defrost

every morning it’s the same thing.
i get up at 5am while justin flips on the coffee maker to make the coffee i’ve prepared the night before. I fall out of bed to go to the bathroom and put my contacts in. I grab whatever purse i am using at the moment, grab my car keys and a cup of coffee in my Starbucks/LilithFair coffee cup. I start the car and let it warm up. I drive 2.1 miles to the bart, drop justin off and come back home.
Once home, my options of what to do for the next hour or so vary. I either do a chronicle (such as I am doing now), jump in the shower, or write in my journal (the “jezzusican’tbelievesonsodidthat” type of thing). After such, I pick up Darryl in Lake Merrit, spend 1/2 hour cursing the bridge traffic and go to work.
After work, I generally drop of Daniel & Darryl at their respective places, come home at about 6pm. My schedule at night varies on what’s on the tube. Tuesday’s were saved for Felicity, Wednesday’s for 90210 and SouthPark. Weekends are saved for whatever is going on at the moment. Generally if there is a part-tay (we make part-tay) or some such event. This past Sunday, my friend Jason was having an ArtyFarty show. I had wanted to go because I knew Jason did incredible stuff, BUT, I had promised Justin to go play tennis with him. In 40 degree weather, he and I tossed the ball around for about 45 minutes. It felt like hours.
My passion for Tennis had been waylaid by something bigger. I used to love playing tennis when I was younger and even went so far as to take lessons as well as tryout for the hs team. But now, I don’t have the passion I once did when I played. In all honesty, I could care less.
The new rise in price in cigarettes (from about $2.50 a pack to between $3.00 and $3.50 depending on where you go) as well as my own general health is what prompts me to play now. Justin sucks. I’m not so bad. I feel like I spend half my time chasing after the balls he volleys in my general direction. He says that if we don’t play more, he won’t get better. I agree, but in the interim, it sucks playing. I can akin it to going to the dentist: you bitch, whine and complain when it’s not all that painful. At least for me. First I would stall playing. my ankle I would say. sudden flurry of activity causes it to swell and hurt. So we dropped 10 bucks for a slip on brace and that is taking care of. The new bitching on my side? Shoes. My tennis shoes (actually, could be considered platform tennis shoes. they have a 2-inch sole). I need a pair of cross trainers. And this is what I asked for Christmas.
Sometime ago, I had posted to a list I’m on a survey: What do you keep in/on your purse/backpack, nightstand, desk? The answers raged from everything from candles to books to condoms (my nightstand). While it is always interesting on what people kept, i envied the stuff they did have. Candles, doo-dads, night lights: just regular old junk. stuff I would never think of purchasing in a million years. Me? I spend my money on cds, books, purses and shoes. I never think to buy pictures, candles, anything that would make a place more homey. I don’t think of new ways to do things, or creative ways to do things. I don’t write, save for the chronicles, anymore. And I don’t read the books that I want to read. My own passion has been slowly dying due to Justin’s lack of one. This is one of our biggest arguments: he isn’t passionate about anything save football and me. But i feel foreshadowed my own lack of passion now. I don’t want to do -anything- that would constitute making the plunge like I felt oh so long ago. Truth be told, I don’t know why.
I recently asked several friends of mine that got married recently, why they married whom they married. The top answer from both was “the ability to grow” and “they make me want to be a better person”. I don’t see that (anymore) with Justin. His own lack of enthusiasm/passion/drive drowns out my own. I no longer give a fuck about this that or then some.
To be sure, this isn’t something new. I’ve discussed, cajoled, pleaded and begged him on this. he recognizes there is a problem, but isn’t willing to do anything about it. When recently I had asked him about his job at PBI, his answer was “I hate the job, but it’s the best one around”. His answer for everything is that “he knows he’s going to be a great person some day and doesn’t see why he has to hurry”.
To be continued…