Gratitudes: March 14 – March 20, 2016

epbab-header-gratitude
Dear Internet,
Gratitudes and things that make me happy are a part of my carding coursework, and I track them everyday and I’ll post them here every Sunday. (And I also acknowledge this is going to take me a few weeks to go beyond “I have killer hair.”) You can also find the a list of all my gratitudes here.
gratitude
This week I’m in Chicago for C2E2, the yearly event I have attended since 2012. Instead of my usual ten things I’m grateful for, it’s just going to be one big one, which I’ve been breaking down in bits and pieces over the past weeks:

  1. I’m grateful for everyone who has given me support, cheerled me on, gave advice, offers of hospitality when I needed it, and so much more. I keep telling people the big lesson that I’ve learned in the last year or so is humility and gratitude. My life is still a delicate eco-system and I think on one level it is always going to be, but the foundation is much stronger thanks to everyone who has come forward with help. Really, I’ll probably be repeating this gratitude a lot in the upcoming weeks and months because I really am that grateful for everything that has been given to me. As much as it gnaws at my soul to say that I’m “blessed,” I am feeling pretty beatific these days.

Thank you.
happy

  1. Vintage cameras
  2. Literary maps and cartography in general
  3. Learning a new language
  4. Shield maiden barrettes 
  5. Van Gogh’s The Cafe Terrace on the Place du Forum Arles at Night
  6. glitter gel pens

xoxo,
Lisa

This Day in Lisa-Universe: 2014, 2003

Gratitudes: March 7 – March 13, 2016

epbab-header-gratitude
Dear Internet,
Gratitudes and things that make me happy are a part of my carding coursework, and I track them everyday and I’ll post them here every Sunday. (And I also acknowledge this is going to take me a few weeks to go beyond “I have killer hair.”) You can also find the a list of all my gratitudes here.
gratitude

  1. The deluge of places wanting to, or have an interest in, interviewing me
  2. Publishers because without them I would have no books
  3. I am grateful for yoga keeping me centered and balanced
  4. The ability to make choices that is best for me not for someone else
  5. For my internal strength. I may get knocked a lot but I always come back swinging
  6. For learning compassion for myself and for others
  7. For learning forgiveness and letting go
  8. For Wellabutrin seemingly working #fingerscrossed
  9. The kindness of others towards me
  10. Continuing to take accountability for my actions

happy

  1. Rugby
  2. Mermaid blue in my hair
  3. My pug in a mug tea infuser
  4. Hotel Chocolat
  5. My collection of Chucks
  6. Hugs
  7. All kinds of kisses (not just the ones from a new lover)
  8. Glitter pens
  9. Jane Austen retellings
  10. Sudoku

xoxo,
Lisa

This Day in Lisa-Universe: 2014,

Gratitudes: February 29 – March 7, 2016

epbab-header-gratitude
Dear Internet,
Gratitudes and things that make me happy are a part of my carding coursework, and I track them everyday and I’ll post them here every Sunday. (And I also acknowledge this is going to take me a few weeks to go beyond “I have killer hair.”)
gratitude

  1. Ms. Lizzie Locks for her amazing kindness towards me and Thursday the Pug (She sent Thursday toys and snacks from her dogs, Sophia and Stormy. The dog is going insane.)
  2. The internet, without whom I would not be the person I am today that is how important it is in my life
  3. TheExHusband for everything he has done and will do to keep me moving forward
  4. Potential employers who extend an interview request to me
  5. The pug simply because her silliness makes me smile
  6. Being biologically in excellent health
  7. For people who do not like me for it reminds me that standing by what I think is right and true is the sacrifice I am willing to make over pleasing everyone
  8. That we all want to love and be loved
  9. Friends whom I haven’t spoke to in months and we can pick up just where we left off
  10. I’ve said this numerous times across my site but it needs to be on the list — TheBassist for breaking up with me. It was perhaps the greatest gift he could have given me for it helped deter a terrible crash, deal with my issues, get the help I need, and make me a better person. Thank you.

happy

  1. Freshly washed hair
  2. Bubble baths
  3. Hot cup of tea
  4. Iced coffee
  5. New office supplies
  6. Sharpies
  7. Planning fantasy vacation
  8. Reading
  9. Writing
  10. My collection of fountain pens

xoxo,
Lisa

This Day in Lisa-Universe: 2003

micacious

Dear Internet,
Housekeeping:

  • I’ve been keeping up with my Silly Pictures goal
  • I’ve meditated for 236 consecutive days
  • Wednesday 3/9 marks my 7th week of smoke freeness
  • I’m making some headway into my 50 Things project
  • I am still exercising, of some sort mainly yoga, a few times a week since November
  • Job application status (Start date: January 24, 2016)
    • Total: 25
      • Academia: 21
      • Public: 3
      • Other: 1
    • Rejections: 4
    • Interest: 2 3 (As I’m writing this, I got an offer to do a video interview. Hell fuck yeah.)

I’m keeping better stats on my job hunt, mainly for my own edification. As for the “interest” bit, the “other,” which was a corporate gig, called me on Friday and left a message to talk about the position in question. I returned the call and two days later, nothing. The other interest was from a public library system that wanted me to complete a civil service test which would last an hour. THEN if I passed the civil service test, I would get a call back for an interview, however, there is no known time from the test to the interview. It’s a 10 hour drive, one way, to the city so I had to politely decline.1
But hey! It’s keeping up with my above average of 1ish in 10 on interest/interviews to applications submitted.
(I have been expecting the deluge of rejections / interviews to start happening around this time. The jobs I applied for at the end of January / beginning of February, closed near the tail end of February so decisions are coming out now.)


I drew up a plan for what I’m going to do on a M-F schedule to keep up with all of my projects. Part of that plan was to write once a week over at the profesh site and in addition to the weekly gratitudes, write here twice a week. We see how well that’s going, but for once I am not beating myself up because things are not on a tight schedule, which is a huge difference from where I was even a few months ago.


Speaking of ThePlan, I had a breakthrough with my therapist this week. For the first time in four months, I sat down and said, “These are the issues I am having and these are the things I want to change.” I know you’re thinking, “Okay, Lisa, you’ve been seeing a therapist for that long of time and you’re just getting to the meat of your crazy?” Au contraire my friend, I’ve been spending the last four months pulling my ass out of the giant hole that exploded back in October. Couple that bullshit with jobs, family, lack of money, and other large topics of discussion, I haven’t had a time to really think about that kind of stuff or really how to fix me. I was more interested in putting out fires.
Along with job hunting process, being crazy is a full-time gig.
I broke down to my shrink about this plan, telling her I was sorting out what I needed to do on a weekly basis (work on TeamTreeHouse, job hunt, DBT, journaling to name a few) into daily chunks and she said, “Lisa. You do understand you’re spreading yourself thin, right?”
Honestly? I thought I wasn’t doing enough. That sounds a reasonable thought, doesn’t it? If you look at my newly planned calendar, I have, on average, six things assigned to each day. Two of them I approximated two to three hours each (and I was being generous). The other four? No idea on time. Just glancing at the remaining objectives, they could last anywhere from 15 minutes to an hour each and that is not including time to yoga, meditate, eat, shower, and housekeeping duties that add-on the daily lists.
My argument to her is, “Look. I need to apply for jobs. I need to work on refreshing / learning new skills using TeamTreeHouse. I need to check my email on a regular basis and I need to keep up with my RSS feeds to keep abreast of library trends. I can not not do these things.” “Maybe something has to go?” “Okay, what?” “That’s for you to figure out and prioritize.”
(This is not a verbatim conversation but you get the general gist.)
When I came home from the session, I gave TheExHusband the tl;dr and he agreed with my shrink. “You’re spreading yourself too thin. You don’t have to do everything right this second and at the exact same time.”
I agree.
Obviously the job hunt is top of that list and it buttresses neatly with the day to day stuff mentioned above. That’s the given.  But as for the rest of it? I have no idea, right now, how to stagger it so I’m not overwhelmed. As I explained above, I don’t have TeamTreeHouse set for everyday, it’s for twice a week. Writing on my profesh blog is only once a week. Writing here is twice a week.
This type of balancing act is what’s been keeping me in my thoughts this week. I’ve been pretty motivated to keep pushing forward because I’ve now got a history of not giving up on projects. The exercise, the meditation, the quitting smoking, and the on going stuff for 50 Things. I am not as susceptible to starting projects and abandoning them as I once was. I’m not saying I’ve perfected the best balance for home / work, as that’s bullshit, but I have a better control on my life than a year ago.
I’ve always been a fighter, that pretty strongly evident through the course of my life, so it’s never been a big concern that I would not pick myself up by my Chucks. I’ve never thought I wouldn’t get out of here. I may have been pissed it was taking so long, but if anything this last 18 months has shown me, I can do this.
Where as before I would think myself as a loser or failure for not following ThePlan or the calendar or whatever I’ve concocted to a T, I get that I’m not perfect, life is not perfect, and if I want to be happy, I need to be fluid on many of my plans.
And if you read anything prior to the last six months on ThePlan, you know to be true.
So all in all, how I’m handling this makes me proud and gives me the hope I can get an even better grip on my life.


After that, “Go get’m girl!” speech, it seems a little spurious to switch gears, but that’s how I roll.
I’ve been pretty open I’ve been having bouts of depression these last few months or so. It’s different from the blow up in October (manic depression) where I was crying on the couch for hours on end, binge eating (skip breakfast, lunch, splurge on dinner or some variant), sporadically showering. No, this was subtle. Quieter. I wasn’t having suicidal feelings. I was able to do things that I needed to do without feeling much issues. I would feel, “Huh. It’s gray outside. I’m gray inside. Whatevs.” and continue on with my day.
It was super frustrating to know this was depression happening and I couldn’t meditate, yoga, or whatever my way out of it.
So when I saw my medicating shrink a few weeks ago, I gave him the above and told him I felt my depression was around 8 out of 10. He put me on Cymbalta, which is fast acting (takes a few days to kick in instead of a few weeks) and hoping this would be enough.
If you’ve been reading my site for a few years now, you know I’m super sensitive to drugs. I’ve had psychotic breaks on ADHD meds, suicidal thoughts on SSRIs, and a whole host of other problems. The currently bipolar cocktail (Lamtical (400mg) and Risperdone (not sure of the amount of but it’s the beginning dose)) works really, really well. The symptoms are in control and I am so fucking aware of my triggers it’s insane. (“You’re one of the most self-aware people I know!”) The anxiety is kept in check with Klonopin and Hydroxyzine, but depression, however, is a whole ‘nother ball of wax based on the aforementioned problems.
I won’t go into too much specifics but anti-depressant drugs fall into three classes: SSRIs, SNRIs, and Atypical. SSRIs are the ones most people know about (effexor, paxil, etc) and the ones that make me, honestly, psychotic. SNRIs is where Cymbalta lives and last week it showed that after metabolizing it for a few days, I felt awesome (3 out of 10) for a few days, and then the rage hit so hard, I would have beaten up the couch if given a chance. Atypicals, where Latuda and Wellbutrin live, are pretty much my last shots. I was on Wellbutrin ages and ages ago and I don’t remember how I reacted to it, but then again, I was on a whole different bipolar cocktail. Latuda, I’ve never been on.
So to finally put this to some kind of ending, the doc put me on Wellbutrin, which I started today, and I should see some kind of result in a few weeks. (And hopefully not in some kind of psychotic rage. 😀 )
Viva la crazy drugs!
xoxo,
Lisa

1. My clearly out of state address was on the app and the follow up email. I half expected they would reject me based on that information. But nope. Go figure.

This Day in Lisa-Universe: 2013, 2004, 2003, 2001

Gratitudes: February 22 – 28, 2016

epbab-header-gratitude
Dear Internet,
Gratitudes and things that make me happy are a part of my carding coursework, and I track them everyday and I’ll post them here every Sunday. (And I also acknowledge this is going to take me a few weeks to go beyond “I have killer hair.”)
gratitude

  1. Learning how to properly breathe during meditation
  2. For being able to recognize the things I need to change
  3. For having known my father
  4. My car is in good shape
  5. For falling in love with books to allow me to travel all over the world
  6. My capacity to always want to fall in love with everyone and thing I meet
  7. For finding out I don’t have breast cancer
  8. The changing of the seasons to indicate that nothing remains the same
  9. For people who are kind to me even if I’m not kind to them
  10. For those who teach me about humility

happy

  1. The way my skin feels after moisturizing it
  2. Medium rare steak
  3. The magnitude of available British television
  4. Fuzzy socks
  5. That moment between getting out of the shower and grabbing a towel and the temperature is just perfect
  6. Fresh mani/pedis
  7. Movie popcorn
  8. New journals
  9. Singing
  10. Fleece tights

xoxo,
Lisa

This Day in Lisa-Universe: 20152001, 2000

Gratitudes: February 15 – 21, 2016

epbab-header-gratitude
Dear Internet,
Gratitudes and things that make me happy are a part of my carding coursework, and I track them everyday and I’ll post them here every Sunday. (And I also acknowledge this is going to take me a few weeks to go beyond “I have killer hair.”)
gratitude

  1. For the family I have chosen
  2. For previous lovers who let me view and share in their worlds
  3. For those I have met over the years who have helped shape me into the person I am today
  4. For my pets who showed me what unconditional love really is
  5. For Caravaggio for allowing me to not only fall in love with his work but to finally get what art history really means
  6. For understanding that a million decisions brought me to this point in life
  7. For crazy drugs to allow me to be healthier rather than crazy(ier)
  8. For the wind through the trees to allow me to allow the gods to talk to me
  9. For sticking to my guns for doing the right thing
  10. Believing in the goodness of others

happy

  1. An unexpected phone call from someone I love
  2. Writing letters and the joy people have when they receive them
  3. The smell of fresh cut grass
  4. The feel of clean sheets
  5. Glitter gel pens for making me smile when i write
  6. Chocolate. Because chocolate.
  7. Good burgers
  8. Making snow angles

xoxo,
Lisa<

This Day in Lisa-Universe: 20152004, 2002, 1999

Gratitudes: February 8 – 14, 2016

epbab-header-gratitude
Dear Internet,
Gratitudes and things that make me happy are a part of my carding coursework, and I track them everyday and I’ll post them here every Sunday. (And I also acknowledge this is going to take me a few weeks to go beyond “I have killer hair.”)
gratitude

  1. I am thankful for my parents for without them there would be no me
  2. I am thankful for the life I’ve been able to experience
  3. I am grateful there are preventatives for my allergies so I won’t be dead
  4. I am thankful for Kate, the person whom if I tell her I shot a man in Reno to watch him die, she would shoot him again to make sure he’s dead and then ask me where we’re going to bury him
  5. I am thankful I can often make people laugh
  6. I am grateful my body is strong and healthy to let me move the way I need it to
  7. I thankful my car is paid off
  8. I am grateful for my champions when I went back to college, for without them I would not excelled or want to continue with my education
  9. I am grateful for Natalie who gets my Jane Austen obsession and who can really make me think
  10. I am grateful I have the capacity to share all different kinds of love with all different kinds of people

happy

  1. Long, near scalding, showers,
  2. Long soaks in a bathtub, when I can read until my skin is pickled
  3. The way my body feels after I moisturize it with coconut oil
  4. That first snowfall
  5. Gerbera daisies
  6. When I finish my todo list for the day and everything is completed
  7. The smell of just out of the oven baked goods; even more so if I have baked them myself
  8. Sleeping with my teddy bear
  9. The first kiss of a potential lover
  10. Getting cards and letters in the mail

xoxo,
Lisa

This day in Lisa-Universe in: 20152010, 2010, 2001, 1999

Gratitudes: February 1 – 7, 2016

epbab-header-gratitude
Dear Internet,
Something we should all be doing is showing gratitude for what we have in our lives — it’s being thankful for what one has versus what one wants. Writing down gratitudes, privately in a journal or publicly on the interwebs, is an essential part of DBT and meditation as well as being really important for borderlines. Within the last week my DBT book and my mediation guru have suggested writing down one gratitude a day and at the end of week, ending the list with a total of 10.
Gratitudes and things that make me happy are a part of my carding coursework, and I track them everyday, so this should be easy to complete every week and obviously I’ll post them here every Sunday. (And I also acknowledge this is going to take me a few weeks to go beyond “I have killer hair.”)
gratitude

  1. My therapist for understanding
  2. I am not physically ill
  3. I have a large support network
  4. I am tenacious
  5. I have killer hair
  6. I have a big heart
  7. I try to do good things for others
  8. People who have faith in me

happy

  1. The smell and taste of pineapple juice
  2. Trader Joe’s dark chocolate covered pretzels
  3. The “Most Interesting Man in the World” commercials
  4. Key & Peele shorts
  5. Wearing my grey old man cardigan (I have two in separate styles)
  6. Wearing my Black Phoenix Alchemy scents, especially Bliss

xoxo,
Lisa

This day in Lisa-Universe in: 2015,1999

50 Things To Do in 2016: 51 – ?

Dear Internet,
But what I need, what I believe everyone needs, is to plan for things and accomplishments in the next year. Some of them can be quite small and others can be amazingly large. One thing I totally want to kick ass at this year? Being silly. I’m goofy as hell but I need to be sillier more and t’ll help with my often crippling social anxiety. A couple of things you may also note in these lists: Nothing having to do with romance and no couple-y things. I’m on dating lockdown for at least a year. It’s all about me, baby! Here is my own 50 things to do in 2016 list,10 of which I’ll reveal over each day over the next 5 days. 
In case you missed it, here is 1 – 10, 11 – 20, 21 – 30, 31 – 40, 41 – 50
The list is called 50 Things to do in 2016 and yet here is 51 on forward. Well you know, once a girl scout always a girl scout. Honestly, the biggest goal is to break out of my (self-described) shell and be sillier, more fun, and (safe) risk taking. And as I find these things I want to do, I am going to keep on adding them to the list.
50 Things To Do in 2016: 51 – ?

  1. Color more
    1. I started coloring about a year ago and fell in love. But as new hobbies come and go, this one was put by the wayside when knitting picked back up. I’ve received a number of coloring books as gifts in the last year and I like the feeling I get when I finish a page, much like finishing a knitting project. This is a wonderful self-care method.
  2. Create a radical self-love bible
    1. Christ. It’s been a solid year since I started writing about this and it’s still on my mind. I purchased Gala’s book when she self-published it last year and started to work my way through it, but, like much of the projects I’ve started, I haven’t moved forward with this at all. But the one thing I have figured out is Gala’s book, along with other similar woo-woo feeling stuff, is mostly DBT. It’s all about self-soothing, self-care, and rewiring the brain. This is stuff I need to do.
  3. Do DBT 3x a week
    1. Did DBT come first or did the woo? Probably the woo but I have books written by revered shrinks who provide the science behind the woo and call it DBT. Does it work? Yes. So why in the fuck should I care if it’s “self-radical” or “DBT”? I don’t.
  4. Finish all the projects
    1. Well, as mentioned above, I have a hard time finishing started projects. I’ve listed several of them on this list (coloring, knitting) and as individual things and this as an overall thing.
  5. Dye hair a rad color
    1. My hair has been many a rad color but usually the bangs or highlight pieces. I’m thinking I want to do an overall color. Not sure yet.
  6. Pick up a new hobby or improve an old one
    1. Part of the #54, here I want to finish a knitting project, start/finish a complicated knitting project (#10),  and either move forward on improving this hobby or pick up a new one.
  7. Be courageous
    1. I know based on past events, people tend to think of me as already being courageous but I want to do more.
  8. Try to clear out my RSS list once a week
    1. I have 7500 (and growing!) articles begging to be read. With the exception of personal friends’ updates, I need to get this cleaned up.
  9. ?
  10. ?

50 Things To Do in 2016: 41 – 50

Dear Internet,
But what I need, what I believe everyone needs, is to plan for things and accomplishments in the next year. Some of them can be quite small and others can be amazingly large. One thing I totally want to kick ass at this year? Being silly. I’m goofy as hell but I need to be sillier more and t’ll help with my often crippling social anxiety. A couple of things you may also note in these lists: Nothing having to do with romance and no couple-y things. I’m on dating lockdown for at least a year. It’s all about me, baby! Here is my own 50 things to do in 2016 list,10 of which I’ll reveal over each day over the next 5 days. In case you missed it, here is 1 – 10, 11 – 20, 21 – 30, 31 – 40
50 Things To Do in 2016: 41 – 50

  1. Join a club
    1. This one I’ve been trying to do since I’ve been in L-Ville and it’s much harder than you think. I’ll keep plugging away at it.
  2. Be vulnerable to at least one person
    1. This is going to be hard — and choosing who with
  3. Go on a random long drive once a month
    1. Similar to being lost in a city, doing something I normally wouldn’t do
  4. Buy sexy underwear
    1. All of my bras and undies are just fun colored bras and undies. I want to buy a sexy matching set. For me
  5. Take a myself out on a date 1x a month
    1. Well, got to show off that underwear to someone
  6. Show gratitude
    1. I try to do this daily but sometimes I need to amp up my game
  7. Beat Zelda
    1. This is contingent on when I get a place of my own and can unpack my TV and my console games. I really need to beat a Zelda game
  8. Buy something completely frivolous
    1. No idea what this could be but I’d like to see it in the $100 price range. Something to save up for?
  9. Master one programming language
    1. I am currently enthralled with Team Treehouse and their coding classes. Free via my library and but if not, I will totally pay $25/mo for their services. With their help, I should be able to master, or at least get fluent in, at least one language.
  10. Don’t be publicly snarky / bitchy / sarcastic for a week
    1. I’ve done this before in the past and it was amazing to see how much snark came out of my mouth.

xoxo,
Lisa

This Day in Lisa-Universe:  2015, 20152014, 2001