I have noticed, with quiet pleasure recently, this growing of introspective analysis from my friends, even though for the most part, I’ve never met half of them face to face. Yet I find this bonding getting closer between us even if we never speak of it in daily conversations. While I used to fret that the depth of the knowledge I know of someone seemed to weaver between being shallow or my own judgement, I’ve noticed the barriers have been falling left and right and while I’m stuck in Michigan with unable access to hug or play with them, I feel pride for their journeys as they too struggle what I am struggling with. It seems to be this uncommon bond that we seem to have pulled together, without planning or warning, and have embraced ourselves and each other, again, even if words are never directed as so.
In many ways, it is like a revolution of sorts, albeit a quiet one that is growing in numbers. It doesn’t matter who started it or who the ring leader is, it just feels as though we are all moving in the same direction and it pleases me that the more that I reach out,sometimes blindly, to this unknown world, I feel all this love coming from around the globe that is faint but growing.
The ideal of what “human” is and our psyche has long been since discussed via philosophers, theologians, writers, assmonkies and anyone else with an asshole. We can speculate and titillate and fondle our emotions only to find that even when we feel that we are alone, we truly are not. This is difficult to comprehend, I know, because even in my weakest hours when I feel like the world is against me and that there is no one to save me, there is some underlying truth to the heart of it all that there are others out there and while we are not geographically close, or of the same race,or of the same creed or even of the same culture, we seem to be finding ourselves to each other.
The nihilistic masquerade we throw over ourselves is dissolving. Recently I’ve been upset because I’m no longer angry and that pissed me off (ironic) but I realised NOW due to recent changes in the world that I don’t have to be angry (necessarily) to justify the means or the ends. Perhaps it’s wisdom or an unkown strength? Who knows, but lately the world has been coming into a brighter light and I have not had the reasons to find out why. It’s not a spiritual thing and I have not found “God” (even though my mother would be happy as punch to know that) but it’s something else entirely. I just feel like the whole world that I once knew has been dissolved in the blink of an eye and there was really nothing, per se, that changed other than similiar minds coming together and finding each other and acknowledging that this exists. in a way, it’s almost like being enlightened but I don’t think I can quite describe the feelings and give them their true benefit (then again, it could be sleep deprivation). As corny as it is, the truth WILL set you free.
I’ve rejected most common and accepted methods of ideology because therein lies the fallacy of interpretation. The contradictions each of these ideologies play breaks my heart because in the search for one thing, everything else is rejected and in true Gen X style, I rejected everything I was told to believe in, except the ideal of believing in myself. I was searching for purity and truth and love and found hate greed and blaspheme riddled within people I knew and in the texts I’ve read and the things I’ve experienced. Pure, true souls are not regaled to the insane, the innocent or the naive. I think we are all innocent of life because we have yet to discover and form opinions of life in and of itself. While we breathe, shit, fight and make love, for most it is mechanical there is no life.