d-day

i had completely forgotten today was d-day at work.
you see, for quite some time, there has been numerous rumours running rampert all over the company as well as [Not sure where the rest of this entry went to…]

bow down, for i am enabled

note: this is going to get rather technical, so i’m going to use an analogy that i’ve used in teaching in the past about how the internet basically works. To explain how traffic (ie: internet traffic) flows from your computer to the internet, it works like this: You live in San Francisco. You know there is are many routes to get to San Jose. Do you Take 101? Do you take 80? Do you drive the backroads? The point is you have many choices, but which one do you take? Do you take the shortest path? The fastest path? Each packet on the internet makes these kind of decisions based on routing protocols (what they can and cannot do).
Now, lets throw up another scenario. You are looking at renting/purchasing a home. You want to make sure your path to work is less stressful and trouble free. You consult the home owners association, the builders and find out that taking a path down main st is guaranteed to be yours exclusively alone to use. Your family and yourself can drive virtually undisturbed to work without having to deal with overzealous commuters.
But wait!
one day you wake up, drive to work and realize that your comfortable drive has turned to hell. You contact the builders and the HOA and find out that the selling agreement in your property was “limited” due to “increase” in others wanting to experience their own comfort drive. Since the guarantee was verbal and not in the contract, you are basically screwed.
This is, in a nutshell, what paul and i found out about remington apartments this morning.
You see, we are bandwidth whores. After working at UUnet for nearly 2 years and having broadband at home, going back to anything less than cable internet is purely bullshit. Thankfully RoadRunner has upgraded their systems and I can experience damn near t1 speeds at home with fairly little congestion on the network. Now that it is time for paul and i to move, we started looking at apartments and fell in love with remington. Not only were they close to work (five minutes!), they had amenities up the wazoo and kept telling us that they had “t1 speeds wired into every apartment”.
We should have known it was too good to be true.
What tipped us off this was a ruse was when none of us (paul, myself, scott who now lives there, greg and nadia) could get a set date on the install of the circuits to provide said bandwidth. We had started stalking the apartments since last august. By October we were convinced we were going to be living in one of their “luxury” apartments. When Scott moved in, we started pestering him about the t1 speeds. “in a few weeks” he said (as he was told via bbrez, the firm handling the dss and internet connectivity), by january 19th we were told. By February 1st was another verdict. DEFINITELY by the time you move in (march 1st) we were told yet again when we went to go look at the apartments. “If not by the time you move in, they will be in big trouble!” we were told by the apartment manager. So paul and I felt confident that we would have the requisite speeds. So we dropped our deposit off on this past saturday and were excited about the prospect of our new home.
But something wasn’t right within me personally about the whole bandwidth issue. We were not getting a straight answer from anyone in the company (techs, sales, marketing, etc) about what is exactly going on, so i took matters into my own hands.
The latest we had heard from Greg was that there was a t1 being dropped into each apartment building. Each building houses 32 apartments. Lets say 2 people per apartment (since most are 2+ bedrooms) and you are looking at 64 people on that connection. You say that half those apartments have internet-ready computers. And half of those are users. You are looking at 16 people who will be sharing that t1 (being conservative here).
[side bar: a t1 has 24 dso channels. Each dso is capable of 64K (56K + 8bit overhead). You can theoretically get 24 people on a single t1 at 56K modem speeds — which is what ISPs use. Now to make money, ISP’s oversell their connectivity, with the ratio being 5 to 1, which means that for every t1 there is up to 120 people trying to get on it to get the interweb from that t1 ALONE. 5 to 1 is a conservative standard, i’ve seen it as high as 10 to 1 (with the rule that not everyone will be using the interweb at the same time, therefore they are reselling that bandwidth) with the average being 7 to 1.]
So, if bbrez was dropping a single t1 into each building, 16 people would be (conservatively) attempting to use that. Using the above the sidebar as a rule of thumb, we would not be getting split between us nothing more than dialup speed!
So I called and got the number for the VP of marketing. He gave me the song and dance and I told him “Look, I work for UUNet, do you now who we are? We are the largest tier 1 provider in the world. I do my living turning up t1s, t3s, and OCs. What you are telling me is not computing here as “high speed bandwidth”, it’s a little more than dialup according to your own conversions!” Then he started on the marketing and sales bs. I told him to shove it (i literally did). I was not a fluff head without any technological background, I did this for a *living*. He referred me to the VP of Technical Operations, with whom they called me back and did a conference call on this subject. They kept telling me my idea of “high speed internet” was unrealistic (um, okay) and I kept asking them “Can you guarantee me 384 up/down connection all the time”. No response. This went on for nearly 30 minutes, when they said they would “get back to me” and we hung up.
I got a standing ovation in the cube farm when I stood up to stretch from my co-workers and people asking me to dispute their bills.
And the kicker?
They are not dropping a t1 into each building, they are dropping the t1 into the WHOLE COMPLEX! 13 buildings x 32 apartments =384 units. On a single t1. FUCK THAT! “Well upgrade as needed” i was told. And when are they planning on dropping the local loop? They just got the order into verizon and they have a 45 day FOC date. Oh fucking please. Which means the service won’t even be available on our move on date!
To be a bitch, I called the vp of marketing and said “Can you please let me know whom your peering with and what your plans for aggregate bandwidth is and why you did not plan on dropping a tiered t3 at 3 or 6mbs and therefore could increase bandwidth when demanded instead of installing additional t’s. Call me at work tomorrow at 703.xxx.xxxx. Thanks!”
Doesn’t matter. I compiled a list of seven possible replacements that paul and i did a star system and i will be calling those places tomorrow. I already know that one place has available rentals for our time frame. as a preclude to this all, this wouldn’t be an issue if there were other options in that area, but there isn’t! RoadRunner (our current interweb cable provider) only covers fairfax county, and the new complex is in loudon county. There is aldelphia cable, but that is uni-directional (t1 downloads/modem uploads) which would be okay, but pauls work requires something a tad bit faster than dialup! The area we live in is so convoluted because we have three cable providers (cox (roadrunner), aldelphia and comcast(@home)) and in some areas whom you get is dependent on where you live. you could live five blocks from john doe and have a different cable provider. DSL is not an option since most of the newer apartments are having fibre dropped to the curbs, which rules out true dsl unless someone got off their duff and did PPPoE, like bellsouth.
I’ve already told bbrez and remington that I will be filing with the BBB for false advertising. But my bitching gave me a sense of betterness because this chickie does not take bullshit from anyone, especially when it comes to bandwidth.
x0x0x0x
lisa lisa
 

this is my story and i’m sticking to it

paul got fired.
from his job.
apparently what had happened, was that VA Linux (after the merger with Andover) went through and fired 30 of the 100 employees — who were all top management/CXX something or another. While paul was technically a senior programmer, he was listed as director of e- commerce (at 20! go beat that!).
Pauls in better spirits than I am. i hate rejection. I hate not knowing what’s going to happen (on the flip side, every time I’ve gotten fired, I’ve always known I’d get another job).
Paul is the exact same way. Since he found out yesterday afternoon, he has been on the phone scheduling interviews and sending out his resume. He’s fast asleep snoring right now from doing more work in the last two days looking for a damn job than he has in a long time (so I feel). 😉
I’m teasing, of course.
Vandover was gracious enough to give him a months severance plus his two week vacation time PLUS he still has one month on his health insurance (unlike me when I was frog marched out of Slip.Net).
The silver lining is that I got a bonus and a raise and can call myself a “Senior” systems engineer at UUnet. whoopee.
Or something.
Plus I got a new boss — so I’m mucho happy. I like my new boss. She’s nifty.
I’m not handling pauls firing as well as he is. I’ve gone through more chocolate and eating binges than you can shake a stick at. Paul’s happy because basically with his mad skillz he knows that he can find another job fairly quickly and the extra money is just that — extra money. But technically, I’m the breadwinner in the household, and I’m scared. because what if he DOESN’T find another job (unlikely) and then the obsession starts again.
I’ve repeated myself here haven’t i?
blame ciannait for starting on the obsession.
no really.
Another obsession I’ve found is the tv show “angel”. okay you can stop laughing now. I’m being serious.
I was BORED BORED BORED tonight (paul was redoing his resume –again to make it perfect) and i was tired from having gone to the chiropractor earlier in the morning to be aligned. all i wanted to do was rest and watch teevee.
we have 145 channels and NOTHING IS EVER ON. finally i realize the only thing that is on worth watching is “Buffy” and “Angel” afterwards. Buffy, was at best, okay. Angel was much better and I enjoyed wasting 60 minutes on fluff. Plus Angel is a damn hottie. So now that I’ve gotten this new obsession, I’ve been combing the web looking for information about the previous season. This whole fanfic thing scares me. People are damn crazy.

sometimes a cigar is just a cigar

it’s going on 11pm and I’m already thumbing my nose at the shrink.
you see, in approximately 9.5 hours, I’ll be sitting down with one Dr. Buyse to discuss my issues.
At 250 bucks an hour, she better be good.
But i have issues with going to the shrink.
It’s long been suggested to me that I see a shrink. in fact I’ve been in and out of therapy since i was NINE. but no, I’m too strong to see someone. why do i need a shrink? i mean, most of them are full of crock pot theories and BS anyway. I’ve been to so many doctors, *I* should have the Phd, not the other way around. according to them, i have seasonal depression, manic depression, obsessive/compulsive disorder, anxiety issues, separation issues, first child issues. need i go on? I’m not making this up, if in all honesty i were really that sick, i would be locked up somewhere banging my head against the wall.
but i digress.
so I’m sitting here wasting time instead of writing this new journal because I’m trying not to think about why I’m having issues about some woman whose as expensive as a Vegas hooker (i have “woman” issues as well it seems).
see, it’s really really simple:
a couple of months ago, when it all came down to the wire with my health and i was having panic attacks on an HOURLY basis, my doc suggested i see someone. so i said fine and i made an appointment. I make the appointment through Kaiser’s “behavioral health” clinic, where i pay my cheap ass co-pay to some person who is not a specialist but an overall therapist and that freaked me out. Because it freaked me out so much, I started doing some research on social and general anxiety disorders and came across some website for the such and such anxiety disorder group of America. i checked out Virginia and got a list of some shrinks in my area and call them to get more information.
Dr Buyse was the ONLY one who called me back.
which stands to reason, if you are serious shrink, why would you not call someone back — even to tell them you caseload was full? what if you had obsessive/compulsive disorder — you’d be sitting there having issues about it left and right.
right?
right.
so for the last month we’ve been playing phone tag. i call her, she calls me back. i call her back.
you get the drift.
A few weeks back, i go into work on a monday morning and get a message she had left me the night before. she called me at work. on. a. Sunday. Her voicemail explains she has an opening coming up and wants me to give her a call back. Since monday’s are ultra busy, I didn’t call her back that day. Tuesday I was out and Wednesday I was in back to back meetings. I call her early Thursday and leave her a voicemail. again.
she calls me back *at home* that night and attempts to chastise me. she proceeds to tell me her time is valuable and she gets TEN new referrals a WEEK. that the cost and time of such anxiety behavior is not beneficial to anyone if one is not making responsible decisions and especially when one is wasting her time (ie not calling her back on HER schedule).
I wanted to tell her “then why do you leave me voicemails on Sunday at my WORK number if it is so freaking important. Why didn’t you call me at home?”
but i didn’t. so I’ve been obsessing about not telling her that. I’ve been replying my conversations with her over and over in my head for the last week, because i was pissed off that here was a potential patient she was speaking with (me) and she’s basically putting the smack down on me for not calling her back on her schedule, which I was not aware of to begin with! When the conversation ended I asked her coldly what was the appropriate call back period when she left a message. She said “end of business day”.
I had been mulling this all over all week when she calls and leaves me a voicemail on my home machine the past Sunday that she had a monday appointment available at 8:30am. I call her back and leave her another voicemail telling her that I cannot make it, thank you for the offer and please call me back.
So her brusque receptionist calls me back a few days later and tells me that she does have an appointment on Friday at 8:30 am and that would i like it?
Which fucking ate into my chiropractor appointment at 10am.
So do I finally go see this woman or do I go get relief by having my back cracked. The chiropractor was getting irritated because I keep canceling and changing appointments around. I was getting irritated with the shrink.
Someone hates me up there.
I opted for the shrink appointment to finally get it over with. Telling this woman off, even at 250 dollars an hour, will make me feel better. Plus, I do have an appointment with the cheap (10 dollar) shrink later on next week.
How many people actually shop for shrinks?
In all honesty, I’m beginning not to care who i talk to as long as i talk to someone. i need to get some issues resolved and I’ve been putting it off for a long time. but there are a lot of things I’m sure she’ll tell me is not healthy (such as having a relationship with someone 8 years my junior) or what not. stuff i really do want to hear.
maybe I’m just projecting.
domainslut dot org
a funny thing happened on the way to the forum.
i got an email the other day from someone who wanted to congratulate me on writing such a strong first journal. i had to start laughing, because in all my efforts to shed certain personas i had finally gotten it right and someone who was unaware of nearly four years of archives from TLC was sitting mere hops away from where he is.
but it made me feel good in some sort of loved way as well.
but in case you haven’t figured it out, modgirl.net now points to the same ip as modgirl.net. I had moe just change the ips to point to modgirl’s so that there would be no more redirects. In essence, anyone who had bookmarked modgirl.net will not have to update them. However, this is not the lisa chronicles. but I still do suck the chrome off of a trailer hitch.
the archives and a new site design will be coming in the future. I’ve been concentrating on content and not visual beauty.
schwa.
i had something else important.
oh yah. i got a promotion.
woofuckingwoo.
or something.
Excuse me for being in a dry wit mood. lately it seems that’s the only mood I’ve been in.
i prefer for it to be called bitter and cynical, but I’m sure someone will point out I’m having issues again.
x0x0x0x
lisa

a new psychosis

riddle me this.
What is worse: being sick or THINKING you are sick?
Anyone who has been a long time reader of the chronicle knows about the anxiety attacks I had before I left California, on my way to Atlanta and now the current batch.
Let me start with the latest batch:
My dad died on april 25, 2000. I was a wreck. An emotional and physical wreck. I took two weeks off from work to deal with myself and with the funeral and everything else combined. I laid, literally, on the couch watching the golden girls and crying. After the funeral, we came back to VA where the very next day we left to go to Virginia Beach for my court case against shelly. After coming back from that trip on a Friday (May 5th), I started feeling congested in my chest. I went to the doctor who said i was had a tad bronchitis and gave me drugs for it. Within a few days i felt better. Then starting in late june, i started feeling “weird” again (my only word to describe it). I went to see three separate doctors who said it was stress (and while you are at it, drop a few pounds quit smoking — you’ll feel better). And while that is all well and good — when i’m laid up all weekend due to such a severe anxiety attack I NEED RELIEF NOW!
so we tried Paxil. didn’t work.
and now i’m on klonopin (for schizos actually -teehee) which, after the first dose i slept for 14 hours and felt WONDERFUL when i woke up. But then the paranoia kicks in:
each ache and pain in my body is instant “i’m having a heart attack, i’m feeling sick, i’ve got cancer, i’ve got —-” and so goes in my head EVERY FUCKING DAY!
And going to bed was worse — because i started obsessing with death. oh, this isn’t the old morbid gawf crap — this was the “if i fall asleep, i’m dying. i’m not waking up.” and each fucking nuance of my body made me feel WORSE. and then i couldn’t sleep. and my heart would pick up pace and that freaked me out even more and on and on it would go. and it has been going on for a good month now.
so the other day i wrote about taking charge of my life. and i want to say a BIG THANK you to everyone that wrote me and said that they have gone through similar things because it’s so fucking lonely feeling like i’m the only one whose life is falling apart.
when I first started working at UUNet, a person i shall say became a very good friend said he thought it was remarkable that i was handling a new job, new move new everything with such aplomb. my job is fucking stressful. (sidebar: some nitwit started emailing me a few weeks ago accusing me of being someone else. and claimed something along the lines that we were lovers 17 years ago. 17 years ago i was 11. I kept telling him it wasn’t who he thought it was — i mean any idiot could find out anything about me if they tried hard enough. i’ve never been ashamed in giving out information. then he counters back “i have a few friends at uunet. you don’t work there. my bosses thought that was funny.) my life with paul is stressful. my life in GENERAL is stressful. and my body was saying LISA! WOOHOO time to wake up. And i started and am still taking babysteps in making those changes. i’ve tried giving up smoking (again, tonight, i’m smoking my last cigarette. the coughing and nasty taste in my mouth is making me sick). but what sucks is the day to day crap. because i freak out if my heartbeat accelerates and THEN i start panicking more so.
My doctor told me that when you have social anxiety disorder (or you are just darn anxious about something) every nuance of your body is explamified. Every pull, strain, bruise, tingle suddenly causes me to worry. so i sit there with my stupid “instant stress relief” music cds doing deep breathing for 10 minutes to calm down. and when i don’t? I freak again!
My heartbeat at rest is between 70-80. American Heart Association says normal is between 50-100 (thought chances are more so if you have a heartbeat over 70 of having a heart attack). Sometimes I hit 100 and other times 120. When I hit 120 — i keep thinking like fred sanford “I’M COMING ESTER! THIS IS THE BIG ONE!” and then i sit and have to do the stupid stress relief music and deep breathing exercises to bring it back down. My cholesterol, blood pressure and everything else is PERFECT. (however i am a woman who smokes/smoked and takes birth control pills). i’m overweight. but i’m healthy. i’m too young to be freaking out.
As you can see, my life is full of stressful events. But i started noticing things. When i started writing (shock) even just bullshit in my paper journal — i felt better. when i work out, i feel better. when i stretch my body out just after sitting in a cramped movie theater i feel better. i have to keep telling myself it’s anxiety and stress and that taking care of the issue NOW without living in isolation for three years (which happened to another co-worker of mine at UU. she had anxiety/stress so bad, she didn’t drive for three years and barely left her house — now she’s so easy going it’s depressing). Me. Myself. And I.
I’d like to think there is a reason for all of this. Why me? Why at such a young age? Why am i popping drugs and not looking for healthy alternatives. which prompts the paranoia that i’m gonna STOP shaving my legs, drink herbal tea and chant about my ying and yang. I’m so afraid of becoming a freaking hippie to be well. It’s like the holistic path works — but i don’t want to get caught up in those stereotypes, yo.
i don’t have a reason or a point to this. it’s mindless ramblings. but there is something i wanted to point out — when I used to discuss my past with my friend Michael, i used to get anxious and headachy stressing “i don’t want to deal with this now” because I didn’t. but i never did deal with it. I just went on my normal little way. but see the headaches have grown worse until i write about it (even if it is stupid — which i think sometimes i am — because i can be much more wittier) — and it’s like a fight against me and the world. i know i’m a strong person (nurse at the help line: you don’t sound sick. you sound actually very strong. me: look lady, if a doctor doesn’t see me today, i’m gonna kill some muther fucking someone) and I CAN DEAL with this. but it’s hard.
no one ever told me how hard it was to be normal.
my shrink apt is on tuesday. that should be interesting.
x0x0x0x
lisa

the man who

i’m tired.
i can’t remember the last time i’ve felt so drained. i’m not sure when the last time i’ve felt this way before — i’m sure it’s probably been pretty recent, BUT, the thing is, i sat at work today, bored. BORED out of my mind.
I was thinking today on the way home how I’m liked at work, but i’m not popular. I’m not sure if this really makes a difference to anyone, but it makes a difference to me. Especially since I was coming from slip.net where respect was earned about who you fucked, not what you do. Anyways, I like where I work as there is no time clock to punch, i manage myself and my work can be somewhat exciting. But i’m not driven by it and i’m not passionate about it and i don’t think, no i’m sure that this is NOT what i want to do with the rest of my life. The problem is the following: It pays well, it’s impressive and it looks well when people ask me what i do for a living. The downside is: i’m bored, it’s stressful, and it can disrupt my life (ask Paul about the many days i’ve come home at 10-11pm at night). A lot of the people that i work with, really do love what they do. It is challenging and it can provide satisfaction and you do learn on the job. But, to me, I’m bored. I don’t care if someone wants a t1 or not. Seriously. It didn’t take long for me to become cynical about the job after speaking with consultants day after day who were not hip to what they had exactly ordered. and the times i have to explain over and over what dns is and bgp. i don’t give a fuck what my ex-boss Scott says, this is a tech support job — just way more high falutin.
when i first started working at UU, everyone told me how much they loved their job, how stable it is and how much the management (even with WorldCom’s interfering fingers) was incredible. And to be honest, none of that really has changed but there has been a rash of people leaving and we’ve gotten so many new “engineers” that now i’m a “senior engineer” which frightens me because i don’t feel like i know enough to be a “senior” engineer in anything.
one of the managers, lenny, whom i’m friend with; suggested that i come work with him in his department which is in the same region as i work in. there have been so many rumors and accusations with so many shifts of power, that i am not sure what to believe. but i do know that i don’t want to transfer to another department after the fiasco i had with working with scott.
i was thinking today that i have worked exactly half my life. i got my first job when i was 14 (working at sbarros pizzeria at woodland mall in grand rapids). i can’t remember why i had gotten the job, other than i wanted to demonstrate responsibility and make my own money. i made 3.15 an hour as i bussed tables and i fended off advances from the young Italian stud who worked in the kitchen. i don’t know why i quit. probably tired of being hit on, couldn’t get rides and i was not doing anything really worthwhile. the jobs lead on to working at footlocker, a few restaurants and etc and so on. now 14 years later, after holding down variety of jobs and such, i find that it’s 14 years later and while my life has changed significantly, i just find that this whole working thing is pointless. especially when i got the social security update of my earnings and i haven’t earned really jack. it was so depressing reading all those bright and shiny figures to realize that when i am 65, it will all mean nothing.
can you imagine working for another FORTY YEARS? I can’t.
pictures
here is a new pic of me and paul. new as of tonight.
i’m really really tired.
see you tomorrow.
x0x0x0x0x

i wanna be adored

Saturday afternoon, paul and i plunked down cash for our new pad that we will be sharing with his sister, Ivette.
Now, here is where it gets somewhat interesting. When we moved into our current pad, we had to plunk down 2 months worth of rent plus the deposit because at that time our credit was so shitty. In the 15 months since we have been living here (has it really been that long already??), I’ve been working my ass off on improving both my credit and helping paul establish his. The road has been rough and in that process I’ve learned a few things about myself. For instance my need for must have handbags and must have shoes. i also don’t need all the clothes I’m apt to buy (but whine it was on sale!) and the host of other things we have around our apartment.
i noticed this really prevalently when we were in Miami for Christmas. We brought back so much loot (including my lovely new visor that I adore the living hell out of), that I drug (is that even a word in this context?) Brian to the mall with me to go shopping for a new suitcase because the three we brought with us was simply not enough to ship our shit back home. What loot we got! Nearly new 20 dvds, books, clothes, candles, visor, a scooter (that paul promptly broke), toys, games, money; we made out like bandits on Christmas day. Not including all the shopping sprees I did when I was there because “everything was on sale” and had to have this red velvet skirt. I have enough clothes now to clothe a small nation. You know, like China.
when we came home and unpacked, i looked around our apartment and noticed all the “crap” we had. stuff that we bought on whims that wasn’t necessary at the time nor is it necessary now. I’ve been purchasing storage boxes just to toss all this crap in so that we can move everything to the new apartment in a much more smoother fashion than when i moved into the old pad.
all the stuff that can be used to decorate my cube, I’m taking with me to work tomorrow. All the papers I’m so found of keeping (you know, credit card bills, receipts, stuff like that); I’ve gone out and bought a shredder and have already shredded my way through five garbage bags of stuff. Next is the magazine collection (ugh, never again will I subscribe to any magazines!). Then it’s the books. I have no idea what I’m going to be doing with all the books that I’ve purchased over the years. I’ve been looking and eyeing our current bookcase (which literally takes up one whole wall of our apartment) and it’s already overstuffed with books and crap. I’m thinking we’ll end up throwing that bookcase into our new bedroom and buying something new for the living room.
it’s all about spending money isn’t it? I’ve been looking for design programs to help design our new living area so that i know what to keep and what to toss, and then it comes down to how much freaking money I’m willing to spend for this item or that item. it was like this apartment was our starter apartment and now that we are moving on up in the world, i can no longer allow myself to have pictures of darthmaul on the door.
go figure.
pauly is my co-pilot
you get the feel for someone after you’ve been living together for awhile. I’ve started getting such a good feel for the way that paul acts and behaves that I’ve started intoning before he ever does anything. “no paul, we are not spending 300 bucks on a tivo.” or “no paul, we are not going to eat Mickey d’s on our diet.” you know, shit like that. now I’ve started ribbing him about “pauly is my co-pilot” since doesn’t drive so he assumes that he is automatically in control of the car dashboard while he bitches about my one handed ability to drive a car and look for cigarettes. next up on the list, before we kill each other, is paul getting car driving lessons and his own car. he wants a durango. if anyone thinks that i will be co-signing my name to a loan for a 2001 durango while i drive a 1998 Saturn, must be smoking some serious crack.
already dead
on the topic of books, paul made me read “already dead”, the California gothic and I’m dying from all the “lush symmetry” and the “beautifully chosen way he has with words”. it’s like, when people write, why can’t they write for the sake of writing. it’s goddamn boring.
but it’s spring and I’ve got ants in my pants. nothing could satiate me now.
x0x0x0x
lisa