downpour on my soul

[Note: This was the very first piece I wrote and published online, probably on GeoCities, in 1996. I was 23. It was originally hand written on nearly 30 pages, the original I have misplaced.I remember it took me hours to transcribe it to digital format. This is by far, one of my favorite pieces I’ve ever written. I’m extraordinarily proud of it.]

Station break
These images wont leave my mind.
Standing in Chad’s room. I am wearing his shorts, which are too big for me,
that are hung low on my hips. I lift my shirt to show him my freshly pierced
and clean naval. Ecstatic that I had finally done it, he leans forward and
leaves kisses around the piercing. I stretch out and run my fingers through his
long glorious hair. He looks up at me and tells me he love me.

Commercial 2
DeMoNBoX’s friend came on channel today. When I asked politely how everyone is,
he tells me Robert is back with is ex gf. The same one he left for me. Why
does this NOT surprise me?

Commercial 3
“One” is on the radio. JR and I are slow dancing to the song.

Commercial 4
Matt has arrived in Grand Rapids.
After many drinks, we are in the motel room. I am naked from the waist up. My
skirt is barely covering my nether regions as I sit on Matt’s lap. Dark eyes
into dark eyes. He tells me he could be with me forever. He has never loved
anyone like this

Commercial 5
Glorious wonderful Andrew.
He has asked me to marry him.
Should I accept?
“I will be the first. I want to be the first. I am first.”
He says that I am the soul of his creations.
Should I believe him?

Commercial 6
I am rotating my navel ring.
I hear creaking up the stairs.
Parents are in bed.
It’s not my brother
I stand in the doorway, waiting to see who it is
I am not afraid
It’s Nate, coming to get something for my brother.
Nate then proceeds to tell me my 7′ foot brother is renegotiating to get back
with his 5’3 gf.
They have been together for 3 years
Story of my life: Tall guys and short chicks.

Commercial 7
“How do u know Andrew is your soul mate?”

Commercial 8
JR-discussion last summer.
“I had lied. I had thought you were different. Then I left school and realize
that there were people like me.”
A phone call a few months later
It’s JR
“I was wrong.”
It’s too late, I am with someone else now.

Stop the tape
Chad- “You used me and you lied.”
Matt- “Don’t be so self-righteous.”
Greg- “Why can’t you pronounce Oregon?”
Mark- “I’m married and I have a gf.”
JR- “I think a part of me fell in love.”
Jeff- “Where have you been all my life?”
Andrew- “Love you lots darling!!”

Another scene
Hair’s wet and plaster to my scalp. My face is a-glow and damp. I had just
made love to Chad in the shower. After sending him to bed. I trot downstairs to
visit with Sass.
Sitting with her on-line, Lee suddenly appears in #Easteden. I have not talked
to him since I left school few weeks previously. I tell him I am in Pittsburgh,
with Chad and Sass. I also tell him I had just made love to Chad.
He gets jealous.
Wants, in detail, how Chad makes love.
“Does he have a big cock?” he asks.
We go to war.
Lee confesses that he fell in love with me.
I am what he dreamed of. My fault for being who I am today.
I am confused.
Sass leaves me alone.
Lee wants me to fly to Seattle to be with him over my up-coming spring break.
He wants to take care of me. He wants me to be naked at all times. He whispers
how he wants me to be his sexual slave, to be available for him at all times,
regardless of where we are.
Did I mention that Lee has a BA in Philosophy, MA in English and is working on
his Ph.D. in Metaphysics?
My face gets flush.
My heart quickens.
He said maybe one day we could be friends.
I abruptly run upstairs.
I strip my clothes off and crawl into bed with Chad.
Chad turns around and grabs for me like he always does when we sleep.
Curled up, spoon fashion, this 6’3, 220lb man holds me to his body like a doll.
I kiss his forehead.
He wakes up
We make love

February 17th
I am no longer in contact with JR, Greg, Matt or Lee.
Browsing on DalNet, I join the only populated channel.
They ask for age/sex check
I hate that
I type it in nether the less
A most deranged man starts msging me.
We go to war
Holy shit!
He has a brain!
And he is 23/m
He asks for a picture of me
I get one of him first
Wow! What a babe!
Wow! What a stud!
He demands that I e-mail him
I take his address, blasÇ I might add
Next day, I get on DalNet.
No e-mail from the Rabbit
I see him on the channel
I whois to verify
I wonder if he will msg me?!
He does
When I msg him back, his away notice says “waiting for the babe!”
I chuckle
He gets angry! I gave him the wrong address!
No I didn’t, I promise
I e-mail him to show him that I didn’t lie
I get bombarded with e-mail
We talk the whole day
Next day
I find him again
I start msging him
No response
He’s whooping it up on some channel
He told me he was SHY!
Fuck it.
Next day, more e-mail
We meet again
No mention of the day before
We get cyber married that Thursday
War of emotion
War of feeling
He challenges
I challenge right back
Party Hardy!
Rock and Roll!
Drink a fifth
Smoke a bowl
Too many emotions.
I say things
I question my ability to love
Do I love Andrew?
Do I mean what I say?
Yes I do, I love Andrew

My god!
I looked at my watch
I have been writing straight for over 3 hrs
My ashtray is full of butts
I count the pages

My hair has completely dried. It’s too thick.
Smoke keeps going up my nose.
My hair hangs in my face, its natural wave making designs on the paper.
I can’t SEE!
I push it behind my ears.

I’m home from Texas
No, I don’t want to talk about it.
Chad is no longer ircing
My fault
Matt and I became friends
He’s living with the woman he left me for
Andrew speaks about coming here to be with me everyday
He wants me to meet Thys, his friend from DalNet.
I meet Thys and his wife
Thys is from South Africa as well.
He fell in love with an American Girl
After $10,000 in phone bills and nearly a year of talking on the net, he moves
to the States.
Thys helps us with what I must do, what Andrew must do.
Immigrations has gotten tighter
Andrew has to go home
It’s late for him
Thys invites me to meet his wife. Ask her about what she went through
“Oh! Your Rabbits girl in NY! He’s told us so much about you!”
“NY? No, I’m sorry, I’m in Michigan.”
“Oh. Perhaps I have you two confused with another couple.”
No, sorry….Thys said the same thing to me..
“No. Tell me how long have you known Andrew?”
“Well, (I lie), that is how long I’ve dated Andrew.”
“Oh well..I could be mistaken.”
Quickly I think back. Andrew told me when he had been planning to move here, to
NY no less, when we first met.
I asked Andrew directly.
No comment
I e-mail him
He e-mails me back. Tells me he met a young woman last summer on IRC. Never
been more than friends. She helped him out with his depression.
Hmmm…something is not jelling here.
Now he tells me he last spoke to her in November. We met in February. Thys
says he first met Andrew in January. But yet he and his wife knew about Andrews
‘girl in NY’. Yet Andrew tells me she is somewhere in England.
Does this make sense?
I don’t mention it anymore
He seems genuinely upset

Chad! Chad! Chad!
God damn you to every living hell.
Emotionally exhausting me.
The day before I left for Texas, he tells me he loves me so much that it hurts.
He wants to go kill himself. I grow tired of his behavior, I try to ignore him.
I can’t. We talk. He tells me he loves me so much. Wanted to call me before I
No, no no Chad.
“I know what you are doing, you are trying to make me hate you…I cant. I love
you beautiful.”
Oh god…my heart rips in two.
I meet Andrew, break it off with Chad and am going to Texas to meet Robert.
I should be hung

Best to block it out of mind.
All I can remember is walking into Austin International crying.
I was going home.

4 hours of writing.
I can’t stop
Gotta keep going.

A Dino Pez dispenser is in front of me.
Bought as a peace offering for Chad
Never sent it
The candy still sits in my drawer

Find out Sandy is going to go see Chad.
Goddamn him!
He is yelling at me about Andrew
And here he has been talking to Sandy the whole time
He says you got to understand, she was there when we were fighting
Besides you have Andrew

Or do I?

Friday April 19
Andrew surprises me with a new animation design for my homage. Elated, I tack
it up all over the place.
He needs to talk to me, will do it via e-mail.
Matt shows up
Andrew then tells us the news he was going to e-mail me with
Andrew got the job
Matt breaks out the champagne
I ask for a beer
Andrew a coke
I propose a toast
Adept says that there better be tears in Andrews eyes after that toast. Andrew
is a lucky man.
Andrew points to a tear in his eyes

Glycerine is on
Reminds me of Chad at his apartment in Pittsburgh.
We are lying in his bed.
He is so shy about his body
It’s late at night. We are snuggling together.
The radio is on, Glycerin comes on. We are giggling like mad children.
Legs interlaced.
He’s holding me tight.
His bed is so small. The pooh bear I gave him is on the floor
We sleep like that all night
I wake him up like that, making love to him.
“Mmmm…I love you baby.” he says.

A piece of my hair falls from my ponytail. It falls down the front of my face.
Its tip tickling my lips.
I haven’t been kissed in a long time.

After Andrews received the news of the record contract, I am elated.
He told me earlier that the news was good for me.
I asked him more about the job
The bad news comes
He has to go to Jo’berg for the job.
A month.
He will not have IRC access
He cant or wont be able to talk to me, except maybe e-mail.
I panic.
I ask him if he will see his friend Val, who he met on IRC, while he is there.
Again no comment
“Lisa, you must understand. This will bring me the money I need to get there.
I told you I’d follow you to the ends of the earth. That is my decision. I
love you.
I’m doing this for you.
Everything I do, I do for you.”

Blast from the past.
I am 19
A man I had met when I was 17 and had dated on and off re-enters my life.
We had last parted on bad terms
Friends tell me he is in Guam
I get the number
I call
His roommates answer
When I left my name and number, the roommate asked me if I was ‘the’ Lisa.
He knew who I was!
Seems Miguel spoke about nothing but me.
Miguel calls me back
We talk for hours
We conclude we are in love
He is working on bringing me to Guam
I call on night.
He is drunk
He proceeds to tell me that he has just made love to a 40 year old woman
He knew, I had, at that time, relatively little sexual experience. Not the sex
goddess I am today
“Everything I do, I do for you baby.”
2 weeks later, I meet Alan
Through a network of friends, Miguel finds out.
Flies to GR from Guam, with a return ticket for me.
I stay in GR

Excerpts from Jars of Clay’s song, “Flood”
“Rain rain on my face
its been raining, raining for days
My world is a flood
Slowly I become one with the mud”
“Lift me up
when I’m falling
Lift me up
We can dive in
Lift me up
I need you to hold me
Lift me up
Keep me from drowning again”

“You are my brown eyed girl!
Do you remember when, we used to sing:
sha de lallalallallallalalalalala ti da
sha de lallalallallallalalalalala ti da
sha de lallalallallallalalalalala ti da

It’s late. 1:30am.
I’ve been writing nonstop for 5hrs.
I am emotionally and physically tired
This must get done, tonight, for its going on the web tomorrow
My brother walks in
I look at him
Black stuff is under his eyes
I peer closer
The boy is wearing makeup, including lipstick
Theresa, (the 5’3 gf) had done that.

“Aeroplane by the Chili Peppers.
First heard it in Pittsburgh
Chili’s the restaurant.
Chad and I went there after I got my naval pierced.
Did you take Sandy there Chad?
Don’t tell me. I don’t want to know
Chad and I feed each other.
I was in the bathroom cleaning my navel ring, a woman walks in
Saw what I was doing , turned around and left.
Chad and I were there for awhile
Chad was yelling at me because I was so stubborn on seating. I wanted smoking
section. Chad said he didn’t care. We waited for 1/2 hour plus. For a table on
Sunday night while others went ahead of us. I was convinced it was because the
little fluff chick was eyeing him. She was all of 17.
“All the women want me”
Yeah Chad, I know.
Even as a joke, I knew that it was true. We’d go out, I’d watch the women watch
him. I asked him if he thought of other women. “Guy stuff” he called it.
I laughed.
Friends would tell me that he would get on really late at night and talk about
me, how much he loved me. How beautiful I was. How much he loved me.
He was always drunk when he did that

Anonymous quote from an anonymous source-
“A Chad in Pittsburgh is worth 2 Andrews in Pretoria”

My cat Chester just walked in
Biohazard once asked me if anyone had told me how feline I was. No I replied.
He sad think about it, you use words and gestures, like frisky and purring. My
movements are similar as well. My mood is like a cat, very picky and very

I asked for but never received a collar. The idea of being petted appeals to me.

Am I finally running out of thoughts?
Gotta keep writing and revising.

2 pictures of Andrew are taped to my computer at the Collegiate. Someone keeps stealing them
I have more
The staff, particularly Les, is convinced I am copying the photos from a
No, sorry guys, I really know him.
Heather reads a few of the letters Andrew has sent me, to prove he existed.
“Wow! He really loves you Lisa!”
“Yeah, I like to think so.”
“But I don’t believe he’s coming here. I’m not saying that because you can’t
get a guy like Andrew, but it’s just that …..he’s gorgeous!”
Wonderful ditzy Heather! I love ya, but fuck you.

A recent letter from one of my oldest friends Shelly-
“I’m glad to hear that you have found a new man(Chad)! But shy…that doesn’t
sound like your style! Well, I guess it would counteract with your
outrageousness so that you would go good together!”
Fuck, I need to write to her more often.

Andrew and I got into our first fight, serious fight a few weeks ago, over a stupid package. Since we had meet, he started putting a package together for me. Elated, I did the same. and shipped it off. I told him 8-10 days at the most. He received it in 10 days after I sent it. It is now April, the package
he promised to send in February is not here. We argued heavily.
“I goddamn love you Lisa”
“I want this package to be the greatest thing you have ever received. I want it
to be birthday, Christmas, everything rolled up into one.”
He sent the package on April 4th.
17 days later it is still not here.

My friend Jen (Ed in chief of the Collegiate) and I went to a bar called Jimmy’s. While walking through the crowded bar, I stood tall. 6’1 in my boots. I dwarfed over 99% of the females and 50% of the males.
As I go get our drinks, 2 guys are in front of my, dressed preppie. I hate
preppie guys. The one in front looks behind his friend and into my eyes. He
whispers to his buddy, “Look at that babe behind you. She’s hot!”

Andrew just told me how much he loves me.
Seems that now that the word of him having a gf is out, and that he is dating
again, all the women are calling him.
He says I’m the reason he doesn’t go out on the weekends.
He doesn’t want to break their hearts; he’s too loyal to me.
I think my heart broke a little more.
I miss him so much.

Sherry says I’m intimidating to men. She says its because I’m too smart or too
intelligent. Jen (ed in chief) says I look like I have always something to
prove. Perhaps

November 1995
Washington DC
Jen (ed in chief) and I get all dressed up to go out to dinner. I’m
uncomfortable in a skirt. I hate skirts. Jen says I look fabulous. Walking arm
and arm down Connecticut Ave., we are dressed to kill. We are both wearing
black leather jackets, my darkness contrasting with her blondness. Our short
skirts showing off our long legs.
Guys are driving by, hollering and whistling.
Jen and I laugh.

I‘ve been writing for 6 straight hours. Its now 2:30am.
I calculate the time difference where everyone is at:
8:30am for Andrew. Morning darling.
A kiss?
Hehehe..go brush your teeth darling
2:30 am for Matt, Chad, Jeff and Mark.
Night guys.
Let me tuck you in
Okay, Okay Mark, I will let your wife tuck you in
Here’s Pooh Chad. Don’t rip his head off please.
Here’s Sebastian the bunny Andrew, take good care of him please.
11:30pm for Greg. I know you are having fun, don’t do what I wouldn’t do! *wink*

The mighty KC.
Hey Chad!
Yeah, you!
Remember we were driving to Sass’s, this song came on. You covered my eyes to
shield me from Taco Bell and giggled about it later?

21 pages.
I don’t think I will get all of this on the web tomorrow unless I type really

Matt and I got into an argument while we were dating. He said not everyone wants what I have.
Ohh, but your wrong Matt.
Recall when my so-called friends laughed at the idea of you and I getting together.
When they saw you, they went after you with a vengeance

You and I had gone to a club with Sherry and Rick.
I remember what I was wearing. A pair of blue jeans and a formfitting cream-
colored short-sleeved turtleneck.
We had spent NINE hours at the mall. (Word of caution, I do not like the mall)
We got fairly drunk
I would go dancing while you watched
Oh yeah baby, I’m different
I don’t bump and grind to the music
I make love to it
I have been raving for a few years now
Other people move out of the way for me
You just watched, jack and coke in hand
My father is an alcoholic
That night you smelled like my father
Later on I asked you to slow dance with me. You would not
You later walked up to me, and started feeling on my ass
Moving your hands up my body
I was talking to a guy friend. You got jealous
You turned me around, running your hands up and down my body
From my crotch , over my stomach, feeling on my breasts.
We didn’t care
People were watching
Later I had helped you into bed
200lb man I got undressed
You wanted your boxers
You cried for your boxers
I struggled and got them on you
I took care of you that night
While on the phone with Sherry, I alternated between getting things for you and
smoking a cigarette.
You almost cried
You said that no one treated you that wonderfully before
While gossiping with Sherry, you kept talking.
“I can hear you , you know!”
“Shut up Matt. Go to bed!”
Men are like children.

I just got the weirdest reaction to this page so far.
I had given Chad the url, I wanted him to know, why I do the things I do.
I did not expect a response from him.
I did not expect anything from him
I asked him if he read it when he got on-line, he said no. I said please, you
don’t have to tell me
He said maybe
I said look, if you read it or not, fine, you don’t have to tell me
He didn’t say anything.
Then he told me he read it
He was so ANGRY at me!
Calling it slander!
Getting all fired up about it
Look Chad, punish me if you want to, but not till you read the rest of the

I had never been kissed on New Years Eve.
I was damned and determined that I was going to be kissed
Never having seen Chad before I met him, I had no idea what to expect
When I saw him, my mouth dropped open
He just radiated sensuality from his long hair to his full lips
Nervous, I walked in. He was working on installing a modem
Hank and I helped
Up the narrow stairs we climbed
He refused to look at me
I wondered if he didn’t like me
I was wrong
My one night stay turned into 5 days
At Sass’s party, people were giggling about us
We had gotten lost on our way to Sass’s.
A normal 1 hour drive took us 3 hours. Rumors flew around that it was due to

I gave him head on the way down.
We stopped to make love.

It was neither. I freaked while driving. We had gotten lost. Chad held my hand the whole way while telling me to stop singing. He often commented on how someone with a voice like mine, I still couldn’t carry a tune.
My heart problem had started getting worse. I ran upstairs to get my meds. I had forgotten to take them while I was at Chad’s. Ripping apart my bags, I found my pills. Once ripping the cap off, the pills went flying around the room.
Chad sat me down on the bed and picked up all my pills off the floor
He sat and held me till the pain went away

Getting ready for said party, Chad walked in while I was putting on makeup,
something I rarely do, Chad looked at me.
“Your too beautiful for makeup, you don’t need it”
Sweet Chad
He loved me so much.

Chad loved me so much that after I left Pitt the first time, his previous interest called and phone sexed him.
Chad loved me so much that I heard rumors about him wanting Bridget’s sister.
She thought he was hot. But what does a 17 year old girl compare to a 23 year
old woman?
I knew whose bed he’d be in
But the flirtation lasted after I left

3:30 am.
I am emotionally exhausted.
So darling Andrew, dear Andrew
You have toyed with me
Teasing me about Val
Telling me when she’s on the phone knowing…..

Chad grabbed me and kissed me at the stroke of 12.
This is going to be the best year of my life

You destroyed my trust Chad
I had loved you so much

Alan and I were on our way to Jen’s house.
Zipping along the highway, I asked him if he had ever thought of kissing another
For you see, I had thought about kissing another man
That bothered me. For I loved Alan
I was confused
How could I be so in love with Alan and yet want to kiss this guy?
Alan replied “I thought about fucking Todd’s gf.”
Todd’s gf (whose name I can not remember) was tall, blonde and perfect.
Aghast, I stayed silent
Jen said I was being stupid
Alan loved me so where was the problem?

Some months later, Todd’s gf walks into the store I worked at.
We started talking
The night Morrissey made a surprise appearance in GR, Alan had wanted me to go,
but I had to work.
Seems that since Todd and his gf had broken up for that day
Alan asked her out
Alan and I were still together
When Alan showed up later, I asked him about it
He changed his story five different times
I sighed

Mark wanted me to talk about him.
Yeah Mark, I do love you.
But I’m never ever leaving Andrew, he deserves my respect, my loyalty and all of
my love
Mark told me he wished things could have been different
It’s gone to far
You will always be my friend Mark, I just can not love you like you want to be loved.
You know I love Andrew
I can’t give him up
I can’t ask you to give up your life for me either
It’s unfair to your spouse
Andrew is free
Andrew accepts me
No matter how I hurt to get to the truth
Andrew is what I have been waiting for all of my life
For you see Mark, I could not have written this without an Andrew in my life.
He is the one that pushed me to do this, to air my laundry.
No one has ever done that to me before.
Andrew is my life!

Three days after Christmas 1992.
Alan breaks up with me
I am an emotional wreck
At a New Years Eve party
I drink too much
I get too high
I pass out
Alan called, asking about me
Few days later we go on a date
Sitting at the corner of Brooklyn and 28th
He looks at me, I look at him
We start to kiss
After dinner we go back to my house
We make love

April 1993
I’m sitting at home
Jen is now living with me and working where I work
I am her boss
She calls on the phone
“There is a problem, you need to get down here.”
I drive all two blocks
She sits me down
“How are you and Alan she asks?”
“We still fuck if that is what you mean.”
“He’s seeing another woman.” she states
I look at her
“For awhile now, at least 6 months.”
We have only been apart for 4.
I call Alan’s house.
No he is not home
I walk outside and jump on the hood of the car he bought me.
I jump up and down on the hood
I walk up and down the length

Mid April 1993.
I go to see the JudyBats
Julie, Fernando and I go.
Fueled my adrenaline, Fernando and I rave hard during the sets of the show.
Alan watches me from the corner
We talk
He asks who Fernando is
“Julie’s man” I reply
Where is ‘vicegrips’ I ask
At work
That night, I am asleep
Spring air is coming through the window
I feel a hand on my arm
It’s Alan
We go downstairs
We make love all night
It would be one of the last times I would ever see him
“Ohh Lisa, I love you so much!”

Sometime around my birthday, 1993.
I’m drunk on the couch
Its 3am
The phone rings
“Hi, I just wanted….”
It’s Alan
“Where are you?”
“Look Alan, you stay on your side of town and I will stay on my side.”

Early June, 1993
I’m at work
The phone rings
“Where were you last night?”
It’s Alan
“I was at Scotts.”
“Who the hell is Scott?”
“Why do you care, your marrying Michelle.”
“I love you Lisa”
“She’s not you”

Mid June, 1993.
“I need to see you”
It’s Alan
“Please” he begs
He comes over
“You’ve never looked more beautiful to me.”
I had worked 14 straight hours
It was 12 PM
The sun was shining into my front living room
We make love

Late June/Early July, 1992
I am at a local nightclub, Dicks Resort
“Alternative night”
First time I had ever been there
I am dancing up a storm
Drinks are being bought for me
I look up
See Alan and Michelle walk in the door
Alan walks around the club, watching me
My friend Jamie says he wants to talk to me
We go to the side
We start arguing
Michelle walks up
I tell her to fuck off
She and I start arguing
I say fuck it
She says that my car, all $6000 of it, is a piece of shit
I say hey, that is okay
My car will outlast the plastic and glass ring he bought you
The car cost 6K
The ring 500 dollars
She calls me a slut
I throw my drink to the side
I wrap my fingers around her throat
Took Alan and 2 bouncers to pull me off of her
All I kept hearing as I walked outside was
“I’ve got the ring”
I never saw Alan again

Earlier this year, I ran into some friends of Alan’s and mine when were together.
Alan really did marry her
They have a child
All of the friends we hung out with and had gotten married when we met
Are now divorced
I walk away
I shudder

Earlier Sunday, sitting in the lab
I was talking to Troy
I looked up and see a guy I dated very briefly during the “Alan” trauma
I slept with him
It took me till today to remember his name

I‘m sitting at Kalamazoo college gym.
Watching the AAU team play ball.
Shirts against skins
I watch while I write
Sweat pours down their back.
They are all tall
Some have better bodies then most
Some are good looking, others are not
I wonder what it would be like to make love to a man
Not a boy
A man
Sascha says she is always looking out for cheap and easy guys
I wonder if I am cheap and easy
No, I conclude
I am not

My IRC friend Bryan keeps telling me he loves me more then Andrew ever would
I don’t think he knows just what he is saying
Bryan is 19

When I was a little girl, I wanted to remain a virgin till I was married
Friends teased me
When I was 17, I met Scott
We slept together 3 days later

“You are not wearing that outfit”
“But Scott…”

Sitting at Magoos with Sherry and Matt
Sherry says, “Oh shit!”
I look at her
She mouths the words “Miguel”
I turn and look
Miguel is looking at me, my arm is around Matt
He turns and walks away
Matt asks who that was
I tell him
He points to some small icky looking blonde
“She looks just like…”, his last serious gf.

Mid December 1995
“Matt I have to tell you something”
“I’m seeing someone and I wanted to tell you before you heard it from someone
“Oh, I’m so glad! For you see Lisa, I’m seeing someone else too!”
I prattle on about Chad
Chad is so incredible
“Who is it Matt?”
Janice the woman he lived with over the summer.
“You have nothing to worry about Lisa. She’s nothing compared to you.”
They are now living together

So you see Andrew, I told you this is not because I don’t love you but because I
do. I tried to explain to you the basis of IRC relationships. They’re intense,
surreal and fast paced.
I am now emotionally exhausted
I can no longer fight
You had explained to me that to love someone else is impossible
Perhaps you are different, perhaps the truths not jelling are all
misunderstandings. I am not perfect I know this. I am merely human
After this weekend bought of soul searching, that if something happened to you
while you are in Jo’berg, I would not be surprised.
I’ve concluded that there is something about me, not the men in my life,
regardless if its IRC or real life that has caused the things that have happened
to be.
I have a special talent for picking up on emotionally crippled guys. I give them
something that no woman has given them or will ever give them again. I accept
them for themselves, nothing more, nothing less. I give them 200%.
But I am a tough mistress
I demand a lot
They will leave me experiencing something they will never have again
But they love me so much, they have to leave me
Find someone more realistic
Someone not a dreamer
The idea of me is more appealing then the real me
Something I have always known
Something I have always accepted
I know that I am “too much”
When the going gets rough, the rough gets going
So Andrew, you have your groupies who don’t know you
Your female friends
Val, who is but 3 hrs from you and whom you talk with
And ask yourself, will they love you and accept you like I do?
Come or go, stay or leave, I’m emotionally dead
I cannot compete any longer
I refuse to compete
I am ME!
You say my soul is pure, my heart is pure. You say I am what you have waited
for all your life
You may think I am being silly
You may say that what you have told me about yourself should prove beyond a
reasonable doubt that I am all you need
Here is where my dual nature comes in
I am skeptical, but I am also trusting
Perhaps that is why I dig surrealism
It shows me anything is possible
Why I believe in romance
Why I always crave the impossible
Why I always look for the best
Why I write
So Andrew
Here I am
Love me or hate me
Say you know me or you don’t

Every man that I have ever dated seriously or has liked me a lot, says that the man I am going to marry is a lucky guy.
I am special
I am different
I am not like the rest
So then why-
A. I am still single in real life?
B. They always break up with me?

Driving home from K-Zoo, my brother and I are talking
I ask him if I am cool
For being an older sister
He says no
I start to laugh
I ask why
He says because I don’t go chill with friends, drink or go out anymore
I stay in my room and write all night
I am too intelligent
When friends come over to our house, and we start dogging on each other, it’s
about stuff no one has a clue about.
He says when I make a cut against someone, they don’t understand
I laughed

That’s me.
Too intelligent
I watch
I write
I happen to know things others don’t
I am the queen of useless information

Spring has sprung!
I love spring
I always feel reborn
I crave sun
I come out of my shell
Call my friends
“Hey guys!”
“I’m HERE!!!”
They all expect it of me
Lisa hibernates during the winter
Comes out fighting in the spring

Pearl Jam
Chad looks like Eddie Vader
He would mock every song that came on the radio
I would start to laugh

One night Chad picked me up
Put me on his dresser
We tried to make love
It didn’t work

Chad is so far my favorite person to make love to
I would wash his hair
I would scrub him down from head to toe
I would zerbert his belly
He would laugh
One particular time, we got a little carried away
We left the shower running
I put the seat down on the toilet
I sat him down
I got on and rode him
Kissing him to stifle his cries
I slowly pulled off of him
Got on my knees and performed fellatio
I swallowed
He watched the whole time
I kissed him
We finished our shower
Sass always teased us
Out loud questioning why the bathroom was always so soaked
We’d giggle

When Chad and I were arguing, he asked me to tell him everything
I told him about Andrew
My soul mate
He cried
My heart broke in two
I told Andrew
Andrew understood. Told me that because I had been with Chad, it was more then
real to me. That he could understand.
He knew I still loved Chad
To many demons in Chad’s past
I could not help him
I could barely help myself
I walked away from Chad
It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do

M brother just walked in
“Writing another book?”
Night Jeff

Blunt sexuality has always bothered me.
I watch these fluff chicks show everything off
I laugh at them
Sex to me is mysterious
Why I prefer boxers to briefs
I want to use my mind to imagine the package
I want to imagine what its like underneath the jeans and T-shirts
I like being discreet in my clothing
Show a bit of leg
Wear a form fitting shirt

Andrew and I do not discuss sex.
It’s frustrating
Sometimes I want him to make love to me
I want to imagine what it would be like
The very first time we tried I could see it all
Clearly in my mind
Scared the living hell out of me
It was that real to me
He left abruptly
Apologized profusely the next day
I said it was all right

Sometimes when Andrew describes how he would kiss me.
It scares me
It’s too real
I can feel my mouth drop, I can feel the heat from his skin, and I can feel his
breath against my face
Then he leaves
I find some schmuck on-line
I abuse him sexually to get rid of my frustration
I never tell Andrew
He says he does not want to know
It would break his heart
So I don’t tell him

If I had a million dollars
I would buy you a house
If I had a million dollars
I would buy furniture for your house
If I had a million dollars
I would buy your love”

Andrews told me he hates himself for loving me
He swore he would never love again
Then he met me
He pushes and probes
Leaving me wanting more
He gave me himself!
Then he took it away
He’s so angry
So frustrated
Paints me pretty pictures
Writes me poems
But no more

I have a plethora of Andrew pictures.
He looks so beautiful to me
Some are modeling pics
Others are self done compilations
My favorite one is one he put together
Blue eyes looking directly at you
A Mona Lisa smile
I told you NO EYES!
You lied to me!

Can’t make it real
Can’t make it real
Don’t make it real
Don’t make it real
Don’t tell me you love me
“If you save yourself, you will make him happy”
Does love exist?
Love me-hate me
worship me-condemn me
Too much it hurts
“I have told a lie”
“I have not been true”
“Do not cry”
“If you fool yourself, you will make him happy”

“L – is for LOVE baby
O- is for ONLY you that I do.
V- is for loving VIRTUALLY everything that you are
E- is for loving almost EVERYTHING that you do
R- is for RAPE me
M- is for MURDER me
A- is for ANSWERING all of my prayers
N- is KNOWING your loverman’s going to be the answer to all yours”

Words said
Promises broken
So that is me
Sunday April 21, 1996 11:45 PM
My room is a pigsty
My mouth feels like a party happened and I wasn’t invited
I drank to much diet coke
I smoke too much

Somebody told me, this is the place
Where everything is better
Everything is safe…

1/2 hour later, we packed up our things
Said we send letters
And all of those little things
They knew we were lying
They smiled just the same
They seemed to have forgotten
We already came

People don’t know you
Trust is a joke”

She likes to look for things that she’ll never find”

A few days ago, a bunch of us were on-line
I say hi to Chad.
We are becoming friends again
I think
We have a topic war
Chad puts in something to a 747
747 is the name we named my vibrator
I start giggling
Chad and I giggle on line
I could see him sitting at his desk
Stroking his goatee
Sandy was on-line
I do not think she had a clue to what we were talking about

A few anonymous sources told me recently, that Sandy is not sure if Chad likes her. He
still has a love/hate relationship with me. She knows this. He doesn’t talk about me. But people know
They can see the tension when the 3 of us are on-line

When Sandy came back from Pitt, everyone was dying to know what happened.
But no one would ask
I have balls
I asked
“Chad is so adorable”
Stupid bitch!
Chad is not adorable
He is a child in a mans body!
He radiates 100% pure sex!
I wanted to smack her
“Did you get to wash his hair?”
“Oh yes!”
I concluded they had sex
No one knows for sure
Something’s are better left unsaid

I can talk to Matt about his sex life
For some reason he has lost his passion
Matts a good guy
Just needs to loosen up
I am a free person
It would not have worked
He fucked up
Life goes on

The night of the party at Sass’s, Chad and I were lying
naked in bed
We tried to be quiet
We heard Sass and her man going at it
The headboard banged against the wall.
Love cries were loud
Chad and I started giggling.
Our giggling got louder.
A male voice yells out
“Quit playing with your sister!”
We yell “Night Mom and Dad!”
We are laughing so hard that we start crying
Chad slips out of bed to lock the door
The moonlight streams across his body
I look at him
He looked so incredible to me

The final time I saw Chad
Were sitting in his room
I was sitting at an odd angle
My navel hurts cause of the piercing
I’m talking on line to Lilly
She asks me to fwap him
And as I turn to do so
I look at him. He’s leaning on his bed
He’s wearing his blue cardigan
It’s so cold in his apartment
His hair is behind his ears
He looks at me, mouths ‘I love you’
He smiles as he does his homework
“Why the hell do I need to know this?”
I laugh

Wen Sandy got back from Pitt,
she said that she was glad to be sleeping in her own bed.
When I left Pitt, I cried!
Chad was like a huge furnace.
He’d hold me all night
Sometimes he’d wake me
Sometimes I’d wake him

The final night Chad and I were together
We didn’t make love
My tummy hurt too much
We talked all night
Trying hard to not sleep
But I had to go home
Chad had school
I barely slept that night
I just watched him
Conscious of the hours ticking by
When the alarm went off, he woke me
Chad is NOT a morning person
As I go, I watch him watch me
He e-mailed me later on
He ran out to kiss me good-bye
I was already gone
He was so upset, he stayed home and slept with pooh

Yeah Andrew knows
He knows what I am
He’s got his groupies
They all want him
He’s a demi-god
He knows
Each move feels calculated
He tries to get me to show emotion
And so I do
You wanna hear me say it?
All right I will!
Yeah, I am jealous as hell Andrew
I’m jealous of the women you’ve been with
I’m jealous of the lips you’ve kissed
I’m jealous of the bodies you’ve probed
I’m jealous as hell!!
I’m jealous of Val…you get to talk to her
Anytime you want!
I’ve got to live with four words
“Love you lots darling!”
I get jealous when you told me-
“Desert, beer flowing, horny girls and one tall guy!”
It’s not goddamn fair!
Yeah Andrew, that is why I netsex you!
You deprive me of tender touches and kisses
You make me beg for it
You never approach me
I’m always the aggressor
So I netsex you
Make you realize I am there
I describe actions
Drive your mind into overtime
Make you see my body as I often saw yours in my dreams
That’s how I fight
With sex
No one ever said I played fair
You know you got me Andrew
Because you’ve never given me what the one thing I want/need from you!
You gloat!
You know you do
Cause just when I think I’ve got you, you say ‘talk time’
And I’ve got to shift gears
I’m rearing to go
you tell me to stop!
I’m not stupid Andrew
You pour all your emotions, your passion into your letters, your pictures
But lately I’ve got nothing from you
And so you wonder
Why I cling
Why I question when you say you are going away
Whey when you say yes, I still want to marry you
That loving someone other then me is impossible
That you never, ever want to break up
That I don’t feel reassured
Why I question if you are tired of fighting me
If you’ve given up
On me
On us

I can’t break away:
“All my life, I’ve wanted to fly
Like the birds you see way up in the sky
Making circles in the morning sun
Flying high in the sky
Till the day is done
I can’t break away
Like a child in his fantasy
Punching holes in the walls of reality
All my life, I’ve wanted to fly
But I don’t have the wings
And I wonder why
Oh well, mom told me when I was young
Stand tall girl, your number one
you can be what you want to be
But you can’t shake the course of your destiny
I can’t break away
One is one, two is two
You want me and I have you
I can’t break away
No, no, no, no , no , no
I can’t break away
Oh well, mom told me when I was young
Stand tall girl, your number one
You can be what you want to be
But you can’t shake the course of your destiny
I can’t break away
no. no. no. no, no
I can’t break away
I can’t break away
I can’t break away

Good night folks
This is it
Last one out, turn the lights off and lock the door
Started Saturday April 20th at 8:30p
Finished Monday April 22nd at 1:40am
47 hand written pages.
This is your life Lisa Marie-Louise Rabey
Permission not received for lyrics reprinted
Fuck the laws. Sue my ass. I don’t have a pot to piss in anyway.

Night Andrew. No matter what happens after you read this, I love you, need you
and want you. You are still my soul mate
Night Chad. I love you to. Please don’t hate me for what I’ve done
Night Matt. Find someone you can love and trust. Be happy
Night Mark. Yeah, I love you to. But work things out in your life.
Night Greg. Yeah (Ha!) I love you to. Another time, another place.
Night Alan. You shaped my future, I don’t hate you anymore. But I hope you
carry the guilt for the rest of your life
Night Miguel. You left me with a $1000 cell bill. I hope your past catches up
with you.
Night Chuck. You broke my hear at 15. I hope one day you will be free. I
still wish you were my first
Night Scott. You were my first. I’m glad your life sucks
Night Josh. My best friend, companion in trouble and confidant. I have not
talked to you in 6 months. I hope you’re happy.
Night JR. You will always be my Henry to your Anais
Night Lee. Could have been, should have been, isn’t.
Night Jeff. I’m too corrupt for you. Find a pure woman
Night to all that I missed.

The past is put to rest
The circle is finally complete
I’m free now
Free to fly
I exist
I am human
I no longer hate
And I have won
Curtain closes
Place darkens
The only sound heard is the flapping of film against the reel

Exit mobile version