happiness

You’re such an ass Lisa. If you were
here right now, I’d just lean over and kiss ya.
Jonathan

Friday night, Justin and I had decided not to do anything more strenuous than watch TV. I however had been sucking down coffee all day and ended up staying till 3am on-line. I was bored. I couldn’t find anything (or anyone) worth talking to or doing. So I played around with my QuickCam for a bit and took some shots. I realized that many of my on-line buddies hadn’t seen me since I chopped my hair off and started sending them out.

“Lisa, are you mad?”
“What?”
“Are you mad or irritated about something.”
“Nope. I’ve been in a really good mood all day. Why do you ask?”
“I dunno — you just look really pissed off in those pictures.”
“Oh. Well I wasn’t.”

This is what it was like all weekend. I’d send pics to those who wanted them, only to be told I look like a pissed of bitch. And I wasn’t. I was positively goofy all Friday. Justin thought I had sniffed something because I seemed so out of “character” to him.
Ya know, I’m a petite little flower damnit. And I’m in a good mood for the most part all the time. So it bothers the hell out of me when I hear from friends that I always look pissed off.

Jonathan has made me promise to send him a picture of me smiling. I tried that. I took quite a few shots of myself with a cheesy grin — and it looked fake. not out of character — just fake. So last night, on ICQ jonathan started acting weirder than normal. i suddenly got really concerned and called him. he was laughing and we started sparing off one another.

I kept going “You’re such an ass Jonathan.” and he would laugh and say “Yeah, but you love it baby!” And I would sit there and giggle about something stupid.
It bothers me, really, that what people’s first perception of me. It’s confusing to me that quite a number of people talk about how great I am as a friend to them, and yet they turn around and talk to me about how pissed off or defensive I get.

hrm.
beats the fuck out of me.
sometimes I try, really hard, to be a good person. smile more. laugh more. and it still seems to me that you can’t win them all. if i try and be cheerful, people get all uptight about how “out of character” it is of me to be such a thing. and it doesn’t make damn sense to me.

maybe I’ve become too cynical and bitter in my old age.
From Danny:
“at the risk of getting bitchslapped by you (which may be a good thing) I’m gonna give you more than $.02 worth of my mind 🙂 (inflation adjusted)

“lisa, do you know when you’re the most attractive? when you’re gentle and quiet and relaxed and in a good mood. when you’re in a good mood, this little girl comes out that is so much a part of your unique personality. its the little girl that sleeps with a teddy bear, that talks about being truly and honestly in love, that stops and thinks long and hard about your future intellectually and emotionally.

“to be honest, i hate your rough/tough exterior. you’re not a bitchhoe, but when you are….i try to steer clear (not that we talk a lot anyhow) but when i do talk to you, i try to catch the happy gentle seductive lisa. i think its that line of age that everyone gets to where our lifeline stops being so jaggedly and starts to smooth out our personalities. it happens. i like the lisa that isn’t getting “fucked” either physically or emotionally because that makes you tough and hard. i don’t like the controlling lisa that can be so dominating at times. i believe that those are only phases. i believe that the rough/tough/bitchhoe exterior is all just a phase because the more i talk to you and hear from you, i see more of your lifeline smoothing out and hearing the gentle, calm, beautiful lisa coming out.

“i think this is what happened with Chad who is now honestly and truly in love. i think his lifeline is smoothing out, he sees things more clearly allowing him to be honestly in love. of course i don’t know Chad from Adam, but i think this is a part of everyone. Lord knows its a part of me as my life line is definitely smoothing out.

“this is the type of girl that will fall in love with someone and stay there because they will find that person who is also in the same stage in life. opposites only attract when they’re really young simply because they are ignorant to that other side of the world that the other person possesses. once they become educated and gain more wisdom about that other opposite life, it just becomes part of their knowledge bank and TRUE attraction comes from meeting someone more like them. at our stage in life, late 20s early 30s, opposites no longer attract. like attracts like. and you’ll be less likely to get your heart broken.”

1 Comment