getting to work on time, for going to appointments, for paying their bills.
i don’t want to be responsible for keeping them from loneliness or for entertaining them.
i know what i do want.
i want someone to appreciate me for me. To brush my hair after I take a bath. To play chess with me. To run naked under the moon. I want someone I can read to, who will surprise me “just because”.
i am tired of being aggressive. i am tired of being the one who is the cold hearted bitch. i am tired of always leading the way.
i want someone to kiss me first.
i want to be courted. i want to be appreciated and i want to be loved.
for me.
i hate California.
i hate the constant sunshine. the constant shallowness of just about everyone i have met. i hate the weather and i hate where i live. i spend most of my time after work locked up in my room. my few attempts at getting a social life are still brewing slowly. but. its not the same.
i miss being back east.
i miss the weather changing.
i miss snow.
i miss the smell of the crispness of the air when it was changing weather.
i miss how strong i felt when spring came around, as if i was being reborn.
when i came to California in may, everyone was told something different. maybe some day, i will tell the true story, but all you need to know is i had to get out. the chance was offered, so i took it. i had to get out of Michigan, and the oppressiveness and the death that surrounded me there.
here in California! dreams came true. mine became a nightmare. i was alone, scared, and afraid. ‘just come home’ danny said. ‘i can’t!’ i cried. i can’t admit failure to you, to everyone, especially to me.
you can never escape your problems. things here were, at best, a flop. i smiled and said ‘its okay, im fine’. when they weren’t. no one knew the intense loneliness, the almost weekly crying, i never cracked in public.
i couldn’t crack.
sometimes i get so alone, that the only one worth talking to is me. how could i possibly explain my situation to someone, and have them laugh in my face. it wasn’t worth the humiliation.
no matter how much i hate it here, i won’t regret the move. the only reason that i will not regret is because of what i have learned since i have been here.
i am responsible for no one but me.
i don’t have to do anything i don’t want to.
i am not a whore. i am a person with feelings/desires/dreams who has every right to demand to have those things fulfilled.
i am not someone whose only good for ‘computers and sex’.
i am a not as cynical as i thought i was.
my god, how innocent i am. i laugh when i think about it. street smart,
maybe, but innocent all the same.
how naive i can be with my big mouth.
i am tired of saying ‘should be’ instead of saying ‘could be’.
i am making plans once again.
i am moving.
away from California i will fly. no more San Francisco for me. the people here are too hard too shallow, too materialistic. it is reflected everywhere. i am tired of running for something that isn’t me anymore.
i don’t belong here.
i don’t know where i belong, but it is not here.
i want to be somewhere that fits me. maybe Boston. maybe new york. maybe
Atlanta. who knows.
anywhere but here.
i am tired of pretending.
i am tired of pretending everything is okay.
its not okay.
i am 25.
THIS IS THE ONLY LIFE I HAVE!
i have been thinking about this for awhile. letting close friends know.
i want to move back east.
i want to have my OWN apartment.
i want messy towels on the floor, dishes piled up, and i can’t complain
about it to no one because its MY responsibility.
i want to shut off my goddamn computer and live.
i want to go on a real date with someone who could careless about my past.
i want to be suprised with flowers.
i want to kiss someone at my front door and then walk inside alone.
i want someone who will call me just because they missed talking to me.
i don’t want to deal with email, IRC or anything remotely having to do with computers.
i want someone to play chess with. to go to plays/operas with. i want someone to go to concerts and to discuss THINGS with.
i want someone to seduce ME
to talk about our interests, to both love the same things. i want someone
to tell me i am beautiful.
just because.
i want to look at someone and say ‘i love you’ and mean it. REALLY MEAN IT.
i don’t want to be waylaid into guilt trips with the ‘no one has loved me
like you’ crap.
i am so sick of that.
se7en did it, danny did it.
michael did it.
fuck you guys.
not one of you knew crap about me. and never took the time to ask.
i bet not one of them could guess my favorite book, movie or song.
what my favorite meal was, or what kind of perfume i wore.
I AM NOT YOUR MOTHER AND I WILL NOT TAKE CARE OF YOU!
i refuse to be in destructive relationships because ‘you love me’ shit.
i am no longer giving my love away freely. now it has to be earned. and if
i die alone with nine cats, then so be it. i am not longer letting my
priorities slide because someone “could” be the right man. and if he is not,
i will not try and change him, I will not try and “work on him” i will
just let it go.
i refuse to be be guilt-tripped into staying with/sleeping with anyone
because of ‘your feelings’. Aren’t my feelings fucking important? Yes,
they are!
no more sister, nope, not this chick.
no more.
i have decided to go celibate. no more half assed romances, no more blind
dates. no more lust ridden affairs, where after you fuck you look at the
person and go “why the fuck did i just do that for?”. no more hanging my
heart on my sleeve and looking to make it work. no more phone sexing ex’s
because of reminicising old memories.
i am cutting you all off.
i have always had dreams. i have always let my dreams slide because i
didn’t think they would fit into real life. and that was my biggest
mistake ever.
and i will not pay for it any longer. i will not continue to hurt myself
or deny myself anymore.
i want peace.
so i am making plans again. i am going someplace that *i* want to go to. looking at schools that *i* want to go to. getting a job because it *suits* me instead of being saddled at an ISP doing tech support. and i won’t be yelling at customers all day because i am bored, and i am tired. and looking out my window at the gridlock of cars coming off the bay
bridge is MUCH more entertaining then talking about network topography.
i want to slack back into my dreams.
i want to reach for my goals.
for me.
just because i can.
– Simunye