sWEeT dreams

Today and tonight ended up being pretty darn internesting.

I stayed up till 7am working on my portfolio and ended up blowing off my Astronomy quiz (which I’ve been calling my midterm, but isn’t) and I emailed the prof and rescheduled it for when we are back in school next week after fall break. Woke up late as shit and drove like a bat out of hell to AQ to drop off said portfolio. Also sent the letter I wrote to Miguel. Picked up my Modern Cinema final, and aced it. I’m not quite sure how one would get a B or lower in that class.

Forgot my cell at home and didn’t get a chance to call darkdepths until much later when I got home. Due to time constraints, we met up for Qdoba and went to Best Buy to return one of my digital cameras because a toggle fell off and got it totally replaced. Also picked up a 64Mb memory card for it and we headed off to the tattoo shop so that I could get the other Buttercup finished.

I told darkdepths I was glad she was coming with me because I was feeling really trepidatious about going especially after what happened last week and the previous week. Well, color me shocked as when I got there, A. treated it like it never happened. In fact she told me that R. busted his ankle and leg while in the mosh pit last night and was at the hospital. I felt terrible, but yet in a way I didn’t. From what was being said to me via A, it was like things were going to go back to the way they were — with no thought about the business OR the fact he smacked her up.

I wandered over to Pip’s studio and apologized for being late. He was tattooing a girl and wasn’t done with her yet and it was her first tattoo (poor girl she was frightened). I said quite loudly “Hey pip! Did you hear I was a lesbian and was trying to steal A. away?” He said “You know, I was going to ask you about that. R. was telling people that all over the shop and I thought he was nuts considering you’ve had boyfriends etc” We started laughing. Pip hates R. and vice versa. I made the decision I’m going to stay away from the shop unless I really need to go. I’ll keep throwing my business there but R. gives bad juju and I doubt anything will change.

Since Pip couldn’t fit me in that night, I rescheduled for Saturday night, with darkdepths in tow. We decided to go back my house and chill for awhile and see what was going on, watch movies and the like. Came home and Ben had been messaging me and he was drunk. We said “WOOHOO!” and after walking the dogs, convinced him to get on VoIP with us. WELL! I’m not quite sure how it started but we started taking pictures and trading (we went and then he went). What ended up was staged shots and naked photos on both sides! WOOHOO!

The public post was one of them, the icon in this journal is another. The rest are online but not in the gallery nor are they in my usual directory either. 😉 The irony to this was that she and I were almost totally sober while he, was not. It’s amusing and yet secure in a way she and I just stripped naked and posed all over my apartment. But it was fun. Ben asked if we could do this every friday night and we laughed. I kept asking him if he was going to regret doing this later when he wakes up and realises what he’s done. LOL. He said no — but we have got him almost convinced to come to the States, which ruled in my book. 🙂

A very good time was had by all.

socks break: Miguel Part I

I’ve been fascinated with what people put on their feet lately. I was noticing in one of my classes today that damn near anyone who was wearing closed toe shoes/boots (while this is michigan and it’s 30 degrees out, people will still wear sandals: barefoot), I saw dozes of fun socks peeking out from under pants. It’s like some sort of unknown phenomenon where you must wear kooky socks regardless if they match your outfit or not. I’ve gotten quite a collection myself, partly in thanks to pikajew who hooked me up a few years ago for a birthday or a christmas thingy. So I’m sitting here in sweatshorts and a mr bubbles tshirt with these really fun dark blue socks on with the words ‘kinky’ on them along with some kooky cartoon. Don’t ask me, I just report the news.

One essay down, the ‘hard’ one and one more to go. I keep thinking I have early morning class tomorrow and I don’t — my astronomy midterm is not until 1:30pm. As long as I’m in bed, er, in a few hours, I should be good (I hope).

I’m curious about my study habits. I have a pretty good sized L-shaped desk that holds my 19″ monitor, fax machine, copier/printer, and assorted junk. It’s nice and spacey. My desktop is bitchin’ at 2.6ghz and broadband — yet I choose to hang out at my dining room table where my books are sprawled everywhere working on my old ass laptop with the 12″ screen. I love space. Right now all my books, notes and assorted gadgets are sprawled all around me (with one leg propped up on the table and the other one I am sitting on in the chair). Hell, I have a big comfy leather chair in which I can sit in at my desk and yet i choose the hardback dining room chairs. I think I feel that the desktop will just suck me into not doing work — it’s been known to happen. Sit down to check email and it’s nine hours later. Things take forever to load on my laptop and essentially it’s just good for basic internet stuff and writing papers (however, it is difficult to gauge space in papers when your resolution is 800×600).

darkdepths and I are hanging out tomorrow after class and tomorrow night I’m getting the other buttercup finished — finally (if there is no fucking drama associated with it). Possibly getting together on saturday for fondue! Unfortunately, there is not a Melting Pot here but I do have my fondue pot and I just need to get a bunsen burner for the underneath and food stuff and it should be fun. Megan is going back to the Twin Cities for the week, my brother will be working and darkdepths is heading back to A2 as well. Most of the people I know are taking off so I’ll be heading to my mom’s on Tuesday or so and hanging out there next week. November is looking to be shaping up as a busy month. My friend Karen and I are heading to the Magic Stick in Detroit to see Twilight Singers (and I haven’t even fucking bought their new album yet — this must be remedied!). ach is coming to Chicago to see family and I’ll be heading down there to hook up with him. Patrick, a very old friend of mine called me tonight to tell me he is coming from Colorado to MI in a few weeks to see family and wants to hook up — which I can’t wait to see him. I haven’t seen him since… 1997 at Def Con — damn it’s been a long time. He’s also thinking about moving back to the Detroit area, which will be fun. He and I did some crazy ass road trips together back in 1996 that took us all around SE Michigan and Canada. Good times man, good times.

I was thinking the other day when I was driving that it was a shame that things didn’t work out with tiglore and myself — but you can’t force chemistry. I’m in the mood to date, I’m realising that more. On the other hand, I’m pretty content with being solo. I keep seeing all this bad juju with some couples and I think “Yech, not me man!” and then I see happy couples and I go ‘awww — fuckers’. While I play at being the whole bitter old hag bit, it is just a schtick. You DO realise that right?

After French midterm, I met Megan outside where she was hanging out with some other people in our class. I had the brochure in my hand for the class trip to Paris in the spring in which I want to go to (Megan and I have ‘other’ ideas on what to do in Paris *ahem*), and I noticed that the prices were for students “under 25” — and I was bitching about the “adult” price which was jacked up 300 bucks more. Roland, the other student, asked why I was bitching, and I said “because I’m over 25” and his mouth dropped open to the point I could see his tonsils. “No way!” — Megan and I laughed (she knows how old I am). “I thought you were 21!” — hahaha. “No, she’s over 25”, Megan responded. I never alluded to how old I really was. Rumour had it that Roland was hitting on a 32 year old woman simply so he could brag he bagged a 32 year old — he’s all of 18.

——————

He’s in the fucking phone book.
When I first moved back to GR, I called Josh, a guy I’ve known for about 15 years. Josh had told me the summer of 2001 when I had come back home to take care of my mom that a guy I had dated from when I was 17-22, Miguel, had been looking for me. To make sure I was okay, how I was doing etc. Josh hadn’t spoken to me in a few years and didn’t have my whereabouts and had nothing to report. Josh had told me in 2001 that Miguel had opened up his own restaurant south/north of town (I forget which), and when I got back to VA I had dropped him a letter to the restaurant — and never heard anything. In the interim years, I had casually searched for him only to find nothing on the fucking Internet under the variations of his first name and the two last names he uses. Earlier this year, I was browsing through classmates.com and found Miguel listed. Excited, I dropped him a note lettting him know I was in town, how were things going etc. Never heard a word and classmates.com deletes all mail after 60 days. I never bothered to follow up because at this point I thought it was a dead trail. No end.
Lately I’ve been having dreams about him, and I don’t know why. it’s been a good decade since I’ve seen him and things ended fairly — dramatically. Why, out of all the people in my life, does he continue to haunt me? I had a dream about him recently and I was thinking about looking for him again. I log into classmates.com and find that he is no longer listed. Search the internet again and nothing. This bright idea hits me to look in the phone book.

There he is, listed in black and white. Down the corner from AQ.
he. has. been. in. the. phone. book. all. this. time.
Now what?

 

It’s all for you baby.

I’m done killing kethryvis I think, I’ve been serenading her with Tommy Page lyrics for a while now and she says she has to go brush her teeth from the sweetness. hah.

So, before I go to bed, I just wanted to jot this down.

I mentioned about finding someone recently and getting in touch with them. I’m good at that, you know, finding people. His name was Mike. (hence he started the trend where I state all men named michael have broken my heart — except dear humandays, cos I lurve him).

I’m very punch drunk.

As I was saying, I met Mike when I was 17. He’s like in the top three guys that have been hugely influenced on me. First off, he pursued me. LIke relentlessly. Like intensely. Our relationship spanned on and off for five years, I don’t think anyone has pursued me as much as he did, almost frighteningly and I was ms “Oh, no, I’m not getting involved” with him kind of thing. Which of course caused him to pursue me even harder. But he stuck by me for a lot of things and well, there were some times I treated him pretty badly. It was fucked all around.

Things were heavily complicated. Especially when you are 17, 18 and 19, ane especially 20, 21.

So the crux is:
Mike’s family was/is pretty influential in the area and he ended up leaving and going to Guam, and shit changed drastically between us. He wanted me to come out and we were going to get married and all these big huge dreams when you are 18, 19, 20 years old. Then one night he calls me and he tells me he had been with someone. An older woman. And he was drunk. I was floored. You know how it is when you finally work your trust down and you finally say “Okay, yah, I want to trust this person” and they hurt you and you kick yourself in the ass about it. Well it was like that. and he had the gall to say “I did it all for you baby.” Jesus, I can still see the image of the scene when he told me on the phone and my facial expression in the window pane.

Shortly after that, I ended up dating Alan, which lead to another interesting period in my life. which is neither here nor there. And Mike flew back from Guam and he walked into the store I was working at out of the blue, with two plane tickets to go back to Guam, and one of them was for me. And here I am 20 years old and what the fuck am I supposed to say that ? I said no. I was with Alan, he was THE ONE. hah. Boy was I wrong. But I was young and god, things were just intense. And the look in those big green eyes of his when I said no and when he left. I cried, convinced i had made the right decision.

My relationship with him was like that, on/off, for a long time. I guess in a way I’ve been disappointed that he’s never come looking for me? Maybe I fancied myself as being HIS ONE and therefore thought he would try to save me (from whatever — probably myself) Mike did a lot of actions that I always based future boyfriends on. You know, if XXX loved me he would pursue me the way Mike did. Whatever, the point being that there is a lot of unfinished business between us.

So I’m browsing around on classmates.com and I’m thinking “oh i wonder if xxx” is on there and I narrow the search to all students who are there from 1987-1992 or something silly and his name shows up on second or third page. I just kind of sat there and looked at it and looked at it again. I sorta half laughed, half cried. A few years ago when I was home when my mom was sick, Josh said he stopped by and asked about me. Wanted to get in touch with me. Josh hadn’t spoken to me since I had left for SF and no one knew how to get in touch with me.

So sent him, Mike, and email message, no word back.
I have not spoken to him since 1994? 1995? I still remember his smell, Joop! cologne for men. heh. He had the biggest green eyes. Great voice. Chubby in all the right places.

We were so fucking innocent, it’s almost painful to think about.
I do not romantically hold ideals he’ll come and rescue me, because i know that won’t happen, But I do know I’ll see him again and then we can finally get closure to this whole mess. I just hope he’s happy. I also know I’ll see him when I least expect it.

our song is below: shut up.

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