>i'm attaching an email from you one year ago > >>X-Sender: simunye@pop.slip.net >>X-Mailer: Windows Eudora Pro Version 3.0.1 (32) >>Date: Thu, 20 Nov 1997 03:03:35 -0800 >>To: the roadster warrior >>From: "Lisa M. Rabey" >>Subject: Re: more than a machine... >>Cc: jeff@simunye.com >> >>Dan (and Jeff)- >> >>What can I say, but I understand? That in a way, even though you posted >>that to the whole list, I felt like you were speaking to me due to our >>conversations on the phone last night, when I explained to you about Jeff. >> >>But, I knew. >> >>Tonight (being still 2:12am and seeing as I haven't been to bed yet, its >>still Wednesday) I got a call from one of my oldest and dearest friends, >>Shelly, who has known me since I was 14. >> >>This is a woman who knew all the events in my life up till she moved away >>when I was 20. And even though in the last five years we have lived in >>different states, we have always been the closest of friends. >> >>Shelly read my webpage, fully, for the first time recently. She was upset >>because I hadn't told her everything that was going on, and especially >>about Jeff (He aint all that and a bag of chips she intoned. I said oh yes >>he is!) about Christian, about why I moved, the real reason I moved to San >>Fran. About my life in sundry and generalities. She knows the inner core of >>me, and the rest doesn't really matter. She was there when I lost my >>virginity, she was standing right behind me when my mother told me >>alternate methods of suicide, she was there the very first time I got drunk >>at 15 on a 1/2 a fifth of jack danials. We skipped school together, we swam >>naked in the pool in our apartment complex, we swapped love stories, she >>held me when I cried. She's always been a postitive strength in my life. >> >>TOnight I told her about Jeff. Unlike the rest of my 'friends' who still >>see irc/internet relationships that I have been through and done, she >>didn't say a word. She just laughed and said have a good time. She knew >>nothing short of death would keep me from him. She knew that I had to do >>what I needed to do. >> >>I've already told you most of what I feel for Jeff before on the phone Dan, >>and I won't attempt to anyalze it. Everything about us is compatible. What >>one likes the other likes. And yes, the distance. The stupid distance. >>Total Distance: 2811.9 miles from my house to his (goddamn mapquest rocks >>my world!). Seven hours of flight from sf international to wilkes-barre >>international. >> >>sometimes it seems so incredibley unfair. nearly a year and 3000 miles >>later. through arguments, boyfriends, girlfriends, fast fucks and other >>lovely things, we have stood together. kept sniffing each other. >>'something' had to be there. once, jeff asked me if he was jsut an online >>sex toy for me. i thought long and hard about it. i didn't really answer >>him, and just said something along the lines as though 'why jeff, how could >>you ask something like that?' because its true. he's not. maybe once long >>ago, i thought so, but maybe i grew up and i knew better. i could get sex >>anywhere i pleased. hell, week before jeff and i started our 'thing' again, >>i had a pre-law student down to his calvin klien boxer/breifs. i turned him >>away. i could have had one night of lustful affair and not think twice aout >>it. it wasn't jeff holding me back, it was a reach for something more. >>sometimes, even though with the best intentions, lustful fucks between >>friends aren't enough. there has to be more. >> >>and its not just about sex. its about something even i couldn't even begin >>to analyze. i find myself closing down before my trip to see jeff. i find >>myself just sharing with him things that are imporant to me. some walls are >>breaking down emotionally where before it was just sex ridden lust. i can >>sense it in him to. he's not so angry around me anymore. he just is. the >>laughter in his voice. the smile in his tone when i talk to him. i just >>want to be with him. i just want to lie in his arms and feel him around me. >> when i am sleepy drowsy, and about ready to conk out, i lie on my side and >>imagine that. and i can almost feel him there with me. skin against skin. >> >>sometimes, like now. i feel really cold. i sit here in san francisco, >>freezing wearing nothing but cut off sweat shorts and a tshirt. sarah is on >>the radio. she makes me meloncholy. especially 'elsewhere'. >> >>the practical point is that, how can i miss him? i have yet to met him and >>experiance him. how can i know? >>how can i NOT know? i've made damn sure i haven't made any projections on >>him. i just let him be. i just let him be Jeff. >> >>in all honesty, i feel so far from him right now. i stare at the walls, at >>the pictures, and i listen to music, and i wallow in my own lonliness. >>because i am lonely. im dying here, like i was in michigan. someteims i >>feel that with jeff, only he can truly makem e complete because he >>compliments everything i do. and that seems so against everything i am, and >>it sometimes makes me despise it. but, i can't help but NOT feel that. >>because who else but jeff understands me? he saw everything, the good, the >>bad and defintely the ugly. he was around for the better part of everything >>that occured on my webpage, and while he threw out hateful words, how could >>i not respect what he has given me? he saw through a lot of the bullshit >>that everyone took advantage, and he saw the real me, naked in the wind. >> >>how could i NOT love him for that? >>how could i NOT want to fight for that? >> >>goosepimples run up and down my legs. i have been so cold lately. i just >>lay in bed after business hours are over and i am done dealing with clients >>and read. i shiver and while i read and think about jeff. >> >>i can never feel like i can get warm. sometimes, when i talk to jeff, that >>is the only way i feel alive sometimes. and i hate saying that. i hate >>feeling it sometimes, because i dare not give him all that responsiblities. >>because giving something like your heart is tricky business. >> >>so i stow it away till the day i meet him and see the gleam in his eyes and >>see the laugher play upon his lips. >> >>thats all i can think about. everything seems irrelevant. >> >>and i feel so damn lost. because i want to experiance the world with him. i >>want to give him what i feel he's given me. >> >>actually this letter isn't going the way i planned. >>still in a meloncholy mood i suppose. jeff's friend raplhie poo, whom i >>correspond with on a daily basis says that i should be postive, but, >>suprizingly, now that the days seem to be ticking away ever so slowly, >>december 26th seems like its NEVER going to get here. >> >>and i keep putting 'elsewhere' on repeat. >> >>i dunno. >>i just want to be with jeff. >>thats it. no frills. no analyzing. no bullshit. >>i just want him. >>naked with a smile ;) >> >>love, >>moi > > >Can you even begin to imagine how much you've changed in the past year? i'd say you're a completely different person, but to me you're the same person who has evolved into a higher lifeform *laugh* > >compare yourself last year with where you are now. you have someone who seems to be an incredible guy, Justin, who seems to love you unconditionally. take 5 seconds and compare Jeff with Justin. when you're done laughing, stop and think again. don't take that for granted. i'm not gonna sit here and lecture you cuz you'd smack me, but be extremely happy and grateful for what you have now. independence, a job, and justin. > >i wish you had more, though. > >i can't wait to see how you are a year from now. > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ tel : (512) 2 4 9 - 0 0 0 3 dan pedroza fax : (512) 2 4 9 - 0 0 0 4 _ m.roadster performance usa, l.l.c. http://www.mroadster.com _| ~-.5114 balcones woods dr. mailto:dan@mroadster.com \, *_}suite 307-424 <>< \( austin, texas 78759 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~'99~bs~99~team~pollo~rampante~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ http://www.tejasmiata.org http://www.spokes.org happiness is: a full tank of gas :)