break and submit

I have decided to start dating these because that way you know when I have put them up.

Today has been a busy day to say the least.

Got -one- message from you telling me you’re in a bar, and that “you miss me.”
bastard.

I really hate you right now.

And you know perfectly well why!

Have been looking through all my email, finally getting caught up on it. A few hours later, and I am still no closer to getting through it all. People responding to my posts, to my questions, wanting to marry me (laugh), proposition me, you name it, they want it.

What is also funny is that other lists I have been vocal on in the past, email from those people. So totally unrelated to h/p/c stuff, literature greats who tell me that they are now my fans. I feel like I am on the cusp, and I am really frightened. I never wanted this, any of this. I have changed ‘handles’ so many times, keeping myself underground as much as possible. I want people to like me for me! Is this something that -you- can understand?

Or am I being unreasonably paranoid about the whole venture? Or no? I have no idea anymore.

Back in high school, friends called me a ‘chameleon’ because I could move through everything and leave no trace, I blended in with everything. Later on, when I started writing for the college paper, I even went so far as to change my name (or attempt to). They wouldn’t let me. They told me that it had to be my ‘real name’ because it was college after all, and some other such jazz. People have also claimed to have seen me in two places at once. Hmmmm…

Anyway, I have been thinking about you quite a bit lately. You know that. You can’t ship out nearly a meg of email in a space of a few days, and plus irc quit a bit, and -not- think about the person.

SOO! Here is what I have come up with..

1. This all means nothing.
2. It means something, but I am taking it far too serious. You are in relationship jeopardy with your gf and I happen to come along and help fill those lonely nights (email wise). Not uncommon, happens a lot. You meet someone and think they are sweet.
3. Fuck it. I just re-read the letter I sent you the other day, that you haven’t responded to (if you ever will).

I won’t break down.
I won’t submit.

Not until you are free and clear.
Of everything. And even then it won’t be what you think it will be, IF it ever does occur.