Introspection aka whining.
when i moved back to MI, everyone including paul thought that i was going to start sleeping with Danny again. Everyone, including my brother, friends, family, etc. And I told them ‘No. It’s not happening.’ And it didn’t. It hasn’t and it won’t and I just laid that on the line tonight – yet again.
Danny is like paul where every compliment was double sword. “You are so beautiful. My you have a fat ass.” kind of thing. He works under the assumption that because X happened once, Y will happen again. I once told Ben something Danny had said to me and he thought it was fairly arrogant, at least of American men. The great thing about telling
people about your life is that you often get different perspective on how things are or should or could be. Shelly is a wonderful instrument in this regard.
Danny has been pestering (pestering isn’t the right word for it i guess) about us sleeping together since i moved back, but it is that I can’t discern sleeping with someone who I feel is taking advantage of me. Does he want to sleep with me because he finds me sexy or because we have a mutual history? I want someone to want me, REALLY want me because they find me sexy etc ad nauseam, NOT because we simply have a history together and it’s been said and done before. This was a question i had asked paul before we moved in together “do not move in with me if you do not love me like how i want to be loved and as i will love you in return.”
I had told Danny in the past that we were not going to sleep together, again. We were not in a relationship and I was not about to sleep with just anyone even if it is him, I can’t do that anymore. Tonight I made it more clear, and he said he understood but that he can’t ‘help himself’. What had hurt the most was that he had said “you should be so lucky i still want you” and i said “what the fuck does THAT mean?” and he wouldn’t clarify what he meant.
recently i received some emails from an ex-coworker who spilled out in no uncertain terms that he expected us to have a little something-something going on when I was living in Virginia and he seemed completely distraught that I had not shown him my nipple rings when I was working at UUNet (he found them on the Internet, which is ironic because most of those I worked with knew I was pierced). I’m not stupid, I knew what he was after when I was working at UUnet but to think that I would do something like that? What would be my gain? The person irritated me when we were working together because he worked under the all to common assumption that if you were pierced, tattooed or ‘alternative’ you were free and easy in sexual relationships. I hate that shit. I do. I hate the assumption that because I fulfill some sort of freak stereotype that i fall into others. Plus we disagreed on everything from politics (he was a gun-toting, NRA Republican) to music (he admitted to country). he was beige. His whole world was beige. I went to a party at his house and he had lived there for years and the only color that was there was from me spilling Lisa Secret Punch Recipe on his upstairs carpet when i tripped on lint. He had no furnishings in most of his house and everything was beige. It irritated the fuck out of me.
Here is what I don’t understand, is that if everyone is looking for love (or most of us anyways), then why all the compromisation? Why the manipulation and control issues? I nearly killed myself making the men I’ve been with feel like they were perfect just the way they were, because to me they are, but yet it was not returned. Yes they had faults but I never said “honey, you are perfect and yet you are too balding/hairy/fat/too many zits/too this/too that” (unless it was an argument as paul and i were wont to do and then hell hath no fury like a lisa scorned). Never ever did i make them feel that they would be more to me if they dropped weight, grew hair, got their back waxed. I want to be loved just as I am and they want mommy nurse slash concubine.
It was like the editorial i saw in Electronic Gaming Monthly that some fart wrote in stating that having ‘fat chicks’ in a skyy vodka ad was a ‘huge turn off’. Okay lets look at the market here: gaming, geeks, pale, probably chubby. Who the fuck are they to speak? HELLO! Pot meet Kettle! It was like the xbox nerd i saw at Don Pablos this weekend that sat there with his 500lb ass cheeks nearly splitting the chair and I kept expecting Triumph the Insult dog to come waltzing in like he did on the nrrd fest at Star Wars EP:1. That at least cheered me up.
I don’t know what I’m going to do.
This is why reading is so much better than dealing with reality, as you an always put it away for another day.

Friday (3/14), I have another psuedo date with Danny. Don’t get your panties in a bunch, while the elation of the kiss still lingers, there are MANY reasons why it would never work out between us (you know that whole he’s living with a lisa-look alike kinda kills it).
but then i got my horroscope for tomorrow:
Your Daily Horoscope for March 14, 2003
Dear lisa,
A passionate encounter with a love partner might cement the bond between you so thoroughly, lisa, that the two of you could start talking commitment, or even weddings. A romantic haze may permeate your interactions throughout the day, which feels very good. Still, you need to exercise some restraint in expressing your feelings. Hitting your friend with too much at once could have the opposite effect from what you’re hoping for. Be patient!
—-
You know, my damn horroscope has been saying I was going to fall in love with someone from another country and now this schiz. You’ve GOT to be kidding!

Friday night, Danny and I went out for dinner.
I was giddy that day, partially from the lack of sleep or partially from something else: I’ll never know. When he walked in through my door, he was hiding something behind his back. We went round and round through my front hallway and he presented me with a PowerPuff Girl toy and I squealed like a little girl.
Dinner was flirtatious.
We went to La Cantina, a local Mexican place, and we sat in the foray on a big bench that was high enough off the ground for us to swing our feet. We sat next to each other, thigh to thigh, arm to arm, as we watched patrons walk in and out of the restaurant. Our feet swinging to an invisable tune only we knew. I quipped I never wanted to be normal, like these women with their placed hair and perfect make up. My bangs were growing out and were dangling in my face. I had braided my hair into pigtails and I wore my playboy bunny earrings. I felt frisky and free with my juicy tubes lip gloss on watching these women walk through that had to be younger than me and looking as if they were going to faint from being so fucking placed. He said you look normal — now. Yah, I did I suppose. The facial piercings were gone. Tattoos were covered up. I looked like a college kid. Danny made up with it with having both eye brows pierced, head was freshly shaved, septum pierced (but hidden), one ear gauged up and the other one with a smaller earring. And he smelled so good. He was wearing Curve and I was sitting across from him dying the whole time. Men should not smell that good, it aint right.
We flirted all through dinner. He’d wink at me and I’d wink back. Except I can’t wink. I do it all exaggerated and it looks — funny and I mean it to look funny. And I asked him my typical questions “What turns you on”, I mean, we dated on and off for nearly seven years! We were acting like high school kids and personally I didn’t care.
Danny “gets me”. The media-whoring and the toy collecting and the electronics were all in spurned from him. His old apartment made my old cube at UUNet look sparse. It was that bad.
We giggled like ten year olds about going to Toys R US and were groaning because it was closed. We went to a local video store and walked through the DVDs and he knew even the indies and the straight-to-videos and it had been so long since I had spoken to someone like that. This is how we met. August. 1996. I was working at a Blockbuster and he was working as a welder and he came into my video store 3x a week. I’d flirt with him and he’d flirt back and he will tell you he fell in love with me before we even went on a date! The night he asked me out, we were talking in the parking lot for an hour and “It’s The End Of The World As We Know It (and I feel fine)” by REM came on the radio and I had danced in the parking lot like a madwoman.
We grabbed XXX and a sucker for me, then drove to my brothers, which was right down the street. I’m sucking on this damn sucker like there is no tomorrow and I’m putting on my gloves and Danny is calling me a pussy because why put on my gloves when we were so close? We get out the car and Danny is finishing his cigarette and I reach down, pack a snowball and SMACK on the chest. He throws the cigarette down and starts chasing me and I’m laughing hysterically. He grabs me and my sucker is incredulously still in my mouth and we almost tumble down to the ground in the snow. We are still laughing and my brother says we sound like hyenas. He high fives danny and makes rude comments. We laugh and leave racing through the snow.
Back at my apartment we start watching XXX and it’s getting late as he has to get up and work in the morning. I’m pushing my feet against his thigh and being a pain. My dogs are throwing themselves on him and he’s getting this disguntled look on his face with the dog hair and I chew my lower lip and watch XXX. At 11pm on the dot, he gets up and pushes Lily off of him and I walk him to the door, my hands in my back pockets and he hugs me and we stand there for a minute or five and he says something and I say something and we laugh and he reaches out and cups my face.
He kisses me.
I knew it was coming. I KNEW IT WAS COMING. I mumble something about how it took him long enough for him to kiss me and he says that I could have kissed him. I don’t say anything and I just reach up and kiss him again. Our lips are soft and there is a lot of tongue action going on and I kick him out of my apartment and clap my hands in glee after I lock the door.
Hence why I’m a shameless hussy.
hah.
People have said when they see us together, they think they see what couples are supposed to be like. He gets me and it shows. We get each other.
But (and there is always this but).
He’ll tell you, I’m a flake.
He’ll tell you I put myself before others. Or at least i did.
He’ll tell you that sex with me can be really hot and sexy and wonderful and then on the other hand, it’s a humiliating experience because when I’m angry no one is left alive.
He’ll tell you while I’m never boring, you never know where you stand or who you are talking to.
He’ll tell you I dream too much and I can’t be brought to earth.
He’ll tell you about the depth despairing depression that sometimes grip me like an iron glove.
These crystaline moments with him, give me hope. And I had wished long ago and far away that he and I could have finally just gotten married and gotten it over and done with and could have been happy but I got cold feet and ran. To San Franciso. haha. I ran 3k miles!
And I asked him, why do we do this? SEVEN YEARS! He said “In August”. ANd I smile and he smiles back and I say “yes. in august.” Back and forth back and forth. Round and Round it goes.
Danny is like a fav tshirt. I can slip him on and know how I’m gonna feel but, in the end, there are too many rifts between us, between me and me alone and it will never work. I will see him occassionally and we will grin like goofy idiots, but it’s so FUCING TEMPORARY! We were always good at temporary and never permenant.
I want someone who wants the more things I want and it’s not him. And kissing him, it’s cemented as there is no spark there used to be anymore. Before you could cut the sexual tension with a knife and now there is no tension, just acceptance and reassurance.
I had thought recently that I was done with him due to an argument but seeing each other I knew the reverse to be true except I know that it’s not like how it was in downtimes and teh inbetween times and that one of us or both of us have changed.
I want him happy and I know it’s not me.
That is what makes me the most sad, because in the depths of my grinch heart, I wish to some extent it was and I know it never will be.