TheHusband and I, circa 2010
Dear Internet,
Today is TheHusband’s and I 4th wedding anniversary. According to Hallmark, y’all should be loading us up with fruits/flowers or appliances. I think we are in the market for a bigger food processor, so if you’re feeling kind, here’s your opportunity.
Our relationship has been fraught with adventure and surprise! We met on IRC in 1997, moved in together upon our first meeting in 1998. Broke up a year later and did not see each other again until “The Great Bang” of 2008. He commuted between California and Michigan for six months, moved in with me the summer of 2009 and we’ve been glued to each other’s side ever since.
Everything they say is true: Marriage is hard. Sometimes it is awful and terrible and it is WORK. People who say marriage isn’t work is full of bullshit. It is only when you’re committed to someone, really committed, when the facades fall away and you see their real selves that you want to throw in the towel and say, “Fuck this.”
But then marriage to someone who is mentally ill, someone who is bipolar (that would be me) then marriage becomes a fucking Iron Man of relationships. And you’re like WHY ME? And I wonder, and I have asked, why he stays because none of his is easy for him. It may only get worse. But then he tells me that there is no one else for him but me, and I know I am home.
It is literally his belief in me that everything will be okay, his almost unconditionally love of me (Just to be clear, I don’t think he would love me if I went on a murdering spree.), and how overwhelmingly supportive he is of me that keeps me alive. He can calm the crazy, he gets me off that ledge, and he gets me back to where I need to be to function. He is almost better than any drug on the planet. (Almost because I haven’t tried them all.) He is my support system and I thank whatever gods are out there on a daily basis that he is in my life.
(There is always that overarching feature we’re both too lazy for paperwork.)
And yet, here we are. To the years yet to come, may they be even better than the years that were.
Dear Internet,
Mania works like this, with ADHD added for extra charisma (+4):
Your mind is not in any one place. It is HERE. It is THERE. It grabs things in between and forces it into an imaginary motorboat that leaves your mind wet.
Things are started and not finished. You tell people you are forgetful not because you actually forget but because you have too much to remember.
Onlythebravewillaskyoutoslowdownwhenyoustartspeakingsofastthatthewordsjusttumbleoutofyourmouth. Mostwillpickupontheeveryoddwordtomakesenseofwhatyou’resaying.
Everything is shiny, but there is often long periods of boredom which is underpinned by how overwhelmed you are. So projects are started, dropped, picked up, dropped, started over. Add. Rinse. Repeat. You used to liken it as learning to play chopsticks and thinking you could then produce Beethoven in a fortnight.
You still think you can play Beethoven in a fortnight.
During mania, your confidence will teether on being megalomaniac. No, not teether – is megalomaniac. You are invincible. You are infallible. The world is your oyster. You can get, and have received, nearly everything you’ve wanted. You will take it by any means necessary. You are the BEST. You are the ONE.
You will do it your way or tell people who disagree with you to fuck off. You think those who are not like you are weak, and especially those who display low self-esteem. You laugh at stereotypes often applied to you, because your megalomania trumps normalcy. You do not fit into a perceived idea of what you should be, so you think you are a special snowflake.
You might be right.
Your mind does not rest. It is a painful slow curve of a headache that stretches low across the forehead. Throbbing. Continuous. You’ve gotten so used to that feeling that not having it seems abnormal. Drugs can sharpen your mind from the fuzzy waters it treads on, but there is always a price to pay for the drugs.
Sometimes you rationalize you just cannot care.
You’ll shoot from the hip, your mouth smoking from the rapid fire comebacks, but that is just your way. You’re brusqueness, because you are economizing on time and emotion, most often repels people but you disagree with their assessment (of course you do) because if they can’t deal, then you think they are not worthy of your time. People will either love you or hate you.
(Truthfully, most humans are pretty useless.)
When you’re maniac, you can create a wondrous world around you and invite everyone to see, and all that do see seem to be entranced. You are EXCITING. You cannot decide if they are enraptured with you or think you’re a hot mess, but the truth doesn’t really matter. The dichotomy of your brassiness is tempered with charm, so you at least recognize you’re an acquired taste but you hypothesize you’re worth the wait.
(Many do seem to agree, to the chagrin of a few.)
You’ve done a pretty good job of starving off most personal friendships. You cling to a few, but you are often too exhausted to expand your circle. Keeping your mask on to function does take its toil. If not emotionally, physically. But you pine for the groups and friendships that always seem to elude you.
You crave that normalcy, the days when your mind is not whizzing along at the speed of sound, when you don’t create tick off a list to keep your personality in check before you leave the house.
You do understand that day may never, ever come.
We have not touched upon bad life choices, indiscretions, and other vague regrets when one is manic, but that is okay. Those stories are better in one off settings when you’re preparing to entrance a new groups of people, to woo them to your lair.
You have become a modern day Schenzernade and it suites you.
There is also the lack of sleep, the existing on 2-3 hours a night that will happen if something is not put in check, whether by drugs or other. You think with that much open space, you would get work done, BE CREATIVE, SOLVE CANCER, but mostly it just turns into you wandering the internet late at night, wondering why you feel so alone.
You’re okay with everything because you’ve finally learned to live with your gifts and recognize when the crazy hits and how to react when it does. While you can balance the mania, and create a structure to keep it contained, what you most fear is the day when you will crash.
Because one day it will and then everything begins anew.
Stay thirsty my friends.
xoxo,
Lisa
Miranda Hart is my hero
Dear Internet,
I am coming down with the plague. It’s been hovering like a helicopter parent for the last few weeks and doing nothing but pissing me off while making me feel like crap, so double bonus! Throw in some blood wolves rage and I’ve got all the bases covered.
Being a female is BRILLIANT.1
While I drugged up heavily this morning, my vapors to-ing and fro-ing, leaving me to finally woman up and make an appointment with my doctor tomorrow for the good drugs. I also canceled my plans for the evening, which makes me sad, but I am feeling like death warmed over and I’d rather make it up to them when I’m feeling 100% rather than shuffling to their house with scarf around my neck, Vapor rub on my chest, and Kleenex up my nose.
I was, however, having a good spell earlier this afternoon, while the drugs were coursing through my veins, so I opted to still meet up with Sara for lunch. No amount of wasabi in on my sushi could clear my sinuses, I’m that stuffed.
Sara and I had planned this day for while now, with her being a new mom and my schedule so weird, and getting together with her is always hard. I debated about ditching her after lunch and coming straight home, but her charm won over my sniffles and we ended up having a grand time over the course of the day.
I was able to exchange recently purchased bras for new ones that fit — and if someone can explain to me how bras purchased six months ago, at the same weight and size I am now, fit just fine then AND now but the same size purchased a few weeks ago does not, please let me know. In the exchange, I had to go up a band size and am now a 44DD. Sara thought it was cute since I could still buy “regular bras.” She’s a 40F.
Tit slings, gotta have ’em.
We made pit stops through various stores, while I stocked up on items I’ll need for the upcoming year. I’m in hoarding mode right now, and yes this still a teaser until I get official words on things. WHICH STILL HAS NOT HAPPENED. But once I do, I’ll fess up to what’s going on.
To top off a rather grand day, I picked up Le Kabob for dinner. Cut me open and my veins will bleed hummus and whipped garlic.
Despite the rain, and the cold (how is it May 1?), and the sniffles, today was the second grand day in a row. While it’s rare to have a great day, it’s a unicorn fart to have two in a row. I’m being mindful to write down these days so when I go head long into depression again, I can use them as touchstones. I always need reminders to be grateful.
I took tomorrow off because of the plague, and with my late scheduled doctor’s appointment, that means I get to sleep in late, which I haven’ t done in weeks.
It looks like a three bender is going to happen.
xoxo,
Lisa
The house where I spent 12.5 years growing up.
Dear Internet,
As I have some hours to burn before my contract ends, I’ve been arranging schedules to make the most of my last few months at work. Today was one of those such days where I took a half-day to spend the afternoon with TheHusband. You know, kind of like a date.
We recently purchased a membership to Meijer Gardens to get in on their summer concert extravaganza as it would be way cheaper to buy the tickets and save zillions on convenience fees. We ended up with tickets for Ben Harper & Charlie Musselwhite, Rodrigo y Gabriela, G. Love and Special Sauce & Keb’ Mo’ Band, and Lake Street Dive. We were looking at double that number to attend, but prices start to get crazy inflated. $150 per ticket for Santana? Do we look like DeVos’ here?1
While the shows don’t start until June, we decided to use our new membership to see the Butterflies in Bloom, the yearly exhibit at the Gardens, since this was the last day. It was — underwhelming. Except for the butterfly orgy, which was taking place everywhere. Then obviously I had to spend time looking up the mating rituals of butterflies and mind = blown that male butterflies have penises.
Do not ask me how I made it through high school science because seriously, half the time I do not know myself.
Spring is still struggling to get out of her own cocoon, but we’re getting there. Some early spring flowers were in bloom around the outside of the main buildings at the Gardens, but it was too wet and still too cold for serious walks, so we continued on with our day.
We made a trip to the YMCA to update our billing info and then headed to the Grand Rapids Public Museum, which was right down the street. I haven’t been to GRPM in almost a decade, and with the new LEGO exhibit, this seemed like a good time to go.
GRPM was also a bit underwhelming as many of the exhibits I saw ten years ago were still in use. The LEGO exhibit was neat in that a certified professional LEGO builder recreated famous architecture, but the supporting smaller exhibits were a bit meh. Ye Olde Tyme Grand Rapids is always a big kick to see what the city was like, but again, not much had been updated in the last decade. They did, however, do a more indepth “where are you from” to cover the different cultural groups around the city, and it was a pleasant surprise to see how diverse the city has become AND is getting. But the fact this place still remains run by old, crusty, white Dutch dudes tells you how the attitudes need to change even if the landscape has already shifted.
Since the walks through the two museums did not take long, we had time to hit the main branch of Grand Rapids Public Library for TheHusband to obtain his library card and me to pick up holds. They have been rearranging and cutting back so much at the main branch, I barely recognized some areas. The Dewey Cafe was completely gone, replaced by vending machines and the periodicals room seemed to be barely hanging on. I was there to mainly scout out materials I will miss when I leave MPOW, like BBC History Magazine. It seems GRPL does not carry the magazine, which means I have to get it elsewhere on the cheap.
Stopping at GRPL and not having the same services I’m used to at current position just underscores there will be four main things I will be desperate for when I leave MPOW:
Unlimited access to the OED
No fines
Magazine routing from the collection
Extended loan periods for materials
We headed over to the Downtown Market for dinner, but nothing was catching our interest so we headed over to our regular spot, Brewery Vivant, instead. After dinner was consumed and we headed home where we settled into our evening routines.
And here we are.
x0x0,
Lisa
Dear Internet,
I am growing sleepy and tonight is a perfect night to retire early. The last six weeks have been a travelling cornucopia of locations, time zones, and events. Surprisingly, I’ve mostly stable but the exhaustion of keeping myself normalized is wearing on me. These last few days I’ve been at home have been filled with lots of decompression. I still have THINGS TO DO but I’m pushing those things to the side for the moment to catch my breath.
There is a big announcement coming, from me, but I’m holding off for a final piece to fall into place before it happens. I already know the answer — thanks to Twitter — but I still need the official, OFFICIAL word so I can breathe a sigh of relief and move forward. TheHusband and I wrestled with what to do incase the answer shifted. While I could have seen us going in that direction, and it would have helped us grow in a lot of ways other than just my career, ditching everything and starting fresh yet again was slowly losing its appeal. Maybe that’s the sign I need to finally settle down: When the thought of a new adventure isn’t as golden as it perhaps seems.
While I know if we would have made that particular leap it would have been good, it is more that something was missing. Something is always missing and I feel like I’ve spent most of my life running to catch it. The big announcement itself is another adventure in its own right, but its an adventure I’ve been waiting on for years. So maybe then it is not about losing out on a golden adventure, but creating a perfect adventure specifically for me?
There is a whole wide world waiting for me and I bet it will look even better after I get some sleep.
xoxo,
Lisa
I was having conversations recently on Twitter about vendors and institutional responses, or lack thereof, to Heartbleed. To wit: MPOW’s response to my inquiry as to how they were handling it was the following (from two separate emails):
I.T. does not have an official statement concerning the heartbleed bug. […] I know my team and the ISO have addressed the OpenSSL issues and I’m sure they have it handled.
My original inquiry was via the I.T. ticketing system, which the first line of the quote comes from, and was immediately closed. I received a follow up email from the head of Infrastructure within minutes that included the second line of the quote and with a request to direct questions to him and his team directly rather than open up a ticket. So I did.
No response.
TheHusband, when I reported this back to him that same evening, just shrugged and said some I.T. departments handle things differently. I, obviously, disagree. When you have a bug that is so permeated in everything we do and affects directly or indirectly damn near everyone who gets online, you would think transparency would be the utmost importance.
In the conversations that I alluded to at the beginning of this, many also agreed with me. We discussed who should be reporting to whom and in what situations, because it seemed there seemed to be no best practices in place. I am the contact for the library’s SSL certs from that vendor and they notified us immediately, but others like database, and other product vendors? Not a even a mention.
On the personal side, random emails were appearing from various sites I belong to, some forcing password resets to enhance security, but overall the responses being sent to users seems to be thin on the ground.
As I was working this out over Twitters, I realized I never made an update to my own blog about our patching of Heartbleed, which was done near instantaneous after its discovery. EPBaB and my professional site both have SSL integration, something TheHusband was insistent on when we migrated to our new host in the spring of 2013. While we may not be allowing accounts other than our own, thus not storing passwords or other personal data of others, having SSL does help protect against other forms of attacks. The only hiccup we ever found was the inability to add my sites to Feedburner as they do not support HTTPS sites.
In the upcoming week, I’m going to be moving through lists I’ve started of vendors I use for personal AND professional spaces to see who is reporting (or not) on Heartbleed and how. I am extremely curious as what the results will be and right now, from the cursory research I’ve done: it will not be pretty. And what is worse, what it really says about the state of tech transparency today.
xoxo,
Lisa
Dear Internet,
It’s been a crazy lately, and that’s putting it mildly. Tomorrow morning I head to my third trip in a month and I feel like I’m becoming such an old pro at this packing thing that is getting slightly ridiculous.
I must catch you up on where I’ve been!
In late March, I went to the Code4Lib conference in Raleigh, NC which was turned out to be pretty awesome. The conference itself was intense and I learned a lot AND met a lot of great people. I’m so enamoured of the community! I was co-running an all day pre-conference, which meant I had a lot more stuff, namely swag for 30 people, to haul in addition just my self and toiletries.
I was in RDU for five days/four nights with sketchy weather. The day before I flew in, it was 76 degrees and sunny. My entire stay, it was mid-50s and rainy.
Behold my packing prowess: RDU: Before RDU: After
Since I’ve been fine tuning the packing process in the last few years, I thought it might be helpful to see what gear / gadgets / geegaws I’ve been using to help with the minimalist packing aesthetic: Gear / Gadgets / Geegaws
Rickshaw Medium Zero Messenger bag in Performance Tweed
The big AHA moment is realising that by converting as much of my toiletries to solids, such as shampoo/body soap/lotion, it does NOT need to go into ye olde quart bag, which is brilliant. Also, the Travel Smart Travel Bottle Set was a great investment because it allows me to take my favorite products such as hair manipulator, face lotions, and other products in travel sizes. It may have been a bit pricey, but we do not have a Container Store near me and I was having a hard time finding the jars and bottles in the sizes I wanted individually.
The New Trent iCarrier 12000mAh Portable Dual USB Port External Battery Charger/Power Pack has also been great investment since it will charge my iDevices simultaneously, which is a boon for long flights. I’ve been so in love with this product, I’ve bought it as gifts for friends and family.
In addition to the above, I also packed with me:
Tom Bihn bag:
30 brown bags (for swag)
Nearly full gallon bag of pens/stickers/etc (swag)
Since I’m recreating this a month later, I’m sure I’m missing a few things, but this is the gist of the packing. And the best part? I could have made my clothes last for longer than a week AND since I was carrying of swag that I was going to hand out to people, my bag was going to be emptier coming back. SCORE!
xoxo,
Lisa
Dear Internet,
April is clutching winter to its bosom with the bony tips of its fingers and won’t let it go. I decided that I’ve had enough waiting for the signals to move on to the next season and decided to force the signs myself.
I’m referring, of course, to spring cleaning. Mainly my closet.
For the last couple of years, I’ve been steadily working on minimizing my life, with the emphasis on not buying crap. The projected I started in 2013 and planned to continue in 2014 has been fairly successful. In addition to credit card debt being way down, I’m making smarter choices on where my money is going.
While I may not be gorging on shopping sprees as I once did, it has not erased the fact that I own a lot of stuff like clothing and accoutrements, all with varying sizes and fits. My weight has remained within a 10lb range within the last few years (and I am still at my heaviest weight ever) but of course, when I’m at the higher end of that range, clothes do not fit as well as they do at the lower end. Footwear wise, while my second ankle surgery was over a year ago, and it is two years this summer since the first surgery, my foot has yet to stabilize in size and I’m stuck, still, wearing a limited range of shoes.
This whole project is about curating a personal style that represents me, regardless of weight and mobility. In my case, my style has barely changed since my early ’20s: T-shirts, jeans, a cardigan of some type, and Chucks/Docs.
And there is nothing wrong with my style, I’m rather fond of it actually, but there are times when I need to play at being a grown up and that is when I start failing. This past week I had an all day interview for a position in California and I needed to pull together interview outfit(s) that I can wear with panache while staying true to my aesthetic. But with having so much crap, I often forget — very easily — exactly what I own. So the goal was to pull together several outfits to wear without spending a dime on new clothes.
How could I do this? What I needed was an app that could replicate for me what Cher’s closet in Clueless did for her, except with less building construction.
You’d think this would be easy, yes? We’re deep into a world now that revolves around having an app for just about everything, the ability to catalog and mix up outfits from our existing closets should be a piece of cake.
Well, not exactly. This has been a to-do on my list for a couple of years to find such a creature. I started searching in late 2012, early 2013 for an app that could do the following for me:
Run natively in iPad/iPhone
Allow me to add/edit my own photos
Sync between devices
Allow me to organize by type/season/etc
The app didn’t have to be free, but it should be reasonably priced AND it should have been updated recently
A calendar to show what outfits I wore, when
There was hardly anything on the market that matched my criteria. The results of the same search in early 2014 was not much better.
While there are dozens of apps for the iPad and iPhone individually, the list for both was scant. While you can run iPhone apps on iPads, I rejected most of what was available due to inability to sync between devices, last time the app was updated, and if it was geared more for shopping on sites and creating outfits from those sites rather than uploading and creating your own. There were two choices: Stylebook and My Fashion Closet
My Fashion Closet has not been updated in nearly two years, you could not add photos from the camera roll, and overall it was poorly designed. Stylebook, however, was actively being updated and enhanced. It was well regarded in the fashion blogosphere. It was attractively priced ($3.99) with no surprise in-app buyins.
I decided to give it a go. My cardigans bring all the boys to the yard.
The first thing this app did was cement how much shit I own: 17 cardigans? 24 dresses? 10 pairs of pants of all flavors? 14 pairs of tights? I have not added in shorts, shirts (of any flavor), skirts, shoes, leggings, and other items. I’m kind of afraid to, considering I organized my t-shirt pile the same weekend I started cataloging my closet and it is at 178 t-shirts and counting.
The second thing it did was force me to start culling items that were damaged, I have not worn or do not like from my closet. I found myself fixing repairs on rips and loose buttons, cleaning items that had not been washed in some time, and finally creating a pile of stuff to donate.
The third thing this app did for me was to show just how much flexibility my wardrobe actually was and that was a big surprise. The weekend I started using the app, I was also able to pull together a weeks worth of outfits without any repeats (which tend to be mainly pants). I was able to pull together three distinct outfits for the interview (and yep, packed all three).
Because I still have so much left to catalog, I decided to break it up so that it is not overwhelming. It took me about 6 hours to scan, edit, catalog, and organize nearly 80 items. I decided the best way to handle this is by scanning in items in chunks, and with my t-shirts, as I wear them. My new goal is now wear all t-shirts in my collection at least once before repeating them, which should take a little over six months.
When I mention this project, people think I’m slightly insane for cataloging my closet. But they are also slightly intrigued as well.
But this app is not perfect and it needs some under the hood fixing to make it perfect.
The syncing between devices only happens when you turn on “Wifi Accept,” which works by transmitting between like devices on the same network. Why not take advantage of iCloud to do this for you for the automatic sync? Wifi Accept is cumbersome and clunky.
iPad version does not work in landscape mode.
Image size does not scale well when building outfits. In theory, all items should be the same size once they are added into the database, but this is not true. One of my interview outfits, the tights are 3x the size of the dress and the cardigan is miniscule in looks mode.
Creation of categories and subcategories is not intuitive nor easy to figure out.
Editing items also not intuitive.
Sizes are not saved, but brands are. This is a pain in the tuckus when adding an item, sizing for brands varies (and I wear both men and women’s clothes so I need to be able to differentiate that).
The controls to manually edit images is flighty and seems to be hit or miss, even with their tutorials.
READ THE TUTORIALS.
Overall, even with the problems, I’m extremely happy with this app and how it is changing my perspective of clothes and fashion, and especially giving me room to play with my existing closet. If you’re looking for a cheap way to recharge your wardrobe, this is a great low-cost investment that allows you to play dress up without spending a dime on new clothes.
xoxo,
Lisa
P.S. This morning when I walked out to grab the newspaper, I saw crocuses sprouting in the front yard, their shoots a defiant shade of green against the brown mire of the leaves and yard. The gods, it seems, have also had enough of this dreary year.
Dear Internet,
I knew mania was upon me not because my brain was slightly throbbing or that I was feeling more invincible than usual, but when having lunch with work husband #3, I was keenly intent on the fish monger and his ice. So much so, I struck up a conversation with him about the habits of keeping the oysters and other delicacies chilled as they laid prettily in the case. I followed up my witty banter with some succinct comment on ice machines and what not.
Really, I am quite the charmer.
Sometimes I don’t know what is worse, curled up in bed in an attempt to keep the world at bay or when it flips and I need to fix all of the world’s problems right this very minute. And if it means staying up until the deepest witching hours to get started, then so be it.
Two weeks ago I was so struck with anxiety and despair, I could barely leave my hotel room while attending a conference. Earlier this week, I was so overwrought with rage that the only way to keep myself from falling apart is reading trashy literature. Then it shifts again and now I am HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY.
And making inane conversation with random fish mongers.
I used to long for normalcy, or even better, a chance of being more even. Now, as soon as this week, I’ve realised those are not the things I need, they are the things I want. What I need is a way to harness, if that is even more possible, and make the fan dance of moods work for me rather than against. Stop censoring myself, for one.
And if the darkness comes, and it has , then I need to surrender to it. As long as I don’t let it swallow me whole, as long as I remind myself it will pass (and it will), to be mindful as much as I can that this is cyclic and I will whirl around the peg board towards something else, then I can survive. To quote Neil Gaiman,
Fairy tales are more than true: not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten.
And even the very most important thing to remember, (somehow I have to create very visible reminder), to is to apply self-care. Generously. Without regret. For that is how we will slay the dragons.
xoxo,
Lisa
I can see how they do it, naturally, but with much better grace than I. Into the deep they go, followed by the shallow cut formed by their bodies as they slice through the water.
And that is where we end up, here you and I, circling around until the first one falls.
It’s strangling me, holding me down and keeping me hostage. I am gasping for air, the pulling of the under tow as I move faster against the current. “Come back!”, you yell.
But I cannot hear you.
Somewhere between the worlds I survive, neither alive nor dead, neither a ghost nor breathing. Neither heaven or hell, but who am I kidding? The population here is not 1, it is millions. We just pretend that everything is fine.
Lend all the tired ones your light,
tiptoe in every window,
But leave the suffering hearts in darkness.
On paper it looks good. Admirable. Some are envious of our success. But it is all hollow, isn’t it? It means nothing, it is nothing, it will be forgotten sooner than we think. Whatever legacy we had planned or hoped to plan will be for naught. We are but millionths of a second in a time that spans billion of years.
In the cosmic sense of it all, we are either parasites or carriers. Mainly we are destroyers.
I can see how easy it is for them to move across, make that final cut through the void. Choose life over death or death over life. They made a final decision, consequences be damned. They were in control, and for that we should be eternally grateful.
xoxo,
Lisa
