why

“never tell anyone anything, you’ll end up missing them.”
— quote on the halfshell from Catcher in the Rye

i’ve come to the conclusion i’ll never understand people.

ever.

there will be something that will continue to elude me for as long as i live. no matter how empathetic i can get or how on target my perceptions are, people will always remain a puzzle to me.

pawly was right when he said that not baring all was good — too much information was a disastrous thing.

i think my problem is, that for once i wanted normalcy and i got —

i can’t say a bad thing. because more was given to me in the last few months than i remember in a long time. but that doesn’t mean i still know why.

tonight i spent a considerable amount of time pacing the floors and banging my head against the wall wanting a cigarette. bean kept telling me, if i got through this, during this crisis (today has been the day from hell) i would get through all. i would be okay and that i could survive this. justin kept telling me the same damn thing as i cried and begged for ONE cigarette.

the smell of smoke was all around the house, making me sick, but i wanted a fucking cigarette.

and the world should know i decided to eat dinner first and not smoke or go to the store.

so i’m still holding clean.

you walk in, just like smoke
with a little c’mon c’mon c’mon
in your walk, c’mon
i’ve been waiting
are you waiting
for my move
i’m making it
you move me
you do
like i’ve never been done before
you don’t even know
what you do to me

the sad part is that sometimes we will allow our own pride to take precedence over anything else because of fear. and i realize that while a lot things always change, the same things remain the same.

i’ve been smoke free for almost four days now.

i at least have that.

and katchoo and Francine.

but katchoo was a smoker —

SHUT UP! she was also a lesbian! well she didn’t like men. speaking of which, i need to get the latest issues. i’m so behind.

lisa-fan: “heh… i took a picture of you, and pasted it into after dark the other day… so now i have you bouncing across my monitor during the day… it’s pretty relaxing… :)”

i already miss.

i’m so pathetic. aww well. my fault for hoping.

on the half shell
Within the last week i:

  • bought a ticket to Memphis
  • quit smoking
  • got unwanted house guests (who i can’t stand to begin with)
  • got accepted to Western Michigan U
  • lost 5lbs.
  • watched my best friend get proposed to and then jilted at the alter.
  • fall on my ass literally
  • become a raving psychopathic lunatic

I don’t know what’s going on. All I do know is that I keep driving people away. One minute I am “fine” and the next minute i’m a psychotic and depressive, accusatory and pushy. i’m defensive and i’m gonna end up having people hate me.

fast and easy
why is it, that everytime i get motivated to write in this damn thing, it always ends up being 6:28am and somehow or another the last 1/2 hour has been fritted away somewhere. then i say, i’m going to pick this back up at work and then i find i can’t because my train of thought has already disappeared.

funny that, for the last hour i had five different entries of things i wanted to write about this morning and now i’m getting writers block.

is this how a man feels when having sex?

my teeth are coated in sugar. remind me to never ever eat 1/2 bag of jolly ranchers again.

it’s been over 48 hours since i’ve quit smoking, officially. though it’s day three.

I feel like i REALLY owe an apology to a lot of people out there. i won’t name names but, i’ve been treating you rather shitty the last few days. I’m sorry. You gotta understand that the ONLY crutch i’ve had in the last 10 years has been cigarettes and i’ve kicked those to the curb. I never really thought about it, till they were gone, how much psychologically i needed them. How much I associated them with different rituals of my life. It’s scary. I go to grab for a cigarette and find that it’s not there! Woah.

I’m sorry. I’m really really sorry for being moody and paranoid and being a basic pain in the ass. I’m really sorry if I bit your head off, became defensive or picked fights with you. I’m really sorry for being so just damn icky these last few days. I haven’t liked it either, trust me.

guess what. It’s time for worksie!