my latest session with Dr. B. covered two main things — sex and food. Two of my obsessions, both of which currently have been pushed down into the void of my stomach. literally.
when i was younger (13/14/15), i was very very very insistent that i would not lose my virginity. my own curiosity about sex and the actual act lead me to believe that i would eventually become a nymphomaniac. I’m not kidding. as time went on, and i did eventually have sex, it was not under the best circumstances and it wasn’t until i was a tad bit older and had started dating Alan had i realized what making love was all about.
in the years that have followed, sex has become both the curse and the gift that i have carried [this is not meant to sound pompous — it just is]. i gave myself physically to everyone i slept with, thus making it seem like i was the best lay around, but on the other hand, i was emotionally absent and distant from my lovers and sometimes deriving no pleasure from the act or the foreplay or anything sexual that surrounded me.
there was a time when things such as mens magazines (hard and soft core porn magazines, etc), toys, “erotic” movies and what not would lead me unto temptation with my current lover. i was aggressive, i was demanding and i started getting to the point where sex with my boyfriend usually had to be rough and with me usually NOT facing him in any position. i preferred doggy style or some other ‘humiliating’ position in order to even feel remotely turned on.
as i started getting older and started becoming more aware of who i was, sex was the gift i gave and used to tantalize men while i withheld it on some levels from myself. in my whole entire life, i have only orgasmed less than 1/2 dozen times with a partner and there has only been one person whom i have been able to masturbate me and orgasming with them masturbating me.
exotic and erotic love making has always been my forte. i saw nothing (and still do not) with being a bit rough.
‘rough sex’ is one of the reasons why paul and i got along so well when we first started dating — and it remains one of things we giggle about into the night. but after the first six months of mad passionate monkey love — it came to an almost abrupt stop.
in a lot of ways, it coincided with the death of my father and as the summer of 2000 wore on and the anxiety became worse — the last thing i wanted to think or feel or do was have sex.
within my discussion with Dr B, we talked about how food and men and sex and everything else always wraps up to some of the same ideas — ie, about how i eat to be fat because i don’t want men to be with me, how i hate the way i look because I’m fat and how i don’t feel sexy enough because I’m fat and so on and so on, with the same circular argument happening … and it’s been going on for years.
Dr. B. suggested that paul and i read For Each Other, a book that helps explore sexual intimacy between couples. She also suggested that I read the companion book for females For Yourselfwhich explores sexual intimacy within yourself. I bought For Each Other and started reading it in the tub, skipping over all the main stuff thinking “hell, this doesn’t apply to me” — and paul came up to me and said “You do that all the time. You get something and you start in the middle thinking it doesn’t apply to you when it DOES apply to you” — which is true. It’s like anything I do, I start in the middle, thinking it doesn’t apply to me — when it does in fact apply to me and I don’t want to admit it.
Paul and I settled down that night and started reading and started practicing the exercises in the book.
I’ll let you know how it works out.