talk dirty to me

I should be writing my midterm, which is half-finished and due tomorrow.
I should be doing a lot of things, but i’m not. heh.
Alright, so I’m checking email for the fiftieth time today and I get the following spam:
I would never have believed that my husband of 4 years would cheat on me.
And he didn’t even tell me – I saw his email was full of messages from girls at XXXDate.com who wanted to fuck him! He had a whole folder full of email from women who had already gone to bed with him and had the nerve to thank him for a great time!
These girls sound like total sluts who will fuck anything with a dick. My husband isn’t even good looking he’s overweight and losing his hair and still these girls are all over him.
XXXdate has turned his life into one big sex-capade and I’m mad as hell! So I joined XXXdate just to show him I can fuck more than he can!

And I’m sitting there kind of dumbstruck. Not that it’s spam but it’s just, the content. I am no prude, by any stretch of the imagination, but I think it’s the current climate of women that are sort of bugging me? I can’t really explain it, it’s like, I’ve never really found it difficult to get a man (yes, i know you’ve heard me bitch about getting laid etc but let me finish here) but it’s the QUALITY of MEN i’m looking at discussing.
Keth and I had this conversation the other night when she called me to tell me she got accepted to UCSC and we ended up chatting for a few hours. The conversation kind rounded around men and our current lack thereof. Now, me personally, I do have crushes on people and some I would say were not crushes and probably some sort of “liking” going on (haha, this is so jr high) but, the crushes cannot be realised (you know, I TALK about henry rollins being my third husband but you know he isn’t going to be — really. maybe.)

On men, me and goals

It talks about sex. and other stuff. Don’t read if you really don’t want to know.
This is NOT about male-bashing. Sorry to disappoint 😉
It’s going on nearly 3 months since I’ve had sex (it actually maybe longer..), but, It feels like forever. And with all the hoopla with me and Paul, it got even worse when we were living together, where I’d stalk him like a cat and he’d tell me I was too aggressive or whatever, so while having sex was possible it didn’t happen enough for me to be ‘satisfied’. That was a status of our relationship. Sex was a mindgame and after 3 years, I wanted just some nice and easy sexors and I sure as hell wasn’t getting any. and foreplay? HAH! HAH. Paul didn’t believe in foreplay. Paul’s words were, who needed foreplay when I was ‘easy’? Uh, sure buddy. www.blowfish.com is your friend, gf.
I haven’t spoken to the boy-who-lives-across-the-sea in almost a week. To some that may not mean much but consider we talked everyday for nearly a year and then well, he gets a local gf and suddenly we do not speak (hence my comment earlier on lj). And I’m not angry because I have to remind myself that I cannot have him anyways, this is my mantra: I CANNOT HAVE HIM. PERIOD. And there are all these THINGS in my head that I must repeat to myself or else I will go insane because I have to recognize the following:

  1. My promise of no dating for a year. Remember? Part of the reason why I moved back to GR. I’ve even cut Danny (local ex bf for those just tuning in) off at the pass for sex because of 50 million issues with him (my god though he still looks good to me). Because I feel like I’m worth more and you know, yah sorry if i’m a monogamous nympho (my term), but wait, I’m not sorry for being me but, you know just because you hit it once does NOT mean I’m always open. I am NOT 7-11 contrary to popular belief. Then Danny did his whole “but i put my life on hold for you” crap and you know, for someone who supposedly LOVES me stop mother fucking whining. I’ve been home for nearly THREE MONTHS and he’s made very little effort to see me. Next.
  2. None of you cocksuckers are paying my bills. In short, I need to kick this OCD habit of staying online, playing video games or whatever because in the end, I AM 30 and I need to get a life and playing game cube, the sims or chatting with the bitches just aint gonna cut it. Yah, it is fun, yah it’s a great relaxer but i have to learn how to say NO and leave when the time comes.
  3. I’m holding out for something better. Even if i hadn’t put this so called invisible chastiy belt on myself, I’d still say no, because you know what, I’m tired of chasing. I am. I’m tired of being the aggressor. I’d like having the guys chase ME for once and I cannot tell you the last time that happened. Certainly not in recent memory. And I want someone more like me. I do. I am NOT a boring or a static person, I mean obnoxious yes, but boring or static? Not really.
  4. I do not feel sexy. This for some reason surprises people I confide this to (and you guys are my closests and dearest friends, even the ones I do not know!). I feel too fat, too tall, too weird, too something. And then what kills me is people telling me how sexy I am. that I radiate sex. One person (who is a big freak to boot) told me that I was their muse for their new series of erotica. I gave them inspiration. I don’t quite know how to handle that, I mean, it is a compliment. I just wish I felt more comfortable in my skin to feel as sexy as I’ve been told that I am. I do. I really wish I could be more confident with who I am, because I know when I DO feel more confident, strange things happen. But lately, I have been blaming it on the new lip gloss I’ve been wearing called Juicy Tubes. Yes, I bought it based on the name but I happen to like it.
  5. The reason why I like boy-who-lives-across-the-sea so much is that I can I can shut him off if he ever pisses me off (he hasn’t really). I can log out of the xyz chat client we are using and go fuck off. I do not have to worry about him showing up at my door unannounced (though i would probably love it). I want/love/like men who are unattainable. That is my weakness. I can “control” them without having to really DEAL with them. I mean, I have my little Henry Rollins and Colin Firth shrines going on over here and that is OKAY, because I can deal with that.because I know fantasy from reality. I do. (Remember if i keep repeating something it will happen!)
  6. I’m a big old softie at heart. Yes, it’s true. Yet something else people seem surprised at (I’m getting a bit annoyed at this whole bitch-on-wheels persona that still seems to perpetuate even if I’m sweet as sugar. I’m trying here to break old habits people cut me some slack). My favoriest movie in the whole wide world is Bridget Jones’ Diary. I’m telling you at the end when she kisses Colin Firth, I’m all over the couch clutching my chest wishing it were me. I’ve ALWAYS been a big romantic and while the rough and tumble set does turn me on, every time I’ve EVER been kissed with that whole “oh hly shit if i don’t kiss you i’m gonna die” look and the whole cupping of the face, i go weak in the knees. THERE IS A REASON WHY EXES HAVE CALLED ME NIAGRA FALLS (separately of course). I should not have to spell this out but apparently I do have to draw a bloody fucking map (or why I started writing an instruction booklet based on me once, well actually fairly recently). heh.
    and finally:
  7.  I refuse to kowtow to the bitter and cynicalness that seems to pervade women in my age group. Yes i’ve had a series of long term relationships. Yes they did not work out, but goddamnit, I knew that I was not going to have a typical life and there is a freedom in that direction and I refuse to be in that age group. Cynical? Yah, I was born cynical and sarcastic but bitter comes and goes and I refuse to be chewed up into that grouping.

as an aside, dropped a note to boy-who-lives-across-the-sea:

 From: "princess superstar"
 To:boy-who-lives-across-the-sea
 Sent: Saturday, March 01, 2003 8:15 PM
 Subject: hey
You mentioned that you were going on vacation or something last week and
 I'm assuming this is why I haven't heard from you in awhile.  But if
not, are you upset with me or something?  All my email to @detroit.org is not
 coming through ...  :)
 Lisa
----- Original Message -----
From: boy-who-lives-across-the-sea
To: "princess superstar"
Sent: Saturday, March 01, 2003 8:29 PM
Subject: Re: hey
> yoyo :)
>
> i am not upset at all, i've just been terribly busy that's all. while
lying
> in bed this morning i thought about how i hadnt spoken to you very much
> lately.. i am sorry. i'm not angry or anything, nor am i (unfortunately)
on
> holiday - i DO however have an entire week off :D
>
> i'll check the gettobooty address in a bit.
>
> how are you keeping?
>
> tata
>
>NAMEWITHHELD
> *smooch*

Then he took off to go out.
WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF.
Because American men are highly fucking boring. hah.
over-and-out

hope floats (well sorta)

it’s mid afternoon here outside of DC and I just got done watching a horrid yet true to somewhat life movie hope floats. i think i may have mentioned this piece of tripe before — I’m drawn to it like flies to shit. there are several points here that i guess i have been reminded of: sandra bullock carries a silver lunch pail which prompted me to carry my own box, harry connick jr is always a hottie and well, that’s about it.
but what i think the thing is (other than beating this piece of shit laptop into submission) there has been these re-occurring themes in my life as of late.
lately i’ve been having some major moral issues primarily with relationships and my own relationship with paul. for the last few nights i’ve been watching teevee and of course there is a dating channel. i’ve also been helping a friend of mine write a personal ad for yahoo personals. the thing i’ve been noticing very heavily is the sheer amount of people who are cheating on their spouses. the more I read and the more i watched, the more disgusted i feel.
now, i’ve argued for both polyamory and monogamy for eons. but the thing that irritates me the most is that just the sheer number of people who are so willing to cheat on their partner. i don’t understand this. call me silly, but it’s like what the fuck are you getting married for if you are going to be cheating on your spouse anyways?
now, i know people get all riled up about this. i don’t love them anymore, what about the kids? what about my life, etc. first off, staying married for the sake of the kids is a weak excuse. I’m reminded of my friend dave whose recently been dating a married woman who is not only older but has two kids. dave himself just came out of a serious relationship that was bordering on getting married, girl breaks up with him and he falls into the relationship with this married chyk — and it’s like i want to beat him upside the head. yah, it’s none of my business but it’s like i just feel like he’s going to get hurt in the long run.
i had with shelly last night in discussion about her ex boyfriend boobie. She said that a whole little of something was better than a whole lot of nothing — which she quoted from some kind of wonderful.
see, i don’t agree with that either. i would rather be alone sitting in my apartment eating kozyshack pudding and drinking diet mt.dew than to be with someone for all the wrong reasons.
the one thing i adore about paul is his strong sense of ethics and morals.
i just called paul and got his voice mail.
i miss him right now more than anything.
3.5 days and the boy is mine forever.
and this is where paul and i come into this whole shindig.
paul and i have been going over everything as of late, and mainly about how we feel for each other. paul feels that his relationships always die after a year for whatever reason — but he’s also said that they have felt doomed from the start. and he says that with me he doesn’t feel that. that he’s made promises in the past in good faith only to be screwed over by that person(s) — which sounds like me: i’ve been told promises only to have been fucked over by said person who promised me said things.
i think the crux of that is that in the past, we want to so believe what we are being told is true: but feelings and people do change. this isn’t something we always want to admit and it’s not something we always want to believe. and i think my problem has always been that i could never ever really believe in the person i was with and when things didn’t work out, i always took things emotionally to a new level. but i just knew, knew that paul was the one for me. sometimes he hates hearing it even though he needs that kind of reassurance like i do.
i watched a cheesy movie Christmas eve about a woman who no longer believed — in anything. yah it was really cheesy premise : basically her “inner child” came out and of course at the end of the two hour flick (on Lifetime no less) everything worked out fine.
but basically, it got me thinking about me and paul. see, we’ve been having conversations as of late about being in love. we know that we are in love, we want to be together, but all this crap that is basically baggage from our past has been creeping up and onward. this is not to say that we are breaking up, not getting married or anything negative. what it is to say that we are both scared shitless of the future.
paul said something to me the other day that i’ve always believed myself: don’t just tell me you love me, show me you love me.
see, i’ve been saying that for years personally. that’s one of the reasons why i have “issues” with gifts: people tend to buy me gifts because they are incapable of showing feeling. goes back to having daddy send me a few hundred dollars to make up for time he couldn’t be with me. which only made things worse you know. spend a lot of money on me but don’t spend time with me. what kind of lesson is that to learn?
paul and i have long known we had “issues,matters and concerns” in a lot of things that have to do with us. it’s not bad things, just things that were problematic in the past with past loves and things we don’t care to repeat with each other. things we have been working on together to make us stronger as a couple. people have been saying for months how they wished they were in a relationship similar to what paul and i have — and to that i don’t know what to say. i think it’s great that people think we have something special (which we do) but the trials and tribulations of coming together — and to this point have been hard. i don’t think that with everything we have gone through to get where we are now would be so easily accepted by just anyone.
watching those cheesy movies all weekend made me realize i did believe in paul and i do believe in us. i can’t remember the last time i felt this strongly about someone or the fact that i want to live my life with someone such as paul. he’s a very special person and compliments me in so many ways. I’m excited about the prospect of being with him, falling in love with him all over again every day and knowing that my own faith, in him, in myself, and in us will help not only me but us become stronger both as a couple and induhvidually.
i love you pauly. you are always mein gott.
x0x0x0x0
lisa

internet relationships: the good, the bad, and the ugly

My birthday is tomorrow.
Gifts of luv, money, new life, geeky men can be sent here.
what we lose, we become
in this dust bowl of a soul, of this ego of the mind
just a little too hungry, i don’t know

this is something i’ve been thinking about for the last few years that i have never gotten around to writing about. oh yeah sure, i’ve had internet relationships — i think now it’s more of the norm than anything else. but there is so much trepidation about it and so much myth — i finally had a reason to write about it.
so here you are, sl00ting around the web. you find someone’s website that you think kicks ass. you email them. they email you back. your swapping email back and forth all day at work. next thing you know, you’re sitting up on irc all night talking to them. OR your sitting on icq and you get messaged by someone who is dong random searches and you come up. You exchange a few pleasantries and next thing you know your picking out china patterns. OR you are on a mailing list and you start exchanging words with someone whom you admire for their thoughts.
so then what?
someone once said to me, that if airlines started offering special discounts for people who met via the internet, they would make a killing.*
Back in 1995, when i met my first person off the internet, i was scared. At this time, most of the people i hung out with on a daily basis didn’t “get” my obsession with computers or with the internet. My friends didn’t get “it”. But they were intrigued. They thought i was crazy to have been meeting someone, who while i “knew”, i never literally met in “real” life. And that’s how i met Matt.
The basic jist of the story is this: i met Matt on irc one day while i was wasting time instead of working on homework for Trig. He was a student at U of West Georgia. We started talking back and forth and things just clicked. i thought it was silly to have “like” text, but, anyone who knows me knows that i’m pretty stubborn and that nothing stands in my way of things. i liked this person, i liked him a lot. The little thing called geography didn’t bother me. But then there came a time when you can only do so much talking and have to make the decision on whether or not your going to carry the relationship farther than what it is. We made that decision to meet.
i had told all my chums about him by this point and they were as intrigued with meeting him as i was. So, one fine day in October of 1995, he flew to Michigan and we met.
My job was to reserve a motel room and meet him at the airport. My friend Jenni was along for the ride as she had also talked to him via irc and on the phone. i still remember standing at Kent County Airport, smacking on gum anxiously as he debarked from the plane. My breath caught. When he entered the gateway for visitors, i ran up to him and gave him a big hug.
Nervousness was all around.
i remember sitting in my car, getting ready to get out once we hit the bar to meet my friends and he looked at me and i looked at him. i just melted. He learned over and kissed me so right that i became a puddle on the floor. We walked, hand and hand with sheepish grins on our faces to have him meet my friends.
A few foo-foo drinks later, i was calmed down enough to not feel like i was going to throw up. Matt held my hand at the bar as everyone chatted around us. The DJ was playing a slow song when Matt asked me to dance. My friends were looking at us in awe.
When he left a few days later, i cried so hard i thought my heart would break.
Of course, things weren’t as perfect as they had seemed. Matt and i had talked about me flying down to Georgia for his birthday which was also Christmas day. in November of that year, i was planning on going to a journalist conference in DC and had called him to see if wanted to meet me there. He started hemming and hawing about it and told me that if i met someone, to go for it. i was like “what the fuck are you talking about? i’m dating YOU!” he kept telling me that he would understand if i met someone closer and that it would be “okay” if i did that. He also didn’t want me to spend my money on a plane ticket to come down for Christmas. he wanted me to save it. i argued that was whole point of having that money — that was what i saved for.
i flew to DC with the rest of my friends from the college newspaper i was on. ironically, all the girls in the group were dating someone — and i was the only person who didn’t cheat on my “bf”. i did meet RJ — but that is another story in and of itself.
When i got back to a cold and snowy Michigan, Matt called me. i was at the newspaper room working on edits for the next issue. He wanted to break up — he needed time. He needed to make sure this was what he wanted. i couldn’t believe it. i was absolutely aghast. i cried and begged and pleaded. i had convinced myself that i was in love with him and i thought he felt the same way. That is what he told me. i had put my faith in someone and i got my heart broken.
The truth came out a few years later:
it seems that while matt was finishing his degree, he had short funds (who isn’t in college). A good friend of his was going to live in Atlanta and was going to sublet her apartment. it was a two bedroom and she was going to sublet it to him and to another girlfriend of hers.
He and the other roommate started dating and had been since the summer, while i was under the impression that we were a “couple”.
Matt found me a few years later on irc and wanted to call me — he had things to tell me. i had known about the story from him previously — but he needed to tell me something he said.
So i was living with Danny then and even though Matt and i had worked out our differences as a couple, we were still friends.
He told me, that he had fucked up. it had been eating away at him for the last couple of years of what he had done to me. He knew, he said, that i was the one for him. But the whole distance thing and my faith in him drove him mad. He got shit over (who hadn’t?) by his last girlfriend before me and he just assumed that i would do the same. So, to protect himself, he started dating the roommate. The ended up living together later on. it wasn’t that he really loved her — he did. But he wasn’t in love with her like he was with me. He knew he fucked up. He knew that he had let fear and uncertainty eat away at his soul till he had to cut me loose. He couldn’t apologize enough he said. He wished he could go back to make things right. but by this point, years had traveled between us. i was living with danny — we were talking about getting engaged. my heart broke even more because the girl in 1995 would have said yes to him in a heartbeat. and now things had changed. he loved me he said — and he always would. he would never forgive himself for letting me go. he told me he loved me and that was literally the last time i heard from him.
on the ride into work, Cat, Scott and i had the conversation about internet relationships. i needed feedback. i wanted to know what they thought about it. Cat had scary stories — not of her own personal relationships but of freaky friends she knew. Scott was more positive about it. He said, if it weren’t for the fact that he was meeting new people off the internet, he wouldn’t know what he would do. He’s extremely shy — this gives him a chance to open up and talk to people he would have problems talking to in face to face conversations. Scott moved to SF for someone he had met on-line, and they dated for two years. Cat told me of a girlfriend of hers that had been “dating” this guy for about seven months before she actually met him. The friend flew to be with him for the summer, they fell in love even more so and got married.
For me? Well, that’s a whole different story in and of itself. Out of the countless 100s of people i have met off-line that i knew on-line, the relationships are really no different than in a face to face encounter. i love going out drinking and having fun, but i do not think highly of meeting people in bars. Four years ago, the one person i had met in a bar had attempted to rape me at his house. if it weren’t for the fact i had brought a friend with me, it probably would have happened.
But out of all those 100’s of people i’ve met, 90% had been platonic relationships. i’ve meet people from user groups or mailing lists of common interests. i’ve gone to parties and what not. it’s no longer weird or strange, it just /is/. Living out in SillyValley, where everything is internet related, it’s hard not think that you met someone off-line as opposed to online. This past Christmas time, i was walking around downtown with a bunch of people i had met from the mailing list FTE. it didn’t seem strange to me that the i wouldn’t have met any of these people if it weren’t for the fact that i had to take the initiative and sign up on the mailing list.
i’ve heard people rag on the fact that people who are on-line have no life (i find it amusing they feel the need to say this on irc — hypocrites?). But, if someone was out going out every night and partying and wooping it up — that’s having a life? it’s a contradiction in terms to me. Like what i said above — that i am weary of meeting people in bars — but on the flips ide, where else am i gonna find someone with similar interests but at a like gathering? it just doesn’t make sense to me why the common thread seems to be that people are all over the fact that it’s okay to do one thing and not okay to do another.
a few years ago, i came up with a book idea about two soul mates who lived 3000 miles apart from each other. each chapter of the book flip-flopped between the two characters: each telling their own side. i hadn’t thought about how they had met yet, but the idea would be that they would have a relationship /before/ they met. that they knew upon meeting that the other was it.
i’ve always been a mind person. i would rather have dated someone who thinks similar to me than to date some gorgeous stud muffin. eye candy isn’t enough — i need mental stimulation or else i’m gonna get bored. and where else but the internet are you gonna find it like that? And the same thing flips both ways. i want someone who appreciates my head first than my body. that’s important to me. i’m not always going to be young and beautiful, but I’ll always have my mental facilities about me.
i hope.
it’s now June 12, 1999. And i should really get to the point of what this long rambling chronicle was about:
Lisa’s Steps to a Successful internet Meeting:

  • internet time vs Real timePlease be aware that things are highly accelerated in meeting someone on the net. The very basic conversion that for every one month on-line that you know someone, it equals 6 months in a day to day “face to face”. Why? Because of the lack of interaction with that person, everything is going on by feelings and words, which we all know is very intense. How you choose to act with that person is your call, but feelings and what not can be very harsh and unreal it seems. So take it slow.
  • On-line personality vs real-life personalityThis is a big one. The huge argument that i’ve heard about meeting people off-line is that you really don’t know them. My devils argument is that you probably know them better than anyone else. They choose to revel to you what they might not revel to their day to day counterparts. Be aware of that. it’s important that you go by gut instinct and how you feel. if something doesn’t feel right about the person, don’t put yourself in a position to disappoint yourself. Too many times people say “Well i didn’t know!” and they did know, they just choose to ignore it.
  • Timing is the keyWhen the words “i think we should meet” come out — be prepared for your relationship to change. Once you start about meeting face to face in the BBR (big blue room), you’ll find that anxiety and fear can start replacing your calm cool collected feelings about the person. While yes, it would be great to meet the person casually, don’t rush. This is very important. if you have interweb-newbie friends, they are going to think that meeting someone off-line is going to be weird. Go with what feels comfortable with you. For some people, meeting the next day works while with others it’s a year later. When and how you decide to meet is totally up to you, there is no set limit.
  • Friends and Familyif you are involved in an internet relationship that is of the romantic flavor, and you tell your friends they may think you have been hitting the crack pipe a little too hard. it is MUCH MORE common now to meet people on-line then ever before. They may disapprove. They may say harsh things. i’ve been on both sides of the fence, but once my “real” friends got used to the idea that i had “on-line” friends they were more willing to accept me meeting them. There are always going to be stories about people who got killed, raped or what have you from meeting someone online. Most of these stories can be traced back to urban legends and or myths started from something else. Meeting someone on-line and carrying it over to “real” life is no different then meeting someone from a personals ad or meeting them in another medium ie: through friends, blind dates or what have you.
  • Common Sense When you are planning on meeting someone for the first time, keep in mind the following items, which is basically all common sense:1. Meet in a public place. For coffee or dinner or what have you. Most of the friendships i have kept and generated from being on-line, those friends tend to be 1000’s of miles away. if i get really good vibes from the person, we will make arrangements to stay at each others house. My friend James flew in from England on five days notice and stayed with me and my roommates to go see Star Wars: Phantom Menace. Since James and i are platonic friends, there was no pressure other than nervousness (which is normal) when we met. We fell into our roles in real life as we did online. Because neither one of us really talked about the “stress, fear, anxieties” or even felt it before we met, our meeting was like two old friends who hadn’t seen each other in years.
    2. Out of town trips. if you are planning on meeting for the first time, take the time out to plan a trip. Again, work with what’s best for you. When i lived in Michigan, i drove everywhere, which i loved doing. i would crash at someone’s house and we would go to an irc party and have fun. Now, that it seems that most of the people i keep running into live more than 1k miles from me, flying to see them is the only option. Going by the rules above, when a date is planned, talk about the transportation. Split the cost of the plane/train/bus ticket. Decide what feels right to you about where to meet (whose city) and where you are going to stay. For some, staying at a hotel is an option or staying at the persons house. go what feels comfortable for you.basically, i could go on and on about this. but when you come right down to it, each meeting is unique and individual as the two people meeting. keep your wits about you, don’t let fear or anxiety override your feelings for the person and everything will be fine.

luv,
the birthday girl

analog girl living in a digital world

It is officially after midnight, and thus it is officially Friday July 17th. I still haven’t gotten used to the Bay weather as of yet.. the fact that right now it is in the mid 50’s and cool in the middle of summer seems preposterous to me. The other day, I was sitting on TJ’s floor and Dave, Drew, TJ and I were discussing where we came from (geographically) and comparison to the Bay area. The irony is that almost everyone there decided we all missed snow.
My eye is feeling a lot better then it was this morning, but it still is tearing up and is red as hell. I ended up falling asleep whilst I was attempting to read Of Human Bondage. Justin came home from work at about 7pm, bearing wild flowers for me. 🙂
God, I wish my eye felt better. I was so ticked off as Justin and I planned on having an official “date” this evening, going to the Fine Arts Museum, and I end up getting pink eye. blah.
The irony of “dating” whilst living together is numerous, to say the least. Neither one of us expected to have this happen all so quickly, but it did, and here we are.
I swore after the charade with Christian and Danny that I wouldn’t live with another lover for a long time, and then I realized that it had been about a year.
One of my biggest fears is this whole relationship ideal: I don’t have a fricken clue as to what I am doing.
What I had realized is that with my introduction to the ‘Net, in 1994, I had not dated anyone, literally anyone locally since Alan. All of my relationships (save a few quickies) were based off of meeting someone from the Internet. Danny (whom I met and dated in 1996) was a failure, and I knew that wasn’t going to work regardless. Thusly I realized that the reason I was “successful” in on-line/LDR and not “day to day” ones was the easiness of control, ability to remove myself and to present the “best” side of me. I had instilled in my brain that I was going to end up being a crotchety old maid, and I was literally living like one. Having Justin look at me, pink eye and all, and telling me how very beautiful I am is scary.
I’m still grappling with my emotions over all of this, and I have attempted to distance myself away from him, but!, something inside of me is telling me not to.
My friend Jane from work has this rad web page, and I was spending a lot of time reading her stuff the other night. In one of her commentaries, she mentions about how this boy she was in love with, Neil, wanted her (paraphrased) safely locked away in America, and he wasn’t able to deal with the reality of her being there in England with him.
She had hit the proverbial nail on the head with that quote (paraphrased), and I realized that is exactly the same situation I had going with Jeff. It made, in my mind, (finally!) good fucking explanation of why Jeff was such a tart to me. Finally, seven months later, I could make some peace with myself and not feel like so insecure about myself and about my body. I have (yes!!!!!!) finally let him go.
It still doesn’t clear up matters about several different things, and I wonder really how much better I am for it. But Justin would say I was obsessing about things again, and I can’t be doing that.
(If you at this point have taken a look at Jane’s website, and notice similarities, yes, I did “steal” ideas from her. She knows about it, so it’s all good. I just love the design as it is clean and easy to read, and since she and I have similar interests, so :P)