I’m sick of spending these lonely nights training myself not to care

i feel like i should have the back of my hand stapled to my forehead.

i do not typically, at least in my opinion, talk frankly about sex in this journal because i’m tired of fending the “negative” connotations of being frank and upfront about it. There has not, in my opinion, been positive comments about it, at least to my face. I’m tired of people thinking every banal sex joke or website or something remotely fucking sexual somehow will interest me, simply because i’m more open than their wife/gf/fiance or whatever. I’m tired of being thought of as the whore of babylon. This is not, of course, new. this has always ‘been’ an issue since I was well, in puberty and a virgin, in which I remained for many years (a virgin, not in puberty). However, people seem to associate sexual awareness == whore and you know, i’m tired of the comments i get about it. Considering the number of people i’ve slept with in the last 7 years can be counted on one hand with room to spare, it’s always amusing that yet people persist in thinking i’m sleeping around town.

With that said, I continue with my story.

My houseguess-from-hell is back in town and this time she has gotten worse. She reprogrammed all my remotes to work on TIVO only (which, fucking pissed me off and yet i said nothing) and she’s made snide comments about things I told her in private in public and has been basically driving me up the wall. this is just the start.

She has a thing about the past, as in she won’t let go of it. Everytime she’s been back in town, there has been a trip down memory lane for her and consists of her trackng down a few of her exfucks for what reason, I cannot discern. Since I’ve been back, I’ve tracked down one person, and that was one of my best friends for many years and since that blow out between he and I, I have not looked back. I’m not the same girl I was when I moved away 7 years ago and I’m not the same girl I was in high school. I have nothing in common with these people.

She’s tracked down a guy we have both fucked. I won’t bother mincing words because really, it’s 2003 and I’m calling a spade a spade. I do not wish this guy negative energy, however, I really do not see the point in me seeing him as even with most people i DO keep in touch with, i’mfinding that i’m getting pulled away from them in terms of common interests. At any rate, she’s intoned that she thought i’d want to see him and the schedule i have, it seemed unlikely i would be able to make their little tete-et-tete. But apparently , she got in touch with him tonight and called me 15x (I was too busy playing animal crossing) to tell me this. Now, she and I had talked about meeting up with my brother tomorrow morning (along with her son) but she deemed 10am too late for breakfast. She gets up at 7:30. Sometimes earlier. Everyday. Now she’s invited him to breakfast. On my birthday, she intially did not want to go with me stating that 8pm was too late to eat dinner but changed her mind at the last minute when she realised I was still going with other friends. Now for this breakfast , when Jeff (my brother) told her that he wanted 10am, she declined but when this guy told her 10am, she insisted ANYTIME !

Now, the thing is, like I said, i don’t wish this guy ill will, but in all reality, i don’t really see WHAT in possible we could have in common. The last time he saw me was ten plus years ago and i weighed 100lbs less. That was not a typo. What was also interesting is that my ‘relationship’ with him was made into the local injoke (since he and I had sex in a bathtub amongst other places) but her relationship with him was not. I, again, do not bear this guy ill will, I just do not have an interest in seeing him.

Now, the thing is, I realise today, the housegues and my brother are two of a kind. Both of them have this “stab or be stabbed mentality”, and everything accounts for something. For instance, if you don’t send her a card for her birthday or whatever holiday, she won’t even send you one on yours, simply because you didn’t in the first place. She’s about tit for tat and you know, the more I sit here and the more I think about it, I’m not really wanting to put myself in a position to be with her, my brother and some guy i fucked 10 years ago for a breakfast meeting. Hello keg to powder to match.

Now let me examine this a bit more clearer, my brother and I have had estranged relationship for the last month. Since my birthday. Now, I invited him to come along on that date on the condition that he pay his own way. I warned him that if he did not have money, don’t show up. I said this MANY times. I did not have money to pay for him, period. Now, he shows up and brings his roommate, without telling me. They (roommate, brother, houseguest) decend to the car where they wait to leave. Now, apparently this is all MY fault because they left me standing there feeling like an idiot with my other friends. Not that i don’t love the other people who came up, i do, but apparently it’s my fault for thinking that houseguest, roommate, brother were being rude. Right.

We get to the resturant and wait to be seated. Brother and roommate go drinking at the bar and we are finally seated to eat dinner. I tell my brother, AGAIN (at least a dozen times now privately), no alcohol, no money no food. I’m broke. He spends 15 bucks on alcohol, gets the most expensive dinners on the plate and then hands me 3 dollars. 3 dollars to cover over 40 bucks in stuff, if not more. I’m really sorry but I thought that was the total lack of respect and rudeness Houseguest sides with my brother, said “you should not be spreading his business on the table”. My brother is a pathological liar, and i have no qualms puttig the chips on the table and i give a fuck all about the result of public ideals in this case. I had, no money. I used the last 60 bucks i had in my wallet to pay for that dinner. My brother and I got into a screaming match over that and few other things. ANother instance, he uses my dogs as bait to his pitbull. such as, pinning wednesday in the same cage as chaos and letting them go at it thinking it’s funny. He’s stolen from my house and thought it was okay. If you are that broke you need to eat 6 month old box of mac and cheese, then fine. But you know, ask first. He owes me thousands from the six months alone. he’s absused my genorosity to the point where i no longer can trust him with anything. He’ll never ever say he’s sorry.

oh well you know
it’s different now
you’ll go stabbing yourself in the neck