lisa the geek

As many of you probably know, I recently acquired a Macintosh. I know I know, no — hell hasn’t frozen over. Basically what happened was that in the process of doing Y2k inventory, all the “junk” machines such as the production machine I was doing IEAK on, were not being included and were going to be sold off. I bought a Macintosh Quadra, 17 inch monitor, CD-ROM reader/writer (SCSI) and an external SCSI drive for, get this 100 bucks!. I’ve been spending all weekend getting it hooked up. The only fucked up part is that it’s a 68k Mac and NOT a power PC. gash. But anyway, you would be surprised how much software is still available for the 68k Mac. So I’m sitting here, doing the chronicles on my Mac (named imhotep) while my linux box plays Ned’s Atomic Dustbin God Fodder.

This so owns.

See, this was part of the problem. Mainly I wanted to have two boxen: One would run linux of some distro (now it’s Mandrake aka RedHat on crack) and some sort of gui based OS. The problem was that with Linux, many of what I use and do, there is nothing out available for it. I tried doing TLC on a linux boxen and lemme tell you, it was not easy. Mainly the thing is my spelling (very important of course) sucks major ass — and I needed a spell checker. There was NO getting around that. The only thing I found for linux was iSpell, which is okay but it kept saving the files to /home/lisa/temp — which was pissing me off. It would save the files as “12aksjdhf.tmp”. Then doing a hunt and peck looking to see which file was what with pico ain’t my idea of fun. I needed something that was literally easy, I could run my lame ass apps (like Aol/IM/ICQ/Eudora) and where i could also fuck around in linux. I wanted best of both worlds. heh.

Anyway, the problem with running solely Linux was the fact that half of my hardware wasn’t running. We are talking about a second generation Sony Vaio (200mhz) which I had pimped out with 12gig’s and 64mb of ram and a PHAT 56k modem. heh. Anyway! Moving right along, sound didn’t work — and with no sound when lisa is working makes for a very unhappy lisa. Everyone and their brother tried to help me out — nothing was working. It was some sort of legacy issue — that and PnP of course. But, thanks gods for Justin. I walked away from my comp the other day and he sat down, reinstalled Mandrake, got ipchains working, setup the firewall AND got it so that my sound was working. So now I’m jamming to Ned’s and typing on mah mac. 🙂

This rocks.

ph33r my elitness

grey cell green
So, nearly 10 days ago when i wrote my last missive, shit has been fucked up all around. My car got towed and I owed the City of SF 600 bucks to get it out of impound. I’ve been playing “Am I getting fired today?” at work (very long story — and no I’m not). I’ve been uber depressed. Been walking around listening to nothing but Front242/FrontLine Assembly/KMFDM — anything industrial/techno/gothic based. Spending too much time being really down on myself. I wish I had something specific to pinpoint as to WHY I’m feeling like shit — I mean — depression is coming. I knew when I went out and bought “raven mist” hair color and painted my nails “seduction” (aka blood red). I know shit is fucked up all over — and it didn’t seem to get better. I didn’t know what was going on, I didn’t know how to handle it. As obvious by Justin shaking me on the corner of 2nd and Stillmen when my car got towed. I’m slowly going INSANE. People are commenting left and right to me that they haven’t quite “seen” me like this in eons — and I know what it signifies. The next couple of months are going to be ultra-crucial. I’m moving to VA on October 7thish, I’m going to Atlanta, I’m moving to a new state — starting a whole new life. I should be FUCKING happy and I’m not. I keep degrading myself down to these pitiful little holes of hell and it’s driving me mad. I just wanted to be happy — and I think that everyone wants that as well. But I’m finding that all my old “things” that I was so angry at are resurfacing. Read anything before TLC came on-line in July of 1998 — you’ll see what I mean. Many of it still seems to be tripe to me — but a lot of echoes how I feel right now.

My mom is joining a convent soon. How quaint.

I’ve been trying to write a TLC for days now — but finding it harder and harder to do so.

I don’t know what’s happening to me.

Paul said I need to face my fears and only then will I be free.

Maybe.

I just fear some major heavy ultra-rejection.

I don’t know how strong I’m supposed to be and how much stronger I need to keep being. Sometimes I just want to die. I won’t lie to you. I’ve been calling the music I’ve been listening to “Slit Your Wrist” music. I’m not kidding. Do a search for Front 242 lyrics for the album “Off” — you’ll see exactly what I mean. I’ve been walking around going mumbling “just be myself, can i just be myself”.

I told someone 30 was my cut-off point. If I don’t accomplish a lot of what I want to do before I’m 30 — I’m gone. Now before you start going “Um, Lisa, that is SUCH a cry for help” and calling your local suicide hotline, don’t bother. 98% chance that I won’t off myself (I made a funny!). Anyone who has known me for years that these things pass with time and I’m never serious — however, I know that many of us feel, that from time to time, life isn’t worth living. And sometimes I’m happy that I made it through my first suicide attempt 10 years ago, and other times I wish I would have died. But that is neither here nor there. I’m just telling you how it is folks, that is why you are here.

I will make no illusions that I’m being serious. For a few days, i was dead serious. But, I have (and will always know) that this passes with time. Being bipolar manic depressive isn’t cool kids. It sucks major ass. Lemme tell you.

But things are looking up. I’m removing myself from one situation and starting anew life. I’m really digging someone I’ve been digging for 6 months and he’s mein gott (g). I had to say it to taunt him.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, there is so much, that you as a general public are not aware of. So much lies behind me then what meets the eye. Some people are not comfortable with knowing THAT MUCH about me — others want to own my soul. I give what I can — when I can. I give to those I feel deserve it and when I feel they need to have it. It’s not a game — it’s my life.

i’ve always been strong — and I’ve always attempted to make some sort of peace within my life. I’ve always strived to be the VERY FUCKING BEST that I can be. And that threatens people — and it’s harmful to others. My megalomania can be daunting. Fuck, I just created a new IM name: LishaIsGod. heh. Cos, I am god. this is my fucking world and I’m letting you enjoy it. If you piss me off, nothing a little DENY won’t work magic on.

I’m rambling.

Someone once asked me long ago the purpose of this site. I’ve been on slashdot, I’ve been linked a time or five from UserFriendlys website — People know of me. I’m not some nameless person in the crowd (well — heh). I am someone.

And see, in some sick twist of fate, this is NOT what I wanted. I never wanted to be known as se7en’s exfuck (which, two years later, still fucking haunts my ass), or anything other than myself. This website was purposely for my own purposes — I write to feel better. I write to create. I write to look back and laugh at my own stupidity or my own wisdom. You, the general public, just think I rock on with my frock on. And that’s okay too. I’ve created new identities for myself and I’ll keep creating till one fits who I am. Things are looking up. I’m hopeful, I’m optimistic, I’m moving on up (to the east side!).

I’m okay — really.

I’m telling you all this now because how could I not tell you. For over a year now, my life has been an open book Many people probably know WAY more about me then they want to know — but, that’s okay. I’m here and I’m still kicking and screaming and that says something. I’ve always known that if I was going to off myself, I would have finished the job that I started 10 years ago. But, I know that many things are going to happen, it does get easier and I have a 6’6 sadistic motherfucker waiting for me in Atlanta.

Things aren’t what they always appear to be — and I know that. And I’m rational enough to know that only I can control my fate (I won’t tell you WHY I’m subscribed to getting my daily horoscope, i can cos it’s cool) and i only can make the decisions to make my life better. For the first time, in a very very long time, I feel more confident in all my abilities than I have for a long time.

And what does lisa do when she’s down?

She goes out and buys new shoes of course!

And can someone PLEASE explain to me why the fuck I can’t find bra’s in size 36Ds? It’s not like I’m that big — jesus. I found bras in 36DDs but not single Ds. Sunofabitch.

I’m tired now. Carolyn (Cathleen’s sister who is staying with us temporarily) and I wear the same shoe size. We are going out this weekend
looking for bitchboots (imagine — 5-6 inch platform, knee high leather boots). Woo doggie. I can’t wait.

BRING IT!

I tired and I go nini.

happy thoughts
Today I actually left the office and sat in SouthPark and ate a burrito from Pepitos as I enjoyed the beautiful summer weather and read Henry Miller. Regardless of the crap that has been occurring — doing the little things really makes me glad to be fucking alive.

x0x0x0x
LishaIsGod

i’m da man

the head honcho for our company asked me to fix his PDA. Seems that it has an infrared device that allows him to export files from the PDA to a desktop computer, so that he can interchange the information when he needs to. I had attempted to, and got as far as, getting the software functioning properly for back-ups on non-used machine (he said it was crashing on him all the time when he attempted to do it on three different machines).

I spent the better part of my day yesterday researching the stupid thing: downloading the pdf manual of the PDA, reading the instructions for the infrared device and attempting to track down a human at sharp. majority of it ended in vain as i wasn’t able to get very far in my research. the phone numbers by sharp for an ‘authorized’ dealer were actually to: a home and a cell phone. the phone numbers given to me via their voice prompt to a place in Texas, was no longer existing. so i packed it up and went home.

this morning, i got the bright idea of installing the damn thing on my machine at work (running windows 98). amazingly, the software installed with no issues, and with some jiggling and muttering “work you piece of shit,” i got the zaurus to communicate to the infrared device. i was able to export the files to a .csv files, and finished within 30 minutes (more time spent getting the two infrared devices to see each other and communicate).

I walked in and told don that i had it working and backed up the files. he said ‘your da man!’. I grabbed my crotch and went out for a smoke.

i love you. i love you not.
last night, as justin and i were lying in bed, i started speaking in this monotone voice about how it all was -before-. it encountered my walks through life, and with how my previous relationships were corresponding to my depression. i talked about danny a lot, because that is all i kept remembering. i thought about what it was like when he and i were living together, and how trapped i felt. how i felt that i could not possibly feel for him as much as he felt for me.

sometimes, when i see justin, i still see danny. it hurts you know, to look at one person, think of someone else for all the wrong reasons. both danny and justin have the same gentle manner, both just want to be happy, and both loved me beyond reason. but, i feel like it’s hopeless. that i will never ever allow myself to be content enough to settle for one person. i’ve often thought of polyamory as being my main choice of how i will handle relationships, but even then it feels tainted. i don’t know what it is about me. i know a lot of how i feel is correlated to my depression, but how much and why? i said to justin last night: i wish things were much easier for me. i wish i could be the kind of person that could find the one person that i could say was the ‘one’, like everyone else does, but, i can’t. i have so many ‘ones’ that it’s just a joke now. i smiled sarcastically when i said this, but justin understood.

i spend a lot of my time thinking about how justin feels as he watches me go through this. i know things that i say or might say will be painful to hear (they are painful to feel), but if i don’t tell him, our relationship (which is hanging by threads in some areas) could fall apart. he’s given more to me than anyone else in my past and i do not want to not lie to him.

so it’s a tough decision.

i feel so detached from him and from anything else. i want nothing more to have the same problems that everyone else does, but i can’t see my life living in that way.
right now, as i wait for my ramen to cook, i’m typing this up. i’m looking at a black/white picture of justin & i together, that was taken at one of those cheesy photo-booths and I can’t even recall what I was feeling on that day. And that only happened less than a month ago.

oops!
yesterday, when i was updating the lisa chronicles, i had inadvertently dumped the main index file for my personal site. i was going to upload it again last night when i got home, but winders 98 and photoshop 4 seemingly are arguing, and just gave up. i’m redoing the index page anyway, so it would have changed 🙂

something neat
every now and then i go looking for myself on the internet and see where i’m linked from. chances are, more often than not, i find myself linked from the same people’s page (of people that i know). But here is some cool stuff i’ve found about me or my namesake, simunye:
– my friend dan named his car after me, and it won a race.
– from my days of hanging out with the hax0rs
– someone had one of my old ass pages in their bookmarks. i did email them to let them know i was no longer at that address.
-University of Georgia Augusta has access logs for April 21, 1997. My reverse dns shows up as i had been to the site.
– A quote that I had in my sig file that actually made it to someone’s page. I’m so pleased 🙂

a poem
one thing i found on the net was a poem that i had written on the day i went to a beat-l party, and found out wm. s. burroughs had died. the poem sucks, but heck. works for me.

a generation gap
a sparking of times, events, and people
i scarcely recognize
grabbing together all pieces in my memory
of who these people are
and almost succeeding
talking of times, events and memories that
occurred before i was born
of sex, drugs, events, places that no longer exist
a matter of bridging together those who knew
and those who are just beginning to know
of sparking interest in new blood to
rejuvenate the passion and the rawness of the
beat generation
of drinking wine,
of laughing,
of smoking dope
and feeling like a child sitting at the adults party
just listening and absorbing everything in
and learning along the way
-a ‘poem’ i did for the death of wm. s. burroughs, 8-2-97. it’s crappy, i know but i found it on the net 🙂