i’m in the mood

goddamn pheromones.
for the last uh, week or so i’ve been walking around like a bitch in heat. it’s not anything in particular or anyone in particular it just IS. some people were kind of upset that i mentioned it and others took it to mean that this gave them permission to tell me their sex life. it’s neither — it just is. Alan once said when we were dating years ago, that he would hate to see me in my prime as i would probably rip my bf to shreds sexually with my aggressiveness. i think he meant himself. who would know that we would have broken up.
in a way, i like feeling this way. everything feels like liquid against my skin and everything has this slight blur to it. it’s like being on drugs when you aren’t. when bean came up, she smelled so good that i wanted to kiss her — but i never did. she emailed me back today telling me that she thought she should have made the first move. i’m sitting here looking at Justin like he’s a piece of meat. it would be so easy to have sex with him and i won’t: I don’t love him and it would not mean anything. masturbation just isn’t cutting it and i’m torturing myself by listening to the goo goo dolls slide — which is like what i’m so loving right now. AND THEN Mike sent me a new pic after getting his hair cut. drool i mean look at him! he’s damned cute! i don’t understand why he’s not dating anyone. if i were localized to him, I’d be all over him like white on rice! and that neck! my god! i just want to lick it like a lolly pop.
and NO i’m not going to shush.
I’m sick of being told to shush.
I don’t shush.
and it’s not even really about being horny it’s about being in love — this is how it feels to me — but i’m not in love with anyone! when i’m in love, i want to touch, feel and taste everything. i want to swallow and be engulfed. this is how i feel. i can’t even concentrate because mike’s damned neck is diverting my attention and i can’t concentrate.
more later.
missing someone i don’t even know