Mud Angels

Friday night, Danny and I went out for dinner.
I was giddy that day, partially from the lack of sleep or partially from something else: I’ll never know. When he walked in through my door, he was hiding something behind his back. We went round and round through my front hallway and he presented me with a PowerPuff Girl toy and I squealed like a little girl.

Dinner was flirtatious.

We went to La Cantina, a local Mexican place, and we sat in the foray on a big bench that was high enough off the ground for us to swing our feet. We sat next to each other, thigh to thigh, arm to arm, as we watched patrons walk in and out of the restaurant. Our feet swinging to an invisable tune only we knew. I quipped I never wanted to be normal, like these women with their placed hair and perfect make up. My bangs were growing out and were dangling in my face. I had braided my hair into pigtails and I wore my playboy bunny earrings. I felt frisky and free with my juicy tubes lip gloss on watching these women walk through that had to be younger than me and looking as if they were going to faint from being so fucking placed. He said you look normal — now. Yah, I did I suppose. The facial piercings were gone. Tattoos were covered up. I looked like a college kid. Danny made up with it with having both eye brows pierced, head was freshly shaved, septum pierced (but hidden), one ear gauged up and the other one with a smaller earring. And he smelled so good. He was wearing Curve and I was sitting across from him dying the whole time. Men should not smell that good, it aint right.

We flirted all through dinner. He’d wink at me and I’d wink back. Except I can’t wink. I do it all exaggerated and it looks — funny and I mean it to look funny. And I asked him my typical questions “What turns you on”, I mean, we dated on and off for nearly seven years! We were acting like high school kids and personally I didn’t care.

Danny “gets me”. The media-whoring and the toy collecting and the electronics were all in spurned from him. His old apartment made my old cube at UUNet look sparse. It was that bad.

We giggled like ten year olds about going to Toys R US and were groaning because it was closed. We went to a local video store and walked through the DVDs and he knew even the indies and the straight-to-videos and it had been so long since I had spoken to someone like that. This is how we met. August. 1996. I was working at a Blockbuster and he was working as a welder and he came into my video store 3x a week. I’d flirt with him and he’d flirt back and he will tell you he fell in love with me before we even went on a date! The night he asked me out, we were talking in the parking lot for an hour and “It’s The End Of The World As We Know It (and I feel fine)” by REM came on the radio and I had danced in the parking lot like a madwoman.

We grabbed XXX and a sucker for me, then drove to my brothers, which was right down the street. I’m sucking on this damn sucker like there is no tomorrow and I’m putting on my gloves and Danny is calling me a pussy because why put on my gloves when we were so close? We get out the car and Danny is finishing his cigarette and I reach down, pack a snowball and SMACK on the chest. He throws the cigarette down and starts chasing me and I’m laughing hysterically. He grabs me and my sucker is incredulously still in my mouth and we almost tumble down to the ground in the snow. We are still laughing and my brother says we sound like hyenas. He high fives danny and makes rude comments. We laugh and leave racing through the snow.

Back at my apartment we start watching XXX and it’s getting late as he has to get up and work in the morning. I’m pushing my feet against his thigh and being a pain. My dogs are throwing themselves on him and he’s getting this disguntled look on his face with the dog hair and I chew my lower lip and watch XXX. At 11pm on the dot, he gets up and pushes Lily off of him and I walk him to the door, my hands in my back pockets and he hugs me and we stand there for a minute or five and he says something and I say something and we laugh and he reaches out and cups my face.

He kisses me.

I knew it was coming. I KNEW IT WAS COMING. I mumble something about how it took him long enough for him to kiss me and he says that I could have kissed him. I don’t say anything and I just reach up and kiss him again. Our lips are soft and there is a lot of tongue action going on and I kick him out of my apartment and clap my hands in glee after I lock the door.

Hence why I’m a shameless hussy.
hah.

People have said when they see us together, they think they see what couples are supposed to be like. He gets me and it shows. We get each other.

But (and there is always this but).

He’ll tell you, I’m a flake.
He’ll tell you I put myself before others. Or at least i did.
He’ll tell you that sex with me can be really hot and sexy and wonderful and then on the other hand, it’s a humiliating experience because when I’m angry no one is left alive.
He’ll tell you while I’m never boring, you never know where you stand or who you are talking to.
He’ll tell you I dream too much and I can’t be brought to earth.
He’ll tell you about the depth despairing depression that sometimes grip me like an iron glove.

These crystaline moments with him, give me hope. And I had wished long ago and far away that he and I could have finally just gotten married and gotten it over and done with and could have been happy but I got cold feet and ran. To San Franciso. haha. I ran 3k miles!

And I asked him, why do we do this? SEVEN YEARS! He said “In August”. ANd I smile and he smiles back and I say “yes. in august.” Back and forth back and forth. Round and Round it goes.

Danny is like a fav tshirt. I can slip him on and know how I’m gonna feel but, in the end, there are too many rifts between us, between me and me alone and it will never work. I will see him occassionally and we will grin like goofy idiots, but it’s so FUCING TEMPORARY! We were always good at temporary and never permenant.

I want someone who wants the more things I want and it’s not him. And kissing him, it’s cemented as there is no spark there used to be anymore. Before you could cut the sexual tension with a knife and now there is no tension, just acceptance and reassurance.

I had thought recently that I was done with him due to an argument but seeing each other I knew the reverse to be true except I know that it’s not like how it was in downtimes and teh inbetween times and that one of us or both of us have changed.

I want him happy and I know it’s not me.
That is what makes me the most sad, because in the depths of my grinch heart, I wish to some extent it was and I know it never will be.