“Souvenirs are not included in this trip.”

I leave for Denver in two days and everything I had meant to do before the trip — has not been done. Since there is no choice for somethings and others will just have to wait, I’m still lollygagging around in my pj’s. But I am doing laundry — so all is well with the world.

When Patrick and I met up back in November, we had driven around looking for a coffee house to go sit and chat. Since we could not find any in the immediate area, we settled on a Big Boy where we sucked down coffee for about 3 hours. The total of the bill was something like $2.37, which he put down a $10. I took the $10 off and laid down a $5. I’m broke, but I can afford coffee. I told HIM not to give me the $10. I had left to make one of many journeys to the bathroom, came back and noticed nothing amiss. Several weeks later, I was cleaning out my purse and found a $10 dollar bill that had been shoved deep in a corner. Since I’m one of those anal people who almost always put money back in their wallet, I called Patrick on the perchance that he had, indeed, but the $10 dollar bill in my purse. I could hear the sheepishness 1100 miles away, that yah, he DID put the $10 dollar bill in my purse. We argued. Not seriously, but it was funny.

I have issues with people who want to be “generous” or “spoil” me. For all of my adult life, I’ve held a job, and thusly paid for almost everything out of my own pocket. The last few guys I had serious relationships with professed undying love but were pretty cheap when it came to gifts for me. While I would constantly purchase things for them that I thought they would like, that they would want or that they would need, it was almost never returned back to me. I never really saw this as being a “bad thing” because I like making people happy. Same token, it’s difficult for me borrow money unless it’s needed (rare occasions) and I always pay it back, even if it’s minute. I don’t like feeling I “owe” someone anything. I almost always feel that if someone does pay for something for me, it’s not simply because they want to be generous and I get racking guilt if the favor is not returned.

When Christmas time came around, and Patrick and I were unable to get together due to his business stuff, he asked me what I wanted. I told him nothing. I didn’t mean it in that “But yes I want something, but I’m too stubborn to tell you” way, I really did mean “nothing.” Oh sure, I could have asked for lots of things but the price tags were incredibly high (oh say, like a new coach bag). Patrick sent me a dozen roses, and I in turn, sent him a dozen roses. Conversations that followed from Patrick were about how he had to “restrain himself” from shopping too much. It’s not that I felt restraint in shopping for Patrick for Xmas, rather, he makes 32090293840329 trillion dollars a year, and it’s difficult to buy for a man when you don’t know what he already has AND can more than likely buy it himself. So, roses it was.

I’ve known Patrick for many years, and I know how he was with his exes — essentially that he spoils them rotten. I also know that many of his exes (two come to mind) have taken advantage of his generosity and that has bothered me because I don’t want to be like one of them. Patrick and I have had debates about this, including the prospect of putting me up in a hotel for my stay. To me, it seemed like a needless waste BUT then he surprised me that booked rooms at the Denver Omni, some four star hotel. He doesn’t want me to feel pressure and if I want to kick him back to the curb for the night, he’d totally understand and he’s fine with that. And he actually MEANS that. We even argued about the hotel because I told him, “As long as it
‘s not Motel 6, I’m fine.” And finally I gave up and said “You win. No argument from me.” I think he fainted.

But in a lot of ways, it goes back with “who the hell are you kidding?” kind of thing. I’m leaving my last class on Friday early to get home, take the dogs out and tart myself up. I asked Patrick what his favorite perfume on women was, and he said Poeme by Lancome. I’m a huge Lancome fan, and have just about every fragrance they make save for Poeme. Tresor is in fact, my signature fragrence. On an impulse, I bought Poeme, liked it and have been wearing it.

To be honest, I’m completely out of my depth here. This is a new situation that I have no handbook or rules for. Not only is Patrick educated and cultured (he’s travelled fairly extensively and speaks five languages with varying degrees), a geek too boot, enjoys nicer things in life (when I mentioned I needed a pedicure, he said “Me too.” And wasn’t kidding), reads, is within my age range (only three years younger than me, compared to most of the kiddies I date), is taller than me (he’s 6’2-6’3), has a dirty mind and he’s cute. The list is endless. And he knows me, we’ve been friends for years and the timing was never right to hook up (pesky exes and all).

When discussing about staying at the Omni, he quipped something about how he liked the nicer things in life, I said something about “Why are you with ME? I’m ghetto trash just bursting out!” and he said “I knew you were going to say that. It’s a compliment to YOU.”

Completely and utterly out of my depth. Every other relationship, regardless whom with or how it is started, I rush in with firecrackers, and they have always blown up in my face. Now, I’m stalling with my feet with the “You can’t make me do that!” I’ve always thrown myself at men with the “You’ll never know unless you try argument” and with Patrick, I’ve suddenly become this coy and reserved person.

Subconsciously, I’ve always known that previous relationships were not going to last and my brandishing of demands and aggressiveness, perhaps as protection tactics? A ploy? Who knows. It’s like when I kissed Patrick in his mothers driveway, I attacked him with such fury I shocked him — but in a way it was because I knew I can. I had the power of being a female. I said to him later, “When you kissed me, it was like you were holding back.” And he said, “I was.” I was like “oh.” Because I love to kiss, and when we were swapping spit, he did the whole face thing and you know, I can’t be having that as my knees got weak and I kept clutching his leather jacket going “WHY WHY WHY!” with him looking at me amused.

New territory. I’ve always been the one in control and have paid, dearly, for that right. With Patrick, I’m not in control and while he would argue that I was, he’s wrong — I’m not. I think I’m going to go now. 🙂

I need to quietly have a breakdown.