It’s all for you baby.

I’m done killing kethryvis I think, I’ve been serenading her with Tommy Page lyrics for a while now and she says she has to go brush her teeth from the sweetness. hah.

So, before I go to bed, I just wanted to jot this down.

I mentioned about finding someone recently and getting in touch with them. I’m good at that, you know, finding people. His name was Mike. (hence he started the trend where I state all men named michael have broken my heart — except dear humandays, cos I lurve him).

I’m very punch drunk.

As I was saying, I met Mike when I was 17. He’s like in the top three guys that have been hugely influenced on me. First off, he pursued me. LIke relentlessly. Like intensely. Our relationship spanned on and off for five years, I don’t think anyone has pursued me as much as he did, almost frighteningly and I was ms “Oh, no, I’m not getting involved” with him kind of thing. Which of course caused him to pursue me even harder. But he stuck by me for a lot of things and well, there were some times I treated him pretty badly. It was fucked all around.

Things were heavily complicated. Especially when you are 17, 18 and 19, ane especially 20, 21.

So the crux is:
Mike’s family was/is pretty influential in the area and he ended up leaving and going to Guam, and shit changed drastically between us. He wanted me to come out and we were going to get married and all these big huge dreams when you are 18, 19, 20 years old. Then one night he calls me and he tells me he had been with someone. An older woman. And he was drunk. I was floored. You know how it is when you finally work your trust down and you finally say “Okay, yah, I want to trust this person” and they hurt you and you kick yourself in the ass about it. Well it was like that. and he had the gall to say “I did it all for you baby.” Jesus, I can still see the image of the scene when he told me on the phone and my facial expression in the window pane.

Shortly after that, I ended up dating Alan, which lead to another interesting period in my life. which is neither here nor there. And Mike flew back from Guam and he walked into the store I was working at out of the blue, with two plane tickets to go back to Guam, and one of them was for me. And here I am 20 years old and what the fuck am I supposed to say that ? I said no. I was with Alan, he was THE ONE. hah. Boy was I wrong. But I was young and god, things were just intense. And the look in those big green eyes of his when I said no and when he left. I cried, convinced i had made the right decision.

My relationship with him was like that, on/off, for a long time. I guess in a way I’ve been disappointed that he’s never come looking for me? Maybe I fancied myself as being HIS ONE and therefore thought he would try to save me (from whatever — probably myself) Mike did a lot of actions that I always based future boyfriends on. You know, if XXX loved me he would pursue me the way Mike did. Whatever, the point being that there is a lot of unfinished business between us.

So I’m browsing around on classmates.com and I’m thinking “oh i wonder if xxx” is on there and I narrow the search to all students who are there from 1987-1992 or something silly and his name shows up on second or third page. I just kind of sat there and looked at it and looked at it again. I sorta half laughed, half cried. A few years ago when I was home when my mom was sick, Josh said he stopped by and asked about me. Wanted to get in touch with me. Josh hadn’t spoken to me since I had left for SF and no one knew how to get in touch with me.

So sent him, Mike, and email message, no word back.
I have not spoken to him since 1994? 1995? I still remember his smell, Joop! cologne for men. heh. He had the biggest green eyes. Great voice. Chubby in all the right places.

We were so fucking innocent, it’s almost painful to think about.
I do not romantically hold ideals he’ll come and rescue me, because i know that won’t happen, But I do know I’ll see him again and then we can finally get closure to this whole mess. I just hope he’s happy. I also know I’ll see him when I least expect it.

our song is below: shut up.


I’ll give all my love to you
by Keith Sweat

Ooh, baby, baby, baby
Whoa…oh…
My, my, my, my baby, yeah, girl
Oh, I love you, baby
Ooh, yes, I, yes, I do, girl

I love you in the night
I’m gonna take it real, real slow (Ooh, my baby)
I understand what you told me
And if I didn’t know

I always wanted someone just like you
I really to hold you
I’d give the world to you, oh, my darlin’
You know I will, yeah, yeah, you know I will, I surely will

I will never do anything to hurt you (I wouldn’t do one single thing to you, babe)
I’ll give all my love to you (Gonna give every bit of my love, my love)
And if you need me, baby, I’ll come runnin’ (Yes, I will)
Only to you (To you, my baby, yes, I will)

Why don’t we just lay down, baby
And hold each other real, real close
‘Cause I don’t wanna rush you, baby (No, no, no, no, no)
If time, if time is what you need the most

I always wanted to love you
You could make all my dreams come true
I want to love you, love you tonight, oh, my darlin’
Yes, I do (Na-na), yeah…yeah…yeah…

I will never do anything to hurt you (I will never do one little thing to you, baby)
I’ll give all my love to you (And I’m gonna give you every little bit of my love tonight, girl)
And if you need me, baby, I’ll come runnin’ (Oh, ho, yes, I will)
Only to you (Only to you, baby, oh, oh, oh, I)

Mmm, mmm, now, now, now, now
Girl, I’ve been longin’ for you, baby, for a long, long time
Girl, let’s make love tonight, babe
I can make you feel real good, baby, I can make you feel real good, baby
Sometimes, sometimes I get a little lonely, baby (It gets so rough for me, baby)
And I need somebody I could call all mine
I need the love, so fine

So you are the one for me, baby
I know that you are the world for me, baby (You are the one)
Yeah…yeah…yeah…yeah…yeah…yeah…whoa…

I will never do anything to hurt you (I will never, never do a thing to hurt you)
I’ll give all my love to you (I give you every single bit of my love)
And if you need me, baby, I’ll come runnin’ (All you got to do, baby)
Only to you (When you need somebody pick up the phone, I’ll be there, I’ll be right there)

I will never do anything to hurt you (Ooh, baby, baby, baby)
I’ll give all my love to you (Understand, understand what I’m sayin’ to you, baby)
And if you need me, baby, I’ll come runnin’ (Oh, baby)
Only to you (Only to you, baby, only to you, baby, only you, baby, I’ll never hurt you)

I will never do anything to hurt you
I’ll give all my love to you
And if you need me, baby, I’ll come runnin’
Only to you