hubris

Not sure where it’s coming from but lately I’ve been feeling this need to be totally anti-social. As in, no communication of any sort to anyone anywhere. Not sure where the ideas are coming from, but they are coming fast and they are coming furious.

I recently wrote a letter of a sort of apology to someone recently. It was spurned on by a series of events I had not known that happened until later and yet I was being used as the measuring stick against said events. The letter had been planned in my head for awhile now (prior to the events) — and while i DO understand that this person and I would most likely never be friends again (and I AM fine with that), I just wanted to get off my chest regardless of the outcome because i still don’t understand how the decline began in the first place.

I bcc’d the letter to three people who were close to that person (and myself) and followed THAT up with a letter of explanation of why I wrote it in the first place. Bottom line, I offered the olive branch and whether or not that person takes it is fine, but I did at least try and that should matter for something. But of course I never heard from the person I emailed it to and of course I did not hear back from any of the three. You’re probably wondering, what did you expect to hear? Well, encouragement? Congratulations? Pat on the head? A stick to fetch? Not. A. Thing.

This isn’t the first time it’s happened either and I suspect it won’t be the last either and I suppose it will be my decision for the future.

When Paul and I broke up, initially back in October, no one really believed me and to be honest, I didn’t really expect them too. It was like I said shortly after that in a missive I had written, that I had to be nearly beaten to a pulp (which he THREATENED but did not DO) before anyone would think about coming to my rescue. Now I’ve let him, and moved 700 miles away. In the last year I’ve made tremendous changes in my life from quitting smoking, to quitting a dead-end job, to leaving an abusive relationship to moving back home to starting back in school and in that time period, of all these changes, of which have been positive, I’d thought I’d get a pat on the back. A congratulations. A job well done for making positive choices. Save for a few stragglers and my brother, there really hasn’t been any. Of the over 100 people on the mailing list and 50 odd freaks on my friends list at LJ and who ever reads my website, I only got less than 1/2 dozen emails from random people saying “Congrats!” “Good luck!’ “Best Wishes!” “Bon Voyage!”