beautiful dreamer

so you are all probably wondering if I died or not. Nope. However, the amusing thing is that I literally brought the new year in with a bang with leaving the anal sex story up on my site for nearly a month. 🙂 Well it was funny to an extent. It didn’t dawn on me (like it never does) that i would literally hang out with people after they have read my diaries. Meaning, when having dinner with Esther and friends over the past few days, didn’t dawn on me that her reading my entires would have her think of me any differently. truth is, i would be giggling up a storm if i sat with people that were having problems having anal sex. 🙂 But that is just me.

Hope that everyone had a kicking new years and Christmas. I made out like a bandit this year. Perfume and a sweater from Justin (along with a love note), new handbags from Cathleen. Flowers and money from Dad. Money from mom. Danny took the cake by getting me my belly button repierced, a gift certificate to Barnes and noble, a chocolate orange, and hot tubbing! We had the BEST time in GR. Gads, I want to move back so bad. But everyone thinks I’m on crack. My brother, mother, Sherry and Danny all said that I had to stop smoking the pipe. I would hate it, I was romanticizing it, glamorizing it. The whole nine yards.

Truth is, I probably was. But see, I feel loved in GR. I felt like things had taken a stance. The irony was, that i kept looking around for people I knew, except I didn’t see them anymore. And then I realized, I didn’t care. I had the important people in my life already, so finding some slobs wasn’t really worth it.

But I felt more “me” when i was in GR then when I’m in the bay area. Okay, true, the bay area ain’t got nothing (entertainment wise) on GR. nothing probably does, however, this area does suck unless you are making the fat cash.

plans plans plans.

gotta make the plans 🙂

olive juice
say it really slow.
trust me on this.

Lisa’s old skool sex shop
i’m bored.

today i sat down with danny on icq discussing things. nothing majorly earth shaking, but it was hard having a conversation with him, with Karen at his house and justin flopped on the couch. both were watching the same thing while danny and i talked about everything else. he said “maybe we should hook them up?” jokeningly. i laughed and agreed. justin has been trying to get rid of me for a couple of bucks and a pack of twizzlers, but, so far not even james could come up with the offer.

so we laid down on our bed (justin and i) and attempted to have a long talk. nothing came out of it. since i’ve been back, my sexual drive has dropped to a near zero. i don’t feel enlightened or excited by anything anymore. i’m haunted by the words that sherry said on her trip last year with her then bf bruce. they were having a great time in Florida when it seemed that all bruce wanted to do was have sex. sherry just wanted to go have fun.

but the thing that irked me, was the conversation that danny and i had on the way to the airport. he said something to the tune of “if you were even 1/10th responsive sexually like Karen is, you would NOT be a sexually frustrated woman.” I took that as a major insult and turned my head away. danny didn’t mean anything by it, i’m sure. justin echoed the same thing this evening during our talk. i asked him to spank me, to prove how responsive i am but that didn’t do anything. i felt flabbergasted. me? sexually cold? justin says i need to be more vulnerable around him. he also thinks that the belly button piercing was a bad idea because now i won’t let him touch my tummy. that’s fine. i’m paranoid as it is about having anyone touch my stomach. it’s not rock hard flat, so therefore in my eyes it’s disgusting. i want to be a supermodel. cept i’m too old now. sherry got miffed when i said she was a size 6. she’s actually a size 4.

so to add insult to injury, i now feel like this cold hearted being with no sex drive. lord knows i’ve probably had enough of the stuff to last anyone a lifetime, but i can’t stop thinking about passion or love and mainly with certain people in my life. so when to be told that i’m not sexually responsive or worse yet, that i’m cold and unfeeling, it throws things off the kilter and makes me feel even worse.

>maybe i should just become a lesbian or something.

or maybe just dump justin and live a sexual free life for awhile.

decisions decisions decisions.

basically i’m just mad.

here it is that two people who one hand rate me as being their top lover and then turn around and tell me i suck?

god, why is it always me? not them?

jeff would testify that i was most sexually responsive, but then he would also say i wasn’t vulnerable. so what the fuck?

ARE NOT I THIS PETITE LITTLE FLOWER?

I’m just angry at something. Maybe I should stop worrying and see a shrink and get my head straightened out. i will be the first to admit that i am having issues with sex right now, but i’m NOT COLD and UNRESPONSIVE.

fuck’em.

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