muzak

i was sitting here, looking at the stack of 20 or CDs sitting on top of pleiades, and realized that i had nothing but depressing music. GEEZ!

Now Playing: Squirrel Nut Zippers:Hot.

Really bored?

Here is a list of all the cds I own.

I’m so cool beavis.

what’s sad is that i need another cd-rack. mine is erm, filled. i have no where am near danny though — he’s got over 500 CDs at last count. probably closer to a 1000. what’s even sadder is that i look at it and there is NOTHING there i want to listen to. grrrr. but that’s alright though, i have four or five new CDs showing up 🙂

thank god for mp3s. but you didn’t hear me say that.

ARGH!!!!!!!!!

My damn short attention span. I spend too much time at second spin. Here is a list of CDs I want. I’ll take ’em used. I’m not picky:

 


Artist
The JudyBats

Ibid

Ibid

3rd Bass

Ibid


CD
Daylight(cd-single)

Hold Your Horses – Judybats Rarities 1

When Southern Bells

Derelicts of Dialect

Cactus Album

 

Shit shit shit.

I’m sure, there are like a gazillion cds I want. However, I’m having an attack of amnesia.

Now Playing: JudyBats : Pain (Makes Me Beautiful).

Jesus christ on a pogostick!

Amazon.com has NO mention of this cd or anything by the Bats!! lemme try cdnow.com. yeah that’s it. GOOD GOD! Nothing at cdnow! Christ!! SOB!! One of the best bands from Tennessee in gods knows how long and well hell — best band in the late 80s/90s and freaking NOTHING. NOTHING AT CDUNIVERSE.COM EITHER!

It’s a conspiracy!!

I can’t find Judybats but they have Spoken word by Jewel?!? What’s up with that. I read her crap standing in a line one day at Barnes and Noble. The stupid bitch wrote a poem (in tribute to Charles Bukowski) called “Bukowsky’s Widow”. The dumb cunt spelled his goddamn name wrong! Gash.

I’m angsty. Well. Truth be told.

truth, justice and the lisa way

Ed.: Just got back from seeing Star Wars: Phantom Menace for the second time. DARTH MAUL IS SO SEXY! And I’ll probably see it one more time.

but anyway.

I was having a conversation with you know who (I swore I wouldn’t mention him again for a few days. I sound like a sappy high school girl. Next thing you know I’ll be drawing hearts an flowers!), but i digress, about trust, cheating and other predicaments.

now this particular person had has lovers cheat on him. he has trust issues. and i have no problem explaining things to him about people. i know a lot of people.

But again, I digress.

Anyone whose a fan of this site and has read back through all my pieces knows that I’m a HUGE fan of trust/honesty and commitment. Lord knows, all the whining I do on relationships, i was the one getting dumped on FAR MORE often then dumping of people. And in my whole life, I’ve only cheated twice. Once in high school on this guy Chris who I later found out had been cheating on me the whole time and dumped me for said girl. Alan cheated on me, Miguel cheated on me, the list is endless.

The second time I cheated on someone was with Danny, with Michael (I know too many damn Michaels!). (Miguel went by mike as well. Do you know see why my theory of ever male I know named Michael either dates a girl whose with someone or cheats on their girlfriend? It’s impossible!). I’m not proud of what I’ve done. And I have regretted it ever since then. I couldn’t have told Danny “I’m Sorry” enough to make it go away. I’ve done a lot of stupid things in my lifetime and a lot of stuff that I regret, but it has made me the person I am today. This is me.

Now, I used to believe in one-on-one relationships. My experiences with Jeff taught me about polyamory — and then I conceded that polyamory was for people who are afraid to make commitment. On the other hand, polyamorous relationships can have it’s benefits and as long as adults are consenting I don’t see a problem.

I’ve grown up. I’ve matured.

But, in all honesty, when Pawl and I used to talk about relationships and whatnot, and the possibility of US being in a relationship, and he said he didn’t care who I did as long as I came back to him. And sometimes that sounded fine — because I liked the idea of being FREE. But most of the time, It killed me because it showed just how little respect we had for each other. It didn’t grain with me at all.

But for the last couple of months, I’ve been doing some serious thinking. I’ve read all the books on commitment and polyamory, I’ve formed my own opinions for me.

I think, above and beyond anything else, trust and honesty is the way to go. If you are in a committed relationship with someone, and it’s monogamous, then it should remain as such. If you can’t keep your dick/pussy in your pants long enough to break up with the person, that shows, to me, how much disrespect you have for that person. I’ve been down that route. Especially when your bf of on/off of five years calls you and tells you “Hey — this 40yo chick just sucked me off. Everything I do, I do for you baby!” I still cringe when I hear those words.

My own personal experience is that after Alan dumped for another chyk (whom he had been cheating on me with). For three years I was single. I swore that no man would ever have my heart ever again. Not like that. It was too painful. It hurt way too much. I could never ever love like that. Proof in point, when I saw an Alan duplicate last year, my stomach dropped to the floor and I almost started crying. In the middle of the restaurant no less. I still loved the bastard after all these years. It never goes away, the pain just dims to a fading memory.

And I know where my faults lie. The internet is safe, c’mon it’s true. You can form intense relationships that last for days and feel like years. You get to know all the person you can and there is always something missing. I’ve said this publicly to my friends too many times: I like knowing I can see the person when I want to see them. Meaning, they don’t get the full Lisa-effect. They get what I choose to share with them. It’s safe. No real hurt involved. Nothing. It gets easier as time goes on. You put on this mask and you become a shell of yourself. They will never see how you look at certain movies, how you taste, how you feel against them at night. It’s a sham. I hate internet relationships. But in my own shyness offset, it’s the only way I could deal because after putting so much trust and hope into one person and have that person walk all over you — it’s hard.

the irony is that right now, i’m in a quasi-relationship. i refuse to define it. I know it’s there. this is something real. Because I can’t not help what he would look like when he laughs. And I took that piece of information and chewed on it for awhile and realize that i need to make it somewhat real. No more pixilated pictures. Nothing. I’ve spoken on this time and time again. It has to be real or it’s nothing.

i keep digressing.

justin used to laugh at all the mens i would have on a string — and it’s easy and it’s true. and every single one of those men on internet knew as well as i did that nothing would come of this. we would never meet. it was a diversion for whatever reason. and that’s okay too. and i’ve remained friends (for the most part) with those mens for a long time. good friends. more chances then not it was more platonic then romantic because the spark wasn’t there. and on the internet, everything is nothing but undercurrents and what not. they have other dalliances. i have mine. and then it ends.

earlier today when i got home from work, i was thinking about my friend victor.

i haven’t spoken to him in eons it seems, but he said something that struck in my mind: that the more a girl likes someone the more apt that she’s not going to use protection with that person. at first i laughed and said he was wrong, but went back to him a few days later and told him he was right. i looked back at my own relationships and knew that i was more apt to go condom-less the more i liked a person. but lisa has more self-respect for herself. a deep seeded fear after finding out that Alan not only slept with me bare-back but the bitch bare-back drove me insane. there has only been one person in the last five years i’ve slept without a condom on, and that was danny. we were monogamous (i used condoms with michael thank you) and i get checked every year. I don’t EVEN think about sleeping with someone without a condom now. it’s habit. one of the guys i car pool with left a condom in my car. i shoved it in my wallet. i started joking with my friends that it was for the “just in case” i ever met someone that i dug (hahahahahahahah). i always see the humour in that.

back on track lisa.

oh yeah, sorry.

so anyway, i started thinking about what victor said and related it to relationships. love can be defined by me in so many ways and i started thinking about all the guys i’ve liked in the past. how far would i go? for the most part, not very far. it would be as it was an that was that. but i noticed that once i started singling out things about a certain person. how much time i talk to them, email them, want to see them, everything else falls into place. you make allowances for that person that you wouldn’t make for others. what victor said was downright brilliant.

i’ve always been afraid on how to like someone again. really like someone. because the whole world is a stage and your the performer. and you really don’t want to fuck up. and i worry about that, worry that one of my little idosyncricies will shine through and that person will run away screaming in fear. there is so much in my head that has never been let out. i find myself recounting stories to whatshisname that never make it into regular conversation with anyone.

i liked justin, but I didn’t LIKE HIM LIKE HIM, if you knwo what I mean. I’ve only “liked” a few people in all those years — most I could give a shit about.

whoo boy. 🙂

i’ve made my decision, delirious and free.

i had this vision of who i was and who i wanted to be. i’ve recounted it several times over the years and lately within the last year — being in this constant blue funk. and lately i’ve noticed that i’ve been noticing the little things. the way the clouds hang over SF. The way Cat puckers when putting on lipstick, the angle of the shopping carts the homeless leave. the curve of my leg in shorts. things that in the past year went by in a blur.

i used to feel time was running out on me. i wouldn’t live long and that i would have nothing left to show for it. sometimes i wonder just how much you can say before you make a fool out of yourself.

in conclusion, i just want to say this: if you are in a relationship with someone, and you honestly are in love with them. tell them. daily. tell them you care. if you’re not in love with them, break up with them. leave them. find someone who can make you happy. Just don’t ever lie to them or cheat on them. You’ll regret it in the morning.

I’ve got a spring in my step lately and i’ve been feeling good. and maybe it’s because i’m taking time out for me for once. looking at who i am. feeling myself out.

and you know?

for once i like who i am.

and that, in itself is a small miracle.