a cool, dry place

is a movie that i rented tonight and could relate to on a very serious level. it’s a story of a young father whose wife has left him and their son. in one instance, the wife comes back and while the father is trying to get on with his life, re-asserts herself into his life. well, attempts to. and he looks at her and realizes that he still loves her after all this time and as they lay there, she looks up and starts crying. he asks her what is going on. and she says “I don’t think I’ve ever loved you.”

talk about some fucked up shit.

———-

since I’ve been back from mayumphis, I’ve been sulking around the house like it was nobodies business. i couldn’t figure out what was really wrong because everything seemed to have fallen into place. but i knew what was wrong.

you see, i fell in love. and my affections weren’t returned. pride asserted (and damnable logic) told me it wouldn’t have worked anyway. too many problems and not enough of anything. i knew my affections weren’t going to be returned but as it was once said, i was going to wrap them around my little finger and i had to assert myself regardless. i had to know one way or another. but, it wasn’t to be so.

as i lamented to a few friends about this turn of events, many people reminded me that i still had a large group of people who loved me and cherished me. and even larger group of people who worshipped me on various levels. i know that my own “stupid” actions (as i still see and will forever see) causes me to act in strange ways, sometimes it takes liquid courage to get it out.

part of the problem and what was bothering me is that I’ve been watching people’s relationship fall apart around me. platonic and intimate it didn’t matter, nothing was working out. and the weird thing is that those whom i thought were more emotionally fucked up than me had found solace in doing other things within themselves. finding themselves. getting themselves back on track.

i wasn’t quite sure how i was going to deal with all these emotions — i could (and have) rationalized on many levels about my own emotional state and noticed a few patterns about myself that would have predicted the outcome of the events. i however choose to ignore them and went on my merry little way anyway because i thought “this time was different” and it was. i have made, i hoped, a wonderful new friend and while i maybe too spicy for their mild sauce, friendships are nothing to sneeze at either.

in the interim, i’ve been watching a lot of movies and resorting to my old tricks that i do when i’m down — which causes me to do a lot of introspection about myself. many of the same issues that had been developed before hand were never really resolved — and in a way i had used this person to alleviate those pressures. but a lot of the ground work i made onto myself was done alone — and while they had pushed me to do those things — it was obviously me that did all the work. they may have nudged me in the right directions but it was me who did it all myself.

many people have said that someone who doesn’t fall in love with me is a doo-doo head (to put it nicely) but i can’t fault someone for not liking me in that way. pride has dictated too long ago that i could never ever want someone who doesn’t want me back — and i won’t break that rule now. while too many films have depicted the story of people figuring out later on that the person they never thought they should be with, they SHOULD be with and it was too late — reality begs to say that only happens in the movies. and i can accept that. really. i haven’t come this far in my life not have.

i know, honestly, that many of what i wanted and much that i want is projected upon each successful suitor. i do not take the time to learn but instead foster my own ideas on what that person should be and am sorely disappointed when they are not whom i think they are. i have long have had a habit of falling for people who do not share my own affections, and finding out later on that they end up marrying some female they have just met within 6 months of the ending of any romantic interest between us. i can count at least five different examples of this happening. i met a guy a year ago and during casual conversation he told me his stats were much higher: the girls he has dated have ended up marrying after him — ‘cept it’s been ALL the girls he’s dated even remotely seriously. he had me beat by a long shot. i’m glad, on some fucked levels, to see that it’s not just me.

one of the main reasons i haven’t written since i was in mayumphis and since i’ve been back is partly because too much is going on in my head to really sit down and write about it all. i wanted to put together something that wasn’t so embarrassing and so personal yet i knew not how to do it.

this is my life.

and it’s all about being on the web. i will forever be known as “the on-line diarist known as lisa”. i cannot not be this person. of anything i’ve learned within my 2.5 years in SF was mainly about projection and patterns and other fun stuff. emotionally i think i’m much more stable now then when i got here (though the level of psychodrama has increased “bad boys bad boys” not decreased).

but i still refuse to be afraid to not talk about how i feel. and i refuse to not write about it either. if you are involved with me in anyway — this is something you have to realize and this is something you have to recognize. i will not change this aspect of my life.

but i had to say this. i had to get it out so that it wouldn’t be rattling in my head because then i start thinking about it more so and analyzing it when i need to chill and let it go.

so it’s out.

i’m really really tired. ultra-slacking does wear on you. tomorrow will be the hot topic of where lisa is going to move to. stay tuned.

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moi