a: boy-who-lives-overseas: I never finished the story I started here. It was — bizarre to put it mildly. We got out a lot of how we felt and he flip-flopped from how “I don’t have time to deal with this” to “Why aren’t you telling me what’s going on!” I said “You can’t have your cake and eat it too you know!” So we talked and he understood where I was coming from and I was actually pretty impressed that he wanted to discuss it — he kept reiterating that he couldn’t expose his soul like I exposed mine and I retorted it wasn’t about exposing ones soul — it was about you know how friendship is two way street. I wasn’t going to take this one way giving any more — screw that. But the friendship feels real — it doesn’t feel like it’s just online based. Bizarre I know. REM is doing a world tour and they are hitting Belgium this June — shortly after my 31st birthday. He asked me to go — if my passports get their act together. This wouldn’t be completely out of the questions — flights from Chicago-Brussels are running 250 RT (and hopefully my fat ass will be a much smaller version for me to sit in couch for 10 zillion hours). But the thing is 6 months ago I would have been packing my bag and saying “I’ll be there in a minute” , but now, I’m scared. Even platonically the idea of going to .be to meet him now does not excite me but scares me, tremendously. I feel like the proverbial dog who got kicked one too many times, and while the experience of going to .eu would be tremendous, I just don’t want to deal with the rejection, even if it is platonically.
b: boy-who-lives-near-me: the exfiancee. one of two, I guess, technically. HAS BEEN GETTING ON MY LAST NERVE. for several reasons (and yes this is soap opera from hell interlude): he lives with his Lisa-look-alike exgf. they are JUST ROOMATES (as he says). Yet, I can’t call over there. I can’t hang out with him without him punching a time clock (I have to be home before Karen is etc) and he is CONDESENDING. God, I never realized how stupid he thought I was. He came over when my stuff was delivered and he sat there being a dick about the damn dresser — about how I had to be careful because there were different woods — I told him I built Ikea dressers before, I can handle it, no biggie, I’ve done almost all the old furniture in my apartment back in DC (which was Ikea based). He kept reiterating about how difficult it was as I was pushing him out the door.Then he picked a fight with me in best buy. About cables. I knew what I had to buy but he kept insisting I get XYZ and he picked a fight with me about me getting a universal remote, because I wanted the 8 unit one and I only have four units that needed a remote so he kept saying “Why do you want the 8 unit one?” I mean for fuck sakes, if i want to spend the extra five bucks for the 8 unit one, it is MY MONEY. Picking a fight is too strong a word, how about kept insisting he was right even though I had told him specifically before we left what I needed and had shown him at my apartment? Right. And then he is the charmer, he IM’d me before I left for the class the other day and said “I thought I’d stop over and bang you before class.” Right. Aint that smooth. I’m just so, disgusted about how this has turned out. I had no intention of sleeping with him but I do/did think he was a close friend and this whole thing has made me feel just, ugh. I told him if he wanted a piece of this he’d have to work for it and he just assumed he would be working it THAT way — uh no , sorry. I realised I’m not even sexually attracted to him anymore — which is a good thing. I’m not even upset, just disappointed. And the kicker? He’s a father. Of a 7 year old. And has YET to tell his parents.
c:the-boy-who-was-the-crush: never happened. met him before i left DC and we wanted, desperately, to go out with each other. But I was living with Paul and even though Paul and I were officially split up, this wasn’t going to work. He came out from left field and sent me a dear lisa letter — even before we had a damn date. I said, apparently, a string of things to him that hit dead on. He emailed me this week. Apologizing. Apparently I was right about him and one of his girlfriends who I knew wanted to date him (i think elvenresistance knows exactly how this whole thing works) and he kept denying how they were just ‘friends’ and she didn’t feel that way (right.)– uh sure buddy. Anyways, that bombed. Big surprise. And apparently a few characteristics i had pinpointed on him were dead on. So I was right. I laughed and told boy-who-lives-overseas and he said “i’m not childish and immature” and i said “no, just pighearted and stubborn”. Glad things with the-boy-who-was-the-crush worked out — even in this way. While I’m still interested, I’ve realised a few things about HIS personality that would have driven me up the wall — like the whole grey area — i mean, i’m pretty much into black/white idealism. There are a few greys, sure, but overall, he’d require WAY TOO MUCH maintance and hand holding and that was something I’m not about to do.
I miss Paul. I miss his company because regardless of the fighting and the arguing and the bs, there were a few good things and I miss those good things. He’s scared shitless abotu the whole dating thing as well, which is kind of funny. But it’s only natural to miss someone after living with them for three years. It was definitely intense.