this much i know is true

My birthday is in two days.

Gifts of luv, money, new life, geeky men can be sent here.

i had just finished the tome I Know This Much Is True by Wally Lamb. what else can you say about a 900 page tome about twins, incest, drugs, AIDS, SIDS and other fun stuff?

the ending was tied too neatly and everything fell into place.

all i wanted to do was give someone a hug, and i had no one to do so.

i’ve been thinking about death recently. and life. i can’t help not thinking about. i’ve been obsessed with the thought of death since i was a wee tot and had seen this television show on cryogenics. i laid awake in fear, thinking that someone was going to put me in a big freezer and never let me out.

would explain where the insomnia came into it place.

i spent hours tonight talking to cartoon boy. and most of it just me talking with him listening. i appreciated that. because in all honesty, no one, in a long time has ever really asked me about stuff in general. about me. questions have arrived, looking for answers, about why i do this site? there are no real answers or any that i can think of. but the context always begs “what will she say and what won’t she say?”. and i find that i don’t dwell on anything in particular and i find that i don’t speak of any particular subject. however, it just is. it’s something and it’s nothing.

when i think about love lately, i think about why people fall in love. is it mutual attraction? loneliness? what?

i spoke to my friend sherry yesterday to wish her a happy 26th birthday. 10 years we have known each other — amazing. she’s living with ben now – finding that hard to believe. i told her that we have swapped roles — she’s now settling down while I’m jet setting around. she laughed and said that i never expected this from her did i? no, i knew it was coming. i never told her that. and now it’s true. all my friends are either married with children, married or just have children. I’m truly the last one left. we’d joke, shelly and i about sherry — about how she would never settle down. and now she has.

when mike and i talk about relationships, i always go back to Alan and how he broke my heart when i was 21. and it seems, talking with mike more, that the relationships in between then and now were not as important or as life changing. every person you meet changes you, in some way or another, but there are some who alter your life drastically. and Alan did that to me.

I’m not saying that those relationships since then were indifferent, they weren’t. what i am saying is that when you fall in love for the first time in your life, it changes everything.

as i have said before, mike is the type of person i would date in a heartbeat if it were so. but there is 2000 miles of dirt between us that cannot just be upped and gone. (is that even proper English?) the funny thing is, i gave up on irc relationships years ago — and i find myself into another one. is he my bf? no. but is he just a friend? no. then what the fuck is he? i dunno. he’s a keen guy. i likes him a lot. he’s’ tall, funny, southern, smart, likes the same music and movies (!) (dude, he knows of greg dulli — you cannot go wrong here) plus he’s creative. I’ll whip his ass in trivial pursuit. you know it. BRING IT!

the problem is, in the past, i have gone places for the sake of love, knowing it wasn’t going to work out. but i gave it that old heave ho try to MAKE SURE cos i didn’t want to leave a stone unturned. and my heart always got broken. in some aspect anyway.

this saturday i will be 27 and 30 is looming right ahead. i am frightened by different things and doing the whole dating dance scares me. there is no rhyme or reason why I’m not out and about with my friends here in SF — but partly the reason i have for hesitance is because SF has tainted itself and I don’t see it as being the city of dreams i thought so many years ago. however, i grew up a lot our here — and maybe some of the choices i make in the future won’t be so damn retarded. sure.

i would like to meet mike.

i told him so early this evening in our conversation. but i find now that i have been left alone to my own mind, that my hesitation grows long and weary. there are no warning signals indicating he’s a freak. i am not tied to anything or anyone in any particular place. i have no fears here or there that would keep me rooted to SF or forbidding me from flying to Graceland to meet a k-rad guy.

the only thing i fear

is falling in love.