Daniel Cleaver

We all have a Daniel Cleaver in our life. The one person who we will fling ourselves at and we think that we are in love with, blinded by how they treat us because of how we feel for them and that we will save them no matter what, even when they treat us like shit. We refuse to see that till sometimes it’s almost too late. Then something amazing happens and the breakup is painful and you physically feel like you are dying.

Well, my DC has just dropped me an e-mail.

I’ve discussed the relationship I had with DC in the past, in very detailed length including letters between he and I, written many years ago. I don’t ever want to be in that position again, ever. I don’t want to think and trick myself into thinking he was so beautiful when he really wasn’t or making myself believe that he was in as deep like with me as I was with him. I painted this rosey picture in my head he was PERFCT and I can’t imagine wanting to be back there ever again.

Part of the problem is that I crave being back at that particular space, that intensity, the lust, the passion. Everything. It is still what I search for NOW but under different terms and under different conditions. But I still seek it out, looking for it and now instead of throwing my cards on the table, i hold them close to me to see if I can truly bluff my way through. Things aren’t so easy and free anymore like they used to be. That much has changed and that is most importantly the right thing to have changed.

An ex-coworker emailed me recently and basically laid down the bluntness that he thought he and I were or was going to ‘get it on’ or something when I was living in VA (i’m paraphrasing) and ben said something to me about in the realm about how the whole world has a crush on me. I laughed because arrogantly it’s never been the lack of someone wanting me fat or thin. Men are a dime a dozen but Mr. Darcy? He’s somewhere out there and I am not settling for Daniel Cleaver anymore, which I keep doing. But this guy, he’s the king of all Daniel Cleavers.

I don’t honestly know why he emailed me. I don’t know why my excoworker decided to tell me NOW that he had a crush on me (not that I would have acted on it). I don’t know why guys i like never like me back as much as I like them or the ones that broke my heart want to keep in touch with me. I don’t know why I can’t like the ones who like me and I don’t know why fifty million things.

The last few days have been weird and strange.

I will end this, with as always, Sarah Mclachlan!
(but of course)

Wait

Under a blackened sky
far beyond the glaring streetlights
sleeping on empty dreams
the vultures lie in wait.

You lay down beside me then
you were with me every waking hour
so close I could feel your breath.

When all we wanted was the dream
to have and to hold
that precious little thing
like every generation yields
the new born hope unjaded by the years.

Pressed up against the glass
I found myself wanting sympathy
but to be consumed again
oh I know would be the death of me

and there is a love that’s inherently given
a kind of blindness offered to deceive
and in that light of forbidden joy
oh I know I won’t receive it.

When all we wanted was the dream
to have and to hold
that precious little thing
like every generation yields
the newborn hope unjaded by their years.

You know if I leave you now
it doesn’t mean I love you any less
its just the state I’m in
I can’t be good to anyone else like this.

When all we wanted was the dream
to have and to hold
that precious little thing
like every generation yields
the newborn hope unjaded by their years…

Yes bro, he IS so beautiful 😮