Infatuated with a lunatic and cornered by the muse

I’ll warn you, if cornered, I’ll scratch my way out of the pen
Wired, an animal
The claustrophobia begins
You think I’m scared of girls
Well maybe
But I’m not afraid of you
You want to scare me then you’ll cling to me no matter what I do
Tell you a secret
They shared a needle once or twice
I loved her, she loved me
We slept together a couple of times
You think I’m proud of this
Well maybe
But the shame you never lose
Infatuated with a lunatic and cornered by the muse
And it goes down every night
This must be what jail is really like
And I will scratch my way out of this pen, again

Or maybe not
It all depends
Your ideal, your image
Your definition of a friend
If what you’re shoveling is company
Then I’d rather be alone
Resentment always goes much further than it was supposed to go

what jail is like by afghan whigs

I don’t know what has been my deal lately with Afghan Whigs, especially Greg Dulli. This is the second night in a row that I’ve been sitting here listening to various mp3s that I have spanning nearly their whole career. I felt like, to be honest, my whole life of emotion listening to their music. I felt pain, sorrow, pity, fear, love.

What was worse (or cute if you are into that sort of thing) is that on the way into work today, I was bopping along to them in the car cranked up and car dancing. I’m a wonderful car dancer BY FAR. Which brings me to this past saturday night: so there is this live band playing at my party, which is total coincidence. I won’t mention the details but in short those in my party were COMPLAINING about the loud music. Hell even paul acts like an old man when it comes to listening to music. The car stereo can’t be above x or else he pitches a fit. Home stereo is the same thing. Right now I’ve got head phones on so I can enjoy the sultry tones of that which is Greg Dulli.

It’s not really a choice of music but when I listen to tunes I want to feel like I’m either at a show, being sung to, being fucked while at the show or feel like i’m being possessed. I want to feel ALIVE when i listen to music, not this pamby ass shit that they pass for music these days. pfft on that.

let me in, i’m cold. all dressed up and no where to go.

Today was the grandiose day that I had to go to Anger Management training, and to be truthful, i thought (and expected) it to be a joke. The joke it turns out, was on me.

I hate these interpersonal training classes they give at work. For the most part, they are always taught by undereducated fuckwits who keep it boring and snoozefest. So yes, I was pleasantly suprised when we actually had someone teach the class who held a doctrate and worked in the field of mental health and has been teaching this for years! Woah. Impressive. Makes me wonder what WCOM does sometimes with its few brain cells.

i care because?

Today I got called into the managers office at work, and I knew why I was being called and it was not really that big of surprise to me. I was called in because of my “attitude” and apparently to sum it up telling sales reps to go fuck themselves is a bad idea. Very bad apparently but you know I’m very well aware of what i said and when is said it.

Work-wise, I’m at the end of my rope. I’m angry to start with because I got bumped from being a team lead. Now this doesn’t sound so much like a big deal but, it was because it was important to me. I’ve got this sinking feeling that raises are going to be long in coming because of the new power structure. Off track, anyways, so that’s part of it. Secondly, I’m noticing some coworkers that I am in contact with who apparently feel it’s necessary to speak down and to dummy down everything. It’s not that I don’t like being told what to do, I just resent it, when it feels like i’m being talked down to.

It has also came very apparent that I do not speak english. Really. I speak Lisa- ease. Things that should be very clear because of specific circumstances I have were basically laid out in the open, it has been apparent that it is not. I also dislike being second guessed and knowing I’m right in the first place.

The problem is, literally, if I am having acute paranoia about these things or if they really are true. My thinking as of late has been not that everyone is out to get me, or that it was really negative but more so that x follows y follows z, even though majority of the time it’s all just me being nuts or complete coincidence. But i string the events together anyways to see what happens.

I’ve also been having weird little quirks that are kind of getting to me, like I have to hold the arm rail when I walk down the stairs or I will fall. It’s not because I’m a klutz, it is because I truly feel i’m going to fall and break my freaking neck. And when I was smoking, jesus was that a bitch since i had to walk down a few flights of stairs.

anger management

in case you haven’t been keeping track, the company i work for “WorldCom”, is going through some hard times. Namely, that we lost our CEO (yay!), got a new one (Generation Sidgemore) and our stock is now tanking at 1.48 down from 46 dollars when i started back in Novemeber of 1999. Many people have talked about the future of the company and about how where we are going. WCom nee UUNet owns over 60% of the internet backbone. We are one of the few tier one level providers still standing after the dotcom breakdown. But bad managment, bad morale in the company, bad planning finanncially lead to the drop in our stock, people not giving a shit about what is going on. The funny part, at leastto me is that they want me to take Anger Management class.

Apparently they feel that I’m too angry to work with and deal within our natural work enviroment. But fuck, can you blame me? No raise for nearly 2 years. No promotions, no merit raises. No chance of moving anywhere within the company. Can’t leave the company for fear of what doesn’t exist outside the system. Everything goes to fucking shit in a basket and it’s like they make you feel like that for every buck you earn for the company revenue wise, it’s fucking pointless because you’ll never see even a penny of that buck.

I know our managers do care and i know that second level managers care but once you start moving up farther the chain, it’s fucking hopeless. I mean if they cared, Bernie wouldn’t have gotten us into this mess and I wouldn’t be complaining right now.

The general consensus is that WCOM is goign to declare bankruptcy but (and this is a big but) concerning our current status in which we have gazillion percentage of the internet, the work census has been that the govn’t will bail us out (either them or Deutsch telecom).

And people wonder why i’m bitter? It’s pretty hard to have faith in something, even as stable as WCOM that falls fucking apart on you.