Dear Internet, Gratitudes and things that make me happy are a part of my carding coursework, and I track them everyday and I’ll post them here every Sunday. (And I also acknowledge this is going to take me a few weeks to go beyond “I have killer hair.”) You can also find the a list of all my gratitudes here. gratitude
This week I’m in Chicago for C2E2, the yearly event I have attended since 2012. Instead of my usual ten things I’m grateful for, it’s just going to be one big one, which I’ve been breaking down in bits and pieces over the past weeks:
I’m grateful for everyone who has given me support, cheerled me on, gave advice, offers of hospitality when I needed it, and so much more. I keep telling people the big lesson that I’ve learned in the last year or so is humility and gratitude. My life is still a delicate eco-system and I think on one level it is always going to be, but the foundation is much stronger thanks to everyone who has come forward with help. Really, I’ll probably be repeating this gratitude a lot in the upcoming weeks and months because I really am that grateful for everything that has been given to me. As much as it gnaws at my soul to say that I’m “blessed,” I am feeling pretty beatific these days.
Dear Internet, Gratitudes and things that make me happy are a part of my carding coursework, and I track them everyday and I’ll post them here every Sunday. (And I also acknowledge this is going to take me a few weeks to go beyond “I have killer hair.”) You can also find the a list of all my gratitudes here. gratitude
The deluge of places wanting to, or have an interest in, interviewing me
Publishers because without them I would have no books
I am grateful for yoga keeping me centered and balanced
The ability to make choices that is best for me not for someone else
For my internal strength. I may get knocked a lot but I always come back swinging
Dear Internet, Gratitudes and things that make me happy are a part of my carding coursework, and I track them everyday and I’ll post them here every Sunday. (And I also acknowledge this is going to take me a few weeks to go beyond “I have killer hair.”) gratitude
Ms. Lizzie Locks for her amazing kindness towards me and Thursday the Pug (She sent Thursday toys and snacks from her dogs, Sophia and Stormy. The dog is going insane.)
The internet, without whom I would not be the person I am today that is how important it is in my life
TheExHusband for everything he has done and will do to keep me moving forward
Potential employers who extend an interview request to me
The pug simply because her silliness makes me smile
Being biologically in excellent health
For people who do not like me for it reminds me that standing by what I think is right and true is the sacrifice I am willing to make over pleasing everyone
That we all want to love and be loved
Friends whom I haven’t spoke to in months and we can pick up just where we left off
I’ve said this numerous times across my site but it needs to be on the list — TheBassist for breaking up with me. It was perhaps the greatest gift he could have given me for it helped deter a terrible crash, deal with my issues, get the help I need, and make me a better person. Thank you.
Dear Internet, Gratitudes and things that make me happy are a part of my carding coursework, and I track them everyday and I’ll post them here every Sunday. (And I also acknowledge this is going to take me a few weeks to go beyond “I have killer hair.”) gratitude
Learning how to properly breathe during meditation
For being able to recognize the things I need to change
For having known my father
My car is in good shape
For falling in love with books to allow me to travel all over the world
My capacity to always want to fall in love with everyone and thing I meet
For finding out I don’t have breast cancer
The changing of the seasons to indicate that nothing remains the same
For people who are kind to me even if I’m not kind to them
For those who teach me about humility
happy
The way my skin feels after moisturizing it
Medium rare steak
The magnitude of available British television
Fuzzy socks
That moment between getting out of the shower and grabbing a towel and the temperature is just perfect
Dear Internet, Gratitudes and things that make me happy are a part of my carding coursework, and I track them everyday and I’ll post them here every Sunday. (And I also acknowledge this is going to take me a few weeks to go beyond “I have killer hair.”) gratitude
For the family I have chosen
For previous lovers who let me view and share in their worlds
For those I have met over the years who have helped shape me into the person I am today
For my pets who showed me what unconditional love really is
For Caravaggio for allowing me to not only fall in love with his work but to finally get what art history really means
For understanding that a million decisions brought me to this point in life
For crazy drugs to allow me to be healthier rather than crazy(ier)
For the wind through the trees to allow me to allow the gods to talk to me
For sticking to my guns for doing the right thing
Believing in the goodness of others
happy
An unexpected phone call from someone I love
Writing letters and the joy people have when they receive them
Dear Internet, Gratitudes and things that make me happy are a part of my carding coursework, and I track them everyday and I’ll post them here every Sunday. (And I also acknowledge this is going to take me a few weeks to go beyond “I have killer hair.”) gratitude
I am thankful for my parents for without them there would be no me
I am thankful for the life I’ve been able to experience
I am grateful there are preventatives for my allergies so I won’t be dead
I am thankful for Kate, the person whom if I tell her I shot a man in Reno to watch him die, she would shoot him again to make sure he’s dead and then ask me where we’re going to bury him
I am thankful I can often make people laugh
I am grateful my body is strong and healthy to let me move the way I need it to
I thankful my car is paid off
I am grateful for my champions when I went back to college, for without them I would not excelled or want to continue with my education
I am grateful for Natalie who gets my Jane Austen obsession and who can really make me think
I am grateful I have the capacity to share all different kinds of love with all different kinds of people
happy
Long, near scalding, showers,
Long soaks in a bathtub, when I can read until my skin is pickled
The way my body feels after I moisturize it with coconut oil
That first snowfall
Gerbera daisies
When I finish my todo list for the day and everything is completed
The smell of just out of the oven baked goods; even more so if I have baked them myself
Dear Internet,
As I’m hot on the heels of the posts about lack of self-confidence and being mindful, it’s time for me to dissect another struggle of mine: self-esteem.
I tend to re-read previous days worth of entries in my paper journals to see where my train of thought has been and if I have missed any of the minutiae of my day to day life. (Remember I want to be the Samuel Pepys of my generation.) I typically don’t read my back entries on the blog too much with the exception when I link to them inside a new post and I scan the content to verify it matches my point.
I tend to forget what I’ve written on the blog (and sometimes in my paper journals) more often than not thus rereading the content always gives me a bit of a surprise. (I also sometimes forget my back is tattooed and it’s always a delightful revelation when I see the black work.)
The almost relentlessly ongoing theme with my paper journal these last few weeks is the story of moving forward, my sense of accomplishments, and letting myself heal. Because I am me, I wonder if these are actual steps to to convince myself that this is actually happening or if I am only fooling myself.
It is harder still when you believe you are stupid and those (it seems many) think you’re awfully, terribly smart and you honestly believe they are being duped. The irony of the believing you are stupid as historically there is no trauma or pattern of being called or treated as if you were / are stupid. You were in fact told about your amazing abilities of reading (age 3) and writing (same), you were singled out with a few others to participate in gifted children classes. They wanted you to skip a grade, send you to a gifted high school, and you refused both.
Finally the belief you’ve held on for so long is cemented when all the tests you were given as a child, and aced, did not lend themselves to various tests when you were older. You “flunk” your SATs. You “flunk” your GREs. You pick colleges and universities who don’t require those tests. You push to excel then because it was either get a degree or pack sausages for the rest of your life. It is not about testing your brain, rather, it’s about survival.
(You did not know then was the insistence of instructors to teach the same widely used learning style which does not fit you and you were untreated as someone with ADHD far into your 30s. (Typical symptoms of ADHD such as poor word retrieval (cannot remember a word when speaking or writing), difficulty in pronunciation and spelling of words, dropping words in verbal and written communication also firmly take hold in your belief of your stupidity.))
How much would have changed if you had believed in yourself, got medicated, and worked with a tutor to help you.)
If you believe in such things, your IQ is in the 130s.
The reason you hide for so very many years of why you want to be stupid is because being smart alienates you. You’re already a taller than average, bespeckled nerd with very few friends. Those who are beautiful and popular have everything. Those who are smart and nerdy do not.
Denying your gifts at least puts you somewhat with the people you perceive to be normal.
No one wants to be special because it does nothing.
Oh! Lack of self-esteem, how you torture me so.
xoxo,
Lisa
Silly week 2 – February 9, 2016
Dear Internet,
Tuesday is post a silly picture day! You can keep track on the page or over at my instagram.
When I published everything you f*cking need to know to be happy (but were afraid to ask) yesterday, I thought it would be a good idea to start breaking down some of the things I struggle with.
Today, it’s compliments.
The battle that rages inside is when someone compliments me on anything – appearance, work, or whatever, I think they want something. Because when someone tells you something nice, there is a condition attached to that compliment.
Always.
Today is a good example. I take the silly picture and post it on my FB and instagram pages. People compliment how pretty I am.
What do they want?
I struggle to find a way to answer. I used to be self-deprecating about those compliments but then I started thinking people would take the self-deprecation for shilling. So I stopped the self-deprecation and started thanking them instead and by changing my verbal response, I am begin the long road of accepting myself.
The gratitude of thanking people started when TheBassist and I were dating. I would tell him how much I liked/loved/adored X,Y,Z. How very handsome he is (because he is). What a great body / body part / thing he did because I saw it to be true. I know others think/thought the same way about him. So what was the problem? (It’s inconceivable to me others might have self-hatred issues. Everyone else is awesome!)
He always said something along the lines of the years of self-hatred, it’s hard for him to accept the things that people see about him. He doesn’t see them in himself so why would others see them in him?
Thus, whenever you tell him something kind about himself (he’s handsome, wonderful bass player, fabulous intellect, etc) he says, “Thank you.” No qualifiers, no explanation, just two words. He’s learning to start loving himself.
Thank. You.
My self-loathing runs deep and as far as my view of my attractiveness or brilliance1, I don’t see it. That’s not entirely true — I know there are attractive features about myself physically (I have great breasts, my eyes are fabulous, my hair is pretty killer) and mentally (I enjoy and have conversational skills on many things, I can often make people laugh), but as an overall package? No. I don’t see it.
A couple of years ago before TheBassist came back, the implosion of my marriage to TheExHusband is simmering below the surface. One discussion was already under our belts about how unhappy I was in our marriage and the reasons why. He didn’t want to see a couples counselor. I felt stuck. It wasn’t as if I didn’t love him, but the pain of being married to him was getting to be unbearable and I could not conjure up a reasonable explanation to leave him.2
TheExHusband and I’s love life had already begun the decimation. He said some pretty awful things. I took those awful things to heart. I would silently cry when watching any kind of romantic shenanigans on TV or in movies. I wouldn’t leave my husband, I was relatively young, but then I saw the rest of my life being in a near sex-less marriage. Having passion? Hah. Hah. Hah.
Not long after that discussion, I flew out to California for a job interview. It was a last ditch effort on my part to see if I could get a job before I left my old place of employment (and before getting serious about the writing). An old friend, whom I’ve known since my days with ExFiance #2, lives about an hour away from my hotel. Old friend and I recently got in touch after not speaking for years. We agree to hang out when I’m in California to catch up, have dinner, the usual.
Now I haven’t seen old friend in over a decade at this point. I’ve aged, I’ve gained weight, and I’m nervous about seeing him because I’m already assuming he’s going to find me an ignorant, fat slob which only adds to my loaded self-esteem issues. I need everyone to like me even if I perceive myself to be an ignorant, fat slob.
We make plans for dinner, he gets in touch when he’s in the lobby, and here we go. I swallow the bile of my thoughts and proceed down stairs. As I turn the corner, he’s leaning up against one of the pillars.
He’s grown insanely hot. He’s tall. His intellect is amazing. He plays hockey and his body just simply rocks. The rush of lust confirms I was not dead in the desire department, but logically and reasonably, I knew I couldn’t act on those feelings. I made a commitment to TheExHusband. I gave him my word. Somehow I had to fix my marriage but now?
Now here was lust. Desire. I bathed in it.
So there is old friend and I’m tongue tied. I am lusting after him and yet the bile of hatred is now brimming because there is no fucking way he’s going to want to have dinner, let alone desire me.
What the fuck am I going to do?
We scamper across the Bay Area, I get slightly drunk, and we end the night on hugs. I knew if I didn’t not get the fuck out of there, I was going to make a move and not only was in that moment would I be fucking up my marriage (I gave my word) but I was also ruining the beginning of a close friendship, with the bonus of adding more to the hating of one’s self for being an ass. Besides. He probably didn’t see me with the same lust, so hey, this is all working out. Off to prep for the interview I go.
Cut ahead a few months when old friend and I are chatting online and the only thing I remember about that trip was, other than the fact I didn’t get the job, I had empirical proof I was not dried up. So I tell old friend, with much bravado, if I had stayed later that night or called him after my interview the following night for dinner, I would have made a massive pass towards him – hah hah hah. I am hilarious.
Except he tells me if I had, it wouldn’t have been turned down.
Shut the front door.
Turns out old friend has had a massive crush on me since the days when ExFiance #2 and I were together. ExFiance #2 knew about it, old friend’s wife knew about it, and they would tease him.
Me? No. Fucking. Idea.
(I always act surprised when I find out someone has even thinks I’m remotely attractive. As if I’m not worthy for that persons lust/desire/admiration or they are fulfilling some kind of fetish. When they tell me years later, I’m even more flabbergasted.)
Compliments and admiration are multiple edged sword: They give you the admiration you desire from people, they reaffirm the good work you’ve done on X, they make you feel good, but they can be intimidating as hell. These feelings negate the the admiration someone has just given you, whether you’re looking particularly nice that day, wrote a brilliant piece, or you did something kind for them.
We all want to feel good about ourself but it’s hard to accept this kindness especially for those of us who have years, nay decades, of self-hatred to chip through.
There are a couple of things we need to remember:
When we feel like shit about ourselves, remember these are just thoughts. They cannot hurt or harm you.
Having thoughts about X is a shared human emotion. When you’re not feeling particularly kind about yourself, someone else is having a similiar or exact thought about themselves that very moment. This is not to say you two should have a pity party but that
You’re not alone
You can be kind to yourself by being thankful for what you have. Once you can accept on being kind to yourself, you will be more receptive to people being kind to you
It will take a long time, no arbitrary date can be set, but anyone can forgive and love themselves. I know you can.
Today I am grateful for my readers, far and wide, who share with me their own struggles and dreams. Who feel my word resonate with them. Who find me funny, brilliant, or just a bit goofy. Who think I have much to give to this world and yes, who think I’m attractive.
Thank. You.
xoxo,
Lisa
P.S. As I was writing this, and the second I hit publish, the very first thought in my mind was those reading were going to think I was shilling for compliments. This is why it’s important to ditch the self-hatred because it gets you no where.
1. I have a post on this very topic hanging out in the wings. I need to summon up the courage to post it.
2. He has seen a therapist, he is now on anti-depressants, and we’ve had long conversations about this period in our life and he’s very contrite. He’s not a bad guy – he was just in a terrible place.
Dear Internet,
If you are into self-help, woo-woo, DBT, or are a curious individual, you’ll notice the core of all of these practices contain two main components to help you along the way to being happier and thus having a more fulfilling life.
I’m going to give them to you for free. No more self-help books, sketchy websites, or paying for gurus1.
Ready? Mindfulness and gratitude.
That’s it.
Every website and self-help book will bury these ledes in the opening pages of their annals and yet build their entire systems around these two concepts. Yet once you get into the meat of their woo-wooease, you’ll find them all tucked in and ready to work.
How does mindfulness and gratitude work?
To achieve mindfulness, you meditate and if you meditate, you’ll be more in the present. If you’re more in the present, you’ll begin to feel less anxiety and stress, more compassion for yourself and others and a fuck ton of other awesome benefits. Being mindful helps with the awareness of what’s happening in and around you — a thought is just a thought, a feeling is just a feeling; you do not have to react to either one. Being aware of those things helps you make better, and more informed, decisions about what is happening around you. You don’t act on impulses or steer from difficult decisions. You accept that a zillion decisions brought you to this point, you can accept that you can make choices on going forward. It is not “things happen for a reason.” That’s bullshit. You know it and I know it. Stop believing in it.
Gratitude is the complement to mindfulness. Gratitude allows you to be thankful for what you have rather than what you want. It concentrates on the being rather than the material. You are thankful for your parents (yes, even if you are divorced from them) because without them, you wouldn’t be here. You are thankful for your killer hair. You are thankful for the experiences you’ve had to help shape you. You’re grateful for the friends who believe and support in you.
(A good one, for me, is to be grateful for TheBassist breaking up with me (shut it). If he had not broken it off and put clear boundaries on his needs, the cycle would have continued. I would have gotten worse. Crashing that fateful October day is probably the best thing that’s happened to me in years. The cyclical of my relationships wasn’t just with TheBassist but with other aspects of my life. I’ve accepted, and said a zillion times, I may never hear from him again but if there is one thing I want him to know is this.)
You can make it as large (I am grateful for my family for loving me) to small (I am grateful for my friend who rubbed my feet after a long day). The idea is to find one thing to be grateful for, every day, which will keep you anchored in the present and then follow the mindfulness train of thought above to continue on with your enlightenment.
(I know it’s going to take me awhile to get beyond “I have killer hair” and I’m okay with that knowledge.)
At this point you are asking yourself (more than likely) the following question(s),”Lisa, why should we believe you? Sometimes when you write, things sound cray. Seriously. Cray.” or something along those lines. Hey, I get it. I’d have a hard time listening to me too.
I’ve been meditating for 211 days in a row and in the beginning, I thought it was a crock of shit. But allowing myself to be open to the idea, and practicing the tenants, has really helped in the long game. There are a lot of potentially stupid actions I mulled over, thanks to meditation, before realizing they were not in my best interest, so I didn’t act on them. I am less likely to be impulsive then I was six months ago. This is important to note.2
(There is one decision I mulled over for months before finally acting on it. I know others would see it as detrimental to my well being but in the end, making that decision made me feel better and knowing its consequences may not ever be realized also help.3)
I asked my therapist what makes someone who has a mental illness different than someone who has healthy4 reactions to stressful things such as having low self-esteem or social anxiety. She said that’s a good question and after thinking about it for a few moments, her response was along the lines of someone who has a healthy relationship with stress is more prepared and better able to handle that stress where as someone who is mentally ill, the stress is heightened and we’re less likely to handle it in a healthy way.
The goal is not to get stable (because no one is really stable) or normal (no one is really normal) but to handle and prepare healthy responses to stressful things.
Which is where the meditation and gratitude come in. It’s all full circle.
xoxo,
Lisa
P.S. I highly recommend reading Zen Habits to get you started. You can also mediate using my favorite (and often my pushy instance of) app, Headspace.
1. I am not a doctor. I am not trained to dispense advice or consultation. If you’re mentally ill, think you’re mentally ill, or have additional questions about your mental health, please seek professional help.
2. TheExHusband often comments how I relate and respond to things is much better in the last 6 -9 months and a lot of that has to do with meditation.
3. Yes, I am being completely vague. No, I’m not going to tell you. No, it’s probably not what you think it is.
4. We kept saying “normal” instead of healthy and we air quoted “normal” every time we did so we decided that “healthy” (sans air quotes) was a better description.
Dear Internet,
Something we should all be doing is showing gratitude for what we have in our lives — it’s being thankful for what one has versus what one wants. Writing down gratitudes, privately in a journal or publicly on the interwebs, is an essential part of DBT and meditation as well as being really important for borderlines. Within the last week my DBT book and my mediation guru have suggested writing down one gratitude a day and at the end of week, ending the list with a total of 10.
Gratitudes and things that make me happy are a part of my carding coursework, and I track them everyday, so this should be easy to complete every week and obviously I’ll post them here every Sunday. (And I also acknowledge this is going to take me a few weeks to go beyond “I have killer hair.”) gratitude
My therapist for understanding
I am not physically ill
I have a large support network
I am tenacious
I have killer hair
I have a big heart
I try to do good things for others
People who have faith in me
happy
The smell and taste of pineapple juice
Trader Joe’s dark chocolate covered pretzels
The “Most Interesting Man in the World” commercials
Key & Peele shorts
Wearing my grey old man cardigan (I have two in separate styles)
Wearing my Black Phoenix Alchemy scents, especially Bliss
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