infuriatingly stupid

it’s 5:50am and I’m up — and I’ve been up since 3:30am. For some STUPID reason I volunteered to do an after hours turnup for another engineer which was to happen last night — and failed. Because I had been up till 7am yesterday (today? ugh, I’m confused), I opted to work from home only to find the cutover was rescheduled for tonight (last night?) and I had HAPPILY agreed to take it I had one cutover at midnight which did not go through, took a cat nap for 1.5 hours and woke back up. I just emailed work and told them I would be in by noon but even know that seems like I’m pushing it.
I’m in a mood.
I’ve been in such a ‘mood’ lately, on my white board at work I have made a checkbox of what type of mood I’ve been in. It just seems lately (and prior to the attack at WTC)
JESUS EFFING CHRIST
Work just called me. What the hell. Turns out that the company has so many access lists on their damn router they blocked themselves out.
hah.
So like I was saying, I’m in mood.
Prior to the terrorist attacks, I’ve noticed an influx of people who refuse to listen. This is not a simple coincidence of one or two people and where by I could say to myself “hey, maybe I’m saying something wrong or something indifferent” but this is a like everywhere I go — people I talk to on a daily basis face to face, email lists, irc, im, perfect strangers in shopping stores — it’s like the whole world is angry. And again, I thought it was me — but upon bringing this up to a mailing list I wasn’t the only one who saw it and I certainly wasn’t the only one feeling it. But there seems to be no rhyme or reason to it. It scares me.
I like to think I’m a good person. A long time ago I stared doing things simply to be nice, whether it was lending a friend 10 bucks with no return expected or paying for someone’s dinner or paying for someone else’s toll on the toll way. I like to think that is the image I give out. I’d also like to think that I am tolerant of other people’s views. That I can sit down and be presented an argument on why I would be wrong and can i not get hot headed over something and say ‘yeah they are right’. I like to think that someday things I do will not only affect my generation, but my future children’s generation and the world beyond that. I like to think, in my own arrogant naiveness, that I will not get robbed, raped again, die unnecessarily, mugged or hated for something I do not stand for. I like to think that my own purposes and beliefs will help me become a better person and to give that a day to day trial against the war on ignorance and stupidity.
I will be the first to admit that sometimes what I think and what is ‘true’ is not only subjective but often it is completely false. I find it hard to sleep sometimes simply because I am worried about so much around me (myself my love life current state of affairs) that it reflects my own attitude on how things really are. I have this such inane need to be insides someone’s head that sometimes it scares me and I get angry when people don’t see the ‘right way’ which is namely the lisa way.
But on the flip side of that argument, some truths are so bright and on fire it hurts me when other people don’t even want to see it. One instance that is coming to mind is on a mailing list (I’ll make this short)I am on, a woman was constantly posting to it in regards to the wearing of the hajib (head covering worn by Islamic women) in the show of solidarity. Many many many women found this to be offensive because of the argument of whether the freedom wearing the garment will show the right support or not. As someone pointed out on the list (who was a Muslim woman) that while the intention would be good, she found it offensive because even she herself does not practice wearing the hijab and that she questioned about why do something if you have no belief in it?
The woman poster (if you haven’t figured out I’m on an all-female list) just would not let up — she seemed to think what she was doing was a good thing, and in her mind, sure, it was. But the issue at hand was that she was force feeding everyone her own view of arm chair patriotism that was becoming nauseating and insufferable. She was told politely, by many women to back off. She would still not stop. So, I of course, driving the point home, basically became blunt and to the point with her and told her to knock it off (in so many words). You would have thought I had driven to these women’s house and held a gun to their head judging by the responses I received after the post. I received many many posts that agreed with me, but the sheer number of posts that in short called me an unsympathetic bitter bitch (none of them used foul language, I’m just driving the point home here.) was simply amazing. The point of this is not ONE of them took the time to sit down and read what I said. I often have a problem where what I say and what I mean are not the same things. I have taken special care in the past and now to make sure that my email is delivering the point home whether it is something simple to say ‘i love you’ or ‘you are a fucking moron’. There was no way of interpreting the email that I sent other than what i said directly.
As one supporter of what i said stated “you could say blue and they see blew” — and it often infuriates me that sometimes people don’t take the time to just sit down and listen whether my argument is rational or if your argument is rational or not, we should listen. These women who were being so callous towards me (not like i was a freaking angel in my private responses to them) is that they were so gung-ho on the whole patriotism thing that to them, anyone who disagreed with both the method and/or the delivery was a downright commie pinko bastard!
That to me, makes me incredibly sad more so than the terrorists attack, that we are fighting among ourselves and instead of taking the time to digest the various views, we are finding that we are simply being stubborn (of which I’m a guilty party of) and refusal to listen.
I like to think that sometimes I’m above that, that I do listen. But in matters of the heart (as Paul AND Danny have both told me) this is not true. There is “lisa way” or the “highway” — but I’m becoming more convinced in my old age that while I preach one thing, i may act another. this is a long argument i could keep going on for days about and frankly, I’m tired.
i took some tests at http://www.selectsmart.com/CONTENT/
And found that i am:

  • neo-pagan
  • a follower of Kant
  • libertarian, republican and THEN democratic.

go figure.
lisa

not justin

to “not justin”:
i don’t know who you are — but you are giving me the willies. please stop attempting contact with me and please stop sending emails telling me i’ve dumped my dream guy. the past is over and done with and i’m very much in love with paul.
thank you and have a nice day.
fsck me
my plates came in.
i’m so surprised that the state of virginia allowed me to have the plate “FSCK ME”. There were bets going around due to the fact that a friend of ours who wanted “FSCK” was denied due to it’s implications (supposedly). I am now a “Linux Pronstar”. bow down before me for i give good head.
make it stop
i don’t know what it has been lately, but i’ve been feeling like two separate people are living inside of my body. the other day i got so angry on the way home from work that if someone was in the car with me (which they weren’t), i would have killed them. i don’t know why i was angry or why i would have killed them but the rage in my head is driving me insane. now i’m not talking about just straight off pms, this is much much worse. i have had to start taking walking breaks at work because when i get an email from a customer that sounds scratching (even if it really wasn’t), i have to walk away from the situation to see if i am feeling any better.
chances are, i am and i do. but that doesn’t stop making it less scary. i’m not quite sure what i’m going to do now — i’m thinking it’s the new birth control pills but it may not be. but they found me to be healthy.
supposedly.
back to square one.
x0x0x0x
lisa

death becomes her

on april 25th 2000, my father passed away.
for nearly two weeks, i’ve been struggling with his death. first with my own feelings of guilt (i should have been a better daughter, i wish i would have seen him sooner, i wish i wish i wish), my own feelings of death (i don’t want to live yet i don’t want to die. growing old sucks. i’ll never be young and beautiful again) and my own feelings of death and what not going on.
here i am, nearly 28 years old, nearly wanting to die but yet live. living in these parallel state of continuing life with paul, planning for the future and wanting to just shrivel up and die.

cheap and easy

you may notice some changes happening around pronstar.org recently. Paul, my widdle luv muffin (even though he is denying me sex because I had a cigarette today) has been working on a web tool for me to update my site with ease from anywhere in the world without having to use nothing but a web browser. we are still beta testing that out — and while we do, i had gone through and started cleaning up my dead links. You may notice the links in the archive section NOW work (when before they hadn’t) and if you were really hard up, you could read all the back crap i wrote from 1995 on to current.
As of today, I’m up to November of 1998 on cleaning up bad links/images/spelling/typos. If you find anything in “Poetry”, “FUCK”, “Essay”, “Short Stories”, or “Past Journals” that has a dead link, typo, missing image: PLEASE LET ME KNOW! This is really really important to me as I’m making sure everything is organized and good to go when we convert it over. I’ve been doing my damndest to make sure everything is working but I know I missed some stuff.
like a bad penny
there has been a resurgence of activity on the lisa-network. first it started out with someone contacting me via aol im asking me about f.u.c.k. and when i wrote for it. which kind of surprised me because i haven’t had an issue published in over a year (probably going on two) and on the 7th (i think) anniversary of FUCK, jericho closed down it’s doors — and you have to admit, 7 years is a long time to run a ‘zine (especially on the internet). and that got me wondering about dear old fuck and as i was going through the archive list, it got me thinking about the mind set i was in when i wrote that. and then it dawned on me that my style of writing always began with a topic bar and the first sentence. there was never a set subject or topic other than what flowed from my head. sometimes i had an idea and i based it off of that — and other times, it was just words that i strung along to make it look pretty.
but the main point is, i had fun doing it.
i miss doing stuff like fuck, because it gave me someplace other than my website to showcase how i wrote. it wasn’t a matter if someone agreed with me or not or if they even liked it, but they still read it, which was an improvement over NOT reading it.
and moving along this curve, i suddenly got a flux of people who joined the mailing list, emailed me and signed the guestbook. while the domain is eye catching (is it not?), i haven’t been updating like i usually have been (even if sketchy) and there is no reason why this influx should be going on —
but who am i to argue?
so i think it’s spring — the influx of people getting what i have to say and the whole cleaning up issues i’ve been having recently with paul working on the back end of this dealie and me just plowing around on the front end. and i was thinking about this tonight when our new friend corey came over and showed us his old zine, verbosity. and again i got thinking.
and if you smelled smoke in Virginia, you know why.
regardless, i want to start a new zine. haven’t gotten any ideas yet, but i do have a few interviews lined up with a few people who are funny (like doug the advertising hound writer and tony, the vegan porn slut and finally keff, the mega star of userfriendly). i don’t have a theme and i probably shouldn’t be doing anything until i get pronstar.org up and running smoothly again, but hey, i’m just saying, if you want to help out, email me and let me know what you can do 🙂 i just am interested in doing something fun and worthwhile again — and basically kick start pronstar.org back into action baybee!
smoke free for five days
see topic
and in other news

  • my brother came and gone. we had fun. we bought him a laptop. we test drove a durango. damn i miss my brother. pictures will be forthcoming.
  • i’m being sued by shelly for a verbal agreement. the court date got moved to may 5, 2000. while some of you asked me her response to me moving from Virginia Beach to Fairfax, take a gander at how she felt about it.
  • i am now a flaming redhead. i bleached my hair from black to yellow to make it red.
  • we are not moving to boston. i think.
  •  i’ve been working at uunet for almost five months now. paul and i have been living together for nearly four. and we haven’t killed each other. joy! 🙂
  • i am tired and all the wonderful joyful things i was going to tell you, i have forgotten.

good night.
x0x0x0x
moi
 

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