i’m a star baby

an idiot that i know (who, even though i have him banned on aol IM, icq and generally toss his emails — he’s *likes* the abuse) did email me about a clever site that ranks journals/blogs into proper order. so i put mine in and became a star! baby! yah!

it’s silly. i got the most hits and the lowest rating. hahaha.

that just cracks me the fuck up.

are you shrunk yet?
i actually got up on time.

this is a major shock to me, my dog and paul as i rolled out of bed at 7 to get ready to head to the shrinks office. i was nervous. i chain smoked and checked my bank account [ob: to prove how much of a procrastinator i am, i will get up at 8, sit in front of my computer till 8:30 checking email and my online bank account, jump in the shower at 8:30 and leave at 9. I have to be to work at 9. Apparently, my yo-yo of a bank balance is more important than work.], surfed for a few minutes. Left somewhat on time (i thought 7:45, i left at 8:05. Appointment was at 8:45].

I was scared.

I lied. I hate shrinks because I’m afraid I’m going to admit something i don’t want to admit. pauls the best thing that has happened to me in a long time and i don’t need some scholar to tear down this relationship because he is 8 years younger than me. i fidgeted in traffic. i called my mother and spoke to her for 20 minutes as i weaved my way around the beltway. i park and walk in the office and fill out paperwork and she brought me into her office at 9.

I broke down.

This was the consultation to determine if i needed counseling. I cried. I cried when talking about my mother, the passing of my father and my very fragmented life. I cried for the first time in a long time (okay, not that long time) but I cried because I finally felt the relief that I was going to be okay.

Dr. Buyse wasn’t that bad. In all honesty she was really nice and I could easily speak with her. My mouth did drop open when she asked me about Paul and I’s sex life (something I had not expected, though Paul and I had made light of it the night before). We spoke and touch on so many issues, it really was a wonder that I hadn’t pursued this before.

I didn’t feel like the big bad bitch anymore.

I felt so good after the session that I had immediately gone to starbucks and gotten my usual raspberry mocha frap and a few cookies since I had skipped breakfast. But I felt motivated for the first time in a long time. Motivated to get work done on issues and to finally start putting my life in place.

I knew though, from her comments, she regarded me as a pet project. Who wouldn’t with a cornucopia of crap bubbling inside of me (anxiety, depression, alcoholism, child abuse, suicide, divorced family, etc). I’m a freaking field day for any day doctor worth their salt. She calmed my fears about klonopin, the drug I’m on now. Turns out it’s the *least* addictive of the somethingoranothers family it’s part of. My taking .25mg a day (the period is not a typo) is like, for some people, having a cup of cawfee a day. it’s my crutch, and i know it, but it helps.

I’m frustrated by the utter lack of support and information about anxiety available on the web. I’m frustrated by how often it is misdiagnosed and how often (from reading) that anxiety brings out other problems. I’m frustrated by some of the doctors I’ve read about who have a carefree attitude about it.

it’s a disease. it makes my life hell and has been for the last 15 years (if you go back to when i had my first attack at 13). it’s misunderstood, misdiagnosed and mistreated. I do not have a heart problem, depression, thyroid problem or anything else. My name is lisa m. rabey and i have anxiety disorder.