After awhile, I got pretty tired of it.
I would pack up my things and move out of the sandbox. If they didn’t want to play with me, the hell were they going to be playing with my toys.
After even more time, i would forget and no longer remember who they were. At first, when I would leave, i would obsess over who they were –mocking me, talking about me, laughing at me behind my back. I was sincerely egotistical enough to think that if they revolved around in my world then I revolved in their world. Pretty fucked up thinking, but, nothing else made sense.
Nothing else makes sense now, I would suppose.
One of the many last therapists I had said that I did not have to be who I was and that I could be anyone I wanted. That simply put, look at how my life had changed so drastically in the last five years, the next five could change even more so. Things might change on the turn of a time. She said this to me as I was struggling with the idea of quitting smoking and leaving my boyfriend of many years. I felt like a failure and I could not climb up the walls to save myself for myself.
