girls who wear glasses

when i was 8 years and in the third grade, i was friends with Audrey and Valerie Ricebeck, who were fraternal twins. Val, Aud and I were like the three stooges: we were never somewhere without the others. While, like most twins, they were as different as night and day, it was strictly because of this that we three got along so well.

as best friends generally go, when one of them got something, the other two of us wanted it.

so when Val got glasses (or maybe it was Audrey — this was nearly 20 years ago — so i don’t quite remember), I had to have them to.

i faked not being able to see the blackboard, forcing my mom to take me to the eye doctors. turned out that i really did need glasses and was given a dorky pair from there on in.

later that year, Aud and Val moved to Ohio and i never heard from them again.

since that time, i’ve always grown up with an absolute hatred for glasses. my aunts tried to make me feel better about it by having gold lettered initials put in the corners (it was all the rage in the late ’70s), getting glasses that auto-darkened to the sun and basically anything that would make my life “easier”.

i never saw this to be so, though, really. you see, i was always convinced that NO ONE would touch me with glasses on. my lack of popularity or what have you was because i wore glasses. so when i started 8th grade, i begged and pleaded for contacts and eventually got them. then Nick Hill thought i was cute and we started dating as far as being in 8th grade goes and dating goes. he was the first boy i had ever kissed. later he dumped me before our “senior” trip to Cedar Point because i wouldn’t have sex with him while my best friend would. He also moved to Ohio later on that year — but that is another story.

it’s been over 14 years since that time — and granted the girl of 1985 is not the same girl in 1999 (though recently, i’ve been wondering if she and i were not the same now). and for a good chunk of that period, a very select few has ever seen me in my glasses.

i’ve worked really hard to live without them.

oh yesh, i’m blind as a bat, but i will not or would not out of sheer vanity wear my glasses. i hated them. i absolutely hated them. the frames were too big, it was this or it was that. while i made sure i went to the doctors every year or so to check my prescription, i would never get new glasses. i’ve always associated glasses with being fat and unattractive and thusly i just couldn’t see myself wearing them on a daily basis. i had brain washed myself to thinking that no one would EVER EVER want me in my glasses.

then justin came into my life and things started to change.

if i wore glasses around the house, Justin could not keep his hands off of me.

I always joked that since he loved me, he would take me regardless of what i was wearing. his argument was no, that something about how i looked in glasses (even the piece o crap ones that i owned) did “something” to him.

the pair that i had were over 10 years old, the frames were beaten, the ovals were WAY too big for my face. i only wore them when i ABSOLUTELY had to. i used to joke that you knew when i really liked you when i felt comfortable enough showing you my glasses. some people would say their insecurities would be about getting naked — with me it as about wearing glasses.

then earlier this year, i finally had enough money to spend on getting glasses AND contacts. i checked around found a place having a 2 for 1 frame sale. scheduled the appointment and viola! I walked out with 6 months worth of disposable contacts, one pair of funky frames and one pair of wireless frames.

I fell in love with my new glasses.

i would put them on when i was at home and just stare at myself. i couldn’t get or understand why glasses made me feel so, good, but these pairs did. both pairs both fit my personality and my facial features. i didn’t look fat or unattractive or trashy as i had brain washed myself to be: i looked CUTE.

but as they say, old habits die hard.

yesterday morning bean and i were playing around with my quickcam when she just adored me in my glasses. pawly saw the pictures and wrote to me nearly poetic verses about me and glasses — he intoned that i could go from “hot lil vixenous sloot to intelligent looking strong woman” in a matter of seconds with glasses on — and the irony was that every male i spoke to that day echoed the same thing!

something about girls in glassess…

i don’t get it — really.

mike said it best: he implied that a woman who would wear her glasses had moxy and self-confidence — which was really quite attractive. well duh — i mean, that is what every says about me as it is in the first place. i got to thinking. I went into the bathroom, put on the black funky pair, slapped some lipstick on and threw a funky barrette in my hair. I looked and looked.

This wasn’t the lisa i knew and adored usually — this was someone different. this was someone, in a way, i always wanted to be.

you see, for many years, people have always assumed that because i was tattooed and pierced that i would want to meet and date tattooed and pierced freaks as well. this is NOT always the case — i’ve always felt like my tastes were eclectic. while i had some common “lisa-isms” about men (tall, cute, goatee), i found that i was attracted to geeky guys. the quiet ones in the corner. the misunderstood guys who had all this passion and verve. the quiet smoldering type. with a hint of ego on the side.

the only person i’ve ever dated that was a ‘freak’ in piecing and tattooing was danny and he didn’t start his road to freak behavior till AFTER we broke up the first time around. Now he makes me look all dainty and pure with as much ink and metal he has in his body. but see, that ink and metal he has in his body makes him look really beautiful to me.

and it would ALWAYS piss me the fuck off when I would be with friends and if they knew or see some guy who had a zillion pieces of metal hanging out of his body, blue hair and wore leather like there is no tomorrow: they would ALWAYS assume that i would want to date this person. it just irritated the hell out of me.

my own reasoning for piercing and tattooing is pretty simple: i find it attractive on me. lisa without pierced nipples just don’t make sense. the tongue thing i keep waffling on (it’s in for now) — but the nipples are so me.

see, people always assume a lot of things about me: and a lot of it has to do with the impressions they get from my website or if they’ve met me in a face to face encounter. some just assume that i am this big outgoing freak and others assume that i’m this big emotional gangbusters or some even think that i can’t have any old fashioned ideas.

but see, that’s all true and not true.

growing up i was /really really/ shy. and in a lot of ways i combated that with being obnoxious and loud: just like my grandfather. i always had a smart mouth on me — and a lot of what my friends saw was that! but this didn’t mean that i never got scared or lonely or felt alone in any manner. nor did this mean that i have a hard time talking to people or feel awkward. but i make the best of it. i have a lot of gumption for a lot of things and in other areas i’m still socially retarded. like i’ve NEVER gone to a bar by myself. Ever. And up until a few weeks ago, I’ve never gone to a party or a movie alone. Those were two huge steps for me. I started hyperventilating — but I did it.

Me and glasses represent a lot of things in my head: and I can still see the very insecure, tall, too smart lisa (uh, i was always the only girl in my AP classes for a long time) who would have killed to be a dingbat if it meant that she would get a freaking date.

it’s funny.

in a lot of ways, sitting here writing this, i’ve realized that while a lot of what i’ve written may seem convoluted, there is a story here and an important one at that. i’m 27 now and i’ve realized that for the first time in a very long time, i really and i mean REALLY like who i am. while things like quitting smoking, working on my book or wearing glasses aren’t really true answers, they are paths that lead to idea of what i wanted. the problem has always been that my own representation of myself has never been as well clarified as i had always hoped it was. i always got so angry when people would just ASSUME that i was one thing when i always saw myself as being another and the wonder why there was always so many misconceptions of me.

i know it goes back to some of the original ideas i had when i was younger, that if someone really liked me (in any sense) that they would get the time to know me on a more intimate level. if they didn’t take that time or energy to invest in me — is this someone i really want in my life?

i’ve spent nearly 14 years shadowboxing the world. and i know it is because of this that people find me “amusing” because f the paradox i seemingly create. all sides are equal but they don’t match up.

i don’t think i’ll ever stop protecting myself from being hurt. likewise i don’t think i’ll stop putting people through tests but i know it’s that wearing glasses and getting pierced are really saying: if you like me, like me for my mind NOT because of what i look like or how many holes i have in my body (this is not discounting physical attractiveness — because i can be fairly shallow — but you know what i mean).

i know this is why i’ll always luv my pawly, because he gets me in a lot of root base desires that others don’t. and my danny for seeing a lot of the sides that i have and still caring about me regardless. and justin for initially setting me on the path. for shelly whose known me longer than anyone else. for bean for making me laugh and being geeky with me. and cartoon boy, who always asked the right questions and got me thinking about stuff and thinking that maybe someone would like me for being real.

a lot of who i am has everything to do with who you guys are.

i seemingly reflect the best that you all are.

i love you guys.


on that note, i’m taking off for Fresno for the day. I have to go do some “work” or something. I don’t know when i’ll be back. i have a lot of stuff to catch up on and then i take off for Memphis on Wednesday. 🙂 i may or may not update the chronicle until i get there — so be forewarned.

my favorite holiday is Halloween.

because everyday is like Halloween.

x0x0x0x0x,
moi a la mode

why

“never tell anyone anything, you’ll end up missing them.”
— quote on the halfshell from Catcher in the Rye

i’ve come to the conclusion i’ll never understand people.

ever.

there will be something that will continue to elude me for as long as i live. no matter how empathetic i can get or how on target my perceptions are, people will always remain a puzzle to me.

pawly was right when he said that not baring all was good — too much information was a disastrous thing.

i think my problem is, that for once i wanted normalcy and i got —

i can’t say a bad thing. because more was given to me in the last few months than i remember in a long time. but that doesn’t mean i still know why.

tonight i spent a considerable amount of time pacing the floors and banging my head against the wall wanting a cigarette. bean kept telling me, if i got through this, during this crisis (today has been the day from hell) i would get through all. i would be okay and that i could survive this. justin kept telling me the same damn thing as i cried and begged for ONE cigarette.

the smell of smoke was all around the house, making me sick, but i wanted a fucking cigarette.

and the world should know i decided to eat dinner first and not smoke or go to the store.

so i’m still holding clean.

you walk in, just like smoke
with a little c’mon c’mon c’mon
in your walk, c’mon
i’ve been waiting
are you waiting
for my move
i’m making it
you move me
you do
like i’ve never been done before
you don’t even know
what you do to me

the sad part is that sometimes we will allow our own pride to take precedence over anything else because of fear. and i realize that while a lot things always change, the same things remain the same.

i’ve been smoke free for almost four days now.

i at least have that.

and katchoo and Francine.

but katchoo was a smoker —

SHUT UP! she was also a lesbian! well she didn’t like men. speaking of which, i need to get the latest issues. i’m so behind.

lisa-fan: “heh… i took a picture of you, and pasted it into after dark the other day… so now i have you bouncing across my monitor during the day… it’s pretty relaxing… :)”

i already miss.

i’m so pathetic. aww well. my fault for hoping.

on the half shell
Within the last week i:

  • bought a ticket to Memphis
  • quit smoking
  • got unwanted house guests (who i can’t stand to begin with)
  • got accepted to Western Michigan U
  • lost 5lbs.
  • watched my best friend get proposed to and then jilted at the alter.
  • fall on my ass literally
  • become a raving psychopathic lunatic

I don’t know what’s going on. All I do know is that I keep driving people away. One minute I am “fine” and the next minute i’m a psychotic and depressive, accusatory and pushy. i’m defensive and i’m gonna end up having people hate me.

fast and easy
why is it, that everytime i get motivated to write in this damn thing, it always ends up being 6:28am and somehow or another the last 1/2 hour has been fritted away somewhere. then i say, i’m going to pick this back up at work and then i find i can’t because my train of thought has already disappeared.

funny that, for the last hour i had five different entries of things i wanted to write about this morning and now i’m getting writers block.

is this how a man feels when having sex?

my teeth are coated in sugar. remind me to never ever eat 1/2 bag of jolly ranchers again.

it’s been over 48 hours since i’ve quit smoking, officially. though it’s day three.

I feel like i REALLY owe an apology to a lot of people out there. i won’t name names but, i’ve been treating you rather shitty the last few days. I’m sorry. You gotta understand that the ONLY crutch i’ve had in the last 10 years has been cigarettes and i’ve kicked those to the curb. I never really thought about it, till they were gone, how much psychologically i needed them. How much I associated them with different rituals of my life. It’s scary. I go to grab for a cigarette and find that it’s not there! Woah.

I’m sorry. I’m really really sorry for being moody and paranoid and being a basic pain in the ass. I’m really sorry if I bit your head off, became defensive or picked fights with you. I’m really sorry for being so just damn icky these last few days. I haven’t liked it either, trust me.

guess what. It’s time for worksie!

muzak

i was sitting here, looking at the stack of 20 or CDs sitting on top of pleiades, and realized that i had nothing but depressing music. GEEZ!

Now Playing: Squirrel Nut Zippers:Hot.

Really bored?

Here is a list of all the cds I own.

I’m so cool beavis.

what’s sad is that i need another cd-rack. mine is erm, filled. i have no where am near danny though — he’s got over 500 CDs at last count. probably closer to a 1000. what’s even sadder is that i look at it and there is NOTHING there i want to listen to. grrrr. but that’s alright though, i have four or five new CDs showing up 🙂

thank god for mp3s. but you didn’t hear me say that.

ARGH!!!!!!!!!

My damn short attention span. I spend too much time at second spin. Here is a list of CDs I want. I’ll take ’em used. I’m not picky:

 


Artist
The JudyBats

Ibid

Ibid

3rd Bass

Ibid


CD
Daylight(cd-single)

Hold Your Horses – Judybats Rarities 1

When Southern Bells

Derelicts of Dialect

Cactus Album

 

Shit shit shit.

I’m sure, there are like a gazillion cds I want. However, I’m having an attack of amnesia.

Now Playing: JudyBats : Pain (Makes Me Beautiful).

Jesus christ on a pogostick!

Amazon.com has NO mention of this cd or anything by the Bats!! lemme try cdnow.com. yeah that’s it. GOOD GOD! Nothing at cdnow! Christ!! SOB!! One of the best bands from Tennessee in gods knows how long and well hell — best band in the late 80s/90s and freaking NOTHING. NOTHING AT CDUNIVERSE.COM EITHER!

It’s a conspiracy!!

I can’t find Judybats but they have Spoken word by Jewel?!? What’s up with that. I read her crap standing in a line one day at Barnes and Noble. The stupid bitch wrote a poem (in tribute to Charles Bukowski) called “Bukowsky’s Widow”. The dumb cunt spelled his goddamn name wrong! Gash.

I’m angsty. Well. Truth be told.

truth, justice and the lisa way

Ed.: Just got back from seeing Star Wars: Phantom Menace for the second time. DARTH MAUL IS SO SEXY! And I’ll probably see it one more time.

but anyway.

I was having a conversation with you know who (I swore I wouldn’t mention him again for a few days. I sound like a sappy high school girl. Next thing you know I’ll be drawing hearts an flowers!), but i digress, about trust, cheating and other predicaments.

now this particular person had has lovers cheat on him. he has trust issues. and i have no problem explaining things to him about people. i know a lot of people.

But again, I digress.

Anyone whose a fan of this site and has read back through all my pieces knows that I’m a HUGE fan of trust/honesty and commitment. Lord knows, all the whining I do on relationships, i was the one getting dumped on FAR MORE often then dumping of people. And in my whole life, I’ve only cheated twice. Once in high school on this guy Chris who I later found out had been cheating on me the whole time and dumped me for said girl. Alan cheated on me, Miguel cheated on me, the list is endless.

The second time I cheated on someone was with Danny, with Michael (I know too many damn Michaels!). (Miguel went by mike as well. Do you know see why my theory of ever male I know named Michael either dates a girl whose with someone or cheats on their girlfriend? It’s impossible!). I’m not proud of what I’ve done. And I have regretted it ever since then. I couldn’t have told Danny “I’m Sorry” enough to make it go away. I’ve done a lot of stupid things in my lifetime and a lot of stuff that I regret, but it has made me the person I am today. This is me.

Now, I used to believe in one-on-one relationships. My experiences with Jeff taught me about polyamory — and then I conceded that polyamory was for people who are afraid to make commitment. On the other hand, polyamorous relationships can have it’s benefits and as long as adults are consenting I don’t see a problem.

I’ve grown up. I’ve matured.

But, in all honesty, when Pawl and I used to talk about relationships and whatnot, and the possibility of US being in a relationship, and he said he didn’t care who I did as long as I came back to him. And sometimes that sounded fine — because I liked the idea of being FREE. But most of the time, It killed me because it showed just how little respect we had for each other. It didn’t grain with me at all.

But for the last couple of months, I’ve been doing some serious thinking. I’ve read all the books on commitment and polyamory, I’ve formed my own opinions for me.

I think, above and beyond anything else, trust and honesty is the way to go. If you are in a committed relationship with someone, and it’s monogamous, then it should remain as such. If you can’t keep your dick/pussy in your pants long enough to break up with the person, that shows, to me, how much disrespect you have for that person. I’ve been down that route. Especially when your bf of on/off of five years calls you and tells you “Hey — this 40yo chick just sucked me off. Everything I do, I do for you baby!” I still cringe when I hear those words.

My own personal experience is that after Alan dumped for another chyk (whom he had been cheating on me with). For three years I was single. I swore that no man would ever have my heart ever again. Not like that. It was too painful. It hurt way too much. I could never ever love like that. Proof in point, when I saw an Alan duplicate last year, my stomach dropped to the floor and I almost started crying. In the middle of the restaurant no less. I still loved the bastard after all these years. It never goes away, the pain just dims to a fading memory.

And I know where my faults lie. The internet is safe, c’mon it’s true. You can form intense relationships that last for days and feel like years. You get to know all the person you can and there is always something missing. I’ve said this publicly to my friends too many times: I like knowing I can see the person when I want to see them. Meaning, they don’t get the full Lisa-effect. They get what I choose to share with them. It’s safe. No real hurt involved. Nothing. It gets easier as time goes on. You put on this mask and you become a shell of yourself. They will never see how you look at certain movies, how you taste, how you feel against them at night. It’s a sham. I hate internet relationships. But in my own shyness offset, it’s the only way I could deal because after putting so much trust and hope into one person and have that person walk all over you — it’s hard.

the irony is that right now, i’m in a quasi-relationship. i refuse to define it. I know it’s there. this is something real. Because I can’t not help what he would look like when he laughs. And I took that piece of information and chewed on it for awhile and realize that i need to make it somewhat real. No more pixilated pictures. Nothing. I’ve spoken on this time and time again. It has to be real or it’s nothing.

i keep digressing.

justin used to laugh at all the mens i would have on a string — and it’s easy and it’s true. and every single one of those men on internet knew as well as i did that nothing would come of this. we would never meet. it was a diversion for whatever reason. and that’s okay too. and i’ve remained friends (for the most part) with those mens for a long time. good friends. more chances then not it was more platonic then romantic because the spark wasn’t there. and on the internet, everything is nothing but undercurrents and what not. they have other dalliances. i have mine. and then it ends.

earlier today when i got home from work, i was thinking about my friend victor.

i haven’t spoken to him in eons it seems, but he said something that struck in my mind: that the more a girl likes someone the more apt that she’s not going to use protection with that person. at first i laughed and said he was wrong, but went back to him a few days later and told him he was right. i looked back at my own relationships and knew that i was more apt to go condom-less the more i liked a person. but lisa has more self-respect for herself. a deep seeded fear after finding out that Alan not only slept with me bare-back but the bitch bare-back drove me insane. there has only been one person in the last five years i’ve slept without a condom on, and that was danny. we were monogamous (i used condoms with michael thank you) and i get checked every year. I don’t EVEN think about sleeping with someone without a condom now. it’s habit. one of the guys i car pool with left a condom in my car. i shoved it in my wallet. i started joking with my friends that it was for the “just in case” i ever met someone that i dug (hahahahahahahah). i always see the humour in that.

back on track lisa.

oh yeah, sorry.

so anyway, i started thinking about what victor said and related it to relationships. love can be defined by me in so many ways and i started thinking about all the guys i’ve liked in the past. how far would i go? for the most part, not very far. it would be as it was an that was that. but i noticed that once i started singling out things about a certain person. how much time i talk to them, email them, want to see them, everything else falls into place. you make allowances for that person that you wouldn’t make for others. what victor said was downright brilliant.

i’ve always been afraid on how to like someone again. really like someone. because the whole world is a stage and your the performer. and you really don’t want to fuck up. and i worry about that, worry that one of my little idosyncricies will shine through and that person will run away screaming in fear. there is so much in my head that has never been let out. i find myself recounting stories to whatshisname that never make it into regular conversation with anyone.

i liked justin, but I didn’t LIKE HIM LIKE HIM, if you knwo what I mean. I’ve only “liked” a few people in all those years — most I could give a shit about.

whoo boy. 🙂

i’ve made my decision, delirious and free.

i had this vision of who i was and who i wanted to be. i’ve recounted it several times over the years and lately within the last year — being in this constant blue funk. and lately i’ve noticed that i’ve been noticing the little things. the way the clouds hang over SF. The way Cat puckers when putting on lipstick, the angle of the shopping carts the homeless leave. the curve of my leg in shorts. things that in the past year went by in a blur.

i used to feel time was running out on me. i wouldn’t live long and that i would have nothing left to show for it. sometimes i wonder just how much you can say before you make a fool out of yourself.

in conclusion, i just want to say this: if you are in a relationship with someone, and you honestly are in love with them. tell them. daily. tell them you care. if you’re not in love with them, break up with them. leave them. find someone who can make you happy. Just don’t ever lie to them or cheat on them. You’ll regret it in the morning.

I’ve got a spring in my step lately and i’ve been feeling good. and maybe it’s because i’m taking time out for me for once. looking at who i am. feeling myself out.

and you know?

for once i like who i am.

and that, in itself is a small miracle.